View Full Version : Coping with grief .
cuddlepop
05-Jun-09, 09:34
How do you try to "understand" when a young life is taken.?
My son lost a dear friend lastnight in that crash on the Varigal rd.His friend was driving his motorbike at the time and his luck just ran out.
My brother lot a friend in similar circumstances and age,he said to leave him alone.Times a great healer and all that but he's just had to go to his uncles funeral who died unexpectadly.:(
I just am so relieved none of my kids took after their grandfather who had a passion for motorbikes.:~(
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal with it, tell him you love him, you are sorry he is hurting and you are there at anytime if he wants to talk to you.
Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone else, someone you can open up to and know you won't have to face again.
Cruse offer great counselling/support after a death but it isn't for everyone.
Sometimes marking the death, the life, and just getting together to remember with other friends can help but again it is such an individual choice.
What would be help to one person could make things worse for another.
Life is cruel and I am sorry your son lost his friend.
Cliched and overused but time really is the best healer xxx
Let him take things easy, don't pressure him for anything (tidy room , home work etc) that usually stresses him out, maybe offer to do things as a family if he gets bored or do some one to one stuff with him (if he wants to)... generally just help him to keep his mind of it for a while.
Time is a great healer and sitting at home bored mulling it over all the time does not help.
Be there if he wants to talk but I find that most boys don't want to talk about stuff that has to do with emotions. They rather take it up with their mates or keep it to themselves. Depends on his age but I was guessing he is a teenager.
Keep him occupied or offer him lifts to places to keep himself occupied. Cook his favourite meal etc.
Hope you get what I mean. Let time do the rest.
It must be so hard for your son to loose a friend like that, and so hard for you as a parent to try to help him with his grief. We just don't know what to do for the best. Every time a young life is taken on the roads, lessons should be learned - sadly it never seems to be the case. the young still think they are invincible - it only happens to other people.
we can only do our best and be there for them - there is no sense to be made of it.
cuddlepop
05-Jun-09, 10:27
Lastnight he wanted to talk but I couldnt get a hold of him,phone just kept going to answere machine.
This morning he doesnt want to talk about it.I will leave him alone but never far away in my thoughts.:(:~(
Thanks for the advice.
How old is he cuddlepop ?
arana negra
05-Jun-09, 10:55
I am so sorry to read of your sons and the family loss. It is a very difficult time for all. My thoughts are with you all.
Both my sons lost good friends and acquaintances ( too many in a short time) 3 in car crash, 2 killed after getting of school bus, 1 drowned, 1 on sports field, 1 first time solvent experience, 1 took their own life.
My elder son kept to himself about the deaths except for one good mate who he talked to. One the girls was a real close friend, he visits her grave periodically.
My younger son had a great bunch of mates that stuck together like glue through thick and thin, they talked the parents of the the young lads, they en mass went to the funerals and cementary and still visit both graves and parents.
We as parents talked with them about the deaths, some accidental, some took their own lives. We talked at length when they wanted and hugged regularly.
cuddlepop
05-Jun-09, 14:07
How old is he cuddlepop ?
He's 22 Starry so a bit too old for a cuddle from his mum...or so he thinks.
Thinks getting drunk is the answere but as we all know its still there when you sober up and your skint.:~(
achingale
05-Jun-09, 14:52
Think he will realise he needs a cuddle from his mum. He may be scared who he is next going to lose as well as dealing with the grief. He will be all over the place for a while. After the funeral, he will begin to come to terms with it. He will need you. Just let him deal with it in his own way. Suggest he does something in remembrance of his friend, like planting a tree or a bush, or visiting a favourite place where they used to go. it is a hard time.
I was so gutted when I heard my mum just told me. Ollie was such a nice person so easy going and kind etc its totally gutting must be hell for your son just be there for him when he needs you x :~(:~(
cuddlepop
05-Jun-09, 16:17
I was so gutted when I heard my mum just told me. Ollie was such a nice person so easy going and kind etc its totally gutting must be hell for your son just be there for him when he needs you x :~(:~(
I never knew the lad but my daughter worked with him in the coop and he was thought of very highly.
Its very true about the good dying young.:~(
teenybash
05-Jun-09, 16:20
He's 22 Starry so a bit too old for a cuddle from his mum...or so he thinks.
Thinks getting drunk is the answere but as we all know its still there when you sober up and your skint.:~(
He will never be too old for his Mother comforting cuddle.....even if he has had a drink or two.
Somewhere in the midst of his emotional shock, he will know you are there....how sad that another youngster has lost their life....and for what.
Your boys grief will, in time, run it's course and he will come through and hopefully remember all the good times he and his mate enjoyed together.
Give him a hug from Teeny............:~(
cuddlepop
05-Jun-09, 16:26
He will never be too old for his Mother comforting cuddle.....even if he has had a drink or two.
Somewhere in the midst of his emotional shock, he will know you are there....how sad that another youngster has lost their life....and for what.
Your boys grief will, in time, run it's course and he will come through and hopefully remember all the good times he and his mate enjoyed together.
Give him a hug from Teeny............:~(
The think is that with a drink he becomes all emotional so doesnt want to see me.He's trying to understand "why" and you and me both know you just have to accept fate no matter what it hands you.:~(
My first husband lost his best friend in a motorbike accident when we were 23. Craig had been our best man and only married for 9 months himself. It was devastating. My husband dealt with it in his usual stoical northern lancastrian manner. He did practical things and drank too much for a wee while. We eventually found it easier to talk about craig and were able to laugh with the memories of some of the scrapes they had got into. It was only when we found we were expecting our first baby that he cried though. The realisation that he couldnt share this amazing news with his mate was very difficult for him. I guess what i am saying is dont expect him to want necessarily to talk straight away. It might take a while before his true feelings come to the fore. Time does heal and although my husband and I split we often mention craig to each other and share stories with the boys. We gave our first child craig as a middle name and it keeps his memory there I guess.
He's 22 Starry so a bit too old for a cuddle from his mum...or so he thinks.
Thinks getting drunk is the answere but as we all know its still there when you sober up and your skint.:~(
Oh :(
It is so much easier when they are little isn't it and you can make it better with hugs.
I hope he is ok cuddle xx
cuddlepop
05-Jun-09, 18:00
Oh :(
It is so much easier when they are little isn't it and you can make it better with hugs.
I hope he is ok cuddle xx
Yes it is so much easier when they're wee.:~(
ŠAmethyst
05-Jun-09, 18:02
He probably thinks he needs to be strong. I don't understand why men think crying is a huge sign of weakness.
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine that I worked with (also from Caithness) was found dead in his flat. When I heard of it, I couldn't stop crying, and all I wanted was a hug from my mum. I was 22 at the time. I'm now 24, and a colleague of mine passed away in a motorbike accident recently. I didn't know Mark all that well, but it affected everyone I worked with and a few tears were shed in the office (not that we admit it to each other though). Again, all I wanted was a cuddle from my mum.
I hope he's near to you. Those times were hard for me as my mum was still in Caithness and I was just too far away for a hug.
My thoughts are with you, your son and others who are affected at this terrible time.
Teeny is right tho, he will know you are there if he needs you xx
Tighsonas4
05-Jun-09, 18:05
there is no easy answer to these things as no two people deal eith it in the same way.have experienced it first hand[un fortunately]
theres all sort of sayings ,like time heals etc
it would need to do something as the initial shock is unimagineable believe me i know,something is always going to be done but what
another motor bike accident today
to share in someone elses grief can help and many do tony
ps never realised cp that it was ollie we were refering to until i heard the news
it was four years ago we had it at our own door ,no easy answers
You just have to be there when he needs to talk. What he's doing with drink is bad but its a way of coping for him. He'll stop when he realises what he's doing.
He probably thinks he needs to be strong. I don't understand why men think crying is a huge sign of weakness.
Its not just men. i'm a woman but i feel that for me crying is a sign of weakness and makes you vulnerable to attack. But i'm a woman who tries to defy all only woman rules in society lol so don't listen to me;)
Powered by vBulletin® Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.