The "Social Hand Grenade" Gene ..

[Lord Flasheart]

I know I have it.

I need to find fellow sufferers just to ensure I am not alone.

Sometimes it is the bane of my life. I seem to have this knack of completely destroying the atmosphere at any social function with the greatest of ease, its a talent I have had for many years now and sometimes I (and others) enjoy it, however at others it has made my circle of friends widen quicker than if I had dropped a skunk that hadnt washed for a week right in the middle of them. I look at it as kind of a interface failure between brain and mouth that is completely involuntary. The strange thing is that on most occasions it seems to be funny, Like the time I sarcastically remarked at a man of the cloth "Oh Ye of little faith" as he was telling me that I was never going to get to heaven if I continued my lifestyle of alcohol and women etc etc.

Anyway I thought I would share my latest outburst as my friends are a bit didvided .. I recently attended the "happy" event of my friend's engagement, personally I think marriage is outdated and he should just find a woman he doesnt like, buy her a house and save some time. Lets call the couple Peter and Rachel (NOT their real names) and after the banter and introductions more than a few beers had been quaffed. Peter's best mate stands up to make a speech (Ive known Peter longer but he wouldnt dare ask me, you will see why) and while coming to the end looks over at the couple and says "And I hear you may need a LOT of nappies in the future" .. now at this point bear in mind that both sets of parents are there and everyone they know both at work and socially virtually .. For some reason I turned to the lad next to me and said in a voice loud enough to be heard "She's not pregnant, all the muscles in Peter's backside have collapsed", my mate sprays lager all over the table, Peter starts laughing, his mate giving the speech doesnt know where to look and Rachel is fixing me with a look that is burning the paint off the wall behind me. Everyone else is looking at me with a mixture of sniggering, trying not to snigger and that open mouthed look of the truly appalled. I simply stand up raise my glass and say "To the happy couple !!" .. it got a muted response as you can imagine.

Does anyone else do this and does anyone want to invite me to a party ??

[Metalattakk]

*sniggers*

Some people just take everything far too seriously. Long may you embarrass them unintentionally. ;)

[DeHaviLand]

About 15 years ago, my then wife and I were invited to a christening party by ex-neighbours of ours, who had had twins.
Now, being childless, and not being gay, thereby not qualifying for IVF:D, I'm not big on the social niceties of such occasions. When the children were passed around for the customary "oohs" and "aahs", I exclaimed loudly, "wow, that ones a dead ringer for ET!". Cue the stunned silence, the swift revocation of what had once been free-flowing alcohol, and the exit stage-left of one now ex-wife.:lol:

[joxville]

About 15 years ago, my then wife and I were invited to a christening party by ex-neighbours of ours, who had had twins.
Now, being childless, and not being gay, thereby not qualifying for IVF:D, I'm not big on the social niceties of such occasions. When the children were passed around for the customary "oohs" and "aahs", I exclaimed loudly, "wow, that ones a dead ringer for ET!". Cue the stunned silence, the swift revocation of what had once been free-flowing alcohol, and the exit stage-left of one now ex-wife.:lol:

I have a similar story to this. I was 16 yrs old,had just got in from school, and brother and his wife were in with their new-born daughter. I took one look at my niece and said "She looks like an alien". My sister-in-law burst into tears and I got a thick ear off of my Mum.

[Anne x]

Mine was listening in to my parents conversation and my dad saying this big wedding is just nonsense waste of money etc and by the look of her we will be back next week for the baptism
My cousin at the wedding said this has been nice when will we all meet up again I said oh my dad says we will be back next week for the Baptism
you could of heard a pin drop yes it was his sister we were talking about
that was many years ago how times have changed no one would bat a eyelid now but I remember being in very serious trouble with my parents

[the_count]

The art of Droppong the Social Hand Grenade is i am afraid a dying artform that needs (in these days of P.C.ness) reviving big time. Its takes a great deal of perfect timing to get it absolutely right :lol:

[Lord Flasheart]

About 15 years ago, my then wife and I were invited to a christening party by ex-neighbours of ours, who had had twins.
Now, being childless, and not being gay, thereby not qualifying for IVF:D, I'm not big on the social niceties of such occasions. When the children were passed around for the customary "oohs" and "aahs", I exclaimed loudly, "wow, that ones a dead ringer for ET!". Cue the stunned silence, the swift revocation of what had once been free-flowing alcohol, and the exit stage-left of one now ex-wife.:lol:

See thats what Im talking about !!, thank you !!

I have done something similiar in referring to my sisters friends baby as a Conehead, in my defence it was well pointy. I also went to one of these Muslim protests after the ""cartoon" fiasco and when they were finished ranting on about Denmark and how they were going to boycott all their products shouted out from the back "Eat a lot of Danish bacon and drink a lot of Carslberg do we ??", I couldnt help it it HAD to be said.

[northener]

Not me personally, but worth repeating.

When I served on HMS Glasgow we were docked in that fair city on a goodwill visit.

We had an excellent time. Mucho being taken out and lashed up with food, drink and Nice Things by the good burghers of Glasgie.

In a moment of sheer madness, someone booked us in for the following occasions all in the same day and in the following order:

1.Distillery trip.

2. Game of rugby against a local side (with 'reception' afterwards).

3. Official evening do for the Ship's Company, to be attended in full rig by all non-duty members of the Ships Company from the Skipper down. Do is being attended by the Convenor for Strathclyde (with full bog chain adornments), various bigwigs, Council lackeys and local business hot-shots.

Things went well at the evening do, but the rugby team were obviously on shaky ground. Various threats by the Chief Stoker and the 1st Leiutenant kept a lid on things until the the moment of the toast to the Queen.

The Convenor stood and raised his glass, the Ships Company duly followed suit - with more than a few being held up by a firm grip on the back of their uniforms.

The Convenor called out " The Queen!" And drank.

We all raised our glasses and called out lustily "The Queen!" And necked our drinks.

Stoker Harry S, stocky Glaswegian, rugger player extrodinaire and all round Numpty, waited until everyone was drinking and then shouted:

"And all who sail in her!" Drained his glass, fell forward over the table in front of him and was fast asleep before his head hit the deck.

There was a deathly silence...the Convenor looked nervously around and the Skipper calmly beckoned the Chief Stoker over and said " Tell Stoker S I want a word with him when he sobers up".

Brilliant.

[jings00]

"she'll grow into her face???" isn't a good comment for a new bairn either....

[Lord Flasheart]

I have been told of one incident where some Royal Marines were playing football against their counterparts from Turkey. At the side of the pitch a particularly snobby sounding officer shouts "Come on lads remember NATO", the grizzled NCO next to him shoots him a dirty look and follows with "No lads .. Remember Gallipoli"

[matelot79]

Not me personally, but worth repeating.

When I served on HMS Glasgow we were docked in that fair city on a goodwill visit.

You should have been there when it was the city of culture (i was on HMS Guernsey, fishery protection. bad word up here) someone nicked a set of my No'8s and my woolly pulley but what a night, 6 months later promoted to killock of the mess, but new years day in Plymouth and the pubs were open £150 fine and 2 months stoppage of beer. That was some round.

[Aaldtimer]

You should have been there when it was the city of culture (i was on HMS Guernsey, fishery protection. bad word up here) someone nicked a set of my No'8s and my woolly pulley but what a night, 6 months later promoted to killock of the mess, but new years day in Plymouth and the pubs were open £150 fine and 2 months stoppage of beer. That was some round.

Erm..., I think the vast majority of us here will need a translation for this post.;)

[Thumper]

Worst one I ever did was quite a few years ago now (and I must point out that it was before the PC brigade went mad and also that I am in no way racist).....I was in a bar with my mate and she bought us some drinks,she handed me mine with no ice in it but hers did have ice so without thinking I said "whats wrong with me am I black or something" and turned round to see that the 6'4" guy standing beside me was indeed black :eek: He saw the funny side of it and I even ended up going out with him! ;) x

[Sapphire2803]

I was in a mobile phone shop with a friend, she was looking at a Nokia Ngage.
I said "Yeah, that's all very if you want to look like a twonk. Cos only a twonk would walk round talking into a gameboy"
The only other customer in the shop (a rather good looking young man), took his phone (ngage) out of his pocket, looked at it, wiggled it at me and said "A twonk eh?"

Oops :rolleyes:[smirk]

[bobandag16]

The art of Droppong the Social Hand Grenade is i am afraid a dying artform that needs (in these days of P.C.ness) reviving big time. Its takes a great deal of perfect timing to get it absolutely right :lol:
i can keep a straight face when telling a story. unfortunely my sense of humour is weird and my jokes fall flat because i have to say this is a joke
example nursery home people in wheel chairs . lets play musical chairs not funny.

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

The bride invited me and the wife to her wedding in Stirling.The bride was a really good pal to the both of us.The wife had met the groom but I hidnae.So we arrive at the reception,this guy says "Hello",turns to him and says "How ye the day?"So goes into the hall,PARTY full in flow.Me and the wife speak to the bride,suddenly find that the GUY was the groom.He wisnae a bad loon but he disnae half sound like Bob Dillon on the karaoke.:lol::lol:

[Lord Flasheart]

i can keep a straight face when telling a story. unfortunely my sense of humour is weird and my jokes fall flat because i have to say this is a joke
example nursery home people in wheel chairs . lets play musical chairs not funny.

If the occupants dont mind then why not ??

I once saw two disabled guys racing each other round the car park in a previous workplace and they were having the time of their lives. The fact we were betting on them just added that liitle bit more spice to it. People in wheelchairs have a sense of humour too. The lad I bet on (he lost, the git) was THE funniest guy I have ever met and despite all his problems had the dryest wit which cut like a razor. One friday at early stack someone says "Anyone for going down the pub and getting legless ??" Wheelchair guy was in the next room and you could hear a pin drop while we waited to see if he had heard .. all of a sudden he appears at high speed with a big grin, his arms in the air and yelling "I win !! I win !!", as for the tricks he used to play with his colostomy bag .. I cant even repeat here.

He passed away a while back but his funeral was an occasion to celebrate his life which is remembered by all who were there with a smile. Mainly because he left an instruction that we spend the money he left behind the bar on a pub crawl .. in wheelchairs. Apparently the thought of all his friends out of their face in wheelchairs appealed to him. In the church he didnt have a photo of himself but a wheelchair with a wheel clamp on it, I am told he wanted this to signify the end of the road. The letters he left for friends and family that were read out were hilarious. One of the last things he said to me was "Laugh like every day is your last, and if it isnt *Lord Flash* you should laugh anyway, I would if I had your looks"

Truly a class act .. *damn this dust getting in my eyes*