View Full Version : The Org Soap...aka O'er 'e' Ord
:lol:
Lachie came home from the pub, the landing light was on, strange he thought, the wife should be in bed asleep by now......
connieb19
28-Sep-07, 19:02
:lol:
Lachie came home from the pub, the landing light was on, strange he thought, the wife should be in bed asleep by now......And who's clothes were these strewn all over the kitchen, lachie looked in horror as......
Worse than that..they live in a bungalow!
connieb19
28-Sep-07, 19:06
Lachie was rather fond of the Absinthe:eek:
Lachie was rather fond of the Absinthe:eek:
...and was very glad of the 'landing light' to guide him home... he knew he shouldn't take the plane to the pub but hoped no one would get in a flap about it!
Lachie was rather fond of the Absinthe:eek:
What he didnt realise was that in his absinthe (he had a lisp lol )the plumber had come round to check the pipes,got wet and had to strip off :eek:
What he didnt realise was that in his absinthe (he had a lisp lol )the plumber had come round to check the pipes,got wet and had to strip off :eek:
morag..we have to call her something..clasped a sheet to her bosom and cried...when she had eventually stopped greeting she said,
'It's no what it seems..like!';)
She spoke smiley..which was very lucky.
connieb19
28-Sep-07, 19:46
"where's my maltesers" shouts Lachie, as he......
"where's my maltesers" shouts Lachie, as he......
..suddenly remembered Fran had called and had asked directions!
connieb19
28-Sep-07, 20:11
Lachie felt frightened, had Fran arrived safely, was she okay? He grabbed Morag by the...............
Lachie felt frightened, had Fran arrived safely, was she okay? He grabbed Morag by the...............
..lighter and said..'oh a diet is it yer on,..for whit mannie may I ask?'
he was most uncouth! (narrators notes!:D)
anneoctober
28-Sep-07, 20:41
..lighter and said..'oh a diet is it yer on,..for whit mannie may I ask?'
he was most uncouth! (narrators notes!:D)
Nah Lachie "hug mannie" I'm determined to slip........ :roll:
Nah Lachie "hug mannie" I'm determined to slip........
morag said ..'I have to take anne october to the funny farm would
you like me to set up a road block on't way back?'
She has a virus! ....The sheep trembled!:eek:
It could mean..Sensible sheep..wha abide by road crossings..no more racks of lamb for sunday dinner! Da da da da DA!
Lachie went for a lie down and a think!
;)
anneoctober
29-Sep-07, 16:49
As Lachie snoozed away in the land o Nod, he became aware of a desperate voice shouting "woolly...............
[lol]
Jumper !! Lachie, Woolie jumper, when he opened his eyes he was standing in the shower with hot water pouring all over his nice new Woolie jumper. Yes , he was so drunk he decided to sober himself up in the shower, unfortunately he was a lot more drunk than he thought and it took Morag roaring at him to get him awake. Still, never mind he said........
ma new jumper had a wee stain of absinthe all down e front. Mind ye, ma chest feels rite tight just now :eek:
get aff morag, get aff ma chest, yer restrictin ma lungs wae yer weight wummin. if ye dinna move..........
anneoctober
29-Sep-07, 19:05
Lachie, ye eejit no winder its techt, thats oor Wullie's.........
connieb19
29-Sep-07, 19:07
Lachie, ye eejit no winder its techt, thats oor Wullie's.........
Brassiere youve got on............come here and I'll...................
anneoctober
29-Sep-07, 19:10
Nah ye wont touch it, ye choost want hid for yursel cos it's pink.......
connieb19
29-Sep-07, 19:12
And it'll clash we yir yellow drawers, hiv ye no taste wumin, but Lachie.......
decided to quickly take off the ever-shrinking jumper and give it to her as it was cutting off the blood supply to his....
shirt, which had now started popping its' buttons causing a stinging sensation against his......
one remaining chest hair, "oh no not again" thought Lachie, damned if I am going to lose that last one, with one deft move he ripped the shirt from his chest and flung it at Morag, with a startled cry she....
Lolabelle
01-Oct-07, 07:38
...jumped over the upturned chair and karate chopped the flying garments before they hit the...
...jumped over the upturned chair and karate chopped the flying garments before they hit the...
fan and blew into the fire which
set the carpet alight, lachie, LACHIE, do something, quick as a flash he..........
he stripped off, bent over, passed wind and blew e flames rite.............
he stripped off, bent over, passed wind and blew e flames rite.............
up the lum & cracked the pot [crackpot]
anneoctober
01-Oct-07, 21:35
eeeee, Lachie, fit every chule's been say an is troo, Caithnass has got plenty of wind tae be harnessed, said Morag in hushed tones........
after lachie had a big feed o beans n beer
anneoctober
01-Oct-07, 21:46
Aye, now I ken fit foulk wer talk n aboot in e owld days - aboot buildan a windbreak...... Morag stared at Lachie wi a strange look com an o'er her faice.......
an she said , look yeve done it now e went an killed e canary way e stink
anneoctober
01-Oct-07, 22:13
There must be natural gas floow n then Morag..... we'll strike hid lucky yet shouted Lachie........
an lachie lit a fag an blew e windows an doors oot
anneoctober
01-Oct-07, 22:21
"Lachie !" screamed Morag, ye ve got ash all o'er my guid curtins......
Lolabelle
01-Oct-07, 22:25
"Woman, who cares about the curtains! We're onto a goldmine here." And with that, he dashed for the door...
but the door was 100 yards up the road getting farther away by the second
connieb19
01-Oct-07, 22:44
Lachie felt a loud rumbling in his bowg......
an blew the whole damn house down.
connieb19
01-Oct-07, 22:51
Lachie couldn't believe his eyes, here in among all the rubble and dust was.....
was morag wi rolling pin in hand
connieb19
01-Oct-07, 22:55
And here was his MALTESER.... :eek:
anneoctober
01-Oct-07, 22:56
At Heinz guy, hes a lot tae answer fur cried Morag wi hir heid in hir hans
He's only gone and left me wi child......
Lolabelle
02-Oct-07, 07:23
... then Morag realised she could feel something wet on her face. Wide eyed, she looked at her hands. They were covered in...
Tomato sauce from e pan o beans left on e stove when lachie blew e ouse up. Just as he thought things could'nt get any worse, Lachie turned and saw his mother -in-law, Big Jessie coming up e garden path. Hoots mon ............
chocolate and it was melting quicker and quicker with the heat from the flames, then she realised, she'd found Lachies stash o maltesers. Lachie, Lachie she roared after him..........
Lolabelle
02-Oct-07, 21:22
Melted maltesers and baked beans, and now her mither inlaw coming down the street toward her, what more could possibly happen. She felt her chin begin to quiver, then taking a deep breath, decide to get even! She would...
take the shovel and swing it
smashing Lachie's last malteser into a million melting pieces, unfortunately though for big Jessie a chunk of chocolate shrapnel flew up and choked her, unable to perform the heimlich maneuver on Jessie's ample girth he proceeded to whack her with the shovel in a vain attempt to dislodge the sweetie. "Stop, stop" cried Morag as big Jessie....
morganria
02-Oct-07, 23:41
gripped e shovel an rammed it up .....
Lolabelle
03-Oct-07, 00:11
... into the air, and with a cry she screamed, " YOU BLIGHTERS, you just wait till I get me..."
me corset off, then im gonna ..............
Lolabelle
03-Oct-07, 07:57
"... go down to the Trinkie for a swim, and wash all this crushed melted malteser off me face. When I get back, I'll be calling for the ..."
fire brigade ,the mannies in the white coats & the undertaker cause were sure gonny need them a
week at least tae sort oot a this mess you created Lachie, just because ye were drunk in the first.......
Lolabelle
03-Oct-07, 21:04
... year of your life, doesn't mean you can stay drunk for the rest of it!" With that she turned and flounced out of the front garden and up the road. But they knew they'd not seen the last of her. Lachie gave himself a bit of a scratch and said, "...
anneoctober
03-Oct-07, 21:06
But an ben my granny left us in her will ! "Ye great galloot" shouted......
Morag 'you've jist gone an blew that aff the face o the earth and onto the moon, ya gormless pillock, whits gonna happen tae.........
anneoctober
03-Oct-07, 21:30
wir wee hoosie now, ye've redued id til rubble ye gowk.......
Morag, Morag, have faith fur a meenit. i have a plan, Go up the path and bring me..........
Lolabelle
03-Oct-07, 21:56
... another packet of maltesers, this will require some thinking." And then, he looked around his malteser belly, at the ground, and saw ...
anneoctober
03-Oct-07, 23:24
an enormous X on the ground half hidden by e rubble......
Lolabelle
04-Oct-07, 08:02
...could it be, no surely not....
Yes, for there was no other explanation, Simon Cowell had been here, if fact theres one of his platform soled shoes just there under the picture of Sharon Osbourne in her........
Fur coat and no knickers outfit, ats it shouted Lachie eXcited, im gonnae go on e X factor and win and be famous and gets pots of money, then im gonnae........................
Teach grammer an manners, and how tae drink when doing 'e hoose work, on 'e Org....then I'll just...............
sit back an watch oh the flack fleein aw ower the ship, Thats it! the ship! Why did a no think aboot this before.......
i mean its been in e harbour doing nout for e past decade the,ve even taken e engine oot it so now it canny sink i TRUST weel get it furnished in nae time at a
anneoctober
04-Oct-07, 18:51
"Lachie!" Hev ye mine t yet that ah'm kerry n yir bairn, ah cana go til e sea, ah'm feelan seek as id is..... Morag grabbed hir bowg and.......
promptly spewed over Lachies tartan slippers, 'fur god's sake Morag' swore Lachie, 'am no takin ye on ma boat in at state', Lachie tucked the picture of Sharon Osbourne in his pocket and plodded off in the direction of....
the 'seamans inn' tae down a few and plan oot his next move. Morag, meanwhile, wis makin her ain plans tae and......
Lolabelle
05-Oct-07, 13:00
...decided to go to Edinburgh and take a trip on one the special tourist buses. She'd always wanted to do that, and if Lachie was going away on the boat, she would go and visit ...
her old friend who was a tour guide on the buses .....
known as Sweaty Betty. Morag and Sweaty Betty go back a long way, they first met when Sweaty Betty............
was know as Lady Elizabeth and owned a small castle on the outskirts of Helmsdale....
But her husband Lord Lucan, disapperared with the family fourtune and left her peniless and homeless. Sweaty Betty had to up sticks and move south to earn a crust. She arrived in the city and .................
as she stepped off the coach she heard 'Well morag daisycal, as i live and breath, your a sicht fur sair een' with that, Morag felt herself being lifted off her feet because......
there was johno and he had enough infractions in the back of a van to build a mansion for her & lachie to
lose themselves in and no need to see each other for a month. That would suit both of them fine. Johno had only just got.....
some more so they could even build a garage if only
they had a car. Then again, what would be the point of that either when none of them could drive. Just then Sweaty Betty, appeared from a shop doorway shouting 'Morag, Haud ontae that man, awe they infractions are to build me a hoose, he promised me them years ago,' with that johno turned and ran as fast as his legs could carry him right doon the royal mile and intae burke and hare close......
an bumped into a few bodies that he didnae much lek so he
swung around and headed back out onto the street, straight across the busy road and into the museum of childhood. He stood a while to get his breath back and take stock of his surroundings. 'Oh crivvens! i don't believe this' he said to himself, for heading straight for him was none other than Lachie Daisycal, picture of Sharon osborne hanging out his pocket and a.......
anneoctober
05-Oct-07, 18:06
kerry an a stag's heid..........
hangin' oot o' his ither pocket. Whit is goin' own he askit .... and it wisn't a pooder he meant!!! I was jist aboot tae .....
'phone fur a taxi, is stag's heid is getting awfy heavy and am a wee bitty concerned aboot all 'e cats and 'e dogs followin e trail o blood'. Luckily Johno has a couple of spare bin liners in his pocket, between them they managed cover the stags head in between away chasing cats and dogs, they hailed a taxi and after shoving the head in the boot they both got in, 'take me to....
Lolabelle
05-Oct-07, 22:26
go to the pub for a hot chocolate, I have given up the drink," and with that he marched up the road while surrupticiously pulling out the the picture of Sharon Osborne from his pocket. But he wasn't really going to have a hot chocolate, he was going to....
... buy some dolly mixtures cos he had a sugar cracing. Once he had eaten his fill he decided to .......................
anneoctober
05-Oct-07, 23:36
head for the X factor auditions wheech wer be an held in e geirdings o Princes Street. Ah'll show at Simon Coughill how tae sing thocht Lachie, just as he louped e hedge........
still clutching the photo of Sharon, 'mibbe i'll get her tae autograph ma picture, then ah can bung hid on ebay an make some money'. Lachie's mobile phone started to ring, it was Morag....
and she was in a bit o a panic..... Lachie, a dinna ken whar ye ur but get yersel fired up here tae the castle esplanade toot sweet, thir jist about tae fire anneoctober oot o a cannon an she's no best pleased tae say the least. When they telt her they were gonna fire a gun tae celebrate her birthday she didna ken she was the ammunition noo she's.......
Lolabelle
06-Oct-07, 07:40
... got herself barricaded in Sweaty Betty's bus, and has the driver for a hostage. "Stay back," she cried, "or I'll..."
'hae a word wi Bill Fernie to increase 'e 120 second rule'! With that she pulled the driver from his seat and drove off the wrong way down a one-way street, Lachie shouted after her, 'Stop ye daft wummin, your goin e wrong way!', the next thing he heard was the sound of an almighty....
Lolabelle
06-Oct-07, 12:19
... voice lifted in song. It was a trucker, singing the old Rod Stewart song, "Sailing, I am sailing.... "
All the people stopped what they were doing and ....
stared in disbelief as the Cutty Sark (on wheels )came sailing up the royal mile with the trucker at the helm and as he passed sweaty bettys bus he used a grappling iron to pull anneoctober onto the ship and sailed off into the smog, far into the distance all that could be heard was the faintest of voices whispering........
Lolabelle
06-Oct-07, 12:48
"... why have we never seen you at the sunday night quiz Anneoctober?" As the voices faded into the smog.
'aah' thought Lochie, 'thats what I'll sing, the old Rod Stewart favourite "If you think I'm Sexy" and with that he ran off down the road towards...
a packet of maltesers he saw lying there, still clutching his picture of sharon osborne in one hand, he streched out the other to pick up the sweets when he heard.......
a voice sayin i canny get my fag lit there,s a malteser stuck in e lichter an
Lolabelle
06-Oct-07, 13:04
Morag calling his name, but when he looked he realised it was Morag at all, but her twin sister Martha, he felt his stomach drop, Martha scared him, looking around he searched desparately for somewhere to hide. Then he saw...
a big dark doorway - just across the street from him. He ran towards it but as he ......
anneoctober
06-Oct-07, 13:19
streched oot his han til push id open, he felt he weight o.......
anneoctober
06-Oct-07, 13:29
I have never seen such a diaster in all my life said Simon Coughill, as he steeped over Lachie's prostrate body on the step. Simon don't you be SO mean, - as Lachie 's vision was a wee bit blurred , he.......
didn't realise that the dead fish he had thrown had hit Sharon and not Simon .... arghhhhhhh screamed sharon as ...................
anneoctober
06-Oct-07, 13:38
e scales ( fish scales) o justice wiz aboot tae unfold.......
and let everyone see her torn stockings! She rushed down the darkened passageway, wrapping her coat tight around her, but suddenly, to her horror .............
the macdonald brothers were making their way towards her shouting, 'Scotsman, get your Scotsman newspaper here, read all about, X factor scandal' Sharon turned.........
Lolabelle
07-Oct-07, 06:14
...stopped running and ripped off her stocking as threw them into a hedge. Little did she realise that hiding within the hedge was...
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 09:45
the local vicar who had just nipped out for a quiet fag after doing the last rites up the road on
Castle Hill. The tights landed on the ciggie and burst into flames! The vicar, who was a bit of a eejit, dropped the ciggie into his wellies! He jumped up and down shouting at Sharon and the MacDonald Brothers ......
Lolabelle
07-Oct-07, 10:12
"... YOU NUMPTY! Call the paparazzi, I have a flamin' pair of Sharon Osborne's stockings!" Lachie, hearing this from down the road see's an opportunity and...
.. legged it towards the railway station - and, he hoped a train heading north. As he looked desperately at the departures board for the next Inverness train ......
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 12:14
he became aware of a tall gentleman wearing a long cloak with a red velvet collar standing behind him, the man looked as pale as a sunday morning reflection in the mirror and he said in a ghostly voice, "would you
be a dear a loosen my braces at the back" well Lachie was back off that train and out the station before you could say "Jock Tamsons bairns' He was running so fast he nearly lost his photograph of Sharon Osborne and as he rounded the corner he flew straight into........
a guy who said can you tell me where a guy can get a good time around here mate? Lachie focused his dim eyes to get a clear picture of who was talking to him, then froze in terror as he realised that it was none other than Paul O'grady......... Ere, what the matter with you asked Paul as he..............
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 12:41
watched Lachie stagger like a wick river drunk looking for a bottle of white lightening, was it a message from God? he had seen the devil at the station now St Paul, who would he see next?....
As if by magic his friend the tour guide appeared from a nearby hostelry! Thank heavenes I have found you Lachie, I was just about to .....
"stars" says Morag as ghe grabs him by the lug and drags him across princes street, They were just about half way over when "Whoosh" the Cutty Sark went by grappling hook at the ready and Lachie safely deposited on board beside anneoctober. Johno, Nanoo, lolabelle, laguna2, and welcomefamily. Standing by the trucker was bluelady and a bottle or 60 of various alchoholic drinks, they were just getting the party into full swing when.........
Lolabelle
07-Oct-07, 12:58
... the friendly tour guide said, " I was about to take you to the party, but it seems we are already here. The majic of the org, mmm, amazing."
but then the music stopped and a strange buzzing noise began...
to really annoy Lachie, then he realised it was the sound of Morags voice still ringing in his ears, he excused himself and went down below to rest a while in calm of the cabin. He put out his hand to switch on the light and the softness of fur like a cats was below his fingers and......
They all turned to see Sharon Osbourne stood there and next to her gunning for Lachie was none other than Ozzy Osborne, Come ere you -Bleep- I want a word wiv you. Terrified, Lachie cowered behind Nanoo and Anneoctober - help me ...............
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 13:09
they heard a rumble, then another, all eyes peer towards anneoctober and lachie, morag suddenly remembered the beans he had had earlier,
Lolabelle
07-Oct-07, 13:12
... but he wasn't really in the cabin, but still in the party, and the soft furry thing in his hand was the lop eared rabbit he had mail ordered from a fello orger. He continued to screech and call for Morag, who came thundering through the crowd...
but never made it because anneoctober stuck her foot out as she passed and nanoo thumped her with the 120 sec wait for her next post and when she woke up, she was in the glasgow sorting office, what the.........
Hell is happening to me, cried Morag, why am I having all these nightmares? it must have been those...............
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 13:25
heck, I still got me carrier bags full of bottles so lets
all get back on e tour bus and have a party, and Johnno, nae shoving granny off e bus. Granny aka ...................
have a party everybody, right here in the sorting office and when i get high enough to fly, i'll get back to Edinburgh and boy will i make Lachie pay, this is another fine mess he's got me into. Morag was just getting nicely sozzled when........
granty,g s cam kite was seen zooming in on the
anneoctober
07-Oct-07, 15:14
action, by the cocktail bar where nanoo was deftly twirling her......
agile body dancing to the lambada much to the delight of
cocktail stick in a particularly potent brew. Hubble bubble toil and trouble came the chorus from the corner. It was none other than ...............
johno trying to force his infractions on us again, but laguna2 was for none of it and told him sweaty betty was still looking for him and in the distance he could here.........
anneoctober
07-Oct-07, 15:46
Simon, Sharon & Louis........................
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 15:48
who would be a claiming influence on him and when he saw them he
all squabling over danni minogue. simon loved her, louis wanted her and sharon, well...........
anneoctober
07-Oct-07, 15:55
would rather have "Cheeko" time wi Ossy............
off at the moment seeing sweaty betty. Simon was'nt buying it though because that picture of Sharon was certainly not worth the asking price as she had her knickers ON, Lachie started to run because he knew Simon........
was going to try to make him a star - and he would much prefer to be at home on the org talking to nanoo, anneoctober and laguna2. However, just as he thought he had lost Simon .......
the simple pieman turns up with his favourite apple pies, well Lachie forgot everything else and got down to business, pie in one hand and 2maltesers in the other, he was quite simply in 7th..........
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 16:12
There was going to no body on the cutty shark looking after the drink and it was a better way to get stars in his eyes so
heaven, although he wasn't sure where the other heavens were! He was quite happy until he realised that his maltesers had melted all over his ...
picture of Sharon,Ohhhhhh what fun he had licking that off. YUCK!!!!!! gazooks, shifty simon the pieman had switched his picture for one of sweaty betty, wheres the bleach? Bleach, bleach, my Sharon picture for some bleach, there you go says...........
Morag - that'll teach you to be a two timing eejit!!!! Lachie blushed - "but I always loved you Morag" he said, ask anneoctober, nanoo and laguna2 - "they will back me up".. Morag looked at Lachie with raised eyebrows (hers not his) and said ........
Lolabelle
07-Oct-07, 22:02
... what is that on the end of your nose?????
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 22:05
Its some of simons apple pie, he said licking it off, is that better he said?..
Well, you could have shared with me she sniffed! I will buy you your own pie he promised, as long as you ..................
give me back ma picture of Sharon,Rite you, screamed Morag as she grabbed him gently by e throat and pulled him closer to her, Morag please wifie he said turning a funny shade of.........
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 22:38
O can ye sew cushions
Lolabelle
07-Oct-07, 22:41
... which is a very funny colour, but who was Lachie to argue with Morag when she had him by the...
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 22:46
Throat, locked in a firm embrace, she said my heart a beating rapid and I have a .......Sorry misread last one.
Lolabelle
07-Oct-07, 22:57
... a yearing for some maltesers! Hand em over! Lachie didn't know what to do, give up his maltesers or...
(not to worry welcomefamily, it just makes it all the more interesting :Razz)
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 23:22
to tell her that he wanted another baby, he knew that would make her go like putty in his hands and he would then be able to sneak back to the Cutty Shark and have a quiet drink with..........:D
Sharon, he'd slipped her a note earlier and hoped she would meet him at the Cutty Sark, he knew it was wrong and Morag would be mad if she found out but he needed to show Sharon his....
Welcomefamily
07-Oct-07, 23:51
? but he wanted to keep it a surprise, he rush back to the cutty shark, sharon he said gabbing her hand and leading her down to the cabin he had used earlier. In the half light of the cabin he wispered to her, I have something to show you, holding her hand he slid it down into his pocket, the gentle sound of a plastic wrapper echoed around the cabin, what do you think he said...
Welcomefamily
08-Oct-07, 01:02
catching hold of one, sharon gentle and gracefully licked the top of it and then she slowly nibbled into it, that was wonderful she goaned as she stared at Lachie and helped her self to another. That's enough he shouted, you just want me for one thing, you are no different than all the rest and he.....
'gotcha! sleekit eejit that ye are, said sweaty betty, thought ye had gotten clean away eh? Morag phoned as shin as she missed ye, an she wis richt, this exactly whar she said you'd be' A dark shadow moved out from the corner of the shadowy cabin into the centre of the room, sweaty betty gasped in awe of the sight, "shiver me timbers Charlie, your a sicht fur sare een' Sharon gasped as well, because she had only ever seen a picture of Lord Lucan, and here he was, large as life and standing........
Welcomefamily
08-Oct-07, 01:22
in the cabin, then he started to sing the piper of dundee " Wi muckle mirth and glee, he played"the kirk"2 he played "The Quier" Stop shouted Sharon, wh;t yee doing? I want to.....
sign you up immediately for 'The X Factor' with tubes like yours Simon is just going to.......
pay you in cadburys Wispa bars, they are available to buy again and in the shops now. 'Oh boy, says lachie, ye can keep yer maltesers noo because i love wispas an i only turned tae the malties because they stopped makin them. My, my i feel like i've deed and gone tae heaven, am oaf tae get me supply, see ye later..........
Welcomefamily
08-Oct-07, 08:12
he said thinking how lucky he was, he h'd finally might be releasing his full potential,as he walked off when suddenly.............
he tripped and fell .. into a big black hole that had appeared in the road. Down, down, down he fell into the blackness all the while thinking ........
Lolabelle
08-Oct-07, 08:59
... 'am I going to end up in Australia, where I can have a cuppa with Lolabelle?"
But no, the hole only went as far as...
hell, an the devil said Lachie this is where your comin eventually but go back ,your here to soon so lachie climbed back up to the top an
Welcomefamily
08-Oct-07, 10:05
walked into a vision of Chris Woodhouse (?) a former Inspector of Schools, he said go and return to Caithness and tell them about my old numeracy programme as its the only place you can start the day on 50, post all day and end up on 42. "I think some one spent Sunday playing with their servers in private? and it needs investigating and any way with me entering this thread, things can only improve, here take my bike.
So Lachie left and started cycling back to Wick, he felt he was now a new man and determined to....................:lol:[evil]
live up to Sharons vision of him. His old life was gone now and Morag was in the past, well............. that was until the cutty Sark sailed by him, grappling hook at the ready and with the greatest of ease he did'nt know what had happened until he picked himself up onto his feet and there all around were his friends,Morag as well. This is redicu redicul .... awful, i'm just drunk hic hic and i passed out. Boy is this .............
Welcomefamily
08-Oct-07, 13:01
just a dream? had he just passed out. He looked around every body seemed to be laughing at him, had his contant misuse of white cider for the last twenty years finally caught up with him? was his dreams just warnings or an indication of his internal termoil of his few remaining neurons that were heading towards an alcoholic dementia of epic proportions? He was confused, he felt like the husband who had just walked in on his wifes lover only to find that ................
Lolabelle
08-Oct-07, 13:12
.. it wasn't really his wife, or his wife's lover, but Sharon Osborne and Ozzy. Ye gads, what next? All he needed now was for Sweaty Betty and his mother in law to arrive and take him to...
that blasted tour bus of hers. But no, Morag had better ideas than that, she's arranged building that new house with johnos infractions and.... you've guessed it Lachies doin the building, 'Noo get mucked in, ya wee scrag, and dinna stop tae i say ye can, right' now now then..........
anneoctober
08-Oct-07, 21:56
my gentle Morag wi the eyes o a cherrsay coo whispered Lachie. "I'll build ye the finest hobbit's hoose ye've ever seen"! "Awah noo an bake me a bannock fir ma tee" WHAAALLLOOOOOP !.........
Welcomefamily
08-Oct-07, 22:03
so Lachie with a heavy heart agreed to set about the task of building providing that Morag put the kettle on. Lachie connected an extension lead up to a generator he had borrowed and as the fuse had gone in the kettle which had got damaged from the explosion, he wiped the plug off and used two match sticks to prise the cables into the extension lead. He turned the switch to set it at 240volts end and carried on loading the cement mixer he had also borrowed and then used the hose pipe to fill the kettle. Go careful you stupid clot shouted Morag, you've overfilled it, come here, let me do it she said snatching the kettle away from Lachie.
What a bang, Morag turn white and lite up like Dunnets caravan park, smoke came from her hair, her eyes rolled, her false teeth melted. Then an errie silence, the whole area fell into darkness, the smoke lingering like the fog on Watten moor, the black charred body of Morag still holding the kettle seemed motionless, lifeless. Lachie looked...............
Lolabelle
08-Oct-07, 22:24
... at Morags crisp remains and screamed, with joy, "Sharon, my love, I'm free." And so he ran, leaving the cement mixer and kettle alongside Morag's prostrate form. He ran all the way to the ...
anneoctober
08-Oct-07, 22:24
in amazement at e sicht afore him. "ah wis really lookan forward tae a bannag wi ma tea" . o ma goad whit will hir mither da tae me wen she finds oot whit ah 've. Lachie turned and..............
Welcomefamily
08-Oct-07, 22:52
carried on running, then he saw Sharon and shouted in his Caithness best, ("What conquest o,er my dreamy thoughts, of the fiery rage thou have wrought. My breast whose blood a trouble ocean, with each throb, its like an earth quakes wild commotion.) and he then looked deep into her eyes, he had got over stage one (Nice words). Now he would move to stage two (Flowers), he picked up a handful of weeds and said softly to her, they were once flowers but have wilted in the presents of your beauty, she was nearly putty in his hands........SORRY WRONG SCRIPT, its Lachie I am talking about.
carried on running, then he saw Sharon and shouted is their any cans of Lager left? and you arnt seen me lighter, let go and get some crack, and they walked off towards.....................
hollyrood palace, but (i you've guessed it) Lachie felt awe wet and as he was trying to understand why, a very familiar voice roared at him, 'Lachie, wake up, ya daft eejit, dae ye see the mess o that guid jumper, get oot the shoor right now' NO NO NO says Lachie, it canna be a dream, please god don't dae this tae me, it's too much.' He turned around with tears in his eyes and............
there, standing over him brandishing a rolling pin, was none other that MORAG!!! Oh lordie, lordie he moaned - she's no deid at all - it wis jist a dream. Whit will I dae next. Just at that Morag rose up to her full height and with an awful scream .........................
Welcomefamily
09-Oct-07, 11:14
CHOICE:
she swang at him, the rolling pin just missed him, the passing air causing lachies hair to stand on end, O haud your tongue ye feirie auld wifie, naebody speaks to me like that ya a freckless hag. With that Lachie walked out..........:~(
OR:
she disappearred, a ghostly voice echoed in an harrowing manner, I'll be back! they wont keep me dow ere for long, they wa't to sent me back. Lachie thought for a moment, then he heard Sharon voice, Lachie you split your beer, get yur fags out, he loved up seeing Sharons loving face and......
:lol:
a vivid picture o ozzy chasing him down the street with an elephant gun in his hands, sprang to mind. "dae a really need this?' he asked himsel, 'Right ,whar is he' says, sweaty betty, brandishing a poker. Lachie started tae run as he had never run before, far back in the distance he cound hear, ' Lachie it's no you a want ye daft gowk, it's.........
lord Lucan, ma usband, but Lachie kept running until he reached the Camps bar, he dashed in, hoping to loose himsel amongst the throngs of teenyboppers and X factor wannabe's, then he heard a familar voice belting out a number on e Karioke, "oh ma godfathers" groaned Lachie
anneoctober
09-Oct-07, 13:24
id wis e dulcet tones o Johno singing "cam all ye faithfull ,cam o'er e Ord", Lachie felt an immense sigh o relief at hearan e Kaitnes toung again. O'er e heids o loupin highlanders, he eyes fixed upon ........
a bottle of Old Pultney - balancing, dangerously close to, the edge of the shelf - and underneath the unsuspecting Johno sang on! Lachie started to move towards Johno - afraid that a wrong move would send the bottle crashing down onto Johno's head! Slowly, carefully he made his way through the crowd ..............................
and he just managed to get to the bottle and push it right to the back of the shelf when WHAM, johno hit him across the face with one o his infractions, 'don't you dare try tae kiss me ya waste o space' and with that everything went black as Lachie fell to the ground with a.......
whole bunch o they camps wimmin thinkin he widny get away fay them he let oot an almichty roar ,aye ok but be gentle wi
me 'You, You, we dinna want you, it's yer Wispa were efter man, you dinna half think yer it eh?' As quick as a flash Lachie found himself all alone and Wispaless, never mind them, he heard a voice say, looking around he saw Lolabelle and she looked so sad. 'You okay, Lola' he said, 'Yes she said, i'm just fed up looking for anneoctober, nanoo and laguna2, they asked me to meet them here, as usual i've missed the boat' 'GET IT' 'missed the boat, Yes you've got it WHOOSH ding dong! ding dong! and the Cutty Sark passed along and picked them both up for the BOOZE UP. 'Man this is the life, wine, woman and johno singing. I'm gonna enjoy this party because.......
anneoctober
10-Oct-07, 02:26
when at Morag catches had o me , ah'll be git n a d'vils ouwn scold an. Lachie grabbed Lolabelle, micht as weel be hung for a sheep as a lamb he roared . STREWTH Lachie, ya could wi a dump in the billabong eau de skippy is fair strong on your breath ya good for nothin POM! :eek: No sooner had Lolabelle uttered these sweet nothin 's into Lachie's lougg wen a blood curdlin scream went roond e pub..........
Lolabelle
10-Oct-07, 08:12
"Lachlan! You good for nothing. You're no son of mine" It was Queen Kay of the org, "I have no son" she spat at him visciously. Lachie felt his lower lip quiver." M, m, mother, is that really you?"
Welcomefamily
10-Oct-07, 11:04
Of course it is BOY, Ive be'n 'earing of your behaviour, just like yer faffer, what do you think yer playing at?...............
it wisnea me Ma honest et wis eh drink an at Nanoo an Anneoctober leadin me astray, ah wid never go intea a camps bar withoot
'ye only effer think o' yersel ya ungrateful eejit, dae ye ken whit, yer jist a waste o' skin.' Poor lachie turned away his mothers cruel words ringing in his ears, he found himself standing at the harbour and staring into the waters below, it seemed to be beckoning him to jump, when all of a sudden Sharon appeared at his side, dear Sharon, dear sweet Sharon.............
at that Lachie jumped richt in tae get awa fae Sharon but he didnae look first an he landed in heap on top o a Trust & made great gapin hole in it and sank et, Sharon in her wisdom called oot eh fire brigade but it was Ozzy that arrived he tried tae get a had o Lachie so Lachie made a swim for it but in E dark he got so disoriented that he
swan rite up e river wick and then he felt his foot caught and held fast. As he thrashed about in e river, he tried to see wot was dragging him under. thru e darkness he could just about make out the outline of a big wire basket on wheels and on e handle big red words spelt out TESCO. HELP, shouted
Lachie, i'm going down. As he was going under for e third time, he spied Johnno strolling along e riverbank and shouted louder. Johnno heard e commotion and peered over e edge of e railings .............
but before johno could do anything three o e quoiting shed alchy,s jumped in an dragged Lachie oot an they resusitated him wi a good slug o e white lightning, now wi a bit o dutch courage in im lachie headed straight back till e camps tae hev it oot wi
ozzy. Full of white lightning fighting spirit,he dashed into e camps bar and went smack, straight into ...........
Welcomefamily
10-Oct-07, 22:37
a legless anne october, she had already lead him astray once today, now it was his turn, he...................................
caught her in the middle of a spin as she was rockin & rollin to the local karioky artist but she slipped through his grasp an landed up in the airms o ozzy who wis chattin up nanoo at e time, sharon on seein this vented her spite oot an
Welcomefamily
11-Oct-07, 00:02
pour a pint of white lighting all over her? anne october turned around and faced sharon, she hissed and her eyes turned firey red, her finger nails seemed to lenghten and she............
pointed to the back of the room and said, 'Don't just stand there Sweaty Betty, get over here and remove this abomination from my sight, she walks in and abuses our friends, not to mention our hospitality, and she still expects Lachie to swoon at her feet.' At the same time as this is going on, Nanoo took her bottle of sangria and sweet cider and tia maria and advoccat and whisky and Anneoctober and left the room. 'Lets go tae the waterfront an get bladdered' said nanoo and as they went into the nightclub they heard Johno behind them shouting, wait for me, wait for me and Lolabelle. Turning round to look Anneoctober stumbled into...........
Welcomefamily
11-Oct-07, 10:15
the dark cold water, however this was her lucky day, some man from a maltesers advert on TV who wears little more than a tea towel had just been in swimming and was just in the process of changing from his swim wear, being a perfect gentleman he just jumped in after her, she...............
fat Jockie,s airms but Nanoo shouts get yer greasy hauns aff o her ye mucky brute ye,so the whole lot o them got barred an hed tae make thur way up till e crown bar in a square where they met up wi
dozen or so lassies on a hen night, they were all having such a good time so they tagged along too. Into the bar they all trooped and there right up on a makeshift stage stood...........
a wee bachile 'o a mannie, in his everyday mini kilt, with a great beeg sporran. he was reading oot daft chokes an.........
scoffin a wispa bar at the same time. What a let down, we were just about to leave when someone shouted, ' struth Lola, last time i clapped eyes on you was at a barbie in Queensland, strike me flamin speechless.' After recovering from her own shock Lola said ' giday to you Mick, meet the gang, girls and johno meet the one and only Mick (crocodile) Dundee.' With that she threw herself into his.........
Lolabelle
11-Oct-07, 19:30
... huge swimming pool, the one with the waterfall and underwater lighting. Lachie unable to resist the lure of the beautiful clear water, made to jump in after her. Poised to jump,but waiting for the crowd to notice he heard the dulcet tones of...
Sharon, having a bit of a barny with Ozzy, creeping up behind him he gave him a shove and with a splish splash Ozzy belly crashed into the water, while all this was going on however, back in the crown bar the girls had to drag anneoctober off johno because he refused to take her with him and mrs johno down to ayrshire with them on a break. All she wanted was a Kit Kat but johno...........
Lolabelle
12-Oct-07, 09:54
... refused, and was about to hit her over the head with an infraction when Mrs Johno grabbed the infraction and ....
stuck it in Lachies ear. 'Thats what you get when you don't share your Wispa with us' Poor Lache, he staggered of into the street and..........
started to howl at the moon and thats when the bobbies intervened
at this, Lachie took off up the high street and into back bridge street shouting, 'Naw Naw the keystone cops, a thought they only existed in movies, heaven help me' Just then, he heard a soft voice 'Pst pst, in here,' and a hand beconning him into a dark doorway,when he got there he was amazed to see Sharon...........
withoot her make up on. ye gads it wis a sicht fer sore eyes richt enuff
so he hitailed it o there back to where he thocht Morag wis to beg her
for a wee half, just to steady his nerves, if you know what i mean. When he got there however, Sweaty Betty and Annoctober were on the scene, just having dropped Lola and Nanoo of at the Mackays Hotel for the night as they were well and truly bladdered. Anneoctober said someone was there a while ago looking for him(Lachie) and she didna like the look o him at aw, she began to........
anneoctober
12-Oct-07, 20:24
to shake hir heid, " Sweaty Betty gie me a han til steady masel" "ah'm see an 3 Lachies and non of them are lookin guid"!! "hey ! ye fousty faced mannie behin e bar, set up e pints for gawds sake" and with that retort anneoctober collapsed on a conveniently placed...............
puff..... and she completely vanished, 'whar did she go' asked a gobsmacked Lachie, and with that said---puff..... and he to vanished, with goin on here cried.......
Morag who said i just picked this old pot up offo a bar an it rubbed against ma blouse an this funny wee man at my side said to me i grant you two wishes so i said christ i wish this headache wid go away and at that Lachie vanished in a puff so now i
dinna ken whit tae wish for. Just at that point Ozzy came in looking for Sharon and as Morag remembered her last run in with him, she declared, ' Whit makes ye think a no whar yer daft wife is, geez peace, a jist came in here fur a quate pint so sling yer hook moron face and take a rin and jump, a wish a wis in Timbuctu wi a big strong darkie on ma arm. Poof! and she was gone. The barman at this point was still reeling from the first two vanishings and he was just about.......
sneak anither drink on e hoose but efter seein that he decided he hed enuff to sign e pledge & mebby take up romancin anneoctober instead but she wis oot for e coont so he hed tae turn es attentions on
sweaty betty, who had just walked in. He was so intoxicated she looked the most beautiful woman on the planet to him. They were in each others arms and out of the door in a matter of seconds. Boy! would i like to see his face when he wakes up in the morning. Meanwhile, Johno, has asked Lola to help him count his infractions, to see he has enough for Lachie and Morags new house because if he has'nt he is going to have to go to the Org and earn more of them,which, for Johno seems to be no problem at all. They had just started when suddenly.........
johno appeared wi anither lorry load o thae infractions, enough to put up a substantial erection , maybe even three or even fower story, s high, beeg enuff till had aw a org buddy,s and maybe sell some o a leftover wans till an art gallery in glesgow or edinburgh. so while a is wis goin on lachie & sweaty betty were gettin up till no good at a back o a
local shop. They were so carried away with themselves the did'nt hear Lord lucan approach from their left and Lachie just felt the sudden thud on his head and he staggered sideways screaming, 'Whit the dicken wis that? ma head is fare burstin, dis onybudy have a painkiller?' 'Ave got the very thing,' says Lord Lucan, "all teach ye tae mess wi ma wummin,' and with that he produced a.............
hanfull o fives right intae the face o lachie but lachie hed sobered up enuff tae duck an take evasive action an that,s when the invisable man catched a had o lucan an told him it,s a while since either o us hed been seen dae ye want a new search party oot lookin for us again ,so lucan sed aye yer no far far wrong there lets just dissapear again and thats
when the poof appeared again and said, ' excuse me, do you think this lipstick goes with my new dress?' Lachie and Lord Lucan just looked at one another and were heard roaring as loud as they could as they ran, 'Let me oot o here for heavens sake, whaurs the Cutty Sark when ye need her?' Anneoctober, by this time was up and about on her daily paper delivery job. 'Goodmorning, nanoo and hows your head this fine morning?' Nanoo, however was rubbing said head because she was hung..........
upside down and inside out wiv all that alcohol. Ats it, she cried,fae now on, I'm on e band wagon. "where's e band wagon, pipped up Lachie, i'm needing a lift to ....................
Welcomefamily
16-Oct-07, 14:24
the internet caff, gota get ona e org and catch up with thread on ........
'How to Get infractions' if i had my own says Lachie, i could build my own house and widna need to feel obliged tae johno.I asked him, but he widna tell me. I think this is because......
there,s only so many. an johno is this years target, an since were drawing near a end o a year johno want.s tae get the big infraction prize which is gonny be awarded on e first dry sunday in e middle o e week in spooners but he disny mind ge,an em a awa fer a good cause tae help oot a mate get a roof ower his heid, he,ll even gie lachie a han tae
tae get a few o' his ane. By and large he'll still need johno to help him with the building and this is not a problem. Johno says he'll gladly help with the project. Nooooo if ave a say in it boyo, says sweaty betty grabbing Lachie by his long hair. They ifractions are mine and.......
anneoctober
16-Oct-07, 21:21
ah'm choost e wummin to beld a hoosie for e twa o us Lachie, as she ran her calloused hans thro his tresses and caressed his wee..............
bit o a Wispa he had left. "Get yir grubby wee mitts aff, ya piece o' garbage that ye are, nae body, an a mean nae body touches me or onithing belangin me, unless a say so.' Sweety betty was so astonished at Lachies' outburst that she..........
fainted on the spot an landed full on, on Morag, oh my , my love o my life shouted Lachie as he just realised how much Morag meant to him.
But it was to late the sheer impact of Sweaty Betty landing on her was a CLair Harper job to be sure. After the five ambulance men lifted Betty offa Morag Lachie was so distrought wi grief that he
never noticed Ollie dashing over and pushing Morag out of harms way,therefore taking the full impact himself. Morag picked herself up and on hearing Lachies lament, threw herself into his arms, 'Oh lachie,' she said, 'lets go on a second honeymoon to Smoo Cave, the first time aroon we didna hae the boatie but this time they have one so we ca go richt intae the cave itsel, oh lachie, the sheer romance o' it awe.' Just at that Anneoctober appeared on the scene arm in arm with........
Johno and Karia, he was wearing his best kilt and had a smile, that was so bright it.......
blinded everyone in the nearby area, in the rush to the shoppie that sells shades golach got
Lolabelle
17-Oct-07, 23:07
knocked into the path of Sweaty Betty and if it wasn't for ....
fact that Johno,s kilt was so bright and blurred his vision Golach would have fell head over heels for Sweaty Betty, but instead he wanted to get kitted out in Maccallan,s where he met a beautiful
a beautiful sheila from down under, and she was fair dinkum, and asked golach for come and share her barby, "Here Golach, have a tinnie and throw a snag or a yabby on the barby and then we can go and"........
check out the drinks cupboard for a little something to get...
Lolabelle
18-Oct-07, 11:25
...plastered with. "I love a Bacardi", she cooed at him, "howaboutyou?" she asked as she fluttered her four inch long eyelashes at him. Golach gulped and said, "Uhh, um...."
"weel actually, I would prefer a Bundaberg Gold with some ice, if thats not a problem?.......
but it is a problem shouts Lachie, 'this is my story, mine and morags, i dinna mind a mention or two wi ither characters but i'll be blowed if a let ye cut me oot aw the gither.' 'Calm yourself Lachie, calm yourself says Golach, this is just a couple of lines on a page as a filler to allow you and Morag to get to your designated position for the next scenario' 'Weel a guess that'll be aw richt then a suppose,' says Lachie just as...........
scratches off a scratchcard to reveal £40,000 , jings almichty he roars oot lookit this ahv hit the jackpot. a can hardly believe ma good luck fars
'at sheila from Oz, its lovely an warm over there an I would like till be a modern day Ned Kelly 'an do some thread stealing in comfort as they do oer 'e Org, but.........
unfortunately for Lachie, Morag was at his back and before he knew what had happened, she snatched the scratchcard right out of his hand and could be heard for miles around shouting as she ran in the opposite direction, 'Whoopee, Whoopee, Sweaty Betty and me are off to see my friend cilla in Las Vegas' Lachie, was gobsmacked, to say the least, but not one to let things get him down he phoned..........
anneoctober
18-Oct-07, 22:58
nanoo and telt her fit hed happened. "Lachie, get yur skates on buyag and grab yur passport, ah'll no hev at flibberty gibbet runnin awa wie yur scratchkerd!" The fact that nanoo was already thinking ahead til a "manhatten " followed kweek by a "bloo lagoon" wis neither here or ere! "Haud on noo...." a piercing shrill echoed through e ..........
air, an ther wis Anneoctober a 'sex on the beach' in one hand and her passport in the other.' You were never gonna leave me here were you' nanoo looked at her, 'Never in a million years anneoctober, your ma drinkin buddy and we were gonna pick you up as we passed your local watering hole, still that saved us time, so lets get tae the airport before aw the cocktails are awa.' Just then their bus came round the corner, being driven by none other than........
Johno who promptly stopped an picked them up, whar are we goin asked johno. were gonny catch that morag an get back Lachies scratchkerd. so off the bus went, more of a the wheels o the bus went roond & roond than a screech o tyres, an roon a corner wis morag runnin as fast as wee leggy,s wid take her but the bus soon catched up wi er an wi anneoctober an nanno poised on the door ready to pounce
the scratchcard was soon back safely in the hands of Lachie, who as it happens was so grateful he offered the girls and Johno a trip to Vegas with him. The all set off to cash in the cardie and imagine the surprise when the cheque arrived and it was for a massive 400,000 pounds, Lachie had misread the amount originally. After Johno, Anneoctober and Nanoo scooped him up off the ground, he found himself being bundled into a taxi. When, all of a sudden these voices piped up shouting, us to, us to please, there in the airport were, Lolabelle. Golach and Wifie all pleading to go with them. ' Nae bother, say Lachie, the mare the merrier, lets go an show these yanks hoo tae hiv a gid time, Vegas here we come.' That was the last words heard from them as the plane took of from Prestwick airport. Unfortunately it never got to America and speculation abounds as..........
Lolabelle
19-Oct-07, 14:08
Lolabelle hijacked the plane and grabbing the microphone said, "Can I have your attention please. This plane is detouring to Sydney Australia, as I forgot to feed the dogs and the nice pilot is going to stop by my place so I can do my jobs and then we can carry onto the good ole U S of A" the plane was totally silent, until Anneoctober shouted "...
g,day tae ye weve jist fun oot johno.s got cusins in Perth Aus so weel a just go an gie them a caithness awakening, so wi that decided ,they a landed in Sydney an set off for Perth in a people carrier loaded up wi cases o owld Poltney an White lightning cos wan o they quoiting shed hero.s hed stowed away in e plane asweel, they just got ontae a dual carriageway when motorbike cop stopped em cause they were a shouting out at a kangaroo wi a case o rum in its pouch
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