Weekend joke thread

It was Christmas Eve in Asda and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.' :roll:


It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'
The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'
'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'
'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.
A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's strange. When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.'
The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, 'That's right, madam. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'


Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, Sir." was the dentist's reply.

"£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge." said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, Sir, but I could do it and knock off £15."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to 40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students..." mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5. But it will be traumatic."

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal." said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?....:eek:

Two Native American Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. Suddenly one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

he Indian replied, 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening.If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in
there waiting for you know what.'

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....






NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN.

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the heck,” he said to himself as a little blue ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“Bonnie,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She shot back, “It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.”...........:lol: