The Gentlemanly art of "Blimping"

[Lord Flasheart]

Inspired by the "Boobs and Moobs" thread a few friends and I were chatting about the consequences of our ancient and manly art of Blimping. In the light of admiring the female form being an offence (possibly) we would like to advise the males on avoiding a stint of porridge for admiring that gorgeous woman in the tight jeans. Now, if your female this will be an education and if you are male you should know this, if not prepare to receive the knowledge gained down the ages.

Blimping is the art of admiring the female form without being seen to be admiring the female form. Men do it, we cant help it, its in our genes. The name comes from the rapid eye movement which is often involuntary after sighting an attractive female, the eyes "blimp" back and fore rapidly. Blimping is thought to have originated about the time of the fight and flight response. As well as avoiding being disembowelled by Sabre tooth tigers ancient man ran the risk of getting a club round the back of the head for admiring another woman. This could often to be fatal and tended to ruin your day. In the modern world with the advent of the likes of short skirts, boob tubes, tight jeans and stilletto heels blimping has had to evolve still further due to possible sensory overload that modern women often present us with.

Now girls please dont think it is leching or perving or anything like that. Man has and always will admire the female form, how many of you have to had to say to a man .. "Excuse me, Im up here??" ..exactly. Blimping eliminates these situations so you are none the wiser. There are rules though that men MUST adhere to.

1. You may only blimp females up to around 5 years YOUNGER than you. You may blimp as many older females as you want. This rule is NON NEGIOTABLE.

2. A blimp consists of a look of no more than a second. Anything more than that and you are a filthy lech. You can appreciate in a second but more than that and you are perving, FORSHAME.

3. No eye contact. Blimping is a subtle art and besides, we are so transparent that our faces will default to that prehistoric guilty look. Plus we all know women can read our thoughts so avoid at ALL costs.

4. No blimping in the Gym or Swimming Pool. Women are notoriously self concious about their bodies. We know they are beautiful but you just try telling them that. Unsuccesful blimping here will impair their self confidence, this is the cardinal sin of blimping and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

Now for the categories ..


Blimping in the street ..The most common type of blimping and various methods can be used here.

The redirect .. When you see an attractive women coming towards you look past her. Then when she is almost level turn round and *blimp* she thinks you havent even seen her .. result.

The team blimp .. Safety in numbers here chaps.Work together.A quick eye contact and a imperceptible nod in the direction of the female will enable the unaware blimper to admire. This also has the added benefit of two possible targets for the female to suspect thereby lessening the odds of being discovered.

The time check .. If you see an attractive female that is going to walk past you, wait until she is level with you and appear to check your watch as she walks past while really admiring for the regulation second. Subtle and effective.

And ..

Office Blimping .. Once you have perfected the above you can move onto office or workplace blimping. This much more perilous as it is an enclosed enviroment and you have to be careful as you have to work with these women. Therefore this is to be used only as a last resort in the case of a lack of street blimping.

The Hopeless Blimper .. In such an enclosed enviroment a decoy is essential. Pick the youngest male in the office to be used as your decoy as you just know if you say "Dont look now but xxxxx is bending over the photocopier" he is going to look round. Use this. Get him to look and LOOK AWAY yourself then LOOK BACK a fraction of a second later. He will have been caught, gone prehistoric and failed. Simply flash the woman a "What is he like" look and relax. You have set him up as the threat, all the female attention will be focused on watching him warily enabling you to blimp at leisure.

And finally ..

Extreme Blimping .. Only for the seasoned blimper. This is blimping in the company of another female, EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Personally after a harrowing experience of this going wrong I would advise avoiding at all costs. The target was the Girlfriends sister and it was .. not good. In fact I am not going to divulge any information on this as it is a recipe for disaster.

Girls .. youre gorgeous .. see you out there .. ;)

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

Nae harm in a bit of blimping...........WHACK!!!!!!!!!!........eh I'm gonnae have to go to Caithness General now wi a broken nose.:lol:

[joxville]

Finally, after 43 years of being on this glorious planet and thinking I was sane and healthy, I have now been diagnosed with a condition. I am a Blimper.

Many times I've blimped with little Jemma in our office and lately it's got worse because she is 5 months pregnant,(unfortunately not to me), and as you know it's not just her belly which has grown. I can't help it, especially when she goes on to tell me about her mammary changes. I always felt unworthy and alone because of this 'affliction' but finally it has been recognised as a condition, I feel much better.



Is there a cure? I hope not.:D

[armanisgirl]

[lol][lol] absolutely fantastic LF!!! LMAO!! Oh that was good!

Now I will be even more suspicious of men looking in my direction lol. (I'm so sure men look at me?)

So, if this one is for men, where's the instructions for us women to 'blimp' men? Not that I need instructions - I have my own style of blimping - I just look! Haha. And, if women blimp men for more than a second, are we lechs too? I can't keep my eyes off my man, so I must be the most awful female lech going!! Oh well, at least I'm good at something! :lol:

[Whitewater]

Ah Ha!! Lord Flasheart, thanks for explaining that. I didn't know I was a blimper, I have just realised that I've been a blimper all my life, and still am, at my age, tut!! tut !!! But it's great fun. I think I now fit into the extreme blimper class.

[Sporran]

Oooh, you *are* awful, Lord Flasheart - but I *like* you! ;)

LMAO! Brilliant stuff! That was an education, alright!! :lol:

[the_count]

I got to extreme blimper level twice lol (twice married and wasn't sure if i was wrong about it the first time) your right about it being an artform though it takes years of practice lol :lol:

[Tugmistress]

Absolutely brilliant lmao :D
thanks for starting my day with a laugh

[Lord Flasheart]

I got to extreme blimper level twice lol (twice married and wasn't sure if i was wrong about it the first time) your right about it being an artform though it takes years of practice lol :lol:

You Sir are a daredevil of the highest order and I salute you. I myself seem to always crash and burn at that level as my capability for subtlety is extremely finite. Extreme blimping is best tried in the company of many women as this lessens the possibility of detection, weddings are a good example, in fact perhaps the best as women are dressed to their best and want to be looked at. Bride blimping is truly the art of the Blimp master as this can backfire horribly. On these occasions the men there are aware of the Blimpers in the vicinity and the radar is turning.

Some more tips got passed down as the beer flowed last night ..

SUNGLASSES .. These are the saviour of the novice blimpers and can allow for a multitude of sins, ie the long lingering look. Persoanlly this breaks rule number one for me but some of my fellow blimpers say that as the eyes are hidden it doesnt count. Im a purist so for me it does. The Beach does come possibly come in under the same category as the Gym and the Swimming Pool but glasses allow you to be the equivalent of the stealth bomber in that you can do what you want with no fear of detection. Perosnally I think these are a Blimpers cop out and use them only when extremely hungover.

EXTREME BLIMPING UPDATE .. Ok, I wasnt going to cover this but what the hey, this can fall into one of two categories. If you are with your other half and inside, and when outside. When inside take refuge in television blimping. This is safe and secure because you are already looking there and can pretend to be innocent. Obviously putting the channel onto the brazilian womens beach volleyball tournament is a bit of a giveaway. This is where Hollyoaks comes in, and I bet all the men are now nodding in agreement. Its blimp heaven and its a soap as well so your lady should be unaware. By the way Roxanne Pallet who plays Jo in Emmerdale is worthy of your blimp attention while I rememeber. You are a blimp black belt if you can have your lady beside actually watching you while you blimp. The other scenario is when other women come round to see your other half, these are most likely her friends and this is fraught with danger. The Japanese specialise in this as they like the risk and seem to take fun in causing physical and mental anguish to each other. Remember that TV program Endurance ??, personally I avoid this after an incident involving first the sister of the girlfriend and also a shapely friend of the ex wife and an extremely tight pair of bootcut trousers she was wearing. When asked if i thought xxxxx's trousers looked alright I said nothing but simply crouched slightly and rubbed my hands on my legs in a vertical motion just above the knee. Sensory overload resulted in a complete subtlety failure. For me this form of blimping is the equivalent of charging into a minefield with only two sets of crossed fingers for protection.

and on to ..

EXTREME OUTSIDE BLIMPING .. This can get away from you if you let it but if you use your surroundings then the risks can be lessened. Shopping is the ideal time as your woman is distracted. Beware however the fact that all women have reflexes like a steel trap and if you allow yourself to become too focused then you WILL get busted. This is why it is for experienced blimpers only. Shoe shops are your friend here guys, stop outside one and once her back is turned feel free to blimp, your time is finite though and she will expect to remember what she said so risk this only if you can multi task. Another method is the friend divertion tactic. If you meet another couple and the two women are happily gassing then use your opposite number as blimp cover. This can be highly satisfying and the equivalent of sneaking up to the lion and nicking its dinner, unfortunately if you get caught the same result will apply. You will have had it. That said the satisfaction gained from succesful team blimping with the opposing forces feet away is male bonding at its finest.

Blimping when with your Sister .. Relax. Obviously you dont blimp your sister, if you do you have issues and I suggest a cold shower and a scrub brushing with Vim. This is a definite no no. Dont be fooled into thinking you are safe here. She remembers all the tricks you pulled when you were kids and this will fuel the female solidarity thing that women have. She will take great pleasure in betraying you to the blimpee and will then extract maximum pleasure in embarrassing everyone you know with tales of how her brother was leching at so and so. Extreme blimping is a rush if it goes right but this is just a quick way to blimp hell.

finally ..

FEMALE BLIMPING .. To answer Armanisgirl's question Female blimping is the preserve of the woman and I am sure that you all do but as a man I wouldnt dare to say what those rules are. Like you would listen anyway right ??, Given your position in the battle of sexes you are in the prime position here as we dont mind being blimped. The only danger I can see are your fellow females and the ensuing catfight that can develop. Personally I like being blimped, I dont think there is a man that doesnt. Fill your boots girls as far as I am concerned. In fact if there were more female blimpers we might all get on better and making that first tentative contact may well be easier for all concerned. Oh, and just on a personal level, smacking my (taut and firm) backside and winking at me as you glide past works for me every time.

Happy Blimping .. or in the words of the Blimpers motto .. "Lookus .. muchus .. Enjoyus"

[Kismet]

[lol] absolutely fantastic LF!!! LMAO!! Oh that was good!

Now I will be even more suspicious of men looking in my direction lol. (I'm so sure men look at me?)

So, if this one is for men, where's the instructions for us women to 'blimp' men? Not that I need instructions - I have my own style of blimping - I just look! Haha. And, if women blimp men for more than a second, are we lechs too? I can't keep my eyes off my man, so I must be the most awful female lech going!! Oh well, at least I'm good at something! :lol:

I agree brilliant read lol and I didna need instructions for blimping men either maybe woman are just natural blimpers and I have never been caught blimping one man in another mans company lol We must just be better at blimping than men [lol]

[brokencross]

This thread reminds me of my time spent at Leith Nautical College.

"Marathon Mass Group Blimping" .. .. A prime site was Princes Street Edinburgh on hot June Saturday mornings; about four or five of us used to walk from the top of Leith Walk to the end of Princes street on the shops side and back again on the gardens side.

For this MMGB one needs very strong neck muscles, staying power and be capable of carrying out rapid multiple blimps as the blimpees were of excellent quality and very numerous. I am pleased to say we endeavoured to stick within the rules stated in the original post.

[helenwyler]

Well I'd never heard of the word, though I have definitely been blimping for some time.

A quick look at the etymology is revealing. Dictionary.com says: blimp (noun) - a small, non-rigid airship or dirigible, used chiefly for observation ;).

[padfoot]

haha yeah im great at blimping and i luv it where as u say sum females dnt like bein blimped i do thats for sure lol altho not wen at the swiming pool wen am out i enjoy it makes the evening more fun lol

[Lord Flasheart]

My mate wants me to add another category.

PROTECTIVE FATHERS .. These are the anti blimpers and are complete hypocrites to boot. If blimpers were say, cobras then these can be considered to be the Mongoose. They are armed with all the skills of the blimpers and use these to detect and then fix the blimper who has blimped his daughter with a stare that can stop the most determined blimper in his tracks. I have been on the receiving end of a few of these and its like being a rabbit in headlights, novice blimpers can be reduced to involuntary bodily functions if the PF approaches the blimper from the rear unseen. This approach is usually followed with a concise statement of the impending doom if the blimper does not stop immediately.There is no defence here gents, I simply adopt the "Aw shucks" look on my face and beat a hasty retreat. I have been in this category a while back when a classmate of my daughter attempted to blimp her. I gave no mercy and circled her like a shark (also grinning like one) while he saw the error of his ways. I take perverse pleasure in refusing to allow the blimper to disengage and revel in his discomfort. Serves him right for getting caught.

[jings00]

LMAO !!great stuff!!

[ciderally]

well done...as for all you Blimpers out thare....blimp onnnnnnnnnn

[Lord Flasheart]

I never used to have much time for David Beckham but I have changed my opinion after discovering he too is a Blimper !!

Check out the link below, in the title picture you can see him deliberately avoiding looking at the cheerleader. The reason WHY he is doing that can be discovered by scrolling down a bit .. there you go .. he was blimping and was unlucky enough to get caught on camera. The fact that he was blimping on his wife's birthday too shows a dedication to the the art. I wont have a word said against him now.

In fairness though he displayed perfect technique, notice how the eyes have moved but not the head and the hands are in a position that could possibly mean he is about to sneeze. A perfect blimp unluckily caught on camera, I 'll bet he got pelters from Victoria when she saw this !!

David .. I salute you Sir .. http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article1071861.ece

[joxville]

Another celeb caught blimping is Brian McFadden in a photoshoot of Westlife and Mariah Carey. The guys are standing behind Mariah but caught on camera is McFadden looking down at Mariah's very ample bosom. I'll see if I can locate the pic on the web.

[Lord Flasheart]

Another celeb caught blimping is Brian McFadden in a photoshoot of Westlife and Mariah Carey. The guys are standing behind Mariah but caught on camera is McFadden looking down at Mariah's very ample bosom. I'll see if I can locate the pic on the web.

Race you !! .. Im looking too !! .. ;)

[padfoot]

hahaha that pic of david becham is pure class keep them coming

[Kismet]

Race you !! .. Im looking too !! .. ;)

Have yous given up on this pic or is it just a slow race ??? [lol][lol]

[Lord Flasheart]

Well I have had a look and I cant seem to find an obvious one .. is it perhaps this one on the left under the title ?? .. http://daz.com/artists/Mariah%20Carey%20and%20Westlife.html .. I cant tell if the lad far right is blimping or not. If he isnt then he should be and if he is then he is a true blimp master with a black belt in subtlety.

And just for fun here is an example of the type of Individual who has much to learn in the art of Blimping .. http://www.buzzhumor.com/enlarge/6172

[Boozeburglar]

What is the protocol in a Lap Dancing club, when sat with one's wife?

[Lord Flasheart]

What is the protocol in a Lap Dancing club, when sat with one's wife?

Well I would get HER to dance for you and save some cash for a kick off.

Failing that simply adopt a disgusted look and point out all the dancers commenting that they are being exploited, throwing in some comments along the way like "Look at her she has virtually nothing on" thus giving yourself a reason to look and therefore blimp.

And if you can get your wife to let you a) go to a Lap Dancing club and b) come with you then a huge bucket of kudos to you.

Im not actually sure if you can Blimp in a Lap Dancing Club really as the art of Blimping is to appreciate the female form and not let the woman involved know you are doing it, kind of defeats the object a bit when the women are being employed to have men look at them.

[balto]

so funny, thanks for making a typical boring sunday rather amusing[lol][lol]

[Thumper]

OMG!!!!!!This is one of the funniest threads thats been on here in ages!Well done Lord Flashheart and keep up the good work,both with threads and blimping ;) x

[dellwak]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
After decades of secret blimping I feel I can now blimp with a clear conscience.

[Lord Flasheart]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
After decades of secret blimping I feel I can now blimp with a clear conscience.


You are among friends here. We harm no one and treat those gorgeous creatures known as women with the greatest respect. There is no need to hide yourself away anymore. Be proud of being a Blimper.

For too long the plight of those Blimpers who live in denial have been hidden, for too long have men had to hoard their copies of FHM to appreciate the female form. (by the way, if anyone has the one with Rachel Stevens in the leather trousers from 1999 I will pay top dollar for it) the eyestrain some Blimpers have endured through being too scared to go outside and even look at an attractive woman for fear of ridicule and abuse is horrendous. I am close to proving that certain leading opticians are behind the media attitude of labelling us as "pervs" and "lechers", no more will we downtrodden.

I intend to form the Blimper And Proud Society (or BAPS for short), all are welcome.

If you want to join you will be required to first undergo a course of Woman Appreciation, this will entail reading every issue of FHM since 1998 if youre a man, I honestly cant see most men needing this bit.

Next would be a course of Blimp-Fu. This would entail a lengthy period of Ninja training involving mainly unoffensive eye movements, by the end of the course you will have eye movements so rapid you will be able to blimp for the regulation second for three hours straight and need no eye drops at the end of it. Do not underestimate this part as one individual got his eyes locked in a "blimp phase" and his eyes are still currently rolling round his head like demented marbles. His lack of discipline means he will spend the rest of his life looking like a human Ker-Plunk. This part of the course is then finished off with eye placement discipline and awareness of your surroundings presentations. Im arranging for a woman to host these so we can get some practice of what we have already learned.

Finally a course of the Rules and Regualtions. These are NOT to be broken, just ask the former Blimpers wandering round the Sahara desert with no sunglasses if they think I am serious. They will soon learn to avert their eyes I tell you. As has been said before Men will always look at women, we will do it in such a way as to appreciate innocently. Total transparency is our friend here and to that end I plan to commission a TV advert as follows ..

*Fade in*

Attractive Woman (viewed from over the shoulder of man) walks down a crowded street and spots a man walking towards her leering at her chest for at least ten seconds, she scowls and says "Get a good look did you ??", the man disappears in shame.

She turns, spots the "Shoulder Man" and says "Did you see that??"

Man replies with "I did, Forshame on him", he then says "I have to be honest and admit I did admire you for a second there, you are an attractive woman if I may say so"

Woman looks puzzled and says .. "I never knew .. I wasnt aware .."

Man .. "Relax .. Im a trained Professional"

Woman .. "You mean youre a .. a .. Blimper"

Man .. "Yes .. Yes I am"

Woman then smiles, turns happily and walks away.

*Fade*

Slogan appears on screen .. "Blimping .. Admiring the female form the right way"

*Fade out*

[joxville]

Have yous given up on this pic or is it just a slow race ??? [lol][lol]


Well I have had a look and I cant seem to find an obvious one .. is it perhaps this one on the left under the title ?? .. http://daz.com/artists/Mariah%20Carey%20and%20Westlife.html .. I cant tell if the lad far right is blimping or not. If he isnt then he should be and if he is then he is a true blimp master with a black belt in subtlety.

And just for fun here is an example of the type of Individual who has much to learn in the art of Blimping .. http://www.buzzhumor.com/enlarge/6172


I also found the one posted by His Lordship, but the one I saw was of Mariah sitting in a chair with the guys grouped around her, McFadden is giving it large on the Blimpscale. It may have been a publicity shot for Top Of The Pops or SM:TV, maybe in a newspaper. I haven't given up though lol

[Sporran]

Lord Flasheart, you've inspired me to write a wee limerick! :D

Our Lord Flasheart's a bloomin' blimpin' master
Likes to blimp a woman as he goes past her
He's got it down to an art
Blimping ladies lovely parts
If he gets caught by his wife - whoops, disaster! :lol: