View Full Version : Street Wise.
cuddlepop
24-Feb-06, 09:56
Living on Skye we dont have the same awarness of what the :real world :is really like.All too often our kids go away to further their education and get a culture shock.They are more vunerable than most and tend to get themselves in situation that city kids would have seen coming and got out of it .
What can we do to give them this inbuild instint city kids have?I was brought up in Glasgow in the 60's .I never saw any trouble but I;m still steet wise.
To often our kids go south and dont manage the transistion.
As a parent of girls I.m more worried for their own saftey.Just last night my 14 year old was approached by 3 youths in a car,she was terrified and managed to run away.This may have been innocent but my instint tells me otherwise.How do we get the message across without terrifying them?
Your suggestions would be appreciated.
:confused:
Its a hard one this cuddlepop but when my boys were growing up in Caithness we had similar issues. Living in the north of England had meant that we were well aware of the dangers however getting that accross to the boys was more difficult. My advice would be
give the children a list of who they can go with and who they cant. This means that they know that if old Mr mackay asks them do they want a lift they needent be worried about saying no. They just says - im sorry my mum says i cant. They know that only Jennie and Alan and John and Elaine will EVER be asked to pick them up and they are only ever to go with these people.
Watch the news and read the papers and discuss some of the terrible things that happen in the rest of the UK. Not in a scary way but in a matter of fact way - around the dinner table or over a cup of tea.
Talk about situations that might happen again not in a scared sort of way but in a sensible and calm way. Talk through scenarios with them - What would you do if.... and share your own experiences. I remember when "Such and such happened to me" This can be a good way of getting infomration across cos often wehn we find ourselves in scrapes as a young person it is amusing in retrospect. Like the time i was invited to this very very handsome lad's house for coffee and expected him to be living with his mum and dad like i was. He wasnt - he was married his wife was away and he wanted his wicked way with me. :eek: :eek: How i got myself out of that situation makes a hilarious tale but was actually quite scary at the time but it makes a good funny story with a serious message.
Thats what i would do anyways
cuddlepop
24-Feb-06, 10:43
Thanks Squidge will take what you say and use it .Your right when you say try to make a funny story out of it because just now she thinks you cant trust anyone.This Iknow isn't true.
What we did discuss last night with her and her friend was simple safty issues. Dont walk on the pavement nearest the road, have your bag nearest the wall side, carry a body spray,whistle,always tell someone if you change yoyr plans .In the end I was scaring them so stopped:roll:
Maybe its alwas been there but i dont remember mum telling me all this[smirk]
I have a keyword that only myself and my daughter know so that if someone were to pick her up she would ask for the word if they dont have it there is no way whatsoever that she would go.
You can't keep kids in a bubble all the time, let them out and give them the big hard shock treatment, they will probably enjoy life to the max. And thank you for the freedom to do so.
This has nothing to do with keeping anyone in a bubble though. It makes perfect sense to prepare your children for something they have never experienced. Would you let them stick their hand in the fire just so they know how to deal with it next time? Or throw them in the deep end to teach them how to swim?
You can't keep kids in a bubble all the time, let them out and give them the big hard shock treatment, they will probably enjoy life to the max. And thank you for the freedom to do so.
Its not about keeping them in a bubble - its actually about giving them their freedom but equipping them with the skills to deal with whatever that freedom throws at them. If you allow them to have the freedom with none of the skills to deal with whatever they may come up against then you are not doing them any favours. If they and you are confident they are aware of the dangers they may face and how to deal with those situations they they are going to enjoy their freedom much more and you are going to relax much more.
cuddlepop
24-Feb-06, 14:27
Well said Squidge.
Unfortunatly we live in a society that appears to revolve around sex.Recently ithink it was Tesco was forced to remove inapproptiate underwear from there under 12 section.Ido not want my daughters attacked,I do not want there first experience of sex to be rape.So i have spent all morning trying to find someone on Skye who will do self defence classes.No luck,but a friend will teach them what he learned from the caddets but as he's not got a certificate it means no one else will benifit.Rheghead we dont want to wrap them in a bubble ,just to be a little less trusting.:(
Niavity will not save them from harm!!!
you are going to relax much more.
That last bit kinda says it all. I get the definite feeling that this thread has less about the nuts and bolts of bringing a child up into the real world but more to do with rubber stamping oneself that you have done the best job that you can, regardless of ones own limited experience of the real world. Even if the kid goes out and gets killed then at least you can convince yourself that your parenting skills are not to blame, worrying about it won't ensure a safe passage for your child. But how can a parent prepare ones child for the real world if they haven't been past the Ord themselves? Answer: Go past the Ord! It is a very British thing to do, sleep soundly inside ones castle knowing that the rabble is out there, it is our insular nature. But we all know that to experience life is to experience it.
But how can a parent prepare ones child for the real world if they haven't been past the Ord themselves? Answer: Go past the Ord! It is a very British thing to do, sleep soundly inside ones castle knowing that the rabble is out there, it is our insular nature. But we all know that to experience life is to experience it.
Rheghead you are so patronising sometimes [mad] . Being a good parent is not about geography!!! its about understanding the challenges that a young person faces when they go out into the world and equipping them with the confidence and knowledge and skills to enjoy that. You can do that from a born and bred in caithness stand point just as well as someone who thinks they are all knowing just cos they lived in other places. YOu can ask people you know to share their experiences and you can read and research some of the dangers. Its about your own awareness as a person.
That last bit kinda says it all. I get the definite feeling that this thread has less about the nuts and bolts of bringing a child up into the real world but more to do with rubber stamping oneself that you have done the best job that you can, regardless of ones own limited experience of the real world..
And whats wrong with wanting to do the best job you can? If your child went skating on ice and you had never ever told them about the dangers of skating on thin ice and htey fell in and drpowned wouldnt you kick yourself about that?
You cant live your child's life for them and you cant keep them in a bubble and actually being a good parent is about knowing that and letting them go. Its about letting them know the world is a scary place and everyone isnt as nice as all the people you know at home when everything is familiar. Its about making sure they are confident and secure and have strategies for dealing with difficult situations and you dont need to have lived in Moss Side or Toxteth to know that sort of stuff
its about understanding the challenges that a young person faces when they go out into the world and equipping them with the confidence and knowledge and skills to enjoy that.
Confidence comes from within, it is not a hat that someone can give/receive/wear.
Ok knowledge/education is one thing, drugs are bad, unprotected sex is unwise etc etc etc but those snippets of information are sometimes best learnt from the right authorities.
Skills? Nah, only by experience can one gain skills of life.
Not a lot to go on I'm afraid, you have built the big ship now launch it and see how it floats. If you don't want it to sink then don't launch it, or better, don't build one.
Confidence comes from within, it is not a hat that someone can give/receive/wear.
Encouragement can help build up confidence. Ridicule can take it away.
Ok knowledge/education is one thing, drugs are bad, unprotected sex is unwise etc etc etc but those snippets of information are sometimes best learnt from the right authorities.
Trust your child to the authorities? If children can learn from your mistakes and your experiences, then why not allow them to?
Skills? Nah, only by experience can one gain skills of life.
Not a lot to go on I'm afraid, you have built the big ship now launch it and see how it floats. If you don't want it to sink then don't launch it, or better, don't don't build one.
You forget countless hours of design and work go into building a ship and testing the design to destruction. So your analogy falls flat.
You forget countless hours of design and work go into building a ship and testing the design to destruction. So your analogy falls flat.
Or sinks? ;)
Confidence comes from within, it is not a hat that someone can give/receive/wear. .
You are wrong. Parents can influence the confidence and ability of their children for good or for bad. Parents can be responsible for their chid beleiving they can or cant do something through the way they bring that child up and to say they cant is wrong. By support and understanding you can give your chidl confidence to step out and try new things and have the confidence to fail and get on with it and try again. Children dont grow up in isolation.
. Skills? Nah, only by experience can one gain skills of life...
wrong again Im afraid rheghead. Although maybe only partially wrong. Skills CAN be learnt at home as children, through experience and with the help of parents. Skills in how to deal with people and handle difficult situatons can be learnt - the skills of avoiding an argument turning into a fight can be learnt in the home; skills in compromise and negotiation can be learnt in the home; temper management skills can be learnt in the home; skills in judging people and situations can be learnt from home.
Not a lot to go on I'm afraid, you have built the big ship now launch it and see how it floats. If you don't want it to sink then don't launch it, or better, don't build one.
Absolutely but you wouldnt set your boat in the water with a big hole in its bottom would you? You would know it would sink and thats the reason why we were having this discussion in the first place...:roll:
Encouragement can help build up confidence. Ridicule can take it away.
I agree but ridicule can stir a great determination to succeed and thus confidence can follow.
Trust your child to the authorities? If children can learn from your mistakes and your experiences, then why not allow them to?
Are you saying it is pointless for schools to have citizenship classes and drug awareness classes? Do you really think that teenagers will listen to their parents?
You forget countless hours of design and work go into building a ship and testing the design to destruction. So your analogy falls flat.
I know, I worked in the shipbuilding industry for 21 years and my analogy still holds true. Those countless hours of design are analogous to god's design/evolution and ~20 years of love and attention that the parent should give.
Do you really think that teenagers will listen to their parents?.
If hte parent listens to their teenager and doesnt ridicule them all the time then they just might
squidge, so what is the point of this thread? Cuddlepop hopefully has done her best, there is nowt else she can do, so what is the point in worrying? You can't keep them in a bubble all the time.
And that is what this thread is all about.
Do you think there is anything that other posters on this forum can offer her to prevent harm coming to her child?
<snip> Those countless hours of design are anologous to god's design/evolution and ~20 years of love and attention that the parent should give.
"anologous" 20 points for teaching me a new word! :D
The 20 years love and attention may provide suitable opportunities for a child to learn valuable lessons without having to face specific situations.
I don't have children myself however it certainly seems like a daunting yet rewarding responsibility.
You are wrong. Parents can influence the confidence and ability of their children for good or for bad.
Wrong squidge. Parents can only set the conditions right to allow child to have confidence. If their confidence is rocked by an outside influence like bullying, no amount of love and attention can give confidence.
wrong again Im afraid rheghead. Although maybe only partially wrong. Skills CAN be learnt at home as children, through experience and with the help of parents. Skills in how to deal with people and handle difficult situatons can be learnt - the skills of avoiding an argument turning into a fight can be learnt in the home; skills in compromise and negotiation can be learnt in the home; temper management skills can be learnt in the home; skills in judging people and situations can be learnt from home.
partially wrong squidge! How can kids gain skills to deal with situations to which they've never seen or experienced in the home and they are the ones that cuddle pop is most worried about. What you gonna do, role playing being the boozy lustful drunk who has a short fuse?:roll:
<snip>
Are you saying it is pointless for schools to have citizenship classes and drug awareness classes?
No, they have their place but I think the parents hold the main responsibility.
Do you really think that teenagers will listen to their parents?
<snip>
Some will, some won't. Doesn't mean that parents shouldn't try and instead leave it all up to the schools.
Dear me Rheghead - the thread has only just started and you are lost already? Are you not well?
ok here goes
Cuddlepop asked the following questions
What can we do to give them this inbuild instint city kids have?
How do we get the message across without terrifying them?
Your suggestions would be appreciated.
:confused:
]
Seems to me this isnt about keeping them in a bubble its about setting htem free to fly as strong and well as you can
If it was about keeping them in a bubble she might have asked something like " How can i stop my daughter from meeting the big bad people in the scary big bad world" and she didnt. In addition no one has said " shut the door and never let them cross the threshold until they are old and grey" People have made sensible and interesting solutions. Except for yourself when you basically said " go and live somewhere else" when you said [quote=rheghead] But how can a parent prepare ones child for the real world if they haven't been past the Ord themselves? Answer: Go past the Ord! [quote].
and i challenged that. I thought you were wrong to imply that you cant equip your children to be safe and secure if you never live anywhere except Caithness and i dont beleive that is true
Wrong squidge. Parents can only set the conditions right to allow child to have confidence. If their confidence is rocked by an outside influence like bullying, no amount of love and attention can give confidence.
But you can help your child develop skills and techniques to deal with those situations, you can demonstrate your support and commitment to your child and you can create an environment where your child feels safe to tell you when these things are going on. I would suggest as a once bullied child that the reaction of your parents is vitally important in how the bullying affects your life in the long term. I would suggest that some of the parents that have already posted about bullying affecting their children have clearly shown they are already doing all these things. None of them were throwing their hands in the air and sayoing "oh well thats that" were they?
partially wrong squidge! How can kids gain skills to deal with situations to which they've never seen or experienced in the home and they are the ones that cuddle pop is most worried about. What you gonna do, role playing being the boozy lustful drunk who has a short fuse?:roll:
Dont be ridiculous as if im ever a boozy lustful drunk with a short fuse[para]
Seriously though what you can do is make sure they know there are boozy lustful drunks, talk and laugh through your own experiences of this and openly discuss what the child would do if they were faced with the same situation. In addition dont hide things from your children - let them see some of the hard things in life -watch television with them and TALK about it - like the drugs programme. TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK.
You cant make them remember stuff but you can help them to see that these things happen and that the world isnt all sweetness and light and by doing this they can think about stuff. They will take what you say and maybe discuss it with their pals " guess what my mum told me last night" sort of thing or " you'll never guess what happened to my mum when she was a girl" as they all sit round in their room chattering.
wickerinca
24-Feb-06, 16:57
Think Saveman hit the nail on the head with his last comment about Parents not leaving it all up to the schools. (what is wrong with me that I am agreeing with these people)
It is important to talk to your kids. You have to give them attention and talk about issues that might affect them. You can't hide them from life but you must not terrify them either. Think that squidgeless has it right when she says that chatting around the dinner table is an effective way of discussing issues that they might face or that may be bothering them....and the personal anecdotes are always a great way to go..........although they will use it against you...usually by telling their granny about it....little brats[lol] [lol]
They will have hard knocks in life....just as we have had....but they will survive for the most part because of what has been instilled in them from their parents and the rest of the family circle. Sometimes bad things will happen to them ...and for the most part parents will blame themselves because it is human nature to have to blame something and if there is nothing else to focus your anger on then you have to turn on yourself. But as Rheghead says..we can only give them so much and the rest is up to them. I have brought up two boys who are now in the their twenties and they are good men. My parents were involved in their upbringing as the boys chose to return to Scotland to continue their schooling and I thank them for being there for my boys......but they still ran all their choices and decisions past me and their Dad....and we would talk for hours on the phone.
You, as a parent, have to be there for them and just wipe the tears off the harder knocks and let them go again.
Gosh.......I sound like Oprah or one of those other patronising know-alls!! I am off on my bike now.........I have been going for the last hour and a bit but I am really going to visit George now!
Blasted Org..far too addictive!!:roll:
Think Saveman hit the nail on the head with his last comment about Parents not leaving it all up to the schools. (what is wrong with me that I am agreeing with these people)
What do you mean "these people?" :D
cuddlepop
24-Feb-06, 18:21
i'm sorry i missed the debate Rheghead and Squidge.It seems to me that you both have different ideas has to how we handle parenting,which is fine.
What i want to be able to do is equipe my kids with as much info as i can possibly find on how to protect yourselve.Autistic kids dont recognise gut instinct ,this has to be learned.
This afternoon i spoke to the community saftey officer and the school who are in agreement some form of saftey training has to be carried out.They are in the process of finding someone to deliver self defence classes.That as a parent i cannot do but i will find out who can.
Even grown up kids are worried about by there elderly parents.That bond never goes.:confused
wickerinca
24-Feb-06, 19:54
What do you mean "these people?" :D
The 'ones' that often have different views to my own........I was not inferring that you are some kind of dual personality, it was just that I had agreed with fred on a different thread a wee while before agreeing with you!!:lol:
Being a good parent is not about geography!!! its
Don't be too sure about that. Any Rector/Head of a 'bad' school will tell you it is under achieving because of the catchment area.
cuddlepop
26-Feb-06, 11:15
Rheghead ,of course he's going to tell you that.He wont admit its because of his lack of leadership skills or his inability to install discipline in the school.
Some of the most deprived schools with special measures placed on them are turned around with good leadership.
Just last:eyes year there was a drama on the telly with one very said school.Cant remember name but Julie Walters played the head and it was a true story.
You canna make a silk purse out of an old pigs ear.:lol:
Bingobabe
27-Feb-06, 02:20
[quote=Rheghead]Wrong squidge. Parents can only set the conditions right to allow child to have confidence. If their confidence is rocked by an outside influence like bullying, no amount of love and attention can give confidence.
I dont belive this to be true i was badly bullied all the way through school and belive if it wasnt for my mother teaching me to always stand up for myself i wouldnt be the person i am today.And if it wasnt for my father praiseing me in things i did well i wouldnt have the confidence i have now so i am very grateful for everything they have taught me and keep teaching me ;) although i am an adult now i value their opions and respect them
Rheghead, how did humans ever manage to spread all over the World when we sould still be pondering how to leave Africa?
Why does every generation not have to re-invent the wheel?
Unless it's because of some inbuilt instinct we haven't learned about next.
Cuddlepop, you are absolutely right to try and give your children some sort of preparation for Urban-life. It's a completely different would to the Highlands.
Children here have a whole different set of skills to city children. Where I lived there was an "Inner-city Farm" so children could see such rare species as horses, cows and sheep. (And if anybody thinks I'm exaggerating I can give you directions to it)
You have enough sense to realise they need some sort of preparation for the sudden change in skills they will require. As with animals, the predators will look for the weakest in the herd, they will look for the easy target.
Just saying that they will learn everything for themselves is unfair to them especially when advice is available.
I certainly wouldn't like to experience what it's like walking into a cage full of lions until I had taken long and detailed advice from the lion's Keeper. I would think that to do so would be ever so slightly foolish!
I dont belive this to be true i was badly bullied all the way through school and belive if it wasnt for my mother teaching me to always stand up for myself i wouldnt be the person i am today.
And no matter how much loving coaxing is given to get them to take a step back from the precipice, some kids still decide to jump...
It is not the parent/child relationship that maketh the child it is peer grouping that has the overiding influence.
landmarker
27-Feb-06, 17:52
I'm more with Rheghead on this one. <gasp/shock>
The world is not quite as wicked as the press and the telly would have us believe. There is a need for balance in all things, and this includes a balance of risk.
Being 'approached' by three young lads in a car does not mean they fancied a gang r*p*. Nor does it mean your lass should have jumped in and gone for a ride. Of course education is vital. To be forewarned os to be forearmed as they say, however, it is so easy to transmute a fear, which may even border on paranoia which will , possibly, reduce the quality of life so much that one believes there is no good good in anyone who is not a well known aquaintance. Err on the side of caution by all means , but not on the side of paranoia.
* - unpleasant word, especially in this context - (personalised) - so I bleeped it
Whitewater
27-Feb-06, 17:58
You can prepare your children all you want for this world, some will succeed others will find it harder. This success comes from within, and self confidence which has been built up from a very young age, you have to make them bold and responsible, but sometimes, no matter how well you have prepared them, things will go wrong, that is the most important time for you, when you have to pick up the pieces with love and understanding, and get them strong enough to face the world again.
landmarker
27-Feb-06, 18:08
You can prepare your children all you want for this world, some will succeed others will find it harder. This success comes from within, and self confidence which has been built up from a very young age, you have to make them bold and responsible, but sometimes, no matter how well you have prepared them, things will go wrong, that is the most important time for you, when you have to pick up the pieces with love and understanding, and get them strong enough to face the world again.
I think you underestimate the character ,potential and personality of THE CHILD themselves. Parents cannot make their children 'bold and responsible' they can steer, and guide but it is down to the individual.
Never overestimate the parental influence. You can do your best as a parent but you can never do it all.
Anyway how are you defining 'success'? avoiding being mugged or assaulted, or swindled. What do you mean by 'succeed' every life has it's pitfalls & regrets. They're all part of the pageant.
Surely 'success' can only mean living 'til one is about ninety in good health ! and everything else is entirely subjective.
how are you defining 'success'? avoiding being mugged or assaulted, or swindled. What do you mean by 'succeed' every life has it's pitfalls & regrets. They're all part of the pageant.
Thats a really good question Landmarker in fact - maybe its a new thread.........................................
landmarker
27-Feb-06, 18:16
Thats a really good question Landmarker in fact - maybe its a new thread.........................................
over to you then squidge - by the way there is much common sense in almost everything you write.
Respect.
cuddlepop
02-Mar-06, 15:25
Landmarker ,never a truer word spoken.Apparently now she informs me you cant trust anyone!!!!,everyone is sick and out to do horrible thinks.
This i know is not true.The media have a lot to answere for.Real news doesnt warent newspaper space because it doesnt sell,what does sell is shock and horror:confused:
We think one of these boys was Known to her through an olderfriends x boyfriend He had a hair cut and was driving a different car etc.
As she panicked ,she never found this out.So when he's next home i'll have to dig him out.:confused
Guilty until proven innocent springs to mind when anyone strange speaks to you .:eyes
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