grantyg
19-Feb-06, 11:41
Sorry if you have seen these before.....................
Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose!
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men!
Q What are the three fastest means of communication?
A: 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman
Q: What should you give a woman who has everything?
A: A man to show her how to work it!
Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!
Q: What do you call a cow with only its two right legs?
A: Lean beef!
Q: What do you call a cow eating a Polo?
A: Mints beef!
Q: What do you call a cow with a corn on its foot?
A: Corn beef!
Q: What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
A: One is Mad Cow Disease; the other is a big problem for farmers!
Q: Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary?
A: Aparrently it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs!
Q: Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
A: In Iraq!
Q: Why did the chicken go to a seance?
A: To get to the other side!
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a checktablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said"You're closest".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make acomplaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those arepickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me witha red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "WaiterI asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?"
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisancecaller", he said "Not you again".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying topull a fast one".
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two cows in a field:"Are you worried about that Mad Cow Disease?""Why should I be worried? I'm a chicken."
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news.""Give me the good news first.""They're going to name a disease after you."
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck.""How long have you been having these Disney spells?"
Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order."Is that the usual?", the man asked."Yes, deep pan, crisp and even"
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Doesthis taste funny to you?'
Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doctor says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said"My dog's died."
Man walks into a bookshop, picks up two books and goes to the counter.He cuts the bottom off one trouser leg and hands it to the assistantsaying, "There's a turn-up for the books."
I went to the psychiatrist, I said, "I keep dreaming I'm a wigwam andI turn into a tepee." The doctor says, "You're too tents."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
How do you know if you are staying in a second rate hotel? If you call the desk clerk to report that you gotta leak in your sink and he replies by telling you that it's okay but rinse it out when you're done!
Since light travels faster than sound,people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
A bloke went to an Indian restaurant, and said, "Can I have a ChickenTarka, please?" "You mean a Chicken Tikka!" said the waiter. "No, aTarka. It's like a tikka, but a little 'otter."
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that asa condiment".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying topack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple ofseconds later they come alight again, well the other day there wasa fire at the factory that makes them.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said "Do you get my drift?".
The guy who wrote the hokey Cokey died the other day - they had real problems when they tried to put him in the coffin they put his left leg in........
Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose!
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men!
Q What are the three fastest means of communication?
A: 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman
Q: What should you give a woman who has everything?
A: A man to show her how to work it!
Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!
Q: What do you call a cow with only its two right legs?
A: Lean beef!
Q: What do you call a cow eating a Polo?
A: Mints beef!
Q: What do you call a cow with a corn on its foot?
A: Corn beef!
Q: What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
A: One is Mad Cow Disease; the other is a big problem for farmers!
Q: Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary?
A: Aparrently it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs!
Q: Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
A: In Iraq!
Q: Why did the chicken go to a seance?
A: To get to the other side!
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a checktablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said"You're closest".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make acomplaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those arepickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me witha red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "WaiterI asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?"
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisancecaller", he said "Not you again".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying topull a fast one".
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two cows in a field:"Are you worried about that Mad Cow Disease?""Why should I be worried? I'm a chicken."
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news.""Give me the good news first.""They're going to name a disease after you."
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck.""How long have you been having these Disney spells?"
Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order."Is that the usual?", the man asked."Yes, deep pan, crisp and even"
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Doesthis taste funny to you?'
Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doctor says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said"My dog's died."
Man walks into a bookshop, picks up two books and goes to the counter.He cuts the bottom off one trouser leg and hands it to the assistantsaying, "There's a turn-up for the books."
I went to the psychiatrist, I said, "I keep dreaming I'm a wigwam andI turn into a tepee." The doctor says, "You're too tents."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
How do you know if you are staying in a second rate hotel? If you call the desk clerk to report that you gotta leak in your sink and he replies by telling you that it's okay but rinse it out when you're done!
Since light travels faster than sound,people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
A bloke went to an Indian restaurant, and said, "Can I have a ChickenTarka, please?" "You mean a Chicken Tikka!" said the waiter. "No, aTarka. It's like a tikka, but a little 'otter."
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that asa condiment".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying topack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple ofseconds later they come alight again, well the other day there wasa fire at the factory that makes them.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said "Do you get my drift?".
The guy who wrote the hokey Cokey died the other day - they had real problems when they tried to put him in the coffin they put his left leg in........