golach
19-Aug-07, 13:37
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something 'herby'. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something, T something, R.
I was reading this book today, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today for some information. The bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
Might not appreciate this if you are not aware of who Tommy Cooper was and his particular brand of humour.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "This is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today. I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "You can have Hopscotch if you like. We won't stop you."
I fancied a game of darts with my mate but he was too heavy to throw and besides, his head wasn't pointed enough". So I asked another mate if he wanted to play. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah". I went "Moo". He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway when my boss phoned and told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher. I swerved again. Then he made me Managing Director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It was so small: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
When I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, "Eurostar?" I said, "Well, I've been on telly but I'm no Cliff Richard."
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and said, "Can I take out 'The Elephant Man'?" He said, "He's not your type." So I said, "Can I borrow 'Batman Forever'?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something 'herby'. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something, T something, R.
I was reading this book today, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today for some information. The bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
Might not appreciate this if you are not aware of who Tommy Cooper was and his particular brand of humour.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "This is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today. I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "You can have Hopscotch if you like. We won't stop you."
I fancied a game of darts with my mate but he was too heavy to throw and besides, his head wasn't pointed enough". So I asked another mate if he wanted to play. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah". I went "Moo". He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway when my boss phoned and told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher. I swerved again. Then he made me Managing Director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It was so small: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
When I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, "Eurostar?" I said, "Well, I've been on telly but I'm no Cliff Richard."
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and said, "Can I take out 'The Elephant Man'?" He said, "He's not your type." So I said, "Can I borrow 'Batman Forever'?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."