What would YOU do?

[Bobinovich]

Situation: An elderly relative had a 'leakage' problem which is causing an unpleasant odour. They have refused help from their doctor and, although aware of the problem, seem unwilling to do anything about it themselves.

The age gap precludes you from talking directly to them - people of that age generally frequently won't talk about such subjects. There is no other family members either close enough to do the talking, or old enough not to have the same age gap problem.

The odour causes you and your wife to retch and your kids to complain, so you are unwilling to expose them any further to the relative in question.

Finally, as if that isn't enough, there's a big birthday coming their way and you know you are going to have to celebrate it somehow.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO???

[Lucy]

Have you tried speaking to your local district nurses. i think they do ordering for products but if all else fails they may even be able to speak to the person. they will be used to dealing with the more elderly generation and may be able to coax him/her into doing something about the problem. Hope this helps it must be very unpleasant and embarassing.

[Bobinovich]

Yes both the doctor and the district nurse have been talked to. They did offer some suitable products to the relative which were used for a short time but the remainder were then returned to the nurse.

The relative has refused any other assistance and has now compounded the problem by wearing a rubber product which stops the leakage but holds the odour. As the day goes on the bodyheat releases the built-up odour in the product magnifying the odour many times.

Any other ideas?

[Ann]

How about scented candles around the room (in safe places, of course) on the birthday? Or burn a few incense sticks.

[Lucy]

Does the relative have a home carer from Social Services? Surely they must be aware of the situation and since they would be responsible for personal care they should be speaking to the relative and yourselves to try to sort this out. It may come down to being cruel to be kind and do some blunt talking to the relative- mind i wouldn't fancy having to do it. Hope some-one comes up with a good suggestion that will work for you and your family.

[Bobinovich]

Ann - yes we did that at Christmas and it works great in the house. Unfortunately not so good in the car to take her to the house!

Also we would normally take the relative out for a birthday meal but I think that's out of the question.

Lucy - I was going to take the cowards way out and write her a letter! Not the best way of tackling the problem but it's all I can think of.

Thanks for your replies

[Alice in Blunderland]

I know you say the age gap means you feel unable to talk about this subject with the relative but I would suggest you have a go at it you never know.Drs and nurses are quite often considered by older people to be interfering.Have been in a similar situation with an elderly relative with terrible BO and eventually had to just come right out and say something,yes it was very awkward but it worked someone close to them sitting them down and giving them some products prompting them to use them and offering to help them tackle it worked for me.I hope you can come up with something to help as this is such a shame on all the family as it can be easily dealt with as there are so many products available if only the person involved can be persuaded to accept the help.

[porshiepoo]

The thing is if you don't speak to the relative openly about the problem how are they supposed to know that the problem is offensive??
Is it more that the relative without the problem finds it an embarrassing subject to talk about so convinces themselves that an older person wouldn't want to talk about it anyway??

IMO the relative really does need to bring the subject up, for the health of the older person as well as the sanity and stomach of the other relative. You never know the elderly person may actually respond better than you think and be grateful that someone cares enough to be honest about it.

Whoever the relative is I don't envy having to care for an old relative, it's something that takes more patience and understanding than I could ever have. Perhaps they need reassuring that they're doing a fantastic job thus far and that this situation can be sorted - just bite the bullet!

Failing that - and on a lighter note - facemasks!!!! Declare they are worn due to the increased risk of avian bird flu :confused

Sorry, but thats all I have. Good luck to whoever it concerns.

[porshiepoo]

Lucy - I was going to take the cowards way out and write her a letter! Not the best way of tackling the problem but it's all I can think of.


have to admit, that would be my route too.

[sassylass]

My grandfather had a bit of the same problem, and my mother would offer to help with his laundry. She washed his clothes thoroughly, then put white vinegar in the rinse water. The smell was neutralized.

[janette]

Have you thought that the person may be afraid that there is something more serious wrong with them, and most probable is nothing. Old folks, me included ,can get in a right old state, trying to cover up their fear of the unknown. Sometimes a grandchild can work wonders, and can say things to granny/grandad that sons or daughters can't. Can you suggest doing the washing for them, the usual story, that you only have a part load, and its a waste especially if its a good drying day. Good luck anyway,

[squidge]

You could discuss it in the context of the up and coming birthday but you have to be direct but kind. Sitting down holding their hand and sayingsomething like "We would love to take you out but things are kind of difficult just now. The doctor has spoken to you and hte nurse but you arent taking any notice of them. im sure you dont realise how unpleasant the smell is but we cant take you out if you wont do something about it. We love you and dont want to be mean to you and we understand that its embarrassing but you have to do something about it. Would it be easier if we got the nurse to come round when we are here so that we can help you with this and then the children will be happier coming and we can book a table out for your birthday."

Failing that my brother in law told his elderly father that he needed to sort himself out cos he was starting to look and smell like a dirty old man! He has been much better since then.

Families are hard work!!!!

[Lavenderblue2]

Bob - I think that the medics should be alerted again - they are obviously not doing enough.
If your relative is sitting in urine all day just imagine of what this is doing to their nether regions. Also the fact that it is all contained in rubber heats it up and causes the odour to be far worse – your relative needs the care and attention they deserve from the medical profession.
I am so sorry for your dilemma – I hope it is soon resolved.

LB