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View Full Version : Lets get a bit o' humour back to the org.



Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Mar-06, 23:27
Two mermaid detectives are trying to solve the murder of one of the great Blue Whales that used to swim in the ocean.

The seal forensics came in to check out all the DNA,but all the evidence never came to anything.

P.C Spongebob Squarepants comes in and says,"Aye theres definetely something fishy about this case!!!!!!!"[lol] [lol]

angela5
24-Mar-06, 23:32
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!":grin:

Saveman
24-Mar-06, 23:33
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!":grin:

LOL! :lol:

Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Mar-06, 23:36
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!":grin:

Hee-hee:lol: :lol:

Guy walks into the doctor with jelly,cream and hundreds & thousands sticking out of one ear.

The doctor says"Can I help you?"

The guy says,"Can you speak up a bit,I'm a trifle deaf!!!!!!"

Saveman
24-Mar-06, 23:39
Hee-hee:lol: :lol:

Guy walks into the doctor with jelly,cream and hundreds & thousands sticking out of one ear.

The doctor says"Can I help you?"

The guy says,"Can you speak up a bit,I'm a trifle deaf!!!!!!"

LOL
Cedric, that is truly dire! :lol:


Are you trying to kill off the remaining orgers?? ;)

2little2late
24-Mar-06, 23:44
A gigantic hole 6ft wide by 8ft deep suddenly appeared in the road. The local council was mystified by the discovery.

The police are looking into it.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Mar-06, 23:44
Cheers Saveman,I aim to please!!!!!!!!:lol: :lol:

Dire............


An old popstar is walking through the town,not the dapper young guy he used to be,but looking more like a tramp.

Two guys see him and one asks was that guy in The Kinks?

"Naw,"says the other one,"He's in Dire Straits!!!!!!!":lol:

angela5
24-Mar-06, 23:44
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/beatglasses.jpg

[lol] [lol]

Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Mar-06, 23:48
A gigantic hole 6ft wide by 8ft deep suddenly appeared in the road. The local council was mystified by the discovery.

The police are looking into it.

The jokemeisters in the house!!!!!!!!!:lol: :lol:

Whats round and white and is that clean its hole smells of mint?

A polo mint......ah!!!!clean joke that.......:lol:

angela5
24-Mar-06, 23:49
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Saveman
24-Mar-06, 23:53
OHhhhhhhh my word........

So when are we going to bring the humour back?? ;)

:lol:

scorrie
24-Mar-06, 23:53
Daybreak on Brokeback Mountain.

The sun was just beginning to reach the crest of Brokeback Mountain. The lingering mist was starting to burn away from the foothills as the sun's rays worked their powerful magic. Rattlesnakes were stirring from their slumber and the only sound that could be heard was the gentle whirring of the Cicadas.
Suddenly in the distance a Rooster crowed "Cock-A-Dude-'ll-Do", Two Cowboys could be heard echoing "Amen to that". Alan Ladd turned over in his grave and another day was born on Brokeback Mountain.

angela5
24-Mar-06, 23:53
I've just come back from the beauty parlor! said the wife.

What a pity it was closed! replyed the husband.

2little2late
24-Mar-06, 23:54
Surprisingly the local nick got burgled and thieves made off with all the toilet pans.

At the moment the police have nothing to go on.

angela5
24-Mar-06, 23:54
OHhhhhhhh my word........

So when are we going to bring the humour back?? ;)

:lol:

Have a go saveman..you know you want to..[lol]

Saveman
24-Mar-06, 23:56
Surprisingly the local nick got burgled and thieves made off with all the toilet pans.

At the moment the police have nothing to go on.


LOL! :lol:

Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Mar-06, 23:56
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

:lol: :lol: :lol: Cracker angela.

Bertie comes back fae the pub and says to his wife,"See that guy Archie that lives two doors up.He was bragging in the pub that he has been with every woman in the street except one."

"Aye,"says the wife,"That'll be that snobby Mrs Green across the road!!!!!"

Saveman
24-Mar-06, 23:57
Have a go saveman..you know you want to..[lol]


A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Why the long face?"

Saveman
24-Mar-06, 23:59
:lol: :lol: :lol: Cracker angela.

Bertie comes back fae the pub and says to his wife,"See that guy Archie that lives two doors up.He was bragging in the pub that he has been with every woman in the street except one."

"Aye,"says the wife,"That'll be that snobby Mrs Green across the road!!!!!"

I didn't want to laugh.....I really tried not to laugh!

angela5
25-Mar-06, 00:01
:lol: :lol: :lol: Cracker angela.

Bertie comes back fae the pub and says to his wife,"See that guy Archie that lives two doors up.He was bragging in the pub that he has been with every woman in the street except one."

"Aye,"says the wife,"That'll be that snobby Mrs Green across the road!!!!!"

[lol] hee..hee...good one cedric.

angela5
25-Mar-06, 00:02
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car,
where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "
I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive,just like you've been doing to me all these years."[lol]

ice box
25-Mar-06, 00:03
It's great to see some smiles again lol

angela5
25-Mar-06, 00:04
A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, " Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else? " "Why?", asked the lady. " I'm on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!" " True", the man replied, " But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."

[lol] [lol]

Ann
25-Mar-06, 00:13
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........ BUMP........BUMP

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........


He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUM P..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... MP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
UMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

Liz
25-Mar-06, 00:15
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Phillope!:lol:

Cedric Farthsbottom III
25-Mar-06, 00:16
Bunch o' pals go to a health farm realising that they are a bit overweight,so for the first four days nobody eats anything.

On the fifth morning they are all sitting in the morning in the dining room,suddenly an argument starts in the hall.

One of the group goes to see whats happening.There she see's a man shouting at the manager,"I'm starving!!!!!!......really starving!!!!!I need something to eat!!!!!Ye have to give me something to eat!!!!!"

The lassie returns to her friends and says,"Hey folks,we definetely cannae have anything......but ye can have a chocolate bar?"

"How dae ye ken that?",they ask.

The lassie says,"Oh I just seen a guy oot there having a big flake!!!!!"[lol]

Cedric Farthsbottom III
25-Mar-06, 00:18
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........ BUMP........BUMP

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........


He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUM P..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door.

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... MP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
UMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: BRILLIANT!!!.....good one Ann

JAWS
25-Mar-06, 00:30
I really must object to all this frivolity.
Not only do I find it offensive but it lowers the tone of the whole board.

I dread to think what people outwith the County make of some of the disgraceful and extreme views which some posters are hiding behind what they hope will simply be overlooked as 'jock'ularity.

(Sorry folks, I couldn't be bothered with finding startling colours or BIG FONTS. So everybody will do what I say!) :roll:

Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble! :evil

Liz
25-Mar-06, 00:35
A herd of buffalow are roaming the range when a tourist passes by.

"Those are the ugliest animals I've ever seen" he mutters.

One buffalo turns to another and says " Do you know what? I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Ann
25-Mar-06, 00:36
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW appeared out of a dust cloud coming towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“That is correct, take one of the sheep,” said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

“OK, why not,” answered the young man.

“Clearly, you are a consultant,” said the shepherd.

“That’s correct,” replied the young man, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the shepherd. “You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked and you know absolutely nothing about my business. Now, give me back my dog.

elaine
25-Mar-06, 13:11
A guy rings up the doctor and says "Doctor I think I'm incontinent" The doc says "ok, where are you ringing from" and he says "from the waist down"

heh

golach
25-Mar-06, 16:50
A man finds a trumpet growing in his garden.......he had to root it oot,
Mrs G's fav joke

Gleber2
25-Mar-06, 16:59
I really must object to all this frivolity.
Not only do I find it offensive but it lowers the tone of the whole board.

I dread to think what people outwith the County make of some of the disgraceful and extreme views which some posters are hiding behind what they hope will simply be overlooked as 'jock'ularity.

(Sorry folks, I couldn't be bothered with finding startling colours or BIG FONTS. So everybody will do what I say!) :roll:

Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble! :evil

A four legged shark, a four legged shark, He'll never let you down,
He'll write you a diatribe right to the end
But can you call Jaws,call Jaws a friend.[evil]

2little2late
25-Mar-06, 17:13
While on holiday in Vienna, I visited a cemetary. I walked passed a grave and could hear music playing from under the ground. I ran to the main cemetary building and got hold of the caretaker of the cemetary. Fortunately he could speak quite good English.
When I explained to him what I had heard I took him to the grave from where I could hear music being played.

"Oh, that's nothing to be scared of" said the man.
"It's only Mozart decomposing".

philupmaboug
25-Mar-06, 17:33
Duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "got any bread"? No! replies the barman, to which the duck replies "got any bread"? No! replies the barman with a little menace in his voice, "got any bread"? NO we don't have any bread! "got any bread"? NO! NO! NO! FOR THE LAST TIME WE DON'T HAVE ANY BREAD! and if you ask again I will nail your beak to the floor!...."got any nails"? no! "got any bread"?

_Ju_
25-Mar-06, 20:06
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW appeared out of a dust cloud coming towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“That is correct, take one of the sheep,” said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

“OK, why not,” answered the young man.

“Clearly, you are a consultant,” said the shepherd.

“That’s correct,” replied the young man, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the shepherd. “You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked and you know absolutely nothing about my business. Now, give me back my dog.


EXELLENT! :lol: :lol: :lol:

elaine
25-Mar-06, 20:13
What do you call a priest on a motorbike? Rev

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug

What do you call a scottish woman with one leg longer than the other? Eileen

What do you call a chinese woman with one leg longer than the other? Irene

What do you call a Glasgow woman stood by herself? Elaine

What do you call a man with 4 rabbits up his nose? Warren

What do you call a woman balancing a tray of lager on her head? Beatrix

heh

oh and what about the guy that goes to the docs and says he feels like a chocolate bar and the doc says "Aye you're Bounty"

porshiepoo
25-Mar-06, 20:17
Not really a joke but see if you can work this one out:

Police authorities are determined to prevent a major escape artist escaping from jail again, so they make a 10ft thick concrete base and stand him on the middle of it while they then build 20ft high concrete walls all around him and a concrete roof - no windows or doors or anything.
All he has inside is a table and chair and a mirror.
How did he escape?

Saveman
25-Mar-06, 20:22
Not really a joke but see if you can work this one out:

Police authorities are determined to prevent a major escape artist escaping from jail again, so they make a 10ft thick concrete base and stand him on the middle of it while they then build 20ft high concrete walls all around him and a concrete roof - no windows or doors or anything.
All he has inside is a table and chair and a mirror.
How did he escape?

My dad told me this one I think.......
He looked in the mirror and he saw, he got the saw and sawed the table in half. Two halfs make a whole, so he climbed out of the hole and got away.

Not sure what the chair was for. ;)

porshiepoo
25-Mar-06, 20:26
Oh poops saveman, I thought it was gonna take a bit longer than that.
Ok,

Daddy bull is in one field and over the road mummy bull is in another field. Baby bull gets out and is hit by a car on the road, he's not badly injured but who does he run to. Mummy bull on the left or daddy bull on the right?

Saveman
25-Mar-06, 20:29
Oh poops saveman, I thought it was gonna take a bit longer than that.
Ok,

Daddy bull is in one field and over the road mummy bull is in another field. Baby bull gets out and is hit by a car on the road, he's not badly injured but who does he run to. Mummy bull on the left or daddy bull on the right?

Mummy bull??? LOL! :lol:

Saveman
25-Mar-06, 20:33
There's a wee bit o' a quiz in the chat room just noo, to get ye warmed up for e proper one tomorrow night if anyone wants to come....

porshiepoo
25-Mar-06, 20:34
Duh, and you were doing so well Saveman! lol.

Is there really such a thing as a female bull???????????

JAWS
25-Mar-06, 23:43
Can somebody please tell me how I can sneak to the Moderators behind your backs to make a big fuss and get you all in trouble! :evil
Just after I posted the above comment last night the board went down.
I do hope the Moderators didn't feel they had to take that action in order to prevent me from bombarding them with PMs and emails. :)

Mind you, I suppose it did give them a bit of peace and quiet for a while.

angela5
26-Mar-06, 00:15
A Democratic strategist assumes room temperature and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped.

St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are moving faster than others.

St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster.

The Democratic strategist looks around but doesn't see Bill Clinton's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is.

"Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."

JAWS
26-Mar-06, 00:20
My ex-wife was standing in front of bedroom mirror with nothing on.
She was obviously feeling a little bit down because she said, "I look horrible, fat and ugly, say something to cheer me up."

Realising I should say something a little kind I thought for a second and replied, "Well, at least you don't need glasses!"

You just can't win with some women! :Razz

angela5
26-Mar-06, 00:23
My ex-wife was standing in front of bedroom mirror with nothing on.
She was obviously feeling a little bit down because she said, "I look horrible, fat and ugly, say something to cheer me up."

Realising I should say something a little kind I thought for a second and replied, "Well, at least you don't need glasses!"

You just can't win with some women! :Razz


I'm sorry Jaws..i just had to laugh at that one..[lol]

angela5
26-Mar-06, 00:32
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

highlander
26-Mar-06, 02:53
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US navy ship and the British authorities, off the scottish coast.The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITISH; please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid a collision.
US NAVY; Recommend your divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
BRITISH; Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
US NAVY; This is the Captain of the US Navy shi. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH; Negative. I say again. you will have to divert your course.
US NAVY; THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP, IN THE UNITIED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS. THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTHOR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH; we are a lighthouse. naff off.

scorrie
26-Mar-06, 14:13
When my brother and I were 13 and 15 respectively we used to dabble in our father's drinks cupboard at New Year. After Mum and Dad were in bed we would sneak downstairs and take an armful of Lager cans upstairs. These would then be consumed in bed with the lights off. On finishing the can, it would be crushed and chucked under the bed. I can recall Mum tackling us about it one morning with the words "What were those strange metallic sounds coming from your bedroom last night?"

I replied "Err, it was just Odd Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark"

Ann
26-Mar-06, 15:35
Highlander, that is brilliant! Ann

Ann
26-Mar-06, 15:43
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Why did God throw him back down?"

angela5
26-Mar-06, 23:09
A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

Cedric Farthsbottom III
26-Mar-06, 23:18
Three chocolate bars walk into a room the first one says

"HELLO!!!I'M A MARS BAR"

The second one says

"HELLO!!!!I'M A BOUNTY!!!!"

The third one says

"hello!!!....I'm a wispa!!!":grin:

Ann
26-Mar-06, 23:20
Like it Cedric! Ann

angela5
26-Mar-06, 23:21
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying swine told you I was speeding too.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
26-Mar-06, 23:32
A widemouthed frog is walking through the jungle and meets a giraffe.

The frog says,"HELLO!!!I'M A WIDE MOUTHED FROG WHO ARE YOU?"

"Hello I'm a giraffe and I eat leaves from the trees",says the giraffe.

The frog hops on and meets a parrot.

The frog says,"HELLO!!!I'M A WIDE MOUTHED FROG WHO ARE YOU?"

"Hello I'm a parrot and I eat seeds",says the parrot

Th frog hops along and meets a crocodile.

The frog says,"HEEEEEELLLLLLOOOO WHO ARE YOU?"

The crocodile says,"Hello I'm a crocodile and I eat Wide Mouthed Frogs."

The frog says,"oooooohh....ye don't get many of them around here!!!!!!!":lol: :lol:

angela5
26-Mar-06, 23:41
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth £50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send the pearl, re-bait the trap."

DW
27-Mar-06, 08:34
It would appear that only humour of a certain type is acceptable. My thread about dead cats was pulled, now why would that be?

Whitewater
27-Mar-06, 10:30
THE WASH CLOTH

A young motherr was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, She alwaws made a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure she was at least presentable. She then threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you ladies do, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?"

She didn't respond.

After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when her 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

She told her to get another one from the linen closet

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

willowbankbear
27-Mar-06, 10:53
It would appear that only humour of a certain type is acceptable. My thread about dead cats was pulled, now why would that be?

Maybe, Or probably the moggie lovers took offence mate & complained.[lol] Or it just isnt funny, especially to those who`ve recently had their cats mown down by a car. Not everyone thinks like D.W or willowbankbear

Chillie
27-Mar-06, 12:24
It would appear that only humour of a certain type is acceptable. My thread about dead cats was pulled, now why would that be?

I noticed that DW sad crack eh! I see some bad repped me and the coward never left their calling card,"chicken own up " or maybe its the case of the "cat got their tongue ", I thought this was againts the rules.:mad:

willowbankbear
27-Mar-06, 12:36
Funny you should say that, as it happened to me last week & I thought it was against the rules. I wouldnt lose any sleep chillie though,

Chillie
27-Mar-06, 12:40
Funny you should say that, as it happened to me last week & I thought it was against the rules. I wouldnt lose any sleep chillie though,

Thanks, I am not going to lose any sleep, but I did report it to Neil.:mad:

willowbankbear
27-Mar-06, 13:07
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough
they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I
play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on
purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and
bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that
he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing.
I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them
just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another
shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, and then turn
to the third mouse and ask, "Where on earth are you
going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to batter the cat."

DW
27-Mar-06, 13:11
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to batter the cat."

You can't beat a deep-fried moggie. [lol]

willowbankbear
27-Mar-06, 13:19
Doh, Ive just realised its a joke about cats ,LOL whoops, hope no-one minds but the original gag was, a bit ruder but Im not getting barred again,

willowbankbear
27-Mar-06, 13:29
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Silly thing's an hour fast."

willowbankbear
27-Mar-06, 13:38
White House Breakfast:
Dick Cheney and George Bush are having breakfast early one morning at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like for breakfast.
He replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fresh fruit".
"And what can I get for you Mr. President?"
George W replies with his trademark wink and a slight grin,
"How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton and you are only in the first year of your second
term!" as the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.
"It's pronounced 'quiche'."

willowbankbear
27-Mar-06, 13:43
Can I have some Irish sausages please, asked Paddy.

The Assistant looked at him puzzled and asked, are you Irish?

If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or,
if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I
asked you for a kosher hotdog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Would ya, ay? Would ya?...

The assistant says, err well no...

If I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

And if I asked you for some bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I
was
American?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?

Would ya, ay? Would ya?...

Well, probably not, replied the assistant.

With self-indignation, the man says, well, all right then, why did
you ask
me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?

Because you're in Homebase mate!

grantyg
27-Mar-06, 13:58
I noticed that DW sad crack eh! I see some bad repped me and the coward never left their calling card,"chicken own up " or maybe its the case of the "cat got their tongue ", I thought this was againts the rules.:mad:

Well I bad repped you for it as I did disapprove of the post it was in bad taste and as said in the rep a childish attempt at humour against cat lovers and animal lovers in general - especially when there is a few people on the board had cats go missing or killed.
When you have an animal it is like loosing a member of your family when they die so that is my reason for giving you Bad rep for it.
I will be more than happy if you disagree and I accept the Bad rep as you may disapprove of my feelings.
I tried to disapprove of DW`s post too but as I have already bad repped him for some tripe like post I couldn`t do it again!

Chillie
27-Mar-06, 14:03
You can't beat a deep-fried moggie. [lol]


Yum,Yum:p :p

ice box
27-Mar-06, 14:11
Just childish looks to me that some people should still be at school.

JAWS
27-Mar-06, 19:44
Chillie, I think you put the cat amongst the pigeons with you post. :lol:

angela5
28-Mar-06, 00:58
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

angela5
28-Mar-06, 01:03
While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it.

A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that stupid lamp for. . ."

"OK, alright" the guy responds.

"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."

This annoy's the genie.

He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "

Bingobabe
28-Mar-06, 01:09
While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it.

A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that stupid lamp for. . ."

"OK, alright" the guy responds.

"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."

This annoy's the genie.

He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "lol rotfl heheheheheheheheheheheh

angela5
28-Mar-06, 01:17
When a boy got a set of drums for his birthday, the man next door gave him a new pocket knife and said, "Why don't you see what's inside the drums?"[lol]

angela5
28-Mar-06, 01:23
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CHURCH WHEN.......

.......the staff consists of a senior pastor, an associate pastor and a sociopastor.
.......the church bus contains a gun rack.
.......they have an ATM machine in the foyer.
....... you enter, an usher asks, "smoking or non-smoking?"
.......you see this guy there:
http://www.angelfire.com/hi/funnyspring/images/slkwilly.gif

sassylass
28-Mar-06, 04:35
What does the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do every night?


He lays awake wondering if there really is a dog......

compo
28-Mar-06, 07:57
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.


When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost
it."

grantyg
28-Mar-06, 15:43
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

milk,

a carton of eggs,

orange juice,

lettuce,

coffee,

and a 1 lb. package of bacon.



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed
the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to her marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you that?"





The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Cedric Farthsbottom III
28-Mar-06, 22:44
Guy walks into Caithness General wi' a lettuce sticking oot his bum.

The doctor says,"Is there any other pain"

Guy says,"Here this is just the tip o' the iceberg!!!!!!!":roll: