View Full Version : Caithness Crack
highlander
26-Sep-08, 09:58
I have been reading this book and am splitting my sides laughing here, heres a few stories
Round the corner of the cottage came a hen running at full speed; close behind, with passionate intent, came a cockerel, spotting a pile of oats he suddenly stopped and began to feed. One crony wheeled to the other and exclaimed, "Boy, Cheordie, ah'll bet ye've never been as howngry as that!"
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A visitor from the south was being driven from Helmsdale station to a croft on the Causeymire.In the middle of the moor he turned to the driver and said, "Do they have sanitation here?"
"Aye, miles o' it!" replied the driver with a wide sweep of his hand.
Late one saturday evening a very drunk man was crawling up the steps to his front door when he slipped sideways, muttering to himself; "Hell! If i broke an arm now, I'd be legless"
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During a lesson on words a Wick teacher asked her class for the meaning of manifestation.
"please miss, a railway porter"
"how on earth do you get that"
"well you said mannie fae 'e station."
Hecks Highlander - I am sooooooo glad I am in here myself - nearly cryin laughin at "manifestation"! [lol]
highlander
26-Sep-08, 10:35
And there's more......
Maggie who had recently ' gone on the pension' called in at the post office and signed her book with one of these unreliable new-fangled ball-point pens. The assistant could hardly see the writing and asked if she would go over it again and put her weight on it. Maggie duly obliged and returned to the counter with her book. On it was written "Margaret Mackay, 14 stones."
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While shopping in Wick a Bower man, with the reputation of being rather close-fisted was asked to contribute to the R.N.L.I.
"Mercy, lassie, what would we be doin' wi a lifeboat in Bower?
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When her man died an old wifie in Lybster went to the undertakers to discuss the quality of the coffin and its trappings.
"Would you like silk or flannelette in the lining?"
"Flannelette. It'll keep him warmer!"
A TV "personality" who visited one of our hotels felt that the waitress was not paying him enough attention. He rounded sharply on her and said.
"Dont you know who i am?"
"No! Bit I'll try and find oot!"
(so, so caithnessian lol)
highlander you must tell me what this book is as it sounds brilliant, like the one about the mannie from bower and the lifeboat. either that or you will have to put more extracts on here, to keep me amused.
More, more, more..........................[lol]
Highlander, where did you get this book? It's brilliant. :lol: It sounds ideal for grandpa's birthday.
Mr P Cannop
26-Sep-08, 16:48
who else has this book ??
highlander
26-Sep-08, 18:05
The book is Caithness Crack by Donald Omand. I got it years ago
A Wick butcher, who was a well-known leg-puller, was asked one day by a wifie in his packed shop if he had a tip for the Derby race.
"yes."
He then wrote "HOOF HEARTED" on a piece of paper. The wifie scrutinised the note, read it aloud, and left red-faced!!!!!
(hehehe i had to read it aloud a few times afore i got it) lol
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In south-east Caithness a haircut was frequently called a "poll". When news of the proposed "Poll-tax" was broken to a Latheron pensioner, he exclaimed, "It'll no affect me, ah'm bald."
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In the middle of a boring cocktail party, a fellow broke wind, much to the embarrassment of his wife who dug him in the ribs and exclaimed.
"I didn't think much of that!"
"Hivvens, wumman, it was the best i could do"
There are various copies of this book on the shelves of the local libraries under the Reference 829.914
AuthorOmand, Donald, 1936-TitleCaithness crack / by Donald Omand. PublisherWick : North of Scotland Newspapers, c1991
Buttercup
26-Sep-08, 19:01
Thanks for reminding me of this gem Highlander. Must rake it oot and have another read. There's some real crackers in it. :lol:
highlander
27-Sep-08, 10:16
Two cheils had been out fishing all day and returned late in the evening with no fishand too much drink. Being in jovial mood Robertie asked Sannag if he'd like to come in for his supper.
"Bit hang on a meenad and ah'll check wi hersel........."
After a muttered altercation inside Robertie popped out and said.
".......Sannag! D'ye lek second day's broth?"
"Aye, 'a lek 'at fine."
"Weel, come back the morn!"
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Jaimsie, an innoffensive retired railwayman was not too happy about his wife taking in lodgers. Time justified his forebodings and it became increasing apparent that his spouse concentrated her energies on her guests. Totally exasperated, Jaimsie exclaimed,
"Ah'm no playan second fiddle till other men."
"Second fiddle! Yer lucky yer in the band!"
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An old crofter and wife were returning from Thurso with a sack of flour and a bottle of whisky, which they soon demolished. The wife, cheered by the dram, started tapping her feet vigorously and in doing so burst the bag of flour, which soon escaped in the strong wind.
"John, what an awful day it's turned; it's blin' drift now."
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A young boy attending his first funeral in Wick saw the letters R.I.P on a tombstone.
"What does that mean?"
"Reared in Pulteney."
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A mother received a not from the school optician to say that her son had "astigmatism" which would require attention.
In reply the mother wrote;
"I have no idea what my son did, but i gave him a good hammering"
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Brilliant, some absolute belters in there, i did a google search for the book but it only brought me to this thread :(
Sheer class gave me a wee chortle!
heres one:
There was 2 guys who each claimed had the fastest whippet.
To find out whos really was the fastest they decided to tie a dog to the back of his trusty 3 wheeler and he would accelerate until the dog could go no more that way they would know who had the fastest dug.
The first guy attached his dog and the car took off 10.......20........30 stop shouted the first guy "thats fast enough you'll no beat at".
So the other guy attached his dog. 10......20.......30.......40......50 Stop shouted his passenger "the dogs all over the road going side to side you'll kill him!"
"Not at all "he replied "he's all over the road because he's looking to see if its safe to overtake!!!!!!!!" :)
they are brilliant, think i willbe going to jim bews on friday when i get paid to see if i can get my hands on this book, sheer genius.
highlander
28-Sep-08, 11:43
A crofter from Stirkoke, with the reputation of being a poor man on the scythe, was cutting oats and leaving a rather long stubble.
"How am i doan Willie?" he asked his neighbour
"No bad for the first cut!" came the dry answer.
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Two crofters, whose land lay close to the sea, were about to slaughter a pig when it broke loose and bolted towards the cliffs.
............."Come back! Come back! Or ye'll get killed!"
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A group of folk had gathered at a traditional kisting to pay last respects to awld Geordie.
"Dis he no look fine lyan there. Obviously the holiday in Spain did him good!"
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An old lady who was seriously ill was advised by her doctor to have a brandy before going to sleep. The following day he visited her.
"Did you take your brandy?"
"No doctor, I thocht i was dyan and i didna want to go before my Maker wi' a smell o' drink on my breith!"
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A caithness couple who had been on a car tour of the Highlands one summer arrived late in the evening at a seasonal hotel in Sutherland. At two o'clock in the morning the bar was still open and doing a brisk trade.
"When on earth do you shut this place?" they enquired of the barman.
"October!" came the easy rejoinder.
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A couple, rather fond of the dram, but doing thier best to keep of it, bought a bottle of whisky on a saturday. A week later the man complained of pains in his stomach.
"Get the mercies, quick." he said to his wife, who appeared with the chisky bottle.
"Ah'm afraid she's empty, Ye see i hed a sore stomag every day this week."
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Welcomefamily
28-Sep-08, 12:10
Priceless......Brill
highlander
28-Sep-08, 20:23
Strolling along a Castletown street carrying a large blaring stereo was a young teenager.Ignoring the noise, a senior citizen enquired,
"Is that no heavy?"
"No, I only play light music."
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A lady, up at Scrabster for the sea angling, went out to fish in a vessel which, unknown to her, had no mod, cons. Some hours later, on thier way back to port, she told the skipper she needed the toilet.
"Ok.." he replied, "I'll slow doon a bit!"
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On hearing that her neighbour's son was severely wounded in battle. Maggie hurried in to commiserate.
"What happened?"
"A bullet through the forehead."
"Mercy, it's a good job it wisna his eye."
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A security policeman employed by a large organisation phoned a vet. lab and asked if he could get any advice on why the guard dogs were eating thier own droppings.
"Could it be boredom?" he queried.
"Doubtful. Or all the workers would be at it!"
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A thurso wifie received a bill from her coal merchants;
To Coal £50
Wood £10
Peat £22
Sundries £1
She stormed into the office and said,
"Ah'll pay for the coal, the wood and the peats,
but ah'm no payan for cinders!"
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highlander
30-Sep-08, 14:51
A coach pulled up at the Portland Arms Hotel on a dreich day in August. A large American, festooned with cameras and binoculars asked a crofter who was emerging from the bar;
"Say, is this all there is of Lybster? It's a dump."
"Weel if it is, "replied the crofter, "lookan' at ye I'd say ye've come to the right place!"
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A young girl student on her last year at College took home her boyfriend to meet her parents. She was quite embarrassed during the meal when her father kept referring to his calves having the "scoor" and his frequent use of the word "dung".
After they left the table the girl said to her mother,
"Couldn't he have said "manure", instead of "dung"?
"Lassie," the mother replied, "It's taken me years to get him to say "dung".
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In the 1930's a crofter's only daughter went to work in London. Some years later she returned, having saved some money and insisted that a bathroom be installed. She also insisted that father boil his herring in the barn.
"Lassie, what an unhygienic lot they must be doon 'ere' makin' thier food ootside and doin' thier business in the hoose!"
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Having been on a "bender" for a few days a farmer had lost track of time, when he spotted some shift workers alighting from a bus.
"What time o' day is it?" he enquired.
"Half past nine."
"Night or morning?"
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p.s. more later
Keep them coming hihglander, there's nothing like a good giggle to brighten the day and postpone having to do the ironing!
highlander
01-Oct-08, 12:11
Willag took a fearfull fill at the lamb sale. When he woke next day he had no recollection of the later part of the evening. On seeing his two black eyes in the mirror he was even more ashamed.
"Maggie, ah'm terribly sorry coman' home lek this"
"Ye needna worry, Willag, ye didna hev them when ye came in!" was the satisfied retort.
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Four young girls who had dined in a Thurso hotel, returned to the country and reported thier evening's news to an elderly grandmother, Concluding a recitation of the menu, one remarked.
"An we had four 'tipsy lairds' there too"
"Mercy, you would think the gentry would show a better example," retorted the granny.
.................................................. .................................................. ........................ A V.A.T. man was visiting a Caithness farmer whose books were not in order.
"Will you have a dram?"
"Not while i am working." replied the official.
"Some of the wife's rhubarb wine, then?"
"Yes, thank you. I could manage that, I think."
Whereon the farmer plied him with a few glasses of neat, white illicit whisky.
As th tipsy V.A.T. man departed he slurred.
"When you break up your rhubarb plant, keep a root for me."
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More later folks
highlander
02-Oct-08, 22:10
When he visited an elder lady in her tiny cottage, a minister knelt by her bedside, clasped his hands together, and said solemnly.
"let us put up a petition"
"There'll be none goan up here," interrupted the hard-of-hearing lady, "this hoose is small enough already!"
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It was the young minister's first Burns supper and he listened with rapt attention to what he considered a good story. The punch lines were: "The happiest days that'ere i spent were in the arms of another man's wife.......After a suitable pause the speaker said, "My mother".
The following year the young minister thought that he would relate this tale.
"The happiest days that 'ere i spent were in the arms of another man's wife" but having reached the crucial point he became extremeely embarrassed and spluttered, "I'm afraid for the life of me i cannot remember whose wife it was!.
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During discussion in a religious education class a minister asked if there were any questions.
"Yes. What wis the need o' Jacob's ladder if the angels hed wings?"
"Good question." said the minister. "20p to anyone who can give me a good answer."
A young lad immediately raised his hand;
"Sir, maybe they were moltan at the time!"
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Just after the lurid painting on the Atomic Energy Authority's Superannuation Office in Thurso was completed, a passie skorrie christened it.
"That seems a fair artistic comment," exclaimed a local.
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ciderally
02-Oct-08, 22:22
thanks for the laugh...just what i needed
George Brims
02-Oct-08, 23:17
Here's one my late Aunt Barbara told me.
The school inspector visited a small rural Caithness school in the 1920s. Seeking to see what the children new of the wider world, he showed the children a picture book of animals, and asked them to identify them. The elephant, the giraffe, and the lion were no problem. The he turned the page to a picture of a sheep. "Well you will all know this one. Hands up!" No hands go up. "What, surely you can all identify that animal?" Still no response. "Well, I am amazed, in Caithness of all places" Finally a voice from the back of the room came a tentative query "Wid id be a twa year owld gimmer?"
Foxy will probably like this story better than anyone else on here!
highlander
03-Oct-08, 11:23
One Friday afternoon a middle-aged worker collapsed and died. The widow, on being offered sympathy from the quarry owner, retorted.
"There wisna much work at yer quarry, anyway."
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A doctor's wife, a fitness fanatic, was jogging through Wick in a scanty pair of shorts, covered by her long T-shirt. An astonished elderly local shook her head and remarked.
"It's coman till it when a doctor's wife runs roond the toon wi nothin' on but her semit."
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A lybster man had heard that a busload of Frenchmen was due to arrive at a local hotel. Anxious to try out his French, he rushed to a bus as it pulled in a began jabbering away to a fellow he saw standing by the bus door. He failed to get any responce for some time until the man replied.
"Quate wi yon trock, boy. Ah'm fae Spittal!"
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Last century there was a porter at Georgemas Station who could neither read or write. He used to point to the station sign and shout out.
"If there's any chiel for here, this is hid!"
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Some year ago the Wick- Inverness train took over six hours to complete its journey. As the train pulled into Inverness station a harassed mannie picked up his two suitcases and said,
"Thank goodness. That's the worst part o' the journey over."
"Where are you going?" asked his fellow-traveller.
"Hong-Kong."
:lol:Keep em coming this is the best crack we have had on the Org in ages. I am still getting to grips with the lingo. On that note, hubby and I were in Paris on holiday a few years ago, I had retained a fair bit of schoolgirl french but rather think Hubby had forgotten to turn up for his French class. Funniest thing ever listening to a Wicker trying to speak bad French with a Caithness accent. The Hotel receptionist would not let us have our key to our room till hubby asked for it in French. The receptionist would crack up every time....poor hubby!:lol:
Some year ago the Wick- Inverness train took over six hours to complete its journey. "
its no much better now!!!! :eek::lol:
LOL! Was just wonderin how long the Inverness - Thurso journey is now! Used to seem like an eternity especially when it stopped in the middle of nowhere for apparently no reason. Mind you have had some real good laughs on that journey!
LOL! Was just wonderin how long the Inverness - Thurso journey is now! Used to seem like an eternity especially when it stopped in the middle of nowhere for apparently no reason. Mind you have had some real good laughs on that journey!
about 4 hours... feels more like 4 days when your travelling with kids though!
about 4 hours... feels more like 4 days when your travelling with kids though!
Oh right enough honey - no joke travellin wi bairns! :roll:
I used to work with someone who thought he could speak French; he spoke English with a French accent and waved his arms copiously.....:lol:
highlander
04-Oct-08, 21:53
The home guard were doing a large-scale excercise near Lybster. One of the two "waring" parties was led by a pompous captain who caught up with a Caithness crofter who had just been "shot"
"Where did the rest of your group go, my man?"
"Dead men tell no tales." came the canny reply.
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On being told that colour TV was coming to Caithness an elderly Thurso citizen said;
"I believe it when i see it in black and white!"
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A Pakistani came to Caithness and set up buisness as a grocer. Soon he was undercutting rivals, with large notices such as;
Butter 50p per Ib
He was dismayed, however, to find a nearby shop with a sign;
Butter 46p per Ib
Theprice was continued until the Pakistani decided to end hositilities by going to the neighbouring shop and saying.
"Ok. No more price cuts on the butter we sell."
"But i dont sell butter"
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For a dare, a young student stormed into a busy Chinese restaurant, placed a dead cat on the counter and said.
"That's the last one you get, until you've paid for the others."
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Here's one my late Aunt Barbara told me.
The school inspector visited a small rural Caithness school in the 1920s. Seeking to see what the children new of the wider world, he showed the children a picture book of animals, and asked them to identify them. The elephant, the giraffe, and the lion were no problem. The he turned the page to a picture of a sheep. "Well you will all know this one. Hands up!" No hands go up. "What, surely you can all identify that animal?" Still no response. "Well, I am amazed, in Caithness of all places" Finally a voice from the back of the room came a tentative query "Wid id be a twa year owld gimmer?"
Foxy will probably like this story better than anyone else on here!
Cracking story George. [lol]
Keep up the good work. Every one a gem.
highlander
08-Oct-08, 15:59
A young girl from Keiss was saying her prayers and concluded.
"I won't be praying for a fortnight, as I'm goan till Wick for ma holidays."
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A man and his five sons were all on the "Dole". They were visited by a civil servant who enquired why they had not sought any work.
"Ye see, sir, none of us hed the inclination for it."
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A wifie who was a notorious blether and a very poor listener passed by a shop window. One of the customers remarked to the other.
"Apparently Mrs Green is terribly deaf."
Her friend replied.
"I'm surprised anybody found oot!"
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An exasperated man at Dunbeath: the difference between a wife and a terrorist is that you can negotitate with a terrorist.
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A man who frequently in conversation reffered to objects or people as "Whateecallit", announced one evening to a friend.
"Guess who I met today?"
"Dont know."
"Whateecallit. Of course, you might know him, but ye'd hev known his faither!"
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A young lad was carrying a wet battery to get it charged at the garage. On his way he kept swinging it carelessly untill a passer-by remarked.
"Boy. Ye'll be mixing up the foreign stations!"
Would whateecallit be related to thingumybob and whotisname?
Can't stop laughing here.
George Brims
09-Oct-08, 01:42
Yes, and a cousin to whosisface (that's merried til hersel).
oldmarine
09-Oct-08, 04:57
Sure enjoyed reading all of the Caithness home spun stories.
highlander
09-Oct-08, 14:42
An old man had taken a large dram in Lybster and failed to walk the three miles to his croft. He paused for a rest and fell asleep by an old bridge. He awoke, cold and shivering, looked over the parapet of the bridge and exclaimed on seeing the moon's reflection in the water.
"Hell! If that's the moon, where am I?"
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A visitor from the south of England enquired of a Caithness crofter, why the lambing season was so spread out.
"Weel! It's lek iss: E ram always goes til'e bonny ewes first!"
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A miserable unpleasant butcher, who had swindled many members of the community was asked by a crofter if he would put a value on a stirk which was to be sold.
"Yes, £100" (which was a ridiculously low figure)
"And would you sell for that?" asked the crofter.
"If it was me I'd sell all my stirks for that price."
Delighted at his basement bargain, the butcher paid the £100 in cash. Next day he went to the croft to claim the beast. To his dismay the crofter's mother declared that it was HER beast and SHE had not sold it.
The butcher hurried to the bar where he found the inebriated crofter buying drinks for his cronier. The butcher demanded the money that he paid for the stirk.
"Butcher I never said I hed a stirk to sell and YOU never said the money wis for the beast. Cheers!"
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A crofter, at a farmer's ball in Wick for the first time, was astonished when the chairman asked him to say Grace before the meal. The embarrassed and nervous crofter got to his feet and muttered incoherently.
A neighbour, in a stage whisper, said:
"Speak up, boy"
Back came the muttered reply:
"Ah'm no speaking till YE."
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highlander
17-Oct-08, 22:23
A lybster man was up in court for killing a cow on the Camster road.
"What speed were you doing? queried the sheriff.
"20 m.p.h. your honour."
"surely you would need a collision of at least 50 m.p.h. to kill the animal, don't you think?"
"Well, in that case, the coo must have been doing 30 when i wis doan 20".
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An inquisitive couple were having high tea in Dunnet and wondered who the attractive young waitress was.
"From Canisbay- na. Ah doot it."
"Mey. Na, we'd surely ken her."
"Groats. Na Na."
"Wonder what bit o' the world she'd be from then?"
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A Macphee lad, desperate to raise some money for the festive season, brought his portable radio into a Thurso hotel. Waxing eloquent on what a bargain buy it would be, he ended,
"She's never been wraxed. Never been on a foreign station!.
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A doctor, new to the district, advertised for a gardener. He interviewed the first applicant asking him if he knew much about flowers.
"No muckle, and that's no maitteran in Caithness.
More importantly, I ken plenty aboot weeds!.
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Some years ago a cheil was asked to go to the coast to speak at a function. He was greeted by the kindly enthusiastic chairman whom he had known for many years.
Ah'm delighted ye've managed. It's no easy to get people. To tell ye the truth wir chist scrapan the barrel for speakers!"
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Last Christman a Janetstown wife gave her man two ties.
Next morning he came down wearing one of them.
"And what, may i ask, is wrong with the ither wan!"
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