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[teenybash]

All you have to do to take part is write what you feel happens next.........

Davy wasn't sure what he had just seen but, he knew it had left him feeling uneasy as he made his way through the gates and on up to the big house.

[ciderally]

the path was overgrown with weeds, and the rain wasent helping, but he could see a movement at the front door...or was it his imagination...

[Kenn]

No, it was merely the wisteria caught by the soughing wind that had caught the silver rays of the moon as she passed between the scudding clouds.

[padfoot]

he continues up the path warily and heads up to the door and rings the door bell as an omunious figure apears by the door

[TBH]

Davy does his sales pitch, "I was wondering if you are interested in getting a new path laid, we can also do you a deal on a tarmac driveway"?

[Anne x]

While we are here Missus I can trim your Trees and cut the Hedge weeding at no extra charge

[TBH]

The woman pauses for a second, tightening her grip on the handle of the potato peeler she was using to remove the callus from her heels.

[Julia]

Davy sensed the woman's anxiousness and asked "are you alright?", her grip on the potato peeler loosened and it fell to the beautifully tiled floor with a distinct clatter, "let me get that for you" said Davy and reached downward but the woman grabbed his hand and said....

[wifie]

"No mortal must touch the peeler!", and with a horrified look she.......

[TBH]

Said in a creepy, child-like voice, "Are you my Daddy"?:eek:

[Anne x]

No !! I am only the Odd Job man who is your Mother again ?

[ciderally]

It wasent supposed to be like this, this wasent the plan

[brokencross]

The grandfather clock in the hall struck 12 noon, there was a massive peal of thunder and the heavens opened. The woman says you had better come in out of the rain and Davy says:-

[Anne x]

But !!! I normally go in through the back door the woman shook her head and said

[TBH]

"Your life is about to change in ways you cannot imagine".:eek:

[brokencross]

Davy's curiosity is aroused by this scantily clad, but scarey lady; he thinks to himself "to hell with it" and decides to go in, but just for a few moments to see what happens.
He steps forward to go through the gaping door but in his eagerness trips and falls flat on his face in the lobby.

[TBH]

Davy's eyes open to discover he's now a in a beautiful, oak-panelled room. "What happened?", said davie.

[Anne x]

you tripped on your Boot Laces handing him a glass of water

[teenybash]

which he drank hoping it would clear his head and he would come to his senses...............but the woman was tugging at his clothes, as if to tear them off and...................

[Anne x]

My Gosh what a state your in look at all those missing buttons something will have to be done about

[brokencross]

The woman stares deep in to Davy's bemused eyes and says, "Davy take my blouse off, now take off my skirt. Now Davy take my bra off and FOR GOODNESS SAKE don't let me ever catch you wearing my clothes again!!"
Davy grabbed her by the shoulders and said..........

[brokencross]

"For goodness sake woman, you hardly know me, you shouldn't make bad jokes like that. She looked at him with a tear in her eye.. ..

[teenybash]

''I'm sorry'' she snuffled tears now rolling down her cheeks. ''I just thought it would be fun to pretend..................'' Suddenly an angry voice rang out. ''Mona what have I told you about molesting strangers!!'' and her husband appeared in the doorway looking at the pair. Mona darted back.............

[TBH]

"I'm sorry", said Mona as Cecil started up the chain-saw and screamed manically, "now you are both going to die"!

[brokencross]

Davy, (needing time to think) and forever the gentleman, says stutteringly "L-l-l-l-ladies f-f-f-first"

[TBH]

Cecil barges past her to get at Davie. He wants Mona to see her supposed lover die first before he deals with her.

[teenybash]

The chainsaw roared and Mona howled like a scalded cat. Daveys eyes darted round the room looking for a way to escape and then he saw it..... the potato peeler. still lying where mona had dropped it. Could he reach it, would he have time before........................

[TBH]

Could he reach it, would he have time before Cecil brought the blade down on his head and carved him up like a sunday roast?:eek:

[brokencross]

As Davy grabbed the tatty peeler, Cecil did an almighty sneeze and dropped the chainsaw which started to writhe around the floor. Davys saw his chance and.. .. ..

[JamesMcVean]

He reached for the tattie peeler and jammed it into the side of the saw, which gave a scream of shredded gears and broken bits before smoke began pouring from it, filling the room with a choking, noxious cloud...

[brokencross]

..through the smoke Davy sees Mona crying her eyes out, he holds her, comforts her saying, "Now, now we are safe".
She sobs "You don't understand, that was my favourite tattie peeler, it was my grannys and her grannys before her.....it is absolutely priceless". "WAS priceless, more like" says Davy with his usual tact.
Seeing Davy and Mona were distracted, Cecil tok his chance and.. ..

[JamesMcVean]

reaches for the Garlic Press...

[brokencross]

.. .. he was going to bring tears to young Davys eyes.. ..

[JamesMcVean]

Mona grabbed the meat tenderiser...

[ciderally]

....and with all the strength she could muster, she brought it down on his ....

[TBH]

bedside cabinet, missing Cecil's head by millimetres. Mona falls in a crumpled, wailing heap, murder was never her forte.

[brokencross]

The meat tenderiser had shattered Cecils false teeth and the glass by the bed and this just made Cecil even madder.
Not only was his wife a potential adulteress, his gnashers were useless and he wouldn't be able to have his steak that night.. .. ..

[teenybash]

Rob Anderson, the local bobby had decided to take a walk down by the Big House as it was his afternoon off. ......................But what was that tortuous racket he could hear? ....something was amiss and he aimed to find out what.......

[JamesMcVean]

"My Teesh! I will never enjoy a shteak again and I hate bloody Shoop!" Cecil wails as his falsers fall in tinkling fragments...He steps though the smoke with murder in his eyesh...

[TBH]

Meanwhile, Robbie the Bobby knocked furiously on the door shouting, "Open up, it's the Police."

[danc1ngwitch]

Robbie, had a habbit of talking to himsel, " gosh, golly, I do feel like a pee".
See and this was the exact reason nobody took him seriously, and now someone was going to and he was going to make sure of this.

[JamesMcVean]

"I am going to count to three and then shoulder barge this door!!!" He cried as further sounds of scuffles and raised voices echoed from inside...
"One...Two..."

[brokencross]

..buckle my shoe .. .. Three..Four..knock on the door.. .. .. and thats just what Robbie the cowardly bobby did, he knocked loudly on the door:- "Is there anybody there??" (knowing fine that trouble was waiting on the other side of that door)

[TBH]

Robbie gets fed up waiting and slowly opens the front door, truncheon in hand, wary of what awaits him on the other side.

[JamesMcVean]

His voice lost the bravado he displayed on the open street as he stepping into the hall..."Ce...Ce...Cecil...Wh...wh...whats going on..." He stopped abruptly as he feet squelched in something deep red and sticky...

[TBH]

His heart pounding, he knelt down to examine the chaotic pattern of liquid on the floor.....

[JamesMcVean]

Jam...he dipped a finger and sucked...strawberry...seedless...
He dipped another when suddenly...

[brokencross]

.. he heard heavy breathing behind him and it was getting closer by the second

[TBH]

The cause of the breathing becomes apparent as a big black labrador knocks Robbie to the ground.

[brokencross]

Robbie did not like dogs, but more worryingly dogs did not like Robbie, maybe it was the uniform.. ..the heavy breathing changed to a deep throaty growl.....

[teenybash]

'I should have been a painter and decorator instead of this caper,' Robbie muttered to himself 'and you can shut yer face for a start,' he bawled at the labrador, who he had noticed was not growling at him but at...............................

[TBH]

Davy the odd job man who was lying prostrate beside the master-bedroom doorway.

[ciderally]

there was something fishy going on here....

[brokencross]

..a pool of jam all over the floor, a "body" lying on the floor with a mad dog growling at it, shattered dentures everywhere, a big man standing staring daggers at a wee woman. It was one of the strangest scenes Robbie had ever had the misfortune to come across. Taking charge of the situation, Robbie drew himself up to his full height and pronounced.. .. ..

[TBH]

"Ello, ello, ello, What's all this then?"

[brokencross]

Before Mona could open her mouth to explain, toothless Cecil spoke, "Offisher, my name is Stheshil and thish ish my houthe".
Davy sat up suddenly and exclaimed, "Where in the hell am I?" The dog pounced on top of him licking his face with his long lollopping tongue. Mona screamed,.. ..

[JamesMcVean]

Mona screamed - "Arent you a big police man...Is that a truncheon in your pocket or..."

[brokencross]

..am I in the wrong joke?" Mona shouted at the dog, "McManus, put that man down......you don't know where he has been"

[danc1ngwitch]

Erm!! don't you mean where he is?.
Bows elegantly," Welcome to juicy Lu-cy's Brothel.
Greives, Greives old boy, please clean this up."
"Now, your pleasure, Robbie?"

[brokencross]

"I can't have anything, I am a policeman and on duty" he explains while flashing his credentials and rearranging his truncheon. He says to Mona "I would like to know..."

[floyed]

'how i got here'!!! 'What happened to me'!!

[brokencross]

Mona says, "I have no idea what you are doing, or how you got here, nobody called the police. We, that is Cecil, McManus and myself, were just entertaining our new friend Davy when you appeared". Robbie the bobby asks, "This is number 69, isn't it????"

[TBH]

Mona says, "I have no idea what you are doing, or how you got here, nobody called the police. We, that is Cecil, McManus and myself, were just entertaining our new friend Davy when you appeared". Robbie the bobby asks, "This is number 69, isn't it????"Well it was the last time I looked.

[brokencross]

"Oh" says Robbie, "69 was the number given to me on the radio, please tell me this is Orger Street",...

[floyed]

'no sorry it's Orgie street':eek:

[brokencross]

"Orgie Street, oh deary me, I've goofed big style.. .. ..boy am I in trouble, I'll let you get on with your entertaining of Davy, but if I was you I would get your dog off that lad and mop up that jam." Meekly he asks "Could you please direct me to Orgie Street."

[teenybash]

''OOps again... I mean directions for Orger Street.''
he breathed a sigh of relief to get away from the bunch of misfits he had just come across and hoped Orger Street would simply be the usual punch up or bawling match in the street........:confused

[teenybash]

Finally 69 was in sight and he spied Big Bella fae Buckie up to her usual tricks of.............................

[JamesMcVean]

Cat Juggling for cash on the corner, beneath the red light...She had quite a crowd of spectators tossing coins into her big pair of pants that she used as a purse...She spied the rapidly approaching bobby and swept the weighty knickers up and tossed the skreetching felines at him as she made her escape...

[brokencross]

into the woods, leaving Robbie trying catch pussy galore. Their claws made a right mess of Robbies hands and face. He decided not to chase Bella into the woods because.. ..

[floyed]

He had just got his hair done, and there was no way he was getting it messed up it just wasn't worth it!!
4 hours he sat while the women teased and curled his wonderful locks.
If anyone was going into the woods, it was Captain Sparkles his trusted crime fighting super parrot......

[brokencross]

but at the moment Captain Sparkles was rather indisposed, well not really indisposed but more fighting for his life trying to prise open the jaws of one of Bellas cats to free himself.

[floyed]

so he decided to go with plan 2 and unleashed the beast..

[ciderally]

off Bodwick river....

[JamesMcVean]

He pulled out his special whistle and blew a piercing tone that only dogs and River monsters could hear...The river boiled and a long...

[teenybash]

deep throated sighing echoed through marsh marigolds causing them to drop their golden heads in fear. Stickle backs, frogs and newts hid among the weeds along the river bank as............

[brokencross]

Arny the ASBO emerged from the depths, everyone is scared stiff of an ASBO.
So Arny the ASBO proceeded to hunt down Big Bella fae Buckie, into the woods he went singing.. .. ..

[JamesMcVean]

"This Little Light of Mine...I'm Gonna Let It Shine..."

Arnie was armed with a sheaf of ASBO's and as he delved deeper into the dark and dingey woods, he sang just a bit louder to dispel the feelings of dread.

But Bella lay in wait...ready to pounce...Her sweaty grip tight on a ......

[brokencross]

copy of the European Bill of Human rights, she had already marked the page that would be her salvation, page 1134785 appendix 4) sub-section xvi).. ..

[ciderally]

The Bodwick Beast was on the loose, it had the smell of blood in its nostrils.....

[teenybash]

Arnie stopped for a breather, it wasn't easy hulking around his 30 stone frame and thought an ASBO for Bella wasn't quite right as she was anything BUT anti social......in fact she was the opposite and he muttered to himself, ''Forget this....I'm back doon the river fur a bit o' a snooze.
Meanwhile, Robbie thinking everything was in hand patted his well coiffed hair, looked at his fake Rolex and decided if he put a spurt in his step he would manage to get to the Elvis Look alike Contest up at the Drill hall.....He had a good feeling he could be a winner tonight.............

[brokencross]

..if only he could find the right songs, what could be his inspiration?? As usual Robbie couldn't manage to walk and think at the same time, he tripped and fell face down in the mud.
He shook his head, blinked his eyes a couple of times.....not 6" in front of his face were a pair of size 10 hob nail stiletto lace up boots with a fox motif on the side, "OH NOOOO" he exclaimed through his muddy mouth......

[floyed]

'Mother'! 'what are you doing here'??

[brokencross]

Robbies Mam helped him up and get the mud off his whistle.

She said " I heard your special whistle blow and knew you must be in trouble"
Robbie interjected "Mother, I thought only dogs and river monsters could hear my special whistle"

As she smacked him on his muddy Elvis quiff she said "Don't you be rude aboot your dear old Mam; so what do we do now Robbie???"

[floyed]

'We my son, are going to get in my Aston Martin V12 Vanquish and get the hell out off here'.

'Where will we go' asked Robbie

'I don't know about you but i am starving'

'I am rather peckish, I could murder a big mac' said Robbie

'Mcdonalds it is lets go'

They arrived at Mcdonalds, there was an eeriee silence, where was everyone and why was there red clown noses every where......

[brokencross]

the Comic Relief Red Nose Day had obviously been a success but where was everyone, especially Ronald Macdonald............there was always someone at Old Macdonald's Farm....Robbie exclaimed "EE-I-EE-I-OH what now mither??"

[floyed]

'I have a very big urge to go into the farm house, its like something is pulling me in there'

'Ok i will come with you' said Robbie

They crept into the farm house and entered a small hall way, they took a right, then a left, then a right and came to a big door with a clowns face on it.

'Sh sh sh ould we go in there'?, i have a b b b bad feeling about this' Robbie said with a stutter

'My instincts are telling me to go in'

So mother slowly opened the door and..........

[ciderally]

....the man in the wellyboots, stood in the shadows and watched them...they wont get out of here now, he thought to himself...a dark cloud passed over the full moon and all went into darkness....

[floyed]

'AAAAHHHHH who turned out the lights'

'It was me'! Said the man in the shadows. 'your long lost, great great granda Adnan, i have to come to tell you you are in grave danger'...............

[brokencross]

Robbie turned to his Mam and screeched "I thought Alkie Adnan was locked up in Barlinnie"........."WAS" boomed Alkie Adnan, "WAS LOCKED UP".
Robbie swore violently under his breath.....Robbies Mam physically shook in her size 10 hob nail stiletto lace up boots with a fox motif on the side. Alkie Adnan lumbered forward and.. .. ..

[floyed]

Started doing the The Chicken Dance (popular in American in the 1950s)..............

[teenybash]

'' Ye see....a've still got ma sense o' rythm.'' and he added a few clucks here and there for better effect. He ground to a halt when his arms began to ache with flapping and clutched at Robbie. ''Yer in danger son and it's yer ain fault fur callin' up Arnie the Asbo tae go efter Big Bella fae Buckie.''
He stopped to catch his breath. '' The last I seen o' him wis behind your polis station wi' a lump o' duck weed hingin' oot his ear and he..............

[brokencross]

had the wildest of looks in his third eye, the other two were crossed as usual."
It was the maddest, baddest, worstest and ugliest that Alkie Adnan had ever seen Arnie the ASBO who kept chanting, "No not again Bella, No not again Bella, No not again Bella" in a haunting, fearful tone. Robbie wondered....

[ciderally]

...if this was all just a dream...

[floyed]

...he pinched himself and it didn't hurt, It must be a dream!!

He started to open his eyes, he saw a glimmer of light opening his eyes fully he could see that he was laying in the barn of his farm, on the golden hay bales.

Beside him was his companion Kipper with his legs in the air snoring softly.

He got up and went out of the barn, he could not believe his eyes when he step out into the sunshine there was................

[teenybash]

reality.
Davey, at last had got out of the Big House, glad to have escaped from the crazy happenings he had innocently found himself involved in and made his way home.
As he walked he thought to himself, '' you never know what goes on behind closed doors.''

Arnie clumped down High Street with his ladders over his shoulder and a bucket hanging precariously on the end. He was heading to number 14 to do Bellas windows.........................

[floyed]

Mean while back at the farm there was a very strange smell coming from the little stream beside the apple orchard a green mist was rising up into the sky...........

[teenybash]

like coiling tendrils twisting and weaving through the high grasses and up into the treetops. Kippers nose twitched as he drank the strange scent through flared nostrils waking him from his dreams. He bounded, like a pup out through the barn doors and down to the mist shrouded stream............

[joxville]

...to find Davey lying face down in the stream. He smelled awful, like cheap perfume mixed with rotting veg. Then Kipper noticed that Davey had been sick, sick from too much alcohol...yes, Davey is an alcoholic and had drunk cheap perfume.........

[brokencross]

Kipper, a resourceful mutt, thought "If only Davey had fallen down a mine shaft and broken a leg; I could do a Lassie and go and bark at people and they would know exactly what I meant and follow me."
Kipper had a think, scratching his right ear with his right hind leg and promptly fell over. He had forgotten he only had three legs as he had lost one in a car crash. Meanwhile Davey puked some more and........

[teenybash]

gurgled his last breath and died. He could feel himself floating upward, through the mist and beyond the great shining light. Big Bella fae Buckie stood smiling beside Arnie who had fallen off his ladder just as Bella came out her front door......he never managed to finish her windows.
'Landed on top o' me,' Bella said with a sigh. 'Ah thocht ma luck wis in, but he jist squashed the life oot o' me and smashed his ain skull in.' She sighed again.
Davey scratched his head. 'What is this place............................

[brokencross]

is it Heaven or Hell, how do you tell.. ..I can't see for that stupid great shining light and this thick mist.. .. could be worse I could be in the Big Brother House.. .. ..suddenly the mist cleared, the light dimmed and..............

[joxville]

...Matthew Kelly said,"Yes Davey, tonight you are going to be".......

[JamesMcVean]

...burning in eternal torment....mwahahaahaha
Matthew Kelly suddenly turned bright red and a pair of small white horns burst through the skin of his forehead...He turned to Davy and gave a wide smile of perfect pointed fangs...
Dave tuned white...swallowed and said....

[brokencross]

"mwahahaahaha.. ..mwahahaahaha is that the best you can do?? It will take more than a simple mwahahaahaha to scare me." trying his hardest to sound brave.
There was suddenly a strong smell of cheap perfume.. .. .. in his panic Davey had done a bottom burp. Matthew Kelly let out another "mwahahaahaha" and started to boke at the pungent, putrid, perfume pong emanating from Daveys direction.
Davey looked at Matthew who was no longer red but turning a sickly green and said.. ..

[floyed]

'Take that you idiot' he turned and ran up the stairs............

[brokencross]

leaving Matthew Kelly in the pongy perfumey haze,.. the smell of fear.. .. ..Not daring to look back Davey could hear the faint sound of coughs interspersed with a sickly feeble mwahahaahaha.
Davey thought to himself, "Am I really dead or is this just one helluva nightmare....how can I prove it?? I know I'll.. .. ..

[joxville]

...phone the Samaratins.

Samaratin "Hello caller,what's your name and how can I help"?

Davey "Hi, my name is Davey. Can you tell me how I know if I'm dead"

Samaratin "My name is Percy. If I start to bore you with details then you'll wish you were dead"

Davey *click*, "Damn, I'll need to think of some other way"....






N.B. The samaratin named Percy is purely fictional.

[brokencross]

Continuing to put distance between himself and the pong and Matthew Kelly, as he walked he saw a crowd being addressed by John Fitzgerald Kennedy, in the crowd were Elvis, Buddy Holly, Sir Winston Churchill, John Lennon, Martin Luther King plus many others.. .. ..Davey was far too polite to interrupt them and ask if he was dead so he carried on his merry way towards a bright light and some big gates..

[teenybash]

He walked through the gates and into the illuminated area beyond where his eyes were caught by a stoutish man wearing a bright yellow top hat, red tail coat and buckled shoes. ''Come in my lad and take the journey of your dreams...........'' he said pointing with a walking cane to a large neon sign saying Cloud Hopping Tours ''If you put a step on it you can be off in a matter of minutes...all you have to do is climb aboard...................

[teenybash]

Davey...................

[JamesMcVean]

Davey looked from the man to the sign and back at the yellow hatted man and thought...step on board what?

Allow me to show you...a voice echoed into davey's empty head.

Just then the wee yellow hatted dude blew a piercing whistle and a giant white gryffon swooped from the clouds and landed before the astonished and somewhat terrified davey...

"Cloud Dancer, take this fellow on a tour..."

[brokencross]

Davey screeched.."WEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee".

Cloud Dancer says "OH You are enjoying the tour then??"

"NO" says Davey "I need a wee."

Fearing a nasty mid air toilet trauma Cloud Dancer swoops down and.. .. ..

[JamesMcVean]

lands in the United States...Texas...the Alamo to be precise...
Davey leaps from the beast's back and begins to relieve himself...when all of a sudden Ozzy Osbourne pops up from nowhere and says...

[ciderally]

SHARONNNNNNNN.........this ........ dog is ........ everywhare

[JamesMcVean]

Suddenly a State Trooper pops out from behind the wall, he looks at the steaming puddle of fresh urine and turns to Ozzy...
"You! Again! Taking a Leak on the Alamo! This time you will get the Chair Boy!"
Ozzy began to vibrate as a bout of tremors shook his frame...as he is bundled into the back of an awaiting patrol car...
Davey watches the car vanish and turns to the Gryphon...

[ciderally]

Sharon appears from within the depths of the old manor house....lipstick in hand...Davey is stunned at the sight of her......but all is not what it seems....

[JamesMcVean]

"YOU!" sharon shouted at Davey..."Ozzy didnt pee on the alamo this time...YOU DID!"
Her eyes flashed fire as she thrust her lipstick at Davey...
It was about then that the Gryphon attacked...

[teenybash]

its mighty wings spread wide revealing a deeply muscled chest that heaved with rage at the pathetic human souls who dared to squabble over nothing more than pee.
The Gryphons nostrils flared and eyes turned crimson with furious rage as its talons tore through the air its powerful arms slashing towards Sharon and Davey..................

[brokencross]

Luckily for Davey the Gryphon attacked Sharon first; thats when they both found out the Gryphon was allergic to silicone and botox. The talons tore into Sharons face and ample bosom.. ..botox laden tissue and silicone gel spurted everywhere in gay abandon. The Gryphon turned a blotchy red, started shaking and jabbering incoherently. Daveys first thought was Ozzy must be allergic to silicone and botox as well because the symptoms were so similar. Then he saw the Gryphon turn away and diasappear into the distance, he turned to a flat chested, wrinkle faced Sharon and said........

[teenybash]

'You're not the lovely Sharon.....You look like some some auld wizard escaped from the pages of a book.'
'You are absolutely right Davey me lad.' came the loud reply amidst a great flurry of arms, legs, wands, falling stars, pointy hats and sparkley capes.... 'I am none other than the great Wizard of Oz!!!!!!!'

[JamesMcVean]

Davey gave an exaggerated sigh...
"If I click my tackity boots together three times and say 'There's no place like home!' will I waken up in Caithness?"
The Wizard gave a wicked laugh and pointed his lipstick wand at Davey...turning his favorite old boots into a pair of emerald green stillettos...

[ciderally]

rather like these...said Davey with a strange smile ....is it time now to come out of the closit? he thinks to himself.....but just as the thought entered his head....

[JamesMcVean]

"...Don't Dream it...Be it...Don't Dream it...Be it..."
Suddenly his inhibitions fled and in a moment of wild impulse he ripped open his shirt to reveal...

[teenybash]

his well oiled pecs...he was dancing, girating his slim hips, while sweet words echoed around him...'Pooh Pooh Bee doo, I wanna be kissed by you....' Pink pouting lips hovered and then squealed with delight. 'Those shoes Davey..........I must have them. They are soooooooo...'
'Marilyn.' Davey sighed...........

[ciderally]

cant be thinking those dirty thoughts...Davey said out loud...you know what mother would do if she caught you....he started looking for his wellies, safer with the wellies...now whare did that Sharon thing go....just then

[brokencross]

Ozzy reappeared and he did not look too happy; he screamed at the top of his gravelly voice......

[ciderally]

SHARONNNNNN........but the Sharon he loved and had known was gone for good....Ozzy was a broken man...nothing left but a half eaten bat and ....Davey..
Ozzy licked his lips, as his eyes took in the picture of davey in his wellies, a droplet of blood escaped from the side of his mouth and dropped off his chin.....he started towards davey.....

[teenybash]

eerily grinning, the sunlight glinting menacingly on his specially designed sharp white veneers. Daveys hand fluttered nervously around his throat as Ozzy lunged at him furiously, his black acrylic nails clawing the air, just a hairs breath away from Daveys..................................

[brokencross]

rather large, protruding nose. Trying to make light of things Davey shouted "Oy Ozzy watch my proboscis".
Ozzy looked blank, "Proboscis?? Is it catching?? I think Kelly had proboscis when she was little and Sharon put some cream on it!!"
Davey shook his head (and his proboscis) and said.....

[JamesMcVean]

"Ozzy! How did you get away from the police?"
"I didnt," Ozzy said mysteriously with a toothy grin.
He reached into his UnMetal Manbag and slowly pulled out the gore dripping head of the police officer..."He is right here!"
Davey went whiter than a Daz advert and...

[brokencross]

gave out the loudest, longest "EEEEEEEEEEeeeek" as he recognised the disembodied head as that of Robbie the cowardly Bobby who he had seen earlier in the day.
Davey says to Ozzy "Why have got Robbie the Bobby's Bodyless Bonce in your bag?" Ozzy looks at Davey and.........

[ciderally]

Gee whiz man that was more a mouthfull than THE BAT...but I likes the look of youuuu.....walk this way....as ozzy put one of his boney arms round Davey's shoulder....

[teenybash]

'Ozeeee' Sharons voice screeched 'Now you be a good boy for mummykins and leave that poor man alone.' She hoisted her sags and bags of loose skin and draped them over her arm, making her way towards.................

[brokencross]

Ozzy who was nibbling on Daveys ear. "MMMmmmm" said Ozzy. "AAAAaaarrghhh" said Davey.
"OZZY, PUT HIM DOWN NOW, you don't know where he has been" shouted Sharon. This distracted Ozzy enough for Davey to pull away, draw himself up to his full 4' 9" and say "Sharon.. .. Ozzy, I must tell you a secret about me which no man or woman alive knows..... ......

[JamesMcVean]

...on the outside I might look like a sad and pathetic creature, spewed up on the path of life by a cruel and twisted fate...but I am really...

[brokencross]

a reject from the X Factor, Big Brother and Britain's Got Talent. All I need is the right break and I can be as famous as..........

[teenybash]

'Now, now, now,' Sharon cut in quickly hoping to stop the whinging she had heard so many times before. 'I think you are the best Wannabe I have ever came across and that is something you can always be proud of.'
Daveys face creased into a smile. 'You mean I really am the best Wannabe.....EVER?'
'Sure do Hun, so go and find your fame Davey.' she said while absent mindedly rearranging her wrinkles and added, 'The world waits Davey and they are waiting for....................

[brokencross]

"YOU, yes YOU! The world loves a trier and I can assure you that you are very trying. You don't need talent to get on, just look at Ozzy, Jack, Kelly and me.

Davey you can be whatever you want to be, just follow the Osbourne motto, "IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED.......SWEAR A LOT".

Davey thinks to himself "That must work...they all swear a lot and they are all famous. But my dear old Mam told me it is bad to swear, but needs must, I'll give it a go". Just as he was about to explode with expletives he heard a voice deep inside himself, whispering gently.. .. .. .. ..

[JamesMcVean]

...Daaaavvvvyyyyyy....don't listen to her....you are teetering on the brink of eternal damnation...You are inbetween heaven and hell...one foot on each shore....Davey looked down and sure enough one of his feet was....

[brokencross]

standing on an old HELLO magazine and his big toe was covering the "O" so that foot sure was in HELL.
He looked at his other foot, Ozzy was licking it and kept muttering, "This is HEAVEN". So the voice was right.
Davey started to panic, he did not like making decisions, "HEAVEN or HELL.. .. ..HEAVEN or HELL", he kept hummimg.
Sharon looked at Davey and said "Heaven or Hell would make a good song to make you famous, all you need is a good tune to go with it, what about........"

[teenybash]

But davey wasn't listening, his mind preoccupied in trying to figure out his situation. Suddenly an idea came to mind... he would find the Gryphon and ask him afterall, they were regal, courageous and filled with the wisdom of the ages..but how could he find him.
A large ball of white vapour suddenly appeared and out stepped the man in the bright yellow top hat and called out loudly, 'Roll up, roll up Cloud Hopping Tours is about to depart........'
That's it, I'll go to skies where the Gryphon flew off too and..................

[teenybash]

but Davey found himself stuck.................

[brokencross]

for some inexplicable reason, probably Ozzys extremely hot breath, had melted the soles of his boots and they were "welded" to Ozzys tongue.
Davey kicked off the melting boots, grabbed the Gryphon by the talons, which were short and curly, and screeched Geronimo. The Gryphon feeling his talons being tugged took off like a bat out of hell and headed straight for.. .. .. ..

[ciderally]

The Camps Bar ......i dont beleive this thought Davey...how could i have gone to Hell.....just then the door of the bar slammed open and in walked....

[brokencross]

the infamous McBain Barber Shop Quartet. The Five bearded brothers (they were never good at sums) stood there in their full kilted regalia, i.e. McBain Tartan mini-kilts, Mickey Mouse sporrans, Scotland football shirts with Kiss Me Quick Tam O' Shanters set at a jaunty angle. Donnie McBain glared at Davey, "Now Davey ma lad, I have a few wee questions for you; first of all.. .. ..

[ciderally]

how come ozzy is running around in your wellies? Davey started to panic....gotta get out of here...he ran the wrong way and ended up in the gents...

[brokencross]

and standing there with a big felt tip pen was Moira Macaloon. (She used to be in the McBain Barber Shop Quartet but got kicked out when she shaved her beard off). She had scrawled across the cracked mirror I LOVE DAVEY but below it she had also written DAVEY OR DEATH. This gaffiti just added to Daveys woes....decisions, decisions....did he go back in the bar and face Donnie McBain man to man or does he stay in the gents and face Moira Macaloon man to monster. "OK Davey, stay cool," he thought to himself, " I know I'll..................

[teenybash]

climb up and oot the wee window above the toilet pan.' He stood wobbling on the plastic toilet seat, gripping the narrow window sill with sweaty fingers.
'And where dae ye think yer gon, wee man!!' a familiar voice boomed as strong hands gripped his ankles.....................

[brokencross]

Davey muttered "There was a pretty wee butterfly trying to get out the window so I was helping it get out, I like pretty little things".
The familiar voice boomed out "Don't you dare tell me fibs, come down here now and I'll show you pretty little thing".
Davey gulped and slowly started to climb down and turn towards the booming voice.........

[joxville]

..and there before him, with a megaphone and a scowl that would peel paint from a battleship stood Graham Norton....

[brokencross]

in the most obscene, brightly, multi-coloured, sequined vest and underpants. Davey sneered, "Ah, its only you". Graham Norton put the megaphone back to his mouth and screamed.......

[teenybash]

'Davey....This is Your Life.' and he pulled out the red leather book from under his sequins.
Davey spluttered and spattered. 'Yyye mean A'm goin on the telly?' he blurted out.
Graham smiled widely. 'Why no Davey, you're not going on the telly.....you are already on it!' and he pointed to the hidden camera poking out of the .......................

[brokencross]

...empty loo roll holder.
Davey said "Funny that; I saw the camera but thought nothing of it; just thought that Donnie McBain was up to his usual tricks with his own weird x-rated version of "You've Been Framed" or "Candid Camera".
Graham says "Come on now Davey you have a lot of memories to relive, so I'll start before we get to the TV studio. DAVEY OSBOURNE, long lost love child of Ozzy and Sharon, this is your......."
"Hangonjustaminute" says Davey, "My name is Davey Duff, my mam and dad are from Springfield in America and own a beer making firm".
Graham Norton camply exclaims...................

[ciderally]

Oh Lovey...that is sooooo not true...let me tell you the right storey.....your mam and dad are..........

[teenybash]

are no longer here.....
' Ye mean they're dead?????' Davey, for some reason felt quite upset and felt himself filling up.
Graham Norton became quite annoyed at this display of emotion and snapped. 'Well, if you're going to blubber,I won't tell you anymore...........'
A gaggle of heads appeared round the toilet door and shouting. 'Go on tell us if you won't tell him..........................

[teenybash]

Davey had stopped listening.....he was stuck, waiting on someone to write the next line and get him out of.............................

[wifie]

this miserable toilet and transport him to......................

[laguna2]

... the island of his dreams, where the sun always shone and palm trees swayed in the gentle breeze .......

[brokencross]

so off he set to Stroma with his life in his back pack.."Hiiiii..Hoooooh, Hi Hoh its off to paradise we go" he sang gaily as he went....

[laguna2]

.. wonder if there is a diamond mine on this island - I might even meet Snow White he thought to himself. First of all though, I have to find a boat to take me across to the island. Now how ................

[brokencross]

do I find a friendly fisherman that will take me safely across the Merry Men of Mey, or I could.....

[laguna2]

... always try to build a raft and sail across myself :D Pity it is too late to enter the Scrabster Raft race! Eventually he arrived at the shore and much to his surprise he saw ...........

[brokencross]

a voluptuous, large breasted blonde girl holding a sign STROMA or BUST.
"Nice of you to give me a choice" Davey said, "but as much as I like your bust, I must go to Stroma and find this diamond mine".
"No silly" said the blonde "I want...........

[laguna2]

to go over to Stroma and I am looking for someone to take me there! Oh, said Davey ... perhaps we could travel together ... and get to know each other ... and .... Hrmph!!!! Davey turned round to be confronted by a huge woman - twice his size and three times as ugly. I forgot to say, said the blonde, my mother is with me!!!! Ah well, in that case, said Davey ...........

[northener]

".....with someone as large and powerful as your mother, we could steal a rowing boat and make our own way across.

With a beard as big as that we could say your mother is a lighthouse keeper and needs the boat to check the lighthouse light on Stroma!"

The mothers eyes bored into him from beneath two eyebrows that looked like overweight weasels, she then took a deep breath and bellowed......

[laguna2]

.. what a good idea! Let's see if we can find someone gullible enough to believe the lighthouse keeper story. With that she lumbered off singing "Yo ho ho and a bottle of lemonade" (she was teetotal!) The blonde girl and Davey trotted after her. What's your name Davey asked the blonde. Oh it's ...............

[brokencross]

Nellie Ursula Maggie Patricia Tanya Yvonne Dumpty but my friends call me NUMPTY.
Davey said "Ooh thats nice"...He jokingly then said "I suppose your mam is called Humpty and your second name is Dumpty"..Numpty giggled and said "How did you guess?".
Davey exclaimed "Enough of this idle chit chat lets find a boat and get under way". Numpty reached out and held his hand and.........

[laguna2]

... smiled sweetly at him. Davey sighed, here I go again he thought! Meanwhile Humpty Dumpty was legging it towards an unsuspecting fisherman who was sitting in the sun smoking his pipe without a care in the world - or so he thought! Oi, you, Mrs Dumpty roared, gie us yir boat or al pull yir heed off! The fisherman took one look at the vision thundering towards him - and fled, leaving his boat unguarded. Oh, said Mrs D - how nice of him to leave his boat for us. With that Humpty, Numpty and Davey all ...........

[wifie]

pushed the freshly painted rowing boat towards the water and jumped in. There was much wobbling and huge ripples extended out all around them as the boat set on it's way into the stiffening breeze. Davey lifted his head, took a deep breath of the fresh sea air and............

[laguna2]

let out a roar - we forgot the oars! Don't worry about that said Mrs Dumpty, I have a clean pair of bloomers in my handbag - we can use them as a sail. And they did, and it worked, and they were soon jumping ashore on the isle of Stroma. Let's look for somewhere to set up camp said Numpty (first time she had spoken for ages). They tied the boat to a nearby tree (on Stroma??) and walked ..............................

[brokencross]

up the shore a little way.
Davey looked up, and up, and up and up in the sky. "OOhh, Numpty by name, Numpty by nature..your blooming mothers, blooming bloomers have blown us too far and off course all the way to the Old Man of Hoy". Humpty screamed "Whoopeee, I like old men". Numpty started to cry uncontrollably, sobbing away she says..........

[laguna2]

"mother always seems to cause little problems!" "Little problems!" said Davey - "little problems - you mean great big monumental problems don't you! Back to the boat". But as they approached the boat, it suddenly started to sail off to sea! It wasn't a tree that they had tied it too at all - it was the Pentland Firth Monster in disguise! As the boat bobbed behind it, they could hear the monster laughing manically! "Now what will we do" whimpered Numpty. "Not a lot we can do" said Davey - "unless ................

[wifie]

Davey turned to Humpty and said, "What else do you have in that handbag?" He thought that Mrs D was bound to have some food in there and sure enough she pulled out a large german salami she had purchased on a recent visit to a stall at the Highland Show. Davey cut into it with his trusty Swiss Army Knife releasing the delectable aroma from within. The monster stopped in it's wake and, with the scent of sausage in it's nostrils, it charged towards the shore dragging the boat behind. Dave stood there............

[laguna2]

.. waving the sausage in the air and shouting "come on you big jessie you". "I didn't know it was called Jessie said Mrs Dumpty" "You learn something new every day" said Davey in a sarcastic voice. The monster bore down on him then, at the very last second, it screeched to a halt and asked, in a very polite voice "May I have some sausage please?" "Only if you give us the boat back" said Davey "Boat? What boat" asked the monster "The one that is tied to your tail" said Numpty in a quavering voice. "Never even noticed it" Said the monster and with a flick of her tail the boat landed on the beach. "By the way" said the monster "my name is Madonna, not Jessie" and with that it swam away and disappeared into the mist which was coming in fast! "All aboard" said Davey .........................

[teenybash]

'We are about to take the cruise of a lifetime. C'mon mother hoist yer drawers up the mast and' we'll set sail.'
With the drawers flapping in the wind Davey took the tiller and with a good wind blowing he set off for......................

[laguna2]

the mystical Isle of Stroma once more. The mist grew thicker. Davey started to worry about what they might meet. Mrs Humpty fidgeted in her seat. "Stay at peace woman ... you'll have the boat over if you aren't careful!" "Are we nearly there?" asked Numpty. "Shut up!" chorused Mrs Dumpty and Davey! "Shhhhhhhhhhhh" said Davey "Can you hear that?" "What" asked Mrs D "That" said Davey. It was the sound of a ship's engine, and it was getting closer and closer and closer and arghhhhhhhhhhhhh .....

[brokencross]

a massive bow wave splashed into the Davey and Dumptys boat, soaking them to the skin with very cold Pentland Firth freezing froth and spume.
Humpty's false teeth started to chatter loudly and Numpty's knees knocked so much, Davey couldn't hear himself think. "What to do? what to do?" davey thought aloud.
As Davey was about to tell the Dumptys to shut up, the mist cleared as quickly as it came and right ahead was.........

[laguna2]

..Stroma - the lovely isle of Stroma! Davey heaved a sigh of relief (he would have heaved the anchor but he didn't have one). Right, we paddle from here he said and jumped over the side of the boat. Reluctanctly Mrs Dumpty and Miss Dumpty followed him. "It's freezing" they screamed in unison. "Oh stop moaning and get on the beach" growled Davey - he was good at growling having taken a growling certificate course at the local College. "We need to find shelter" said Davey - Mrs Dumpty opened her huge handbag and pulled out a 6 man tent. "Jings I knew your bag could carry a lot, but a 6 man tent!". "Let's get this tent up and look for some firewood" suggested Numpty who could come up with sensible ideas on the odd occasion - very odd occasion! So they started to look for a suitable site for the tent .........

[brokencross]

but the Stroma camp site had closed down years before due to an earlier credit crunch.
"It will have to be nice and flat and near the shops and the toilets" said Numpty showing her blond streak. Humpty suggested they would have to find three other people because it was a six man tent and there was only three of them. These less than helpful suggestions made Davey wonder if having Numpty and Dumpty along was a good idea. He turned to them both and.............

[wifie]

said, "OK ladies I am takin you back in the boat and we are headin for the bright lights of Caithness. I can tell you are both very sophisticated and the solitude of Stroma will not suit you at all." With a determined air he gathered up the tent and headed for the shore once more with Numpty and Humpty giggling excitedly behind him.
Pushing away from the shallows and jumping in the boat Davey.........

[teenybash]

headed straight for Wick and deposited Numpty and Humpty on board the nearest float..............by coicidence it was Wick Gala..............last he saw of them was chatting up a couple of pirates and a couple of clowns................

[wifie]

Now Davey was at a loose end in Wick so he........

[laguna2]

... decided to go and look up some of his old mates. But where would they be on gala night ........

[brokencross]

he asked around to see where they were. He asked loads of people and they all came up with the same answer, "Your mates are dressed as a couple of pirates and a couple of clowns".
Yeeees, you are right, Davey's mates were being "entertained" by Humpty and Numpty on the back of a float. Decisions, decisions thought Davey..do I go and meet my mates and be reunited with Humpty and Numpty (fiends reunited morelike) or I could........

[wifie]

head for that lovely town of Thurso and see what 'e craic is there........ So many decisions for poor Davey, his head was spinnin and what with the noise from the passing floats................. suddenly Davey found himself in what felt like a vortex. The colours were vivid and far reaching and seemed to sweep him up into the air. Up, up, up he went until..............

[laguna2]

... he landed in the country of Oz (not Australia Oz but Wizard of Oz Oz). Thump!!!! he hit the ground. "Oy you, watch my dog" yelled a girl wearing red shoes "you nearly squashed poor Toto". "Sorry about that" said Davey ........

[teenybash]

But you should watch where you're puttin your feet feet and your toto wouldn't nearly get squashed.'
Davey looked here and there and round about with a puzzled expression. 'Where is this place anyway? And more to the point.....................

[laguna2]

... why have I come back ... I was here ages ago ... is this what they call day-cha-voo he wondered? "Whatever" said a voice - "Am I bovvered"? "Lord above", Davey thought ........ "how did I get into an episode of Dr Who ..... Have I landed in Castletown ...... the Tardis appeared there at the weekend "............ "My son" boomed a mysterious voice "Come to me and I shall lead you to ..............................................

[teenybash]

a place you have never been before.' the tall figure beckoned Davey to follow.
Davey was fear filled, mingled with excitement and asked in a childlike voice. 'Did you just say...mmmy son.........' he stuttered out.
'I did Davey lad.' Was the simple answer.
Davey dared to ask..... one more question. 'Does that mean you...................

[laguna2]

... are - my father?" croaked Davey. "Eh? Dinna be so daft" roared the voice "I am the Doctor - Dr Which - the last watch lord (so called cos I love watching people from behind the net curtains of my trusty spaceship - the Pansy). There it is over there" He said pointing to the blue box standing in the square. "What do the initials P A N S Y stand for" asked Davey who was completely mesmerised by the whole thing. "Absolutely nothing" said the Dr "I just love pansies". The Dr shook himself - "Come" he said to Davey "let's travel" and he dragged Davey into the Pansy. Once inside Davey was amazed at just how ............... tiny the bloomin' thing was - so tiny that they had to no room to sit down and when the Dr started to fiddle with the controls he kept elbowing Davey in the stomach! Suddenly the engine sprang into life and ..................

[teenybash]

began to struggle with the door till it finally flew open and he tumbled out, landing on the back of Donald Duck. 'Hey what ya doin' fella?' he quacked with indignation. 'Can't ya see am doin' ma thing in this parade.'
Donald was dressed as a cowboy and swiped Davey off his back with his lassoo. 'Damn tourists......' he muttered as Davey............................

[wifie]

turned to look into the largest pair of green eyes he had ever seen. "Hello," said their owner in a soft lilting voice. Davey.............

[laguna2]

felt his heart begin to pound .................... it was a mermaid! A mermaid! "Would you like some fish" stuttered Davey - it was the only thing he could think to say! "Don't be so stupid" hissed the mermaid "I have already eaten". "I have been sent to find you" she continuned "I have been instructed to take you back to the idyllic isle of Stroma". "Who by?! asked Davey. "By ..................................

[wifie]

"King Strome of the waters round Stroma. He is lookin for a successor to marry his one and only daughter, ..............

[teenybash]

Daveys heart was poundin' like a runaway train and he was heavin an pantin' but he managed to blurt out. 'Ye don't mean Stroman Ina Gloamin the mystical beauty that is only seen on a night with a full moon and a L in the month.....................

[laguna2]

"Right first time" said the mermain "We call her Stig for short - she was in Top Gear for a while you know!" "No wonder they never let her take off her crash helmet.... she is as ugly as sin!" gasped Davey. "And she has a temper to match, so we better hurry up and get over to the island or she'll erupt". said the mermain abruptly. "But there is no L in the month" cried Davey "No, but it's been an L of a month so it will be OK" said the mermaid. She grabbed Davey's hand and dragged him towards the cold Pentland Firth ................

[Welcomefamily]

He tried to think on the bright side, at least if she ugly he wont have to worry about her running running off with any one from Thurso, and at least with those maggot producing sores on her legs, he be ok for fishing bait. When he thought of fishing, his mind begain to drift off when suddenly he felt an......

[laguna2]

... tug on his sleeve. "Wake up .... we have to get over to Stroma quick smart" said the Mermaid impatiently. "How are we going to get there?" asked Davey in a dreamy sort of voice. "Swim you Numpty" said the mermaid. "Numpty, Numpty, don't tell me she has resurfaced" said Davey looking around nervously. The mermaid dragged him into the cold water ..... after what seemed an absolute age, she dragged Davey onto dry land - they had arrived in Stroma! "Don't make me do that again" begged Davey "It was freeeeeeeeezing!" His teeth chattered uncontrollably. "Stop being a big girl's blouse" spat the Mermaid. "We are here now". Davey heard a noise and as he looked around he saw ......................

[Welcomefamily]

four of the best looking mermaids he had ever seen, but then he had only seen five in total. We have been sent by Ina to help you settle in and meet your every desire they said in a sort of gentle harmony that made him feel at ease, what can we do for you they asked????

[laguna2]

Davey's imagination started to run riot! Then he thought to himself "Calm down, calm down ... you could get into a lot of trouble here!" "I would like some dry clothes and a bite to eat if you please" said Davey ever so politely. "Oooooooooooo get him" said one of the mermaids "ever so posh int he?" The mermaids all laughed making Davey feel a little uncomfortable! "Oy" roared a loud voice from somewhere in the trees at the top of the beach "bring that man here - he's mine!" Davey strained to see who had spoken these words. The mermaids grabbed his arms and dragged him towards the trees. Suddenly, emerging out of the gloom Davey could see ........

[wifie]

S T I G. An extremely well built young woman with biceps bigger than Davey's own. She had flame red hair and a complexion to match. The spangles on the bikini she wore glinted in the hint of moonlight that was starting to show above the horizon. Davey began to think the magic of television was highly underated, surely the vision he saw before him could not have been that of the white racing suited, crash helmet wearing person who haired round the track on Top Gear. Stroman's face broke into a grin revealing.........

[laguna2]

... the most horrible teeth you can ever imagine. "No NHS dentist available on Stroma" thought Davey. "Lordie, now I see the value of the crash helmet!!!"
"Approach little man" boomed Ina. Davey looked around "Me, little man?" he squeaked "less of the little if you don't mind" he added. As he sidled towards the vision that was Ina he looked for a means of escape. There seemed to be no hope of that when suddenly one of the mermaids ....................

[wifie]

pushed Davey into a wheelbarrow that was standing nearby and raced towards the tide edge! S T I G could be heard thundering behind whilst the other mermaids could only look on in amazement! Into the waves Davey and Sabine plunged, her beautiful legs becoming an even more lovely tail of shimmering greens. Down through the water they sped until..........

[laguna2]

... they reached the lost city of Atlantis - no wonder no-one could find it! They had all been looking in the wrong place ... it had been in the Pentland Firth all the time! Sabine towed Davey through streets lined with beautiful statues and coral. At last they stopped infront of ............

[teenybash]

a sporting arena with its tiered seating all around. Sabine explained, 'This is where we come for our entertainment.' She smiled and with a ripple of excitement added. 'Today is a special day when the fastest sea horses in the land will race for the King Neptune Cup.'
Davey was mesmerised and..........................

[laguna2]

watched in awe as the most beautiful seahorses he had ever seen paraded round the track. They were all colours of the rainbow and they gleamed in the watery sunlight. "Would you like to place a bet" asked the mermaid. Davey thought about it and then remembered his mother warning him about the evils of drink and gambling. Ah well, he had ignored the warning about drink so he might as well have a little flutter too! He looked at the race card. One name jumped out at him - HUMPTY DUMPTY! Well, if that wasn't an omen - what was! "I'll have 10 seashells each way on Blue Vodka" he said - no way was he having anything to do with the Dumptys again - and the name "Blue Vodka" reminded him vaguely of another horse, in another time, in another place ......................

[wifie]

Davey's mind wandered back to his days racing in the Stirkoke Cup after the county show! His horse, Blue Vodka, was a wonderful beast to behold! Chestnut in colour and keen to run.................. There was a tug on his shirt - it was Sabine indicating that the race was about to start and they should find a good vantage point. They moved forward and...............

[teenybash]

fixed their eyes on King Neptune who had stood up, surveyed the crowd that filled the arena and raising his trident high, signalled the race to begin. The sea horses swooshed over the starting line leaving behind them a trail of colourful bubbles exciting a group of bright pink urchins who bobbed up and down. Davey called out, above the sounds of excited chatter. 'That looks like Frankie Detorri on the back of that big blue character?' he looked puzzled. Sabine explained. 'All the great sportmen from the past and present visit here during their dream time............'
But Daveys eyes were now fixed on Blue Vodka who......................

[laguna2]

was lying (well actually swimming) third! As the horses came into the final straight Blue Vodka seemed to find wings and passed the second horse - now only one horse in front to catch! The jockey urged Blue Vodka on, the horse in the lead seemed to stand still so fast was Blue Vodka! Yard by yard, foot by foot, inch by inch Blue Vodka closed the gap - the finish line came closer and closer, Blue Vodka stretch out his neck and as they crossed the finish line ...................................

[teenybash]

neck and neck, it was a photo finish and would have to go to a stewards decision.
'Damn,' said Davey.
Sabine patted his arm. 'All is not lost yet, you could yet be a winner.' she smiled.
Everyone was watching over at the stewards , who were made up of four fat sea slugs and a large excitable octopus whose tentacles flailed and thrashed the water as it called out. 'We have a winner!!!!' He paused for a moment to compose himself before announcing calmly and with great dignity, 'The winner of the King Neptune Cup is................................' :eek:

[laguna2]

... going to be announced after we have had a wee cuppie tea!" The crowd groaned. "Only joking" said the Octopus. "The winer is Blue Vodka". Davey jumped up and down with excitement ... "Let's go collect your winnings" said Sabine. Afterwards, as they sat sipping champagne Sabine asked Davey what he would like to do next. After much thought Davey said ................................

[wifie]

"Well, I really am rather hungry - feel like I haven't eaten for days!" Sabine's eyes sparkled with mischief! "In that case Davey," she said....................

[teenybash]

'I'll treat you to a plate of plankton soup with fresh boiled turtle eggs.'
Davey gulped at the thought and said 'Well, maybe I'm not as hungry as I thought.' and he gulped again. Sabine looke at him with concern as his face had turned quite ashen, his eyes taking on glazed stare She grabbed him quickly and and swished her powerful tail and in a cloud of bubbles took him back to the surface.......to Stroma. Davey gasped and breathed deeply the fresh air and then..............................

[Welcomefamily]

the harsh reality of the cold water hit him, the wind was howling with a capital H, black clouds looked like the rath of the thunder god. He turned to Sabine and said sheepishly, I was only joking.
Sabine told him he can only go back down if he wants to be there. Davey thought perhaps he could give turtle eggs a go. After all he had a lot of sea shell to spend so...................

[wifie]

down they went again into the clear green water. After some time they arrived at another place outside Atlantis. It was very beautiful and many amazin see creatures swam past hardly giving Davey a second look although he could hardly believe his eyes. They eventually swam into...............

[teenybash]

a small cove where ribbons of pale green seaweed hung like a curtain rippling and swaying to the rhythm of the sea. Davey, eager to see beyond the draping tendrils, dashed forward only to be drawn swiftly back by Sabine. 'No Davey, we cannot go beyond the veil.....we mustn't.'
But Davey wanted so bad to see what lay on the other side and asked. 'Why, surely there is nothing to fear in a place as beautiful as this.'
But she held him fast and told him..........................

[laguna2]

.. the tale of the Monster of Stroma! Many years ago a ship disappeared in the Firth and it was reported that it had been taken by a huge being the likes of which had never been seen before. This ship had been carrying hundreds of cases of "magic water" and many people had tried to locate it. Those who had been brave and had gone beyond the veil had never returned. Every Saturday night if you listen carefully you can hear the cries of these unfortunate people .... "Fill us up again, gie us another dram" and such sayings! "Hmmmmmmm" thought Davey - "magic water? I wonder if it could be Whisky!!" With that he wrestled free of Sabine's grip and made a dive towards the veil .....................

[joxville]

..through the veil he swam, avoiding the tendrils as they grabbed at his legs. He found himself in a beautiful lagoon, octopi and dolphins resting lazily on rocks like skiving council workers being propped up by shovels.

Here boy, shouted one of the dolphins, whit ye dae'in there? Davey sauntered over, amazed that a dolphin could speak. "A'm lookin' fur the magic watter", exclaimed Davey. "Go ower tae the baur an ' help yersel' tae onythin", said the dolphin, "it's a' free".

Davey went over to the bar and resting there was a little old lady, the wheels of her electric mobility chair stuck in the sand. "Hi" said Davey. "Get lost, single syllable man" said the old crone. "Naw", said Davey,"A'm lookin fur the magic watter". As he reached out to a can of magic water, the old woman leapt from her chair and began beating Davey about the legs with her walking stick, shreiking "Hey you, leave my Irn Bru".

Davey curled up into a ball, and between the thwacks of the old ladies walking stick, managed to stutter....

[teenybash]

'A..a'm a tourist...G get me out o' here................' and he fell into a deep, unconscious sleep. And in his sleep he saw a blue sky strewn with cotton wool clouds...he heard the gentle lapping of waves on the shore, felt the cool salt breeze drift across his skin and cool fingers caress his face.
Davey woke to find.............

[wifie]

a sheep chewin seaweed, some of the wet cold strands stoking his face! Davey blinked in the bright light and began to focus. He was back on Stroma and.........

[laguna2]

... there was no sign of Sabina! He sat up slowly and looked around. The place was deserted - apart from the sheep that is! Better find some shelter, he thought - those black clouds look as if they are heading this way! He looked out to sea and saw a light - bobbing up and down, getting closer and closer .............................

[kgunn]

And closer still, until...

[wifie]

the man in the rowing boat wi a lamp on his hat shouted..................

[laguna2]

Davey.... it's me! Davey looked closely ... and yes! it was him, it was ..........

[northener]

The bloke on the picture of the Fishermans Friends' packets.

"Blimey" said Davey, "Am I pleased to see you!"

"Please be my friend!" the sou'wester sporting beardy cried.
"I've been cast adrift by me old shipmates for gettin' in their 'ammocks and being too friendly a fisherman, like."

[kgunn]

Davy got into the blokes boat, when all of a sudden , a huge concrete thing came out of the distance. It was the Pentland Firth Tidal Energy Dam!

[wifie]

"Dam what's that?" exclaimed Davey. "Yer right!" said the friendly fisherman's friend, whose name was Sinbad. Davey was all agog when all of a sudden.............

[northener]

...his gog was de-gogged by the Fishermans Friend.

"Never mind the huge concrete thingy" cried beardy souwester "I have a huge thingy too! Just let me get in your hammock and I'll show you!"

Davey shoved him roughly aside "Sod off Sinbad, go back to Brookside!"

Sinbad beardy souwester looked at Davey with his bottom lip trembling
"But they aint got any 'ammocks in Brookside Close, can't I stay onboard and help you? I'm a fully qualified Tidal Energy Engineer y'know"......

[teenybash]

Sinbad never got his sentence finished, as with a mighty heave ho Davey hoyed him over the side and into the sea.
With paddles at the ready Davey ploughed through the waves, his desination..............................

[kgunn]

In sight.

[teenybash]

Davey hoisted the sails and set his course for due west........he was going to America to seek fame and fortune........
What adventures lay in store for Davey? Only time would tell as he sailed off into the horizon and.................

[laguna2]

.. sang as he bobbed along "Oh I do like to be beside the seaside". Now there's an idea he exclaimed! I will enter America's got talent and be discovered by Simon Whatsisname! What better fame and fortune can there be!

[teenybash]

With the bit between his teeth Davey went off to find his fame and fortune.
Meanwhile, back in Orger street the Cristmas preparations were well underway and the pantomime was promising to be a stunner with the star of the show being Doris Doldrum playing the part of..........

[wifie]

Orgerella! Her ugly step sisters were to be played by those famous Org contributors . . .

[daviddd]

daviddd and Mother Bear. Although their beauty is particularly well known around here they are good sports and love to play the fool. Lets face it, after Doris's super-ugly Orgerella some balance is needed. The show is to be held at that famous venue....

[teenybash]

The Caithness Palladium, home ground to the biggest ......................

[wifie]

chancers entertainers from all over Caithness. Many a night on the bill you can see . . . .

[daviddd]

Cringe Bosby, and the Beetles, not to mention that stalwart of the Caithness footlights......

[teenybash]

Mina McGurk and her amazing troupe of Tumbling.......................

[daviddd]

...Tumbleweeds, one of the greratest trapeze acts in the northern hemisphere - well, in the Wick area anyhow. However, as the day of the pantomine approached, disaster struck and ........

[wifie]

Mina found a sudden plague of moths had chewed thru the gusset of her leotard. Her favourite leotard wi the heather coloured sequins lay in a tattered mess on the floor of her dressing room. An emergency call had to be made to . . . .

[teenybash]

the nimble fingered 'gusset stitcher.' In a flash the offending tatters had been rebound and Mina was able to swivel into her costume, the heather toned sequins shimmering like a peat bog on a moonlit night. Dancing merrily onto the stage she.........

[daviddd]

quickly realised with horror that the gusset stitcher must have left her needle in the hastily-sewn patch, and .........

[teenybash]

and with an ear shattering scream leapt into the air, before cartwheeling entirely off the stage. The audience shouted for more, never had they seen Mina so nimble, so daring with such a magnificent performance but, poor Mina was in no state to entertain.
Only for a moment was the stage empty till.............................

[wifie]

from the wings came the well know figure of . . . .

[daviddd]

.....the aged fire eater and one-time Highland Council member Bill Burnie. His reputation had been firmly established some 20 years ago when he first climbed onto the back of a Steven's lorry for the Wick Gala parade and spewed huge jets of fire at spectators, 63 of whom had to be taken to Wick Hospital for minor burns. Despite being interviewed by the Wick bobbies he.................

[teenybash]

vehemently denied any wrong doing or acting with ill intent. But from this episode a talent had been unleashed and he had toured the world with his amazing feats fire eating. Now on his home turf he stood on the boards of the finest theatre in the world, The Caithness Palladium and he was going to put on an act no one would forget. Balancing himself on the top of a pyramid of empty beer barrels he.....................

[daviddd]

........waited for the horrified hordes to quieten, and once the silence was absolute and the tension tantamount to sheer terror, he cooly snapped his fingers and produced a huge jet of flame that a Nimrod pilot taking off from Wick Airport would have been proud of, and with a blinding flash launched himself backwards right through the back wall of the poor old Palladium, and was last seen from Tesco's car park as a distant vapour trail over Hempriggs Loch. The fairytale rise to fame thereby ended that evening, and the ghost of Bill Burney................

[teenybash]

was blown far south on a fierce Caithness gale and landed him in the great halls of Westminster, where to this day he happily blows down the ears of politicians.

Round from Org Street is Orger Terrace a quiet little place till Jeannie the jakey moved in and............