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teddybear1873
23-Feb-06, 20:22
This is supposed to be the worlds funniest joke
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

What's the funniest joke you have heard...obviously it has to be clean

angela5
23-Feb-06, 20:31
[lol] ..i posted a clean joke once..it was removed:confused: so i'll keep away from posting more..i'll just enjoy everyone else's.

MGB1979
23-Feb-06, 20:34
The other day I phoned up Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and
crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.



A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

angela5
23-Feb-06, 20:37
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

[lol] [lol]

teddybear1873
23-Feb-06, 20:41
The other day I phoned up Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and
crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.



A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."
wonder if that joke will be removed lol....like it though hahahahaha

paris
23-Feb-06, 20:44
The other day I phoned up Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and
crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.



A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the
barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

Brill joke, must remember it ! paris x

star
23-Feb-06, 21:05
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius


An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Cedric Farthsbottom III
23-Feb-06, 22:24
Dog walks into a saloon bar with a bandaged foot.The saloon falls silent and all the cowboys look up from their drinks.

The dog looks at them all and says "I'm looking for the man who shot ma paw!"...........................sorry!!![para]

George Brims
23-Feb-06, 22:44
Keeping up the fart theme...

An elderly couple are in church. The man whispers in his wife's ear "I just let slip a big silent fart. What should I do?" She rummages in her bag and finds a pen, and writes in the flyleaf of his hymn book "The first thing you should do when we get home is change the battery in your hearing aid"

Cedric Farthsbottom III
23-Feb-06, 22:54
Another elderly couple were sitting at the breakfast table.the old woman turns to her man and says "Jack we're both 80 year old,but do you remember the younger days when we used to sit at the breakfast table in the nude."

"Aye Grace,I remember,they days.Do you want to try it"

So they both take off their clothes and sit there at the table.

Grace pipes up,"Here Jack I'm starting to feel a bit flushed,do ye think romance is in the air."

Jack replies,"Naw,don't worry Grace love,one of your boobs is in your coffee mug."

thickrodney
23-Feb-06, 22:57
Dog walks into a saloon bar with a bandaged foot.The saloon falls silent and all the cowboys look up from their drinks.

The dog looks at them all and says "I'm looking for the man who shot ma paw!"...........................sorry!!![para]

LOL LOL LOL

2little2late
23-Feb-06, 23:36
Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?

It was too tight.

fred
23-Feb-06, 23:37
There was an old bloke sat in the corner of the pub looking downright miserable so the landlord goes over and says "cheer up it might never happen".

"It already happened" said the bloke. "Come on" said the landlord "it can't be all that bad". "It can" says the bloke "and it is, I was out milking the cow this morning and I'd got a good bit in the bucket when she kicked and knocked it over". "That's not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke, "so she couldn't do it again I took a bit of baling string and tied her leg to the side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she kicked with her other leg and knocked it over again". "That's still not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I took another bit of baling string and tied the other leg to the other side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she swished her tail and knocked it over again. "Well that's still nothing to be so miserable about" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I'd no more baling string left so I took my belt off and used it to tie her tail to the rafter and just as my trousers fell down my wife walked into the byre".

angela5
23-Feb-06, 23:50
There was an old bloke sat in the corner of the pub looking downright miserable so the landlord goes over and says "cheer up it might never happen".

"It already happened" said the bloke. "Come on" said the landlord "it can't be all that bad". "It can" says the bloke "and it is, I was out milking the cow this morning and I'd got a good bit in the bucket when she kicked and knocked it over". "That's not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke, "so she couldn't do it again I took a bit of baling string and tied her leg to the side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she kicked with her other leg and knocked it over again". "That's still not so bad" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I took another bit of baling string and tied the other leg to the other side of the stall and I'd just got a good bit of milk in the bucket when she swished her tail and knocked it over again. "Well that's still nothing to be so miserable about" said the landlord "It's worse" said the bloke "I'd no more baling string left so I took my belt off and used it to tie her tail to the rafter and just as my trousers fell down my wife walked into the byre".

[lol] [lol] [lol]

Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Feb-06, 00:35
Two goldfish in a bowl which one is called Bob?

The one in the front.

Because the one in the back is saying,"Bob,Bob,Bob,Bob.........!":eyes

2little2late
24-Feb-06, 00:38
Two goldfish in a bowl which one is called Bob?

The one in the front.

Because the one in the back is saying,"Bob,Bob,Bob,Bob.........!":eyes

Two goldfish in a tank.
One says to the orher
"I hope you know how to drive this" [lol] [lol]

Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Feb-06, 00:45
Two goldfish in a tank.
One says to the orher
"I hope you know how to drive this" [lol] [lol]

Mum says to her son,"Don't ye think its time ye changed the water in that goldfish tank yet?"

The son says,"But Mum,they haven't drunk the last lot yet!!!!!!!!!"[para]

2little2late
24-Feb-06, 00:47
Bill and Ben the flower pot men were talking to each other.
Bill says "flobba lobba flob"
Ben says " are you drunk again?"

Cedric Farthsbottom III
24-Feb-06, 00:51
Bill and Ben the flower pot men were talking to each other.
Bill says "flobba lobba flob"
Ben says " are you drunk again?"

Bill and Ben the flower pot men were having a bath.

Bill went "flobba lobba flob"

Ben says "if you fart in the bath one more time I'm outta here!!!!!":roll:

2little2late
24-Feb-06, 00:52
Bill and Ben the flower pot men were having a bath.

Bill went "flobba lobba flob"

Ben says "if you fart in the bath one more time I'm outta here!!!!!":roll:

Brilliant. [lol] [lol]

Ann
24-Feb-06, 01:59
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman.

She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Dusty
24-Feb-06, 05:06
The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)
AD "You say you went up to your friends house that night. Why did you go there?"
Witness "Tae get a tap."
AD "Is your friend a plumber?"
Witness "Naw."
AD " Are you a plumber?"
Witness "Naw"

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.

AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"
Witness "Naw."
AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"
Witness "Naw."

In exasperation the AD says, " You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of tap was it?"

Witness "A Sellick tap."

squidge
24-Feb-06, 10:43
~Why does edward woodward have so many "d"s in his name?

If he didnt he would be E waa Woo Waa

You have to say it out loud but its FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

obiron
24-Feb-06, 15:19
~Why does edward woodward have so many "d"s in his name?

If he didnt he would be E waa Woo Waa

You have to say it out loud but its FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY



[lol] [lol] [lol] really funny

hoskins
24-Feb-06, 15:26
:lol: funny [lol] :lol:

teddybear1873
24-Feb-06, 18:47
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it..
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

scotsboy
24-Feb-06, 18:52
An Australian woman is lying in bed when her husband comes in with a sheep under his arm.
This is the pig I have been sleeping with when you are not around, he declares.
I think you will find that is a sheep you ignorant fool, replies the wife.
I wasn’t talking to you says the husband.

teddybear1873
24-Feb-06, 18:59
Q: Why did Jesus Christ cross the road?
A: Because he was nailed to the chicken.


A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

teddybear1873
24-Feb-06, 19:02
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual


A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for £1. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "Is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached".

angela5
24-Feb-06, 23:05
Keeping up the fart theme...

An elderly couple are in church. The man whispers in his wife's ear "I just let slip a big silent fart. What should I do?" She rummages in her bag and finds a pen, and writes in the flyleaf of his hymn book "The first thing you should do when we get home is change the battery in your hearing aid"

[lol] [lol] [lol] good one..

Cedric Farthsbottom III
25-Feb-06, 00:37
RSPCA walk into a fish and chip shop.They say to the owner,"Sorry mate,but we're goingto have to close you down."

"Why's that?",says the owner.

RSPCA say "Cos we hear ye have been battering your fish!!"..............boom,boom!!!

Cedric Farthsbottom III
25-Feb-06, 02:07
I have just remembered the most wonderful joke in the world.This is it.....now all you orgers.....brace yourselves this is the funniest joke that you have ever heard.You have heard many a witty jest in this thread,but this is the one.....Oh yes this is the one but watch out because I might get into trouble and be banned for many months as this joke is very,very DIRTY





















Joke the Coalman(told ye it was dirty!!!!!!):roll:

ice box
25-Feb-06, 02:20
I have just remembered the most wonderful joke in the world.This is it.....now all you orgers.....brace yourselves this is the funniest joke that you have ever heard.You have heard many a witty jest in this thread,but this is the one.....Oh yes this is the one but watch out because I might get into trouble and be banned for many months as this joke is very,very DIRTY





















Joke the Coalman(told ye it was dirty!!!!!!):roll:
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_5_103.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxmk121YYGB)cedric did u think that one your self lol

guitarzan
25-Feb-06, 06:44
why is a pea small and green?

because if it was big and red it would be a fire engine

what's red and invisible?

no tomatoes

elaine
25-Feb-06, 10:03
A pie walked into a bar and the barman says "sorry, we don't serve food here"

A half-eaten pie walks into a bar and barman says "sorry, I can't serve you, you're wasted"

A brain walks into a bar and the barman says "sorry, I can't serve you, you're out of your head"

A horse walks into a bar and barman says "Why the long face?"

A dyslexic walked into a bra.

A guy walks into a bar with his giraffe. He orders a pint for himself and a pint for his giraffe. The giraffe downs his pint and promptly collapses. The barman says "hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The guy says "no, it's a giraffe" geddit? heheh

An englishman, an irishman, a scotsman, a one-armed nun, a pirate, a pie and a brain walk into a bar and the barman says "What is this? some kind of joke??"

Bar jokes are the only ones I remember, I wonder why that is....

katarina
25-Feb-06, 13:25
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

angela5
25-Feb-06, 13:26
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."


Good one Katarina.....:lol:

connieb19
25-Feb-06, 13:31
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."is that a true story katarina...you should have put it on the most embarrasing thread...lol:lol:

katarina
25-Feb-06, 13:37
What did the blonde say after having multiple orgasms?

Well done, team.

Rheghead
25-Feb-06, 14:04
A guy walks into his local in the afternoon, orders a pint and starts to look very upset to the point of weeping into his beer. Concerned about this, the landlord asks the man what is wrong.

"My dog died today, he was sooo loyal and great company since my wife died, I am at a loss as to how I can remember him and how he was."

The landlord rather devilishly says "Why don't you dock the tail and hang it up in the pub, so whenever you come in for your pint, you will see the tail and you will never forget your faithful friend?

The man looks up happily and agrees to do this and walks out.

That evening, just as the customers were leaving, the man thanks the landlord for being so understanding about his grief as they both sit and admire the big fluffy tail which is hanging from one of the solid oaks beams.

All of a sudden, a ghostly four legged apparition walks through the pub and jumps up to the bar on 2 legs and speaks in a haunting, echoing voice...

"O Master! O Master! Can I have my tail back? I cannot go to doggy heaven without my tail!"

The landlord then angrily slams down the shutters on the doggy spectre's paws and shouts..." We do not retail spirits after 11 o'clock!!"
:grin:

mostlyharmless
25-Feb-06, 14:04
3 men stranded on a desert island, one day the first man is walking along the beach when he finds a lantern so he gives it a clean and out pops a genie.
I'm the genie of the lamp I'll grant you three wishes, wow thats great he said
and the other men gather round and they decide to have a wish each.

The first one says 'I really miss my family and friends at home can you send me back'.. poof he;s gone.
The second says 'I miss my wife so much and my dear children let me go back to see them'... poof he's gone.

The third man says ' Its such a desolate island and really lonely can I have my friends back........

A joke to think on ; What do you call a schizophrenic woman - Suzannne.

angela5
25-Feb-06, 15:11
I just can't resist..i know i said i wont post jokes..



What's the best thing about having sex with a taxi driver?

He's never in a hurry to get from A to B and he'll often take as long as he can..

angela5
25-Feb-06, 15:17
Life is all about asses...you're either covering your own,
laughing it off....
kicking it...........
kissing it...........
busting it..........
trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one!

angela5
25-Feb-06, 16:22
A woman complains to her friend how a simple act of politeness has led to her getting divorced.
'All i did was open the car door for him!' she moans.
'That's awful,' her friend agrees. 'what an ungrateful swine!'
'Tell me about it,' she says. 'Mind you, we were travelling at 70mph along the M25 at the time.'

angela5
25-Feb-06, 17:01
Two women were pushing their shopping trolleys around the supermarket when they collide into each other.
first women: 'I'm sorry about that. I was'nt paying attention to where i was going. I'm trying to find my husband, you see.'
second women:'That's quite all right-i happen to be looking for my husband too.'
first women:'oh well, if that's the case, maybe we could help each other. What does your husband look like?'
second women:'He's 6ft 2in, with broad shoulders, muscly arms, a flat stomach,dark hair and smouldering eyes. What does yours look like?'
first women:'It does'nt matter. Let's look for yours!'

erli
25-Feb-06, 17:04
Paddy buys himself a new bath, but goes back to the shop to complain.
He says, "whenever I fill it up, the water just runs out", the shop assistant says, "did you not buy a plug with it"? "och" says Paddy, "you didn't tell me that it was electric".

ice box
25-Feb-06, 18:08
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars.
During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce"
Watson says: " I see millions of stars and, even if a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth and if their are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent...."

ice box
25-Feb-06, 18:13
MALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Wind down your car window.

3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.

4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5) Wind up window.

6) Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.

3) Restart the stalled engine.

4) Wind down the window.

5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6) Turn the radio down.

7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.

8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.

9) Insert card.

10) Re-insert card the right way up.

11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12) Enter PIN

13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN

14) Enter amount of cash required.

15) Check make up in rear view mirror.

16) Retrieve cash and receipt.

17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19) Recheck make up again.

20) Drive forward 2 meters.

21) Reverse back to cash machine.

22) Retrieve card

23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.

24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.

25) Drive for 2-3 miles.

26) Release handbrake.

angela5
25-Feb-06, 18:14
MALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Wind down your car window.

3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.

4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5) Wind up window.

6) Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE.


1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.

3) Restart the stalled engine.

4) Wind down the window.

5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6) Turn the radio down.

7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.

8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.

9) Insert card.

10) Re-insert card the right way up.

11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12) Enter PIN

13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN

14) Enter amount of cash required.

15) Check make up in rear view mirror.

16) Retrieve cash and receipt.

17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19) Recheck make up again.

20) Drive forward 2 meters.

21) Reverse back to cash machine.

22) Retrieve card

23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.

24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.

25) Drive for 2-3 miles.

26) Release handbrake.


good one icebox...[lol] [lol]

krieve
25-Feb-06, 18:18
good one icebox lol

ice box
25-Feb-06, 18:35
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked, Bring food.

angela5
25-Feb-06, 18:50
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked, Bring food.



http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_38.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxmk121YYGB)lol...ain't that so true

katarina
25-Feb-06, 21:48
Two women arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. As they are waiting for St Peter to open up, they strike up a conversation.
1st woman; How did you die?
2nd woman; I froze to death. you?
1st woman; Well, i thought my husband was having an afair, so i came home early one day sure i was going to catch the tart in my house. Sure enough, he was struggling into his clothes looking guilty. I ran up the stairs - she wasn't there. I searched all the cupboards - she wasn't there; I ran to the attic, she wasn't there. I ran to the cellar, she wasn't there. I ran to the garage, she wasn't there. All that running was too much for me - I took a heart attack and keeled over.
2nd woman; you should have looked in the fridge - then maybe you would still be alive.
Boom boom.

Did you hear about the man whyo was still making love at 98?
Mind you he lived at 72.....
boom boom.

angela5
26-Feb-06, 01:26
Why is it very rare that a woman will make a fool out of a man?

Most of them can do it for themselves.

2little2late
26-Feb-06, 01:28
Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?

They sell more tickets.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
26-Feb-06, 01:45
Guy walks into the opticians and says"Mr Optician these glasses are not very good that ye gave me.I cannae see a thing."

The lassie says,"Aye you're not right there Mister,this is Christies the 99p shop!!!!!!"

girnigoe
26-Feb-06, 02:00
Whilst walking down the road the other day my friend and I come across 6 burly men beating up my mother-in-law. Friend says to me.... "Are you not going to help"

My reply "Nah, six should be enough"!!!!!!! :lol:




BTW - Mother in law. I really do love you!! hahaha

ice box
26-Feb-06, 02:26
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxmk121YYGB)

thats a good one .

angela5
26-Feb-06, 02:30
Whilst walking down the road the other day my friend and I come across 6 burly men beating up my mother-in-law. Friend says to me.... "Are you not going to help"

My reply "Nah, six should be enough"!!!!!!! :lol:




BTW - Mother in law. I really do love you!! hahaha

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_20.giffunny..

Lassie
07-Mar-06, 22:47
nothing personal its the only clean jokes i know!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 blondes walk into a building, surely 1 of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
a blonde an a brunnette jump off a building, which one hits the floor first?
the brunnette, the blonde has to stop and ask directions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
a lady went and got her hair done at the hairdressers. as she was driving home she came across a farmer. she got out and said if i can guess how many sheep you have there can i keep 1? the farmer agrees. the lady goes u have 182 sheep! the farmer says well done and the lady chooses a sheep. she thanks the farmer and puts the sheep in the car. then the farmer turns round and says if i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my sheep back. the lady agrees and the farmer says she is a blonde. the blonde asks how he knew that and the farmer says well considering thats a dog not a sheep i think it's kinf of obvious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
how do you get 3 blondes to sink a submarine?
knock on the door!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde walks into into an electrical store and askes for the tv in the corner. the shop assistant says no we don't sell to blondes. the blonde was a bit mad so she went an got her hair dyed brown. she goes back to the shop and asks for the tv again but she got the same reply. She then pointed to her hair and said she was a brunnette but the shop assistant wouldn't sell the tv to her. she asked why the man wouldn't sell the tv to her so he explained it was a microwave not a tv.

Abdullah
07-Mar-06, 23:22
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

2little2late
07-Mar-06, 23:32
What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer doesn't complain about a 3 and a half inch floppy.

Abdullah
07-Mar-06, 23:34
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!

Cedric Farthsbottom III
07-Mar-06, 23:35
Abdullah,Saveman and 2little2late,have been stranded on a desert island for two months and their food supplies have finally withered down to one softie morning roll.

"I know,"says Saveman."We shall all go to sleep and whoever has the best dream can eat the softie."

They all agree and go to sleep.

Six hours later,they all wake up and the three of them start to discuss their dreams.

Abdullah says,"I dreamt I was surrounded by 10 zillion pounds and I spoiled masel' rotten."

Saveman says,"I dreamt I was surrounded by the world's 100 sexiest women and what a rare ter I had."

2little2late sheepingly says,"I dreamt the softie was going mouldy,so I got up and ate it"!!!!!!!!!!:lol: :lol:

connieb19
07-Mar-06, 23:37
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

connieb19
07-Mar-06, 23:39
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

The man siad "Well the month is up tonight".

angela5
07-Mar-06, 23:42
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

Abdullah
07-Mar-06, 23:45
Termite walks into the pub and asks, "is the bar tender here"?

angela5
07-Mar-06, 23:51
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em." The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

2little2late
07-Mar-06, 23:51
Blonde woman asks a man in the street,
"Could you tell me where the other side of the road is please?"
"Yes, I'ts over there" The man says pointing across the road.
"Thank you" says the blonde.

She walks across the road and asks a man,
"Excuse me, could you tell me where the other side of the road is please?"
"Yes, it's over there" says the man, pointing across the road.
"That's wierd", says the blonde, "I've just asked a man over there and he told me it was this side".

angela5
07-Mar-06, 23:54
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

angela5
07-Mar-06, 23:56
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
07-Mar-06, 23:57
Whats green and eats nuts?

A male squirrel who's missus has just ran off with the neighbourhood stud!!!!!:roll:

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:00
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:01
Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.

Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to the blonde in the cornfield: "Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right out there and give you a piece of my mind!"

Cedric Farthsbottom III
08-Mar-06, 00:03
How do you know when a blonde has made a mistake in typing out a post on Caithness.org?

Tippex on the computer screen!!!!:grin:

2little2late
08-Mar-06, 00:04
Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.

Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to the blonde in the cornfield: "Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right out there and give you a piece of my mind!"

I'm not being rude here but as this is directed at the male you don't happen to be blonde do you?

2little2late
08-Mar-06, 00:05
How do you know when a blonde has made a mistake in typing out a post on Caithness.org?

Tippex on the computer screen!!!!:grin:

Brilliant Cedric. [lol] [lol]

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:09
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...

"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:09
How do you know when a blonde has made a mistake in typing out a post on Caithness.org?

Tippex on the computer screen!!!!:grin:



[lol] [lol] Hee....hee....good one...

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:10
I'm not being rude here but as this is directed at the male you don't happen to be blonde do you?

Be as rude as you like....:o)

Cedric Farthsbottom III
08-Mar-06, 00:14
Be as rude as you like....:o)

Whats the difference between an orange and an elephants bottom!!!!!!!Heeeeeee-heeee-heeee-heeeeee!!!!!:lol: :lol: :lol:

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:17
Whats the difference between an orange and an elephants bottom!!!!!!!Heeeeeee-heeee-heeee-heeeeee!!!!!:lol: :lol: :lol:


Cedric.....are you asking me to post the reply....[lol] hee..hee

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:17
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ''Vietnam, 1969.'' The other points his thumb behind him and says, ''Dog poo, 20 feet back.''[lol]

2little2late
08-Mar-06, 00:18
Q. What's the difference between an egg and a bit of that?

A. You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a bit of that.

2little2late
08-Mar-06, 00:20
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ''Vietnam, 1969.'' The other points his thumb behind him and says, ''Dog poo, 20 feet back.''[lol]

Heard this one before, but it's still funny.

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:22
On the last day of nursery, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is — it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
''What is it?" "A puppy!"
[lol] [lol]

Cedric Farthsbottom III
08-Mar-06, 00:24
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ''Vietnam, 1969.'' The other points his thumb behind him and says, ''Dog poo, 20 feet back.''[lol]


hee-hee:lol: :lol: :lol:

Cedric Farthsbottom III
08-Mar-06, 00:25
Q. What's the difference between an egg and a bit of that?

A. You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a bit of that.

ye cannae"beat" an egg joke ma jokemeister...hee-hee:lol: :lol: :lol:

2little2late
08-Mar-06, 00:28
The teacher's pet had taken her a bag of currants into school for the last 6 months. About a week had passed when the teacher realised the boy wasn't bringing her currants. When she asked the boy why, he replied "My rabbit's dead"

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:28
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!''while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!'' The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, ''Cornelius.'' The robber said, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!'' The parrot said, ''The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!''


[lol] [lol]

2little2late
08-Mar-06, 00:29
What do you call two raisins having a relationship?
A currant affair.

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:29
The teacher's pet had taken her a bag of currants into school for the last 6 months. About a week had passed when the teacher realised the boy was bringing her currants. When she asked the boy why, he replied "My rabbit's dead"


[lol] [lol] good one.....

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:31
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:39
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?

A: I'm bacon!

Cedric Farthsbottom III
08-Mar-06, 00:49
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!''while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!'' The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, ''Cornelius.'' The robber said, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!'' The parrot said, ''The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!''


[lol] [lol]

A Guy walks into a pet shop and says,"This parrot ye just sold me is dead!!!!!".......oops sorry this is a different story!!!!!!!!

A Guy walks into a pet shop and says,"Have ye any interesting pets for sale?"

The pet shop owner says,"I have this parrot.If you pull the string on his right leg he sings'Roll out the barrel'.If you pull the string on his left leg he sings,"God save the Queen.'

The Guy says,"What happens when you pull both the strings?"

The parrot says,"I fall off ma perch ye silly fool!!!!!!":lol: :lol:

angela5
08-Mar-06, 00:55
A Guy walks into a pet shop and says,"This parrot ye just sold me is dead!!!!!".......oops sorry this is a different story!!!!!!!!

A Guy walks into a pet shop and says,"Have ye any interesting pets for sale?"

The pet shop owner says,"I have this parrot.If you pull the string on his right leg he sings'Roll out the barrel'.If you pull the string on his left leg he sings,"God save the Queen.'

The Guy says,"What happens when you pull both the strings?"

The parrot says,"I fall off ma perch ye silly fool!!!!!!":lol: :lol:

[lol] [lol] hee...hee...

Cedric Farthsbottom III
08-Mar-06, 01:10
Cedric.....are you asking me to post the reply....[lol] hee..hee

Naw!!!!

But I will...................

The answer is...........taste it and see(this is the posher answer):lol:

rich
09-Mar-06, 16:12
Guy goes to pub. Drinks 15 pints. Staggers out of pub. Falls over. Picks himself up. Lurches into traffic. SOmehow gets across road. Falls over again. Crawls a bit. Stands up. Reels around. Falls over. Crawls on his stomach.
Suddenly sights familiar door. Crawls towards it. Hauls himself up. Butts heads against door. Door opens. HOME!!!!
In the morning his wife says you were drunk last night.
"Who? ME! Never!!!"
His wife says" You were guttered. Pissed."
Guy says "I don't see how you can say that."
Wife says, "The pub called."
"So what?"
"YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR!"

krieve
10-Mar-06, 22:28
On a rural road a policeman pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Abdullah
10-Mar-06, 23:09
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

2little2late
10-Mar-06, 23:50
I bought a chicken curry takeaway tonight but the chicken was quite tough. I took it back to the chinky and told them,
"Excuse me, I bought this tonight and the chicken is rubbery"

"Thank you very much was the reply".

Cedric Farthsbottom III
11-Mar-06, 00:16
I bought a chicken curry takeaway tonight but the chicken was quite tough. I took it back to the chinky and told them,
"Excuse me, I bought this tonight and the chicken is rubbery"

"Thank you very much was the reply".

Hee-hee!!!!!:lol: :lol:

Oor Wullie was walking doon the street wi Fat Boab and they met an American tourist.

"Whats that?,says the American.

Oor Wullie says,"Thats a Loch".

The tourist says,"Oh in the States we have puddles bigger than that!"

The tourist then asks,"Whats that?"

Oor Wullie says,"thats a dog".

The tourist says,"In the States we have rats bigger than that."

The tourist says,"Whats that thing that old woman has there."

Oor Wullie says,"Thats a tattie."

The tourist says,"Thats not very big,we grow peas bigger that in the States."

Oor Wullie replies,"Aye,but here in Scotland we grow oor tatties to fit oor mouths.":lol: :lol:

2little2late
11-Mar-06, 00:24
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings but Walt Disney.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
11-Mar-06, 00:29
What did the grape say when it got run over?

Nothin'..................it just let oot a wee whine!!!!!! :grin:

2little2late
11-Mar-06, 00:33
Why did the rabbit cross the road?

Because it was the chickens day off.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
11-Mar-06, 00:38
The local optician walks into Wick High School and is looking lost.

The headmaster says,"Hello there,can I help you?"

The optician says,"I've just heard that one of your teachers is finding it hard to control one of his pupils!!!!!!":Razz

2little2late
11-Mar-06, 00:40
The local optician walks into Wick High School and is looking lost.

The headmaster says,"Hello there,can I help you?"

The optician says,"I've just heard that one of your teachers is finding it hard to control one of his pupils!!!!!!":Razz
Hee hee.... [lol] [lol]

2little2late
11-Mar-06, 00:43
This guy goes to he ice cream man and asks for a 99.
The ice cream man asks
"Would you like crushed nuts?"
The guy replies
"Would you like a punch on the nose?"

Cedric Farthsbottom III
11-Mar-06, 00:52
This guy goes to he ice cream man and asks for a 99.
The ice cream man asks
"Would you like crushed nuts?"
The guy replies
"Would you like a punch on the nose?"

Ye made me spill ma tinnie there jokemeister....hee...ho!!!!!!!!:lol: :lol:

The fire engine rushes by Bridge Street wi' the siren goin full blast.

The driver notices this wee boy running behind them and says to one o' his crew,"that wee guy has been following us from Sinclair Terrace do ye think we're going the wrong way."

So the driver stops and says,"What is it boygee?"

Wee Cedric says,"Aye big man,can ye gie us 20 pink flumps and a bottle o' Irn Bru!!!!!!":lol: :lol:

2little2late
11-Mar-06, 00:55
Ye made me spill ma tinnie there jokemeister....hee...ho!!!!!!!!:lol: :lol:

The fire engine rushes by Bridge Street wi' the siren goin full blast.

The driver notices this wee boy running behind them and says to one o' his crew,"that wee guy has been following us from Sinclair Terrace do ye think we're going the wrong way."

So the driver stops and says,"What is it boygee?"

Wee Cedric says,"Aye big man,can ye gie us 20 pink flumps and a bottle o' Irn Bru!!!!!!":lol: :lol:

Love these kind of jokes. They are brill.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
11-Mar-06, 01:06
Love these kind of jokes. They are brill.

Know wit ye mean pal.Even the auld one's are good.Cos even the one's that ye have heard before bring a chuckle to ye.Thats me though,because I can remember some good memories wi' a joke.

Folk say,"What were ye doin' when JFK got assassinated or when John Lennon was murdered.".....to be truthful I cannae remember.But I can tell ye that a pal o' mine Ian,told me the joke I PM'd ye wi' the other day there about the tampon!!!!!!:lol: :lol: :lol:

2little2late
11-Mar-06, 01:13
The wife came home the other day when I was packing her suitecase.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm packing your suitcase. I've won the lottery?" I replied.
"Where are we going?" she asked.
We're not going anywhere. You are now get lost!"

Cedric Farthsbottom III
11-Mar-06, 01:18
The wife came home the other day when I was packing her suitecase.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm packing your suitcase. I've won the lottery?" I replied.
"Where are we going?" she asked.
We're not going anywhere. You are now get lost!"

[lol] [lol]

Two weeks later,"The wife phones and says,so a fortnight its been and are ye any happier after your lottery win."

The guy says,"Oh I was only joking,but it worked!!!!!":lol: :lol:

Marty McFly
11-Mar-06, 14:28
A Caithness couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out after this particularly icy spell. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their flights.

The husband left and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address ~ and without noticing his error, he sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere else in Scotland...A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails, expecting more messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Date: Saturday, 11th March 2006



Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love,
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ...Sure is freaking hot down here!!

angela5
11-Mar-06, 18:04
[lol] [lol] hee...hee...good one Marty Mcfly..

angela5
11-Mar-06, 18:08
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."[lol]

krieve
11-Mar-06, 18:15
lol angela hee hee hee

Saveman
11-Mar-06, 18:18
A Caithness couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out after this particularly icy spell. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their flights.

The husband left and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address ~ and without noticing his error, he sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere else in Scotland...A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails, expecting more messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Date: Saturday, 11th March 2006



Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love,
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ...Sure is freaking hot down here!!



ROFL :lol:

angela5
12-Mar-06, 00:30
A man and wife rushed into a dentist's office. The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or numbing cream or anything because I'm in a terrible hurry.
http://cleanjokes.com/assets/images/Dentisthammer.gif“Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You're a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turned to her husband and said, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

Cedric Farthsbottom III
13-Mar-06, 00:06
Two caterpillars were sitting on a lettuce leaf contemplating life and having a rare wee blether.

Suddenly a beautiful butterfly flies over their head,does a loop the loop,a figure of 8 then flutters off.

Both caterpillars look at each other.One says,"Man ye would never get me up in one o' those." :roll:

Cedric Farthsbottom III
13-Mar-06, 00:14
Three cows are standing in a field just getting ready for going in for milking.

One of the cows says,"Where's Daisy the day?"

The second cow says,"I think she's on holiday."

"Aye she is on holiday,"says the third cow,"she told me at the weekend that she was going to have a wee calf!!!!!":lol:

krieve
13-Mar-06, 13:08
lol cedric farthsbottom good one

connieb19
13-Mar-06, 19:23
Three cows are standing in a field just getting ready for going in for milking.

One of the cows says,"Where's Daisy the day?"

The second cow says,"I think she's on holiday."

"Aye she is on holiday,"says the third cow,"she told me at the weekend that she was going to have a wee calf!!!!!":lol:Cedric...why have you changed your name?:confused:

star
13-Mar-06, 20:19
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with
delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.
I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts
of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 57 year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

angela5
13-Mar-06, 20:34
:lol: :lol: hee...hee...good one star.

Ashes
13-Mar-06, 21:17
History of Valentines day
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,"
she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad who do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she
says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the #####################." http://www.digitechg.co.uk/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

Cedric Farthsbottom III
13-Mar-06, 23:29
Cedric...why have you changed your name?:confused:

Its nothing sinister,just felt the rest o' my name was becoming a bit of a mouthful.Have been on the org. now for a wee while,so no need for surnames!!!!!!:lol: :lol:

ice box
13-Mar-06, 23:49
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual., "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

2little2late
14-Mar-06, 00:01
What do you call a blonde with a brain?

Gifted.

ice box
14-Mar-06, 00:02
What do you call a blonde with a brain?

Gifted.
nice one lol

Cedric Farthsbottom III
14-Mar-06, 00:08
What do ye call a blonde in Glasgow University?

The dinner lady who serves ma tatties

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:13
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

connieb19
14-Mar-06, 00:15
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/174.jpg

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:17
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:20
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
14-Mar-06, 00:22
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Hee-hee!!!:lol:

How do ye confuse a blonde?

Give her 2 bananas and say their a pair.

ice box
14-Mar-06, 00:25
A blonde dials 999 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 999 operator says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 999 operators telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:26
Hee-hee!!!:lol:

How do ye confuse a blonde?

Give her 2 bananas and say their a pair.

[lol] hee...hee...


What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?

Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:27
A blonde dials 999 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 999 operator says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 999 operators telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

:lol: :lol: :lol: hee...hee...

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:29
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?

Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

pultneytooner
14-Mar-06, 00:31
What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:34
How does a blonde spell farm?


E-I-E-I-O

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:36
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?


To avoid the draft.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
14-Mar-06, 00:36
What do ye call the birds who go into battle first?The Parrotroopers.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
14-Mar-06, 00:40
How does a blonde spell farm?


E-I-E-I-O

Nice one Angela.:lol: :lol:

A fly goes into a blondes head and suddenly becomes a Space Invader.

angela5
14-Mar-06, 00:45
How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eyes?


Put a flashlight in her ear.

angela5
14-Mar-06, 01:00
Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!

Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner. I sure don't know how chickens dress for dinner, but I found an old scarf and made a cute little pair of pants for it! I thought it looked darling! When Bill saw it he made a funny strangling sound and then counted very slowly to 10!

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!

Cedric Farthsbottom III
14-Mar-06, 01:05
Two guys are taking the mickey oot o' the blonde who works in their office.

One of the guys say,"Can ye pop down to Woolies and get us a tin of Tartan Paint?"

The blonde says,"No problem.",and disappears.

Both guys burst out laughing.Their left speechless,when the blonde returns with the tin o' Tartan Paint.

How did she manage to get it?:confused

katarina
14-Mar-06, 08:55
Two guys are taking the mickey oot o' the blonde who works in their office.

One of the guys say,"Can ye pop down to Woolies and get us a tin of Tartan Paint?"

The blonde says,"No problem.",and disappears.

Both guys burst out laughing.Their left speechless,when the blonde returns with the tin o' Tartan Paint.

How did she manage to get it?:confused

I give up.

grantyg
14-Mar-06, 09:19
Tart IN paint perhaps???

bigjjuk
14-Mar-06, 09:55
what do you call a fish with no eyes?????


a fsh:)

Saveman
14-Mar-06, 17:33
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, middle aged man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd:
"Hi my name is Brad, If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers:
"Sure. Why not?"
Brad parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Then he opens the digital photo in AdobE Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQ database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer and turns to the shepherd and says:
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says
the shepherd.
He watches as Brad selects one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to Brad:
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
Brad thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
That's correct," says Brad, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know squat about my business... Now give me back my dog."

krieve
14-Mar-06, 17:35
How does a blonde spell farm?


E-I-E-I-O


Lmao angela good one

Donnie
14-Mar-06, 18:44
Did you hear about the Scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field.



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a pub.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive.



Why is milk really fast?
Because it's pasteurised before you see it.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
14-Mar-06, 23:28
I give up.

Sorry Katrina for leaving ye in the lurch.Mind ye Grantyg's answer IS better!!!:lol:

The blonde went into Woolies and asked for Tartan Paint.

The Woolies staff were laughing and thinking 'no again!!!!'.But after hearing her story,they thought they would get her revenge for her on her two workmates.

So they got a tin o' Woolies white gloss and put a Jimmy hat on it and made a wee kilt with a sporran to go around the tin.Voila.......Tartan Paint!!!!!!:lol: :lol:

2little2late
14-Mar-06, 23:31
I'm not saying it's cold in my bedroom but, when I woke up this morning there was an icecube in the bed, when it melted it went pphhhhrrrrrrttttt.

connieb19
14-Mar-06, 23:37
Q .. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A .. I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q .. Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A .. She lost the recipe.

Q .. How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A .. With a thought.

Q .. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A .. The noise gave her a headache.

Q .. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A .. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q .. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A .. Perri-air.

Q .. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A .. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q .. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A .. When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q .. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A .. She missed.

Q .. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A .. Data transfer.

angela5
14-Mar-06, 23:37
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

angela5
14-Mar-06, 23:57
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

ice box
15-Mar-06, 00:06
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

angela5
15-Mar-06, 00:09
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/nunin.jpg
Caithness.org gets more popular by the minute...[lol]

ice box
15-Mar-06, 00:11
nice one angela lol

angela5
15-Mar-06, 00:16
a challenging test for blondes.....

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/bltest.jpg

angela5
15-Mar-06, 00:25
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/2.jpg

Evolution.....[lol] [lol] [lol]

ice box
15-Mar-06, 00:32
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

krieve
15-Mar-06, 00:33
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and £1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the £1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

krieve
15-Mar-06, 00:34
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/2.jpg

Evolution.....[lol] [lol] [lol]
lol angela .......

ice box
15-Mar-06, 00:35
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

Cedric Farthsbottom III
15-Mar-06, 00:48
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/2.jpg

Evolution.....[lol] [lol] [lol]

Classic,absolute classic!!!!!!!I would have put in smilies,but I'm young in org. terms and not allowed to put any in.But don't worry angela yir post put a big smile on ma face!!!!!!!!

angela5
15-Mar-06, 00:50
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."


2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"


11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

krieve
15-Mar-06, 00:52
even the animals are in on it lolhttp://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f318/krieves/146.jpg

Cedric Farthsbottom III
15-Mar-06, 00:55
Hee-hee nice one again.My mother once taught me about Constipation.If at first ye don't succeed....try,try and try again!!!!!!

ice box
15-Mar-06, 00:58
even the animals are in on it lolhttp://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f318/krieves/146.jpg
cracking picture krieve

Cedric Farthsbottom III
15-Mar-06, 01:08
Steven Speilberg is making a new murder,mystery set in a convent.So he goes to his auld pal John Williams and says,"John ye wrote the classic Jaws music for me and it worked a treat.Could ye write some new suspense music for the climax of ma new convent movie."

"Nae problem,"says John."What about Nun-Nun-Nun-Nun-Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!!":lol: :lol:

plasticjock
15-Mar-06, 12:18
Woman walks into a pub and the barman asks her what would she like. She asks for a double-entendre…so he gave her one.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but bimbo’s and football players there." "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."
The boy replied, "No ############!? Who does she play for?"

This chappie living in a big, isolated house in the country is woken up in the early hours by someone knocking loudly on his door. He reluctantly gets out of bed and goes downstairs in his dressing gown as the knocking gets louder and more frantic.
"All right, all right, I'm coming" he shouts, as he opens the door.
There's a bloke stood there who says "I'm sorry to trouble you, but could you give me a push to get me started?" "What, at this hour? It's three o'clock in the bloody morning!" he tells him.
"I know", says the bloke, "but yours was the only house around here and I couldn't ask anyone else.
"Oh, alright", says the chappie, stepping outside grumpily. "I'll give you a push....Bloody hell, it's dark out here. Where are you?"
And the bloke answers "I'm over here…on the swing."

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front shouts, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man shouts, "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"
By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.
"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.
Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:
<wait for it, wait for it!>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..."


A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, eats it. Walks to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, eats it. Monkey hops up on the pool table, picks up the cue ball, looks at it, eats it.
The bartender says, "Hey, your monkey just ate my cue ball!"
The guy says, "Oh yeah, he's always eating stuff. Here's some money, go buy yourself a new one."
A week later, same bar, same guy, same monkey. Guy sits at the bar, orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender thinks "Hey, that's pretty crude!"
Monkey goes to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender says, "Yo, Pal, what's with the monkey?"
The guy says, "Oh, yeah, he had so much trouble passing that cue ball, now he sizes everything before he eats it."


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we’ve never had a talking duck in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
………..so the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the Ringmaster, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr errr…Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused. "What would they want with a plasterer?"


Why Men Are Just Happier People!:
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
1: Your last name stays put.
2: The garage is all yours.
3: Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4: Chocolate is just another snack.
5: You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
6: You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7: Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8: The world is your urinal.
9: You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
10: Same work, more pay.
11: Wrinkles add character.
12: Wedding dress - £1000; suit rental - £100.
13: People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
14: The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15: New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16: Only mood, ALL the time.
17: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18: You know stuff about tanks.
19: A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
20: You can open all your own jars.
21: You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22: If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
23: Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
24: Everything on your face stays its original colour.
25: Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26: You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
27: You almost never have strap problems in public.
28: You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
29: The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
30: You don't have to shave bellow your neck.
31: Your belly usually hides your big hips.
32: One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
33: You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
34: You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

willowbankbear
15-Mar-06, 14:02
Hee-hee nice one again.My mother once taught me about Constipation.If at first ye don't succeed....try,try and try again!!!!!!

Succeed!! thats what birds do:p

willowbankbear
15-Mar-06, 14:07
Woman walks into a pub and the barman asks her what would she like. She asks for a double-entendre…so he gave her one.

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front shouts, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man shouts, "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"
By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.
"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.
Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:
<wait for it, wait for it!>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..."


A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, eats it. Walks to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, eats it. Monkey hops up on the pool table, picks up the cue ball, looks at it, eats it.
The bartender says, "Hey, your monkey just ate my cue ball!"
The guy says, "Oh yeah, he's always eating stuff. Here's some money, go buy yourself a new one."
A week later, same bar, same guy, same monkey. Guy sits at the bar, orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender thinks "Hey, that's pretty crude!"
Monkey goes to the other end of the bar, picks up a pistacchio nut, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.
The bartender says, "Yo, Pal, what's with the monkey?"
The guy says, "Oh, yeah, he had so much trouble passing that cue ball, now he sizes everything before he eats it."


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we’ve never had a talking duck in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
………..so the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the Ringmaster, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr errr…Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused. "What would they want with a plasterer?"


Why Men Are Just Happier People!:
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
1: Your last name stays put.
2: The garage is all yours.
3: Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4: Chocolate is just another snack.
5: You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
6: You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7: Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8: The world is your urinal.
9: You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
10: Same work, more pay.
11: Wrinkles add character.
12: Wedding dress - £1000; suit rental - £100.
13: People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
14: The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15: New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16: Only mood, ALL the time.
17: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18: You know stuff about tanks.
19: A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
20: You can open all your own jars.
21: You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22: If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
23: Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
24: Everything on your face stays its original colour.
25: Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26: You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
27: You almost never have strap problems in public.
28: You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
29: The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
30: You don't have to shave bellow your neck.
31: Your belly usually hides your big hips.
32: One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
33: You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
34: You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Bonnie & Funny ROFL

Whitewater
15-Mar-06, 15:29
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>

Whitewater
15-Mar-06, 15:34
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 16:57
Structured Settlements.

A man lived in his Structured Settlement in front of a cementary.
After 100 years, he lived in front of his home (Structured Settlement).

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 16:59
Q :How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?.
A #1: Fifty four: Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb - to his.
A #3: How many can you afford?.
A #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:02
A Real Watch Dog http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:04
Ducks and Elephants http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:05
Not Going To Try This Again http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:07
Carrots http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:09
Another Dumb Blonde http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:11
Actual School Excuse Notes http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:15
Just Keep Drinking! http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”
The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I''ve got.”
The bartender says, “What''ve you got?” The guy says, “75 cents.”

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:17
First Grade Proverbs http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:19
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:21
Comfortable http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:23
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:24
Who Let The Blondes Out? http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

hoskins
15-Mar-06, 17:25
Lipstick at School http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

ice box
15-Mar-06, 18:35
nice one hoskins lol

ice box
16-Mar-06, 01:16
[quote=plasticjock]
iam in tears lmao

Cedric Farthsbottom III
16-Mar-06, 01:21
nice one hoskins lol

Aye on yourself Hoskins.I've always thought this was a good thread for jokes....maybe they will publish us one day and all us orgers will get a cut.But we'll no do it through paypal.:lol: :lol:

A wee squirrell is skipping through Caithness and suddenly comes across a barbed wire fence.

So he takes a few good steps back and takes a run for it...jumps for all his worth over the fence and

............................RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIPPPPP PPPPPP!!!!!!!

Lands doon on the other side o' the fence and says......."Oh......nuts!!!!!!!"

krieve
16-Mar-06, 01:26
lmao funny cedric

ice box
16-Mar-06, 01:30
Hot Day

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

krieve
16-Mar-06, 01:32
rotfpml ice box

Cedric Farthsbottom III
16-Mar-06, 01:34
Hee-hee:lol: :lol: Nice one ice-box

Goodnight All!!!!

ice box
16-Mar-06, 01:55
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e260/spicesices/3280.jpg

plasticjock
16-Mar-06, 15:05
How To Tell If You Are from Society’s Dregs:

Your Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
You wonder how service stations keep their bogs so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The book value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it..
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a really bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every sentence out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with four-letter words. Patiently, John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, after a week of this, John was so fed up he screamed at the parrot. The parrot yelled back even ruder. John, in increasing desperation, grabbed the bird out of the cage and threw him in the freezer and slammed the lid shut. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, screamed and swore.………..then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he may have hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the lid of the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and looking John in the eye said, "Sir, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to curb my uncouth and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had brought about such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued in a quiet voice, "May I ask what the turkey did, sir?"


2 Jockeys racing for the line in the National, suddenly as they are about to cross the finish line one of them chucks a packet of Jaffa cakes at the other followed by some shortbread fingers, a box of Paxo, some of those sugary jelly fruits, a tin of pears, a 6kg tin of Quality Street and fifty quid in Iceland vouchers, The jockey who caught all the items finished second, but was declared the winner after a Steward’s Enquiry agreed he’d been hampered


Fella making love to his missus and he’s been at it for quite a while. His missus asks him what’s taking him so long and he replies, “I can’t think of anyone”


Woman can’t get laid. Hasn’t had sex for at least 5 years. Smart businesswoman, runs her own company, successful, dresses nice, lots of socialising…..but can’t get a man to come home with her. So she goes to the doctor and explains all this and how it is affecting her business, how she deals with people, her employees, her clients, how depressed she’s getting…and how frustrated she is.
Her doctor explains that he’s not really au fait with these kind of problems but that he can recommend a Chinese doctor friend of his who specialises in diagnosing these sorts of issues. She agrees to see him and he give her a letter of introduction.
She makes an appointment with the Chinese doctor and goes to see him. When he finishes reading the letter he looks up at her and says, “Take off croze, prease” So she strip down. He then says, “Okay, get down on hans-knees and craw’ towar’ door!”
So she crawls to the door, thinking this is most strange. “Okay, turn round and craw’ back preaze!” says doctor.
When she ges back to desk the doctor says,”Okay, stan’up. You have a-most a-serious probrem. You hav’ Exaggery Disease!”
“Oh my god……err…I’ve never heard of it, what is it?”, she asks.
The doctor looks her straight in the eye and bellows,”It’s when yo’ face look exaggery like yo’ arse!”



A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to gasp.
"Tell him?...tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


What's a foot long and slippery?
A Slipper


There are two cows in a field.
The first cow says to the second, “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?”
The second cow says, “Of course not, I'm a duck”


What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your undies.
Your mum on washing day


A bloke walks into the dentist surgery and says 'I think I'm a moth'.
The dentist says “Well, why did you come to the dentist? You should see a psychiatrist shouldn't you?”
The bloke replies, “Well...your light was on”.


Fella walks into the doctors and says, “Doc, I have a lettuce growing out of my bum”
The doctor says,”That could just be the tip of the iceberg.......”


What’s pink and hard?…….A pig with a flick knife.

krieve
16-Mar-06, 16:58
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e260/spicesices/3280.jpg
lol funny one icebox

hoskins
16-Mar-06, 21:30
Our Four Sons http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million pound home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million pound home.”

hoskins
16-Mar-06, 21:32
Little Johnny Stands Up http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif

hoskins
16-Mar-06, 21:33
Brunette Meets Genie http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

hoskins
16-Mar-06, 21:36
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

willowbankbear
16-Mar-06, 21:47
Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast that they can now take photos of Women with their gobs SHUT[lol]

2little2late
16-Mar-06, 21:50
Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast that they can now take photos of Women with their gobs SHUT[lol]

Classic. Brilliant. [lol] [lol]

willowbankbear
16-Mar-06, 21:57
Classic. Brilliant. [lol] [lol]

Thanks:grin:

Cedric Farthsbottom III
16-Mar-06, 21:58
Little Johnny Stands Up http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif

Good one hoskins!!!:lol: The fart one's a stonker too!!!!!:lol:

Cedric Farthsbottom III
16-Mar-06, 22:20
North Tonight team go up to a farmer and say,"Some local residents have told us that your animals can speak."

"aye be true,"the farmer replies.

So the North Tonight reporter goes to a field and says"Who are ye?"

"Heellllloooo,I'm Daisy the cow,back fae a wee calf,and I give the farmer milk."

Reporter goes to the farmyard and says,"Who are ye?"

"Heeelllllloooo I'm Clara the chicken and I give the farmer eggs."

Reporter turns around a corner and says "Who are ye?"

"Heeellllllloooo I'm Percy the pig and I give the farmer bacon."

The Reporter is heading towards another field.The farmer's face goes white and starts running up ahead,reaches the field and says,"Sally the sheep if you say anything yer deid!!!!!!":lol: