View Full Version : Lets Design A Prison !!
Lord Flasheart
07-Jul-08, 21:50
I have just been reading the thread about whether those those convicted of Knife crime should automatically go to jail. After having nearly got my virtual pitchfork and torch out of the cupboard I thought, whats the point ?? We have already seen how some criminals dont want to leave prison because it is so cushy !!
Its time for a change, we the public should have the right to decide what kind of treatment these muppets get, this being an open forum with many and varied points of view I thought we could have a go at designing a new look prison for todays criminal.
I give you my effort .. "Lord Flashearts Criminal Emporium"
On being processed into this fine establishment you will be met by your Prison Officer, he will be ex militairy and you will get the feeling he doesnt like you. Your right. He doesnt. With a uniform like a french riot policeman and a cap that obscures his eyes he will look ferocious. He also speaks in a wierd language of short sharp barks, failure to answer these will result in a short sharp boot from his steel toe cap. As you move towards being issued your prison clothing you will hear The Clash singing "I fought the law and the law won", . TAKE NOTE .. if you think that is intimidating then just check out your uniform of pink plimsoles, trousers (one leg shorter than the other) and t-shirt. You do not look cool or hard now matey. On your t-shirt will be your name, crime and how long until you get out. We dont care if your good, you aint getting out any earlier.
On reaching your cell you find it lavishly decorated in day glo pink and green. Your bed is a matalan mattress on the floor and you dont have to worry about cell mates as you are on your own. We dont want you cooking up some schemes with a hardened criminal now do we ??, We arent completely inhuman though and have supplied you with some posters of saucy women. Lets just hope you find a 6 ft by 6 ft portrait of Anne Widdecombe in a thong bikini alluring eh ?? Toilet facilities are en suite and consist of a pipe leading out of the window and down to the ground. So does every other cell. You will be required, along with your fellow "pink pillocks" to clean this pile up every morning. You made it, you sort it. Why should law abiding folks pay from their taxes to clean up your whoopsies ??
Onto the canteen now. Here the main course is Quiche, REAL men dont eat it after all. Until our dispensation comes through and you will be enjoying a fresh leg of paedophile, roast child molester or curried child abductor. We have the raw material for these meals and waste not want not eh ??, but dont worry .. it tastes like chicken. After a hearty meal you can go to the recreation area. Here we have PC's, Playstation 3's, Xbox 360's, Nintendo Wii's, Pool and Snooker tables and a wide variety of gaming machines. Well, pictures of them at least. They are there to remind you what you could have been doing if you hadnt broke the law and used a knife. You are too busy sunshine to enjoy these fabulous colour pictures anyway as all those pink clothes dont wash themselves you know !!, Quick stint in the roasting hot laundry then off to your cell to ensure it is spick and span and Anne is looking as radiant as ever.
Visting times .. Dont have them. If you had behaved you could see your mum as often as you like so .. tough. Food Parcels are accepted though, that nice man whose eyes you cant see in the riot police uniform will give you a list of the things he likes. I suggest you are most emphatic in making sure they arrive promptly.
Oh .. and enjoy your stay .. [evil]
Kevin Milkins
07-Jul-08, 21:59
All of the above ,or and could we put it on Stroma.
good post lord flasheart,
kinda reminds me o' a book i read by...i think it wis sandra brown...maybe no.
it wis aboot 'e lascie that got caught smugglin heroin fie thailand. she done a couple o' years in a jail over ayre. it wis hard goin i think. they hed til sleep on floors and clean oot 'e sewage tanks every week or somethin :eek:
obviously things are a lot tougher over ayre but it widna harm til toughen up prison rules til make it less cooshy.....
Lord Flasheart
07-Jul-08, 23:12
good post lord flasheart,
kinda reminds me o' a book i read by...i think it wis sandra brown...maybe no.
it wis aboot 'e lascie that got caught smugglin heroin fie thailand. she done a couple o' years in a jail over ayre. it wis hard goin i think. they hed til sleep on floors and clean oot 'e sewage tanks every week or somethin :eek:
obviously things are a lot tougher over ayre but it widna harm til toughen up prison rules til make it less cooshy.....
Cheers Trix.
And do they have a crime problem like us in Thailand ??, now I am going to stick my neck out and say that Prison should be somewhere you DONT want to go. But heck I am just old fashioned.
My criminal emporium will now have the beds removed .. and while I am at it the bikini is coming off Anne Widdecombe as well. That might be heading into sadism but so be it.
Have they decided if they are going to jail them yet on the knife thread ??, my warders are all ready and waiting ... [evil]
Lord Flasheart
07-Jul-08, 23:13
All of the above ,or and could we put it on Stroma.
And I thought I was sadistic !!
Kevin Milkins
07-Jul-08, 23:20
And I thought I was sadistic !!
I can feel the wind blowing through the bars of the cell windows.
What about some piped music of perhaps Des O Conner or Max Bygraves.
kinda reminds me o' a book i read by...i think it wis sandra brown...maybe no.
gregory...sandra gregory her name wis....:roll:
forget yer hev a daughter wis 'e naime o'ed...
Lord Flasheart
08-Jul-08, 01:44
I can feel the wind blowing through the bars of the cell windows.
What about some piped music of perhaps Des O Conner or Max Bygraves.
Kevin you are truly a man after my own heart. There should be no mercy for these muppets, I would go with "Maid of Orleans" by OMD played constantly. After three weeks they will be eating their own earlobes. Des O Connor and Max Bygraves we would keep for the hardened offenders.
Des and Max ?? .. *gulp* .. *shudders*
Englebert Humperdink singing Release Me on a constant loop would be better/worse.
I would give them recreation time of 1 hour of jogging around the yard. However it's not all fun-they are wearing pedometer's that measure their speed and if it drop's below 7mph then they get a shock to the.....well, wherever you wish to attach the electrodes!
http://www.cnn.com/US/9907/27/tough.sheriff/
love it!
Lord Flasheart
08-Jul-08, 03:26
Englebert Humperdink singing Release Me on a constant loop would be better/worse.
I would give them recreation time of 1 hour of jogging around the yard. However it's not all fun-they are wearing pedometer's that measure their speed and if it drop's below 7mph then they get a shock to the.....well, wherever you wish to attach the electrodes!
Liking it. Englebert Humperdinck idea top notch and duly implemented.
Do you want a job as a warder Jox ??, you have the skills for it. Now that we have sorted the aerobic exercise I suggest that to work those muscles we have a set of pull up bars and a really angry set of police dogs. Bottom line is that if your ankle drops within range of Fido it becomes its next bone. The inmates get some exercise and the dogs get familiar with thier prey, everyone wins.
Metalattakk
08-Jul-08, 04:22
I have just been reading the thread about whether those those convicted of Knife crime should automatically go to jail. After having nearly got my virtual pitchfork and torch out of the cupboard I thought, whats the point ?? We have already seen how some criminals dont want to leave prison because it is so cushy !!
Its time for a change, we the public should have the right to decide what kind of treatment these muppets get, this being an open forum with many and varied points of view I thought we could have a go at designing a new look prison for todays criminal.
I give you my effort .. "Lord Flashearts Criminal Emporium"
On being processed into this fine establishment you will be met by your Prison Officer, he will be ex militairy and you will get the feeling he doesnt like you. Your right. He doesnt. With a uniform like a french riot policeman and a cap that obscures his eyes he will look ferocious. He also speaks in a wierd language of short sharp barks, failure to answer these will result in a short sharp boot from his steel toe cap. As you move towards being issued your prison clothing you will hear The Clash singing "I fought the law and the law won", . TAKE NOTE .. if you think that is intimidating then just check out your uniform of pink plimsoles, trousers (one leg shorter than the other) and t-shirt. You do not look cool or hard now matey. On your t-shirt will be your name, crime and how long until you get out. We dont care if your good, you aint getting out any earlier.
On reaching your cell you find it lavishly decorated in day glo pink and green. Your bed is a matalan mattress on the floor and you dont have to worry about cell mates as you are on your own. We dont want you cooking up some schemes with a hardened criminal now do we ??, We arent completely inhuman though and have supplied you with some posters of saucy women. Lets just hope you find a 6 ft by 6 ft portrait of Anne Widdecombe in a thong bikini alluring eh ?? Toilet facilities are en suite and consist of a pipe leading out of the window and down to the ground. So does every other cell. You will be required, along with your fellow "pink pillocks" to clean this pile up every morning. You made it, you sort it. Why should law abiding folks pay from their taxes to clean up your whoopsies ??
Onto the canteen now. Here the main course is Quiche, REAL men dont eat it after all. Until our dispensation comes through and you will be enjoying a fresh leg of paedophile, roast child molester or curried child abductor. We have the raw material for these meals and waste not want not eh ??, but dont worry .. it tastes like chicken. After a hearty meal you can go to the recreation area. Here we have PC's, Playstation 3's, Xbox 360's, Nintendo Wii's, Pool and Snooker tables and a wide variety of gaming machines. Well, pictures of them at least. They are there to remind you what you could have been doing if you hadnt broke the law and used a knife. You are too busy sunshine to enjoy these fabulous colour pictures anyway as all those pink clothes dont wash themselves you know !!, Quick stint in the roasting hot laundry then off to your cell to ensure it is spick and span and Anne is looking as radiant as ever.
Visting times .. Dont have them. If you had behaved you could see your mum as often as you like so .. tough. Food Parcels are accepted though, that nice man whose eyes you cant see in the riot police uniform will give you a list of the things he likes. I suggest you are most emphatic in making sure they arrive promptly.
Oh .. and enjoy your stay .. [evil]
I firmly believe architects should be forced to live in their own creations. What say you, your Lordship?
Hey you lot that is not fair on Stroma! Blimey a view like that would fair add to the attraction of JOG tho! ;)
I firmly believe architects should be forced to live in their own creations. What say you, your Lordship?
I'm with you on that Metalattakk. I worked for a removal company years ago and know what it's like trying to get furniture in and out of 'rabbit hutches'.
teenybash
08-Jul-08, 11:11
I think to make the jogging even more muscle unfriendly would be the proverbial ball and chain around the ankles. Of course there would have to be some hard labour flung in for good measure, by way of pick axe duties involving the breaking of rocks.......
http://www.cnn.com/US/9907/27/tough.sheriff/
love it!
OK even for some prisoners that was extreme but at least the reoffending rate would go down. Think we are far too soft on prisoners. I know that the biggest danger in prison is other prisoners and very lax prison security. If it was worse maybe the same names would not come up so often in the "Groat" every Friday.
All of the above ,or and could we put it on Stroma.
Why would you impose all those scum onto Stroma?
Lord Flasheart, you're being way too soft on these dregs of society. Don't even bother with prison - just hang them all. And bring back drawing and quartering and sticking their heads on London Bridge to go with the hanging. Minor offences could be dealt with by poking their eyes out or chopping their hands off, just like the bible tell us to.
In fact, do away with the whole judiciary system - what the heck, you'll lose a few innocent people, but think how many of the poor, the mentally ill, the drug-addicted, the no-hopers and the ethnic minorities you'll get rid of. And it'll be even simpler to deter female criminals - bring back the stake.
Lord Flasheart, you're being way too soft on these dregs of society. Don't even bother with prison - just hang them all. And bring back drawing and quartering and sticking their heads on London Bridge to go with the hanging. Minor offences could be dealt with by poking their eyes out or chopping their hands off, just like the bible tell us to.
In fact, do away with the whole judiciary system - what the heck, you'll lose a few innocent people, but think how many of the poor, the mentally ill, the drug-addicted, the no-hopers and the ethnic minorities you'll get rid of. And it'll be even simpler to deter female criminals - bring back the stake.Then you have the trial by combat where the accused was allowed to fight his/her accuser to clear their names. Sometimes the Accuser was killed but hey ho, that's life, or death if you were unlucky.:D
The prison system in this country leaves a lot to be desired,I dont mean that they have a hard time,I mean they have far too good a time!For instance,my cousin was sent to borstal when he was younger,when he came home he complained that his Mum was not offering him the kind of food he had got in borstal,he said that he had steak,roasts etc everyday!I am lucky if I can afford to supply my kids with a good roast dinner once a week!Also not that long ago I wanted to do a degree,but couldnt afford to do it,but if I was in prison it would have been paid for!I think that if you do the crime,you do the time,and it should be hardtime!That way people would be less likely to re-offend!x
Lord Flasheart
08-Jul-08, 21:59
I firmly believe architects should be forced to live in their own creations. What say you, your Lordship?
I do, Im the Warden. But as a law abiding citizen I am allowed my home comforts.
Its not easy you know giving up my life to make sure that these criminals pay their debt to society, but someone has to. There have been some changes though, the Health and Safety Executive have visted. They have decided that the matresses are too thin and need replacing. I have therefore bought one luxury mattress between six prisoners. Every evening there will be a bout of milling and the winner gets the mattress, the other five will be so tired that they wont care where they sleep. Thats a good thing as its the floor. The pictures of the lovely Anne Widdecombe have been designated as "cruel and unusual punishment" therefore I have had them removed. There will however be a pole dancing exhibition by Anne every morning and evening at 8 o clock. Its just as good as the posters as it will take at least 12 hours to get that image out of your head.
Our dispensation to eat the Paedophile's, child molesters and abductors has been suspended. The inmates are now eating Pot Noodles, one of them said he liked Quiche so that'll teah 'em. Personally I think feeding them "Pot Swamp" is a hardship too far but there you go. One inmate had the audacity to ask for a change of flavour !!, an hours practice with the Guard dogs soon cured him of his insolence. I must remember to buy one of those padded suits for next time though but on the plus side he has broken the world record for the 200m dash .. for a consecutive two miles.
Lord Flash's Criminal Emporium .. Tough on Crime and Tough on the people who think prison is a cushy number .. Since 2008.
Kevin Milkins
08-Jul-08, 22:55
I do, Im the Warden. But as a law abiding citizen I am allowed my home comforts.
Its not easy you know giving up my life to make sure that these criminals pay their debt to society, but someone has to. There have been some changes though, the Health and Safety Executive have visted. They have decided that the matresses are too thin and need replacing. I have therefore bought one luxury mattress between six prisoners. Every evening there will be a bout of milling and the winner gets the mattress, the other five will be so tired that they wont care where they sleep. Thats a good thing as its the floor. The pictures of the lovely Anne Widdecombe have been designated as "cruel and unusual punishment" therefore I have had them removed. There will however be a pole dancing exhibition by Anne every morning and evening at 8 o clock. Its just as good as the posters as it will take at least 12 hours to get that image out of your head.
Our dispensation to eat the Paedophile's, child molesters and abductors has been suspended. The inmates are now eating Pot Noodles, one of them said he liked Quiche so that'll teah 'em. Personally I think feeding them "Pot Swamp" is a hardship too far but there you go. One inmate had the audacity to ask for a change of flavour !!, an hours practice with the Guard dogs soon cured him of his insolence. I must remember to buy one of those padded suits for next time though but on the plus side he has broken the world record for the 200m dash .. for a consecutive two miles.
Lord Flash's Criminal Emporium .. Tough on Crime and Tough on the people who think prison is a cushy number .. Since 2008.
Whats wrong with pot noodles ? many of my ex-mining freinds toil away on a three shift system in the pot noodle mine in Crumlin.
Its a hard and dangerous job and the sceme of noodles is only 34 inches thick so working on your knees all day just to feed some ungratfull criminals deserve a bit credit LF ,if you dont mind.:roll:
Lord Flasheart
09-Jul-08, 03:05
Whats wrong with pot noodles ? many of my ex-mining freinds toil away on a three shift system in the pot noodle mine in Crumlin.
Its a hard and dangerous job and the sceme of noodles is only 34 inches thick so working on your knees all day just to feed some ungratfull criminals deserve a bit credit LF ,if you dont mind.:roll:
Most humble apologies.
Taking nothing away from the hard working miners in Crumlin I have to say Pot Noodles are rank, the devils leftovers. Personally I would just flush them down the bog and cut out the middle man. I am grateful though that the miners hard work and efforts are keeping my little emporium running. I am also willing to negiotate a suitable dayrate for inmates to work as pit ponies should they be needed. I dont see the point in putting animals through the hard work of a mine when I have criminals at hand, plus the irony of making them work for their dinner brings a smile to my face.
rob murray
09-Jul-08, 14:24
A one word answer fro a prison design : Stroma
What is the story wi Stroma knocking? It looks like a perfectly lovely island to me!
Instead of building the prison on Stroma may I suggest it be placed on the causeway between the mainland and Lindisfarne,(Holy Island).:evil
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lindisfarne
OK I get the idea cos it is covered wi water twice a day but hey that is another beautiful place! Guys c'mon think ugly site!
zulublue68
10-Jul-08, 01:34
Prison should be like it was in the old days with no luxuries such as games consoles,Flat screen tv,s or 3 course meals and fully kitted out gyms.Instead they should bring back bread and water.Forget breaching their human rigts (They should not have them).The prison system is a complete joke anyway.
OK I get the idea cos it is covered wi water twice a day but hey that is another beautiful place! Guys c'mon think ugly site!
Rocket launcher/prison Shuttle to dark side of moon? Might not be ugly there, but you wouldn't be able to see the pink uniforms.
bobandag16
10-Jul-08, 16:31
I have just been reading the thread about whether those those convicted of Knife crime should automatically go to jail. After having nearly got my virtual pitchfork and torch out of the cupboard I thought, whats the point ?? We have already seen how some criminals dont want to leave prison because it is so cushy !!
Its time for a change, we the public should have the right to decide what kind of treatment these muppets get, this being an open forum with many and varied points of view I thought we could have a go at designing a new look prison for todays criminal.
I give you my effort .. "Lord Flashearts Criminal Emporium"
On being processed into this fine establishment you will be met by your Prison Officer, he will be ex militairy and you will get the feeling he doesnt like you. Your right. He doesnt. With a uniform like a french riot policeman and a cap that obscures his eyes he will look ferocious. He also speaks in a wierd language of short sharp barks, failure to answer these will result in a short sharp boot from his steel toe cap. As you move towards being issued your prison clothing you will hear The Clash singing "I fought the law and the law won", . TAKE NOTE .. if you think that is intimidating then just check out your uniform of pink plimsoles, trousers (one leg shorter than the other) and t-shirt. You do not look cool or hard now matey. On your t-shirt will be your name, crime and how long until you get out. We dont care if your good, you aint getting out any earlier.
On reaching your cell you find it lavishly decorated in day glo pink and green. Your bed is a matalan mattress on the floor and you dont have to worry about cell mates as you are on your own. We dont want you cooking up some schemes with a hardened criminal now do we ??, We arent completely inhuman though and have supplied you with some posters of saucy women. Lets just hope you find a 6 ft by 6 ft portrait of Anne Widdecombe in a thong bikini alluring eh ?? Toilet facilities are en suite and consist of a pipe leading out of the window and down to the ground. So does every other cell. You will be required, along with your fellow "pink pillocks" to clean this pile up every morning. You made it, you sort it. Why should law abiding folks pay from their taxes to clean up your whoopsies ??
Onto the canteen now. Here the main course is Quiche, REAL men dont eat it after all. Until our dispensation comes through and you will be enjoying a fresh leg of paedophile, roast child molester or curried child abductor. We have the raw material for these meals and waste not want not eh ??, but dont worry .. it tastes like chicken. After a hearty meal you can go to the recreation area. Here we have PC's, Playstation 3's, Xbox 360's, Nintendo Wii's, Pool and Snooker tables and a wide variety of gaming machines. Well, pictures of them at least. They are there to remind you what you could have been doing if you hadnt broke the law and used a knife. You are too busy sunshine to enjoy these fabulous colour pictures anyway as all those pink clothes dont wash themselves you know !!, Quick stint in the roasting hot laundry then off to your cell to ensure it is spick and span and Anne is looking as radiant as ever.
Visting times .. Dont have them. If you had behaved you could see your mum as often as you like so .. tough. Food Parcels are accepted though, that nice man whose eyes you cant see in the riot police uniform will give you a list of the things he likes. I suggest you are most emphatic in making sure they arrive promptly.
Oh .. and enjoy your stay .. [evil]
the wrong road hitler had many still did not deterer crimanials .protect the innocent. the law needs achange.
Lord Flasheart
10-Jul-08, 18:01
Rocket launcher/prison Shuttle to dark side of moon? Might not be ugly there, but you wouldn't be able to see the pink uniforms.
And they could de bunk the moon landing conspiracy theories too !!, Im all for the moon. Funds are stretched so if the crims want to come home they will have to arrange their own way home .. [evil]
In the words of Gordon Ramsay .. "Knife Criminals .. Done"
Lord Flasheart
10-Jul-08, 18:03
Instead of building the prison on Stroma may I suggest it be placed on the causeway between the mainland and Lindisfarne,(Holy Island).:evil
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lindisfarne
In fact scrub the Moon.
Joxville wins as long as I get introduced to whoever that is in his new avatar .. Hubba Hubba.
.Joxville wins as long as I get introduced to whoever that is in his new avatar .. Hubba Hubba.
Thats ME after I've had the snip & tuck-still keen are you?[lol][lol]
Lord Flasheart
10-Jul-08, 19:50
Thats ME after I've had the snip & tuck-still keen are you?[lol][lol]
Hang on.
If you now look as good as that from head to toe then see that coat ??, get it .. youve pulled.
If its just from the neck up then you have issues .. seriously.
Hang on.
If you now look as good as that from head to toe then see that coat ??, get it .. youve pulled.
If its just from the neck up then you have issues .. seriously.
All I can say is: "If Carlsberg did sex changes.....".[lol]
Lord Flasheart
11-Jul-08, 00:12
All I can say is: "If Carlsberg did sex changes.....".[lol]
So did you have your sense of reason, accountability and direction removed as part of the op ?? .. most women lack maybe all, possibly most but definetly a little bit of all three !!
Right that is prison for you Lord F and it could be a very long sentence!
Lord Flasheart
11-Jul-08, 00:28
Right that is prison for you Lord F and it could be a very long sentence!
Blimey .. me and Jox having a chat and look you make ONE post about females and they are on you like a shot !!, its either womens intuition or they have hearing like bats !!
Oh dear. Looks like I am off to the big house.
Blimey .. me and Jox having a chat and look you make ONE post about females and they are on you like a shot !!, its either womens intuition or they have hearing like bats !!
Oh dear. Looks like I am off to the big house.
Now it is not as if you and Jox are a couple of shrinkin violets is it? So if you will yap out loud on a public forum what is a woman to do? BTW bats are great!
BTW bats are great!
Too true-I find they are the ideal weapon for keeping a woman in her place.[lol][lol]
P.S. The above statement is a joke-I do not condone violence of any sort.
So did you have your sense of reason, accountability and direction removed as part of the op ?? .. most women lack maybe all, possibly most but definetly a little bit of all three !!
Not sure of the first two but definitely still have sense of direction and know where I'm headed-straight to Hell. (I just hope the stockings are straight).[lol]
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