The Pepsi Challenge
03-Mar-06, 02:14
... so things got a little boring for me today.
Curriculum Vitae - Walter Smith OBE
(Feb 1948) Walter Smith was born in Glasgow on 24th February 1948 and grew up in Carmyle in the east end of the city as boyhood fan of the huns. He trained as an electrician and gained employment at the South of Scotland Electricity Board before launching his football career in the 1960s as a defender with non-League Glaswegian team Ashfield.
(1966 - 1975) Enjoys a particularly un-noteworthy and mediocre career at Dundee United, the 'highlight' of which was reaching the 1974 Scottish Cup Final at Hampden... where he and the rest of the tangerine mob were on the wrong end of a 3-0 skelping by Celtic.
(1975 - 1977) As his career rockets, Wattie leaves Tayside for a money-spinning £7000 transfer to the heady heights of... er, Dumbarton.
(1977 - 1986) Tiring of the glamour and the high life down Dumbarton way, he leaves for another lucrative move... back to Tayside, to play second fiddle to Jim McLean in the Tannadice dug-out.
(1986 - 1991) Joins Rankers to play second fiddle to Graeme Souness as they establish a quite unique and curiously bizarre blend of chequebook management - i.e. blowing £50m+ on a stream of grossly over-inflated, over-rated, duffers when there was no competition to speak of. Rankers would go on to become a European laughing stock, and set a record for being the club most often knocked out of European competition - usually at the first stage. They did however enjoy domestic success - if you consider spending £50m+ on the SPL baubles to be a measure of 'success'.
(1991 - 1997) Inherits an established team at Rankers and carries on the twin mantles of enhancing Rankers growing stature as European football's resident court jesters, and domestic spendthrift, blowing a further £45m despite there still being no domestic competition to speak of. Invokes the confidence of David Murray, who, assures everyone "We have to deliver a European trophy within three or four years, or be challenging regularly in the Champions League. If we are not doing well in that timescale I will consider my tenure to have been a total failure". Rankers go on to get horsed out of Europe, concede the League title to Celtic, and the Scottish Cup to Hearts.
During his glory years at The Death Star, when the cash flowed like water, Wattie had the European footballing elite quaking in their Predators, as he took Rankers to the dizzying heights of the CL Qualifying Round (twice), the First Round (twice), and the bottom of their Group (twice), including an 8-1 aggregate mauling by Juventus in 1995. On the one occaision when Rankers actually were able to claw their way out of the Group, it was by way of 4 Draws, and 2 narrow Wins over the giants of Club Brugge and CSKA Moscow.
(June 1998) Jumping before he was pushed, Smith is last seen speeding out the back door of Legoland and jumping into a taxi bound for Merseyside, where he joins Everton in July of that year.
(Sep 00) Horsed out of the Worthington Cup by the mighty Bristol Rovers.
(Dec 00) Slaughtered 5-0 by Manchester City.
(Jan 01) Horsed out of the FA Cup in painful fashion after being pumped 3-0 by local minnows Tranmere Rovers.
(Mar 2002) Sacked by Everton for using his unique 'talents' to take them to the heady heights of a 13-game string of Away defeats, the precipice of a relegation dogfight, and blowing an incredible £58m of their hard-earned. In his three seasons at Goodison, Everton finished in 13th, 14th, and 16th places respectively.
In addition his legacy after nearly three seasons in charge reads : “Everton were playing utterly awful football with little spirit or creativity. He failed to play most of the players in their best position. He could not ensure that each player understood the team plan and his particular role within it. The available players appeared to be poorly prepared for each match. The rumours about poor morale, lack of communications, dreadful fitness, diet and conditioning regimes at Everton could not all be dismissed. It was as if he needed the services of a head coach of real subtlety and skill. The 4-5-1 & 5-3-2 experiments had been a complete disaster, and a total failure. He could not decide on a formation and basic system of playing. The policy of buying ageing injured players had backfired badly. Based on performance, Everton were consistently poor; no defence was possible; there were no excuses – Everton under Walter Smith were simply dreadful”. (Source : ToffeeWeb)
Smith’s managerial ineptitude is amply demonstrated by the fact that he deemed Thomas Graveson fit enough only, for a place on the bench. Graveson would later go on to be signed by no lesser a club than Real Madrid.
(2002 - 2004) Spends two years on the broo, er 'resting'. Pops up occaisionally on Lodge Sportscene and the like, to cheer on The Sons of William and stick the boot into Celtic whenever the occaision presents itself. It is not known at this stage, wether he has sold his share in The Rosevale Tavern (Partick) - a west end watering hole which displays Loyalist paraphenalia behind the gantry. Orange-clad knuckle-draggers feeling particularly flush can also buy Loyalist CD's, Red Hand badges, and other assorted Masonic and Loyalist trinkets, should they so be inclined – which they usually are.
(Mar - May 2004) After two years 'resting', manages to cadge a job at Old Trafford, playing second fiddle (he has bags of experience in this role by now) to Alex Ferguson. Lasts a whopping 3 months, before being politely moved on.
(July - Nov 2004) Enjoys a further 'rest' period, while his bretheren in the Scottish meeja orchestrate a structured campaign of hate and vitriol against Berti Vogts, with a view to having their brother and loyal friend installed as Worshipful Master over at Lodge Hampden #1.
(Dec 2004) After a successful and particularly biased cheerleading campaign by the heavily agendised Scottish meeja, and despite there being a number of better rated candidates for the post, (having a Fenian in the chair is almost as bad as having a German), Wattie tries hard to hide his embarassment as he gleefully puts pen to paper on another money-for-nothing, money-spinning, lucrative package.
(March 2005) Leads a team of Bravehearts into the bubbling cauldron of an empty San Siro and carries on where Craig Brown left off, deftly positioning 11 men behind the ball. He is rewarded with a magnificent 2-0 defeat against a team operating at around 50%. After the game Wattie takes comfort from the fact The Shellsuit played well, and lavishes praise on his former Death Star protoge, ignoring completely, the endeavours of his ten team-mates. This diversionary tactic deflects attention from his bizarre team selections, nepotisitc approach, and negative tactics. The criticism from his chums in the meeja is deafening in its silence.
(August 2005) Wattie continues to distinguish himself by snatching a draw from the jaws of victory, as his team fail to hold onto a 2-0 lead against those monoliths of European football – Austria - and capitulate in an embarassing heap with only seven minutes left to play.
(Oct 2005) Wattie steers Scotland to an impressive 0-1 home defeat to Belarus, as the World Cup dream turns into a nightmare, and Scotland take their place alongside the likes of Cyprus, Albania, and Estonia, peering into the big boys playground wondering what it’s like to qualify for a tournament proper. To put the result into perspective, Belarus were registering only their second away win EVER, in their entire history – the first one being against the might of, er, Malta. In a fantastic example of blue-tinted camaraderie for old times’ sake, Wattie’s chums in the Rankers-friendly meeja continue to deflect responsibility from The Cardigan by continuing to blame Bertie Vogts, David Taylor, the players, the officials, the SFA, FIFA, Santa Claus, Lee Harvey Oswald, The Tooth Fairy ……
(Nov 2005) Wattie continues his meteoric rise to mediocrity, with a display that he describes as "wonderful ... brilliant ... absolutely outstanding ... and, sensational." This outlandish hyperbole is used to mask the fact that the match ended in a 1-1 draw. Refusing to be downbeat about yet another dull failure to win, Wattie announces that he is "quite satisfied" with the result. Curiously, only 26,000 managed to turn up for this match, despite there being a near bloodbath for tickets 4 weeks previously, when the glory-hunting hoardes thought there was a chance of a European wee-wee-up in the offing.
(Jan 2006) Out with the old, and in with the new. As a New Year dawns, Wattie’s report card reads : Must do better. Walter sets himself particularly low standards, which he invariably fails to live up to.
(March 2006) Wattie’s first game of 2006 sees him lead his team to a humiliating 3 - 1 humping at the hands of the mighty clock-makers of Switzerland. It could have been the 1st of April, rather than the 1st of March for hapless cuckoo Wattie, who commented : "Over all, they were better, passed the ball better and were more compact than us. That's my worst experience so far. I played the formation that worked well for us, but I may have to look at that."
To be continued. Maybe.
Curriculum Vitae - Walter Smith OBE
(Feb 1948) Walter Smith was born in Glasgow on 24th February 1948 and grew up in Carmyle in the east end of the city as boyhood fan of the huns. He trained as an electrician and gained employment at the South of Scotland Electricity Board before launching his football career in the 1960s as a defender with non-League Glaswegian team Ashfield.
(1966 - 1975) Enjoys a particularly un-noteworthy and mediocre career at Dundee United, the 'highlight' of which was reaching the 1974 Scottish Cup Final at Hampden... where he and the rest of the tangerine mob were on the wrong end of a 3-0 skelping by Celtic.
(1975 - 1977) As his career rockets, Wattie leaves Tayside for a money-spinning £7000 transfer to the heady heights of... er, Dumbarton.
(1977 - 1986) Tiring of the glamour and the high life down Dumbarton way, he leaves for another lucrative move... back to Tayside, to play second fiddle to Jim McLean in the Tannadice dug-out.
(1986 - 1991) Joins Rankers to play second fiddle to Graeme Souness as they establish a quite unique and curiously bizarre blend of chequebook management - i.e. blowing £50m+ on a stream of grossly over-inflated, over-rated, duffers when there was no competition to speak of. Rankers would go on to become a European laughing stock, and set a record for being the club most often knocked out of European competition - usually at the first stage. They did however enjoy domestic success - if you consider spending £50m+ on the SPL baubles to be a measure of 'success'.
(1991 - 1997) Inherits an established team at Rankers and carries on the twin mantles of enhancing Rankers growing stature as European football's resident court jesters, and domestic spendthrift, blowing a further £45m despite there still being no domestic competition to speak of. Invokes the confidence of David Murray, who, assures everyone "We have to deliver a European trophy within three or four years, or be challenging regularly in the Champions League. If we are not doing well in that timescale I will consider my tenure to have been a total failure". Rankers go on to get horsed out of Europe, concede the League title to Celtic, and the Scottish Cup to Hearts.
During his glory years at The Death Star, when the cash flowed like water, Wattie had the European footballing elite quaking in their Predators, as he took Rankers to the dizzying heights of the CL Qualifying Round (twice), the First Round (twice), and the bottom of their Group (twice), including an 8-1 aggregate mauling by Juventus in 1995. On the one occaision when Rankers actually were able to claw their way out of the Group, it was by way of 4 Draws, and 2 narrow Wins over the giants of Club Brugge and CSKA Moscow.
(June 1998) Jumping before he was pushed, Smith is last seen speeding out the back door of Legoland and jumping into a taxi bound for Merseyside, where he joins Everton in July of that year.
(Sep 00) Horsed out of the Worthington Cup by the mighty Bristol Rovers.
(Dec 00) Slaughtered 5-0 by Manchester City.
(Jan 01) Horsed out of the FA Cup in painful fashion after being pumped 3-0 by local minnows Tranmere Rovers.
(Mar 2002) Sacked by Everton for using his unique 'talents' to take them to the heady heights of a 13-game string of Away defeats, the precipice of a relegation dogfight, and blowing an incredible £58m of their hard-earned. In his three seasons at Goodison, Everton finished in 13th, 14th, and 16th places respectively.
In addition his legacy after nearly three seasons in charge reads : “Everton were playing utterly awful football with little spirit or creativity. He failed to play most of the players in their best position. He could not ensure that each player understood the team plan and his particular role within it. The available players appeared to be poorly prepared for each match. The rumours about poor morale, lack of communications, dreadful fitness, diet and conditioning regimes at Everton could not all be dismissed. It was as if he needed the services of a head coach of real subtlety and skill. The 4-5-1 & 5-3-2 experiments had been a complete disaster, and a total failure. He could not decide on a formation and basic system of playing. The policy of buying ageing injured players had backfired badly. Based on performance, Everton were consistently poor; no defence was possible; there were no excuses – Everton under Walter Smith were simply dreadful”. (Source : ToffeeWeb)
Smith’s managerial ineptitude is amply demonstrated by the fact that he deemed Thomas Graveson fit enough only, for a place on the bench. Graveson would later go on to be signed by no lesser a club than Real Madrid.
(2002 - 2004) Spends two years on the broo, er 'resting'. Pops up occaisionally on Lodge Sportscene and the like, to cheer on The Sons of William and stick the boot into Celtic whenever the occaision presents itself. It is not known at this stage, wether he has sold his share in The Rosevale Tavern (Partick) - a west end watering hole which displays Loyalist paraphenalia behind the gantry. Orange-clad knuckle-draggers feeling particularly flush can also buy Loyalist CD's, Red Hand badges, and other assorted Masonic and Loyalist trinkets, should they so be inclined – which they usually are.
(Mar - May 2004) After two years 'resting', manages to cadge a job at Old Trafford, playing second fiddle (he has bags of experience in this role by now) to Alex Ferguson. Lasts a whopping 3 months, before being politely moved on.
(July - Nov 2004) Enjoys a further 'rest' period, while his bretheren in the Scottish meeja orchestrate a structured campaign of hate and vitriol against Berti Vogts, with a view to having their brother and loyal friend installed as Worshipful Master over at Lodge Hampden #1.
(Dec 2004) After a successful and particularly biased cheerleading campaign by the heavily agendised Scottish meeja, and despite there being a number of better rated candidates for the post, (having a Fenian in the chair is almost as bad as having a German), Wattie tries hard to hide his embarassment as he gleefully puts pen to paper on another money-for-nothing, money-spinning, lucrative package.
(March 2005) Leads a team of Bravehearts into the bubbling cauldron of an empty San Siro and carries on where Craig Brown left off, deftly positioning 11 men behind the ball. He is rewarded with a magnificent 2-0 defeat against a team operating at around 50%. After the game Wattie takes comfort from the fact The Shellsuit played well, and lavishes praise on his former Death Star protoge, ignoring completely, the endeavours of his ten team-mates. This diversionary tactic deflects attention from his bizarre team selections, nepotisitc approach, and negative tactics. The criticism from his chums in the meeja is deafening in its silence.
(August 2005) Wattie continues to distinguish himself by snatching a draw from the jaws of victory, as his team fail to hold onto a 2-0 lead against those monoliths of European football – Austria - and capitulate in an embarassing heap with only seven minutes left to play.
(Oct 2005) Wattie steers Scotland to an impressive 0-1 home defeat to Belarus, as the World Cup dream turns into a nightmare, and Scotland take their place alongside the likes of Cyprus, Albania, and Estonia, peering into the big boys playground wondering what it’s like to qualify for a tournament proper. To put the result into perspective, Belarus were registering only their second away win EVER, in their entire history – the first one being against the might of, er, Malta. In a fantastic example of blue-tinted camaraderie for old times’ sake, Wattie’s chums in the Rankers-friendly meeja continue to deflect responsibility from The Cardigan by continuing to blame Bertie Vogts, David Taylor, the players, the officials, the SFA, FIFA, Santa Claus, Lee Harvey Oswald, The Tooth Fairy ……
(Nov 2005) Wattie continues his meteoric rise to mediocrity, with a display that he describes as "wonderful ... brilliant ... absolutely outstanding ... and, sensational." This outlandish hyperbole is used to mask the fact that the match ended in a 1-1 draw. Refusing to be downbeat about yet another dull failure to win, Wattie announces that he is "quite satisfied" with the result. Curiously, only 26,000 managed to turn up for this match, despite there being a near bloodbath for tickets 4 weeks previously, when the glory-hunting hoardes thought there was a chance of a European wee-wee-up in the offing.
(Jan 2006) Out with the old, and in with the new. As a New Year dawns, Wattie’s report card reads : Must do better. Walter sets himself particularly low standards, which he invariably fails to live up to.
(March 2006) Wattie’s first game of 2006 sees him lead his team to a humiliating 3 - 1 humping at the hands of the mighty clock-makers of Switzerland. It could have been the 1st of April, rather than the 1st of March for hapless cuckoo Wattie, who commented : "Over all, they were better, passed the ball better and were more compact than us. That's my worst experience so far. I played the formation that worked well for us, but I may have to look at that."
To be continued. Maybe.