Certificates and the .Org University

[Phill]

Ok, now we have certificates for getting on a bus, saying big words instead of the alphabet and a host of other simple chores I propose the .Org university!
What courses would we need?

To get the ball rolling, Beer drinking certificate - level 1

1. enter pub
2. order pint of beer (immediate failure for ordering girly drinks and alcopops)
3. drink pint of beer
4. ogle barmaid
5. *discuss point 4 with reference to sexual inequalities and female / male stereotypical roles in the modern social climate with particular reference to the inappropriate and unwarranted invasion of personal and social space.




*point 5 will be removed once we've secured funding and we've hoodwinked the PC brigade.:cool:

[Phoebus_Apollo]

Ok, now we have certificates for getting on a bus, saying big words instead of the alphabet and a host of other simple chores I propose the .Org university!
What courses would we need?

To get the ball rolling, Beer drinking certificate - level 1

1. enter pub
2. order pint of beer (immediate failure for ordering girly drinks and alcopops)
3. drink pint of beer
4. ogle barmaid
5. *discuss point 4 with reference to sexual inequalities and female / male stereotypical roles in the modern social climate with particular reference to the inappropriate and unwarranted invasion of personal and social space.




*point 5 will be removed once we've secured funding and we've hoodwinked the PC brigade.:cool:

There is of course the certificate for using a Pub Toilet which follows the steps:

1) Stumble into cubicle
2) Shut Door (they rarely exist)
3) Find Lock (they too rarely exist or consist of the worst diy lock-job ever)
4) Find Toliet
5) Realise you are in the Cleaners cupboard.

You are then awarded the Phd in Pub Toliet Finding a great achievement....

[Gene Hunt]

The Org "I'm Outraged" Certificate.

1 .. Find a thread, any thread. It doesnt matter which, Outrage can be used on ANY subject.
2 .. Then knowing full well that it is a humorous comment, get "outraged" and post up a condascending and judgmental remark based on the assumption that the thread topic or even just a comment was a direct attack on you.
3 .. If the Poster doesnt throw himself prostate at your feet pleading forgiveness then post another ineffective comment. Again, assume they were attacking you directly even if a blind man in a snowstorm can see they werent.
4 .. If the Poster still hasnt offered to sell his first born child into slavery as penance then bring out the big guns and make out they are really a bit of a rotter. Some kind of random comment along the lines of "Its alright for you" for instance.
5 .. Convince yourself your right, even if you really haven got a clue what about, dramatically spit the dummy and retire comfortable in the knowledge that "you told them", phone all your friends and brag about your new found prowess as an "Internet Warrior".

Congratulations. You have passed "Org Outrage Level 1"

[achingale]

Phill, can we have a Wine Drinking Certificate Level 1 because beer is horrible to me? And can us girls oggle the Barman? I think I would pass the other two mentioned so far...:lol:

[Phill]

Phill, can we have a Wine Drinking Certificate Level 1 because beer is horrible to me? And can us girls oggle the Barman? I think I would pass the other two mentioned so far...:lol:

If you feel you are suitably qualified please feel free to propose yourself as course tutor and submit your course details.

;)

[Phill]

.Org University, Faculty of Driving.
Tutors: northener & Gene Hunt
Dean of Faculty: Lord Thurso

Entry requirements:
Not be a Berk
Valid UK Driving Licence
Common Sense (!)
Breathing
Self Control of Bladder and other basic human faculties


Level 1 - appropriate use of speed given road conditions.
Tutor: northener
Here northener will guide you through the basic controls of a vehicle including the pedal near the door and the effect on the motive continuation of your journey with due regard to other road users (in particular northener).

Level 2 - the Highway code (according to Gene Hunt) and the woodchipper penalties
Tutor: Gene Hunt
Here Mr Hunt will diligently guide you through the maze that is the Highway Code and the penalties you, and your vehicle, may face should you fail to comply.

Level 3 (advanced) - Use of roundabouts
Here you will have the benefit of both tutors on the correct use of roundabouts. With their world leading electric shock therapy based cognitive teaching methods they'll soon have you "up to speed" on roundabouts and what you are actually supposed do when approaching and using them.

On successful completion of the first three parts you then become eligible to enrol on the Dean of Faculty Villiger diploma course on overtaking whilst chuffing a big cigar.

:eek:

[golach]

The Org "I'm Outraged" Certificate.

1 .. Find a thread, any thread. It doesnt matter which, Outrage can be used on ANY subject.
2 .. Then knowing full well that it is a humorous comment, get "outraged" and post up a condascending and judgmental remark based on the assumption that the thread topic or even just a comment was a direct attack on you.
3 .. If the Poster doesnt throw himself prostate at your feet pleading forgiveness then post another ineffective comment. Again, assume they were attacking you directly even if a blind man in a snowstorm can see they werent.
4 .. If the Poster still hasnt offered to sell his first born child into slavery as penance then bring out the big guns and make out they are really a bit of a rotter. Some kind of random comment along the lines of "Its alright for you" for instance.
5 .. Convince yourself your right, even if you really haven got a clue what about, dramatically spit the dummy and retire comfortable in the knowledge that "you told them", phone all your friends and brag about your new found prowess as an "Internet Warrior".

Congratulations. You have passed "Org Outrage Level 1"
Throwing your rattle out of the pram in mid rant gets you a minus marking [lol] and you have to start all over again, after grovelling to all the senior Orgers

[Gene Hunt]

The Caithness.Org "Bald is Sexy" course.
Tutor .. Joxville
Duration .. As quick as is humanly possible, receeding hairlines wait for no one.

This course consists of three modules.

1 .. Acceptance of Baldness ... Here students are tutored to accept the fact they now look like a boiled egg with teeth. They are encouraged to bring in photographs of themselves with hair to ease the transition to proud baldies. Once they accept the fact they are bald they are de-sensitised to their hair loss by gently being re-introduced to hair products without shaking like a jelly in a hurricane. The final aim is being able to spend ten minutes in a barber shop without throwing yourself down on your knees and wailing "Why Lord ??, why my hair ??, have you no mercy ??" at the Heavens. The final exam is complete when a student is given a tub of hair gel and manages to not cry and/or look nostalgic.

Embracing Baldness .. Here students are taught to embrace their hair loss. This module is a rather short one and is designed to teach the students that its ok to be bald. This consists of a long session of Sean Connery movies and is designed to delude the student into believing that just because Sean Connery is bald and women fancy HIM women find ALL bald men attractive. The delusion is deemed to have worked if no one asks why Sean Connery plays a Spanish Nobleman, a Russian Submarine Captain and an Irish cop all with a Scottish accent. This proves his bald masculine presence is obviously hypnotic.

Living with Baldness .. Here students are taught to deal with the everyday problems that baldness can induce. Like avoiding the gleam from a shiny napper when its sunny, the problem of sunburn on the dome that can make you look like a six foot spot and the age old skill of tactically deflecting the disco light glare to get the attention of a woman by using dome wax (a background of trigonometry is helpful here) and this module ends on a high note with an uplifting talk entitled "At least your not Ginger*"

* Before complaining about this talk please read the previous post on the "Outrage Certificate" and be advised that I have nothing but the deepest respect for our Ginger brothers and sisters. I am merely joking and going for a cheap laugh. I have no prejudices against Ginger people at all. In fact Isla Fisher is a redhead and I think she is well fit. I am willing to undergo Ginger Awareness training to placate any successful students on the "Outrage Certificate" course.

[twiglet]

I'm with Achingale on the wine and ogling the barman or if we are being politically correct, it should have been barperson in the first place.

We should have a certificate in .Orgology.
1) How to make a post that is relevant and interesting.
2) How to send a pm to another .orger.
3) How to use your ignore facility to good affect.
4) The last can be several modules on the chatroom.
i)Using the chat room
ii)Having a conversation in the chat room with other .orgers within
the prescribed guidelines.
iii) participating in the weekly quiz
iv) Managing to re-enter the chatroom after eviction by the server.

We should also get certs for becoming a .orger, 1k, 2k etc but then again , some people could end up getting suspended for excessive posting by trying to achieve these goals. Maybe not then.......

[joxville]

The Caithness.Org "Bald is Sexy" course.
Tutor .. Joxville
Duration .. As quick as is humanly possible, receeding hairlines wait for no one.

This course consists of three modules.

1 .. Acceptance of Baldness ... Here students are tutored to accept the fact they now look like a boiled egg with teeth. They are encouraged to bring in photographs of themselves with hair to ease the transition to proud baldies. Once they accept the fact they are bald they are de-sensitised to their hair loss by gently being re-introduced to hair products without shaking like a jelly in a hurricane. The final aim is being able to spend ten minutes in a barber shop without throwing yourself down on your knees and wailing "Why Lord ??, why my hair ??, have you no mercy ??" at the Heavens. The final exam is complete when a student is given a tub of hair gel and manages to not cry and/or look nostalgic.

Embracing Baldness .. Here students are taught to embrace their hair loss. This module is a rather short one and is designed to teach the students that its ok to be bald. This consists of a long session of Sean Connery movies and is designed to delude the student into believing that just because Sean Connery is bald and women fancy HIM women find ALL bald men attractive. The delusion is deemed to have worked if no one asks why Sean Connery plays a Spanish Nobleman, a Russian Submarine Captain and an Irish cop all with a Scottish accent. This proves his bald masculine presence is obviously hypnotic.

Living with Baldness .. Here students are taught to deal with the everyday problems that baldness can induce. Like avoiding the gleam from a shiny napper when its sunny, the problem of sunburn on the dome that can make you look like a six foot spot and the age old skill of tactically deflecting the disco light glare to get the attention of a woman by using dome wax (a background of trigonometry is helpful here) and this module ends on a high note with an uplifting talk entitled "At least your not Ginger*"

* Before complaining about this talk please read the previous post on the "Outrage Certificate" and be advised that I have nothing but the deepest respect for our Ginger brothers and sisters. I am merely joking and going for a cheap laugh. I have no prejudices against Ginger people at all. In fact Isla Fisher is a redhead and I think she is well fit. I am willing to undergo Ginger Awareness training to placate any successful students on the "Outrage Certificate" course.

I suppose I'd better study for the Outraged Diploma, especially because I'm not really bald....I, erm erm, actually have a flowing perm. Check my avatar-that's my hair super-imposed on Farrah. ;)

[majic]

yer right...