Double Standards

[rockchick]

I've worked with many contractor staff in the past, where the contractors (mostly blokes) are working onsite from Monday to Friday, and go home on the weekends. They seemed to think this was normal...

I (a lowly female) am in a brilliant job which requires me to work on site, Monday to Friday, and come home on weekends. My youngest daughter is in high school, so family commitments aren't an issue (i.e no young children)...yet my hubby (bless him) is having difficulties adjusting to this.

Am I out of my rights expecting him to conform to this? Why should a woman working away from home be any different from a man? Or do guys have problems with this scenario that they aren't advertising?

Comments on a postcard please...

[anneoctober]

It's called a ball 'n' chain wifie - YOU don't have one :lol:
Girl Power lives on [lol]

[Moira]

My hubby has worked away from home. Now I do that on a regular basis. We worked it out as we needed to. Is this a serious question, Rockchick, or did you actually not anticipate and discuss the real issues beforehand with your hubby?

[sam]

I asked my hubby how he would feel in the same situation, his answer was "if thats what you wanted to do and were happy then whats the problem", :confused Either that or maybe he is trying to tell me something ;)

[Ricco]

I've worked with many contractor staff in the past, where the contractors (mostly blokes) are working onsite from Monday to Friday, and go home on the weekends. They seemed to think this was normal...

I (a lowly female) am in a brilliant job which requires me to work on site, Monday to Friday, and come home on weekends. My youngest daughter is in high school, so family commitments aren't an issue (i.e no young children)...yet my hubby (bless him) is having difficulties adjusting to this.

Am I out of my rights expecting him to conform to this? Why should a woman working away from home be any different from a man? Or do guys have problems with this scenario that they aren't advertising?

Comments on a postcard please...

Hi, Rockchick.... been a long time.

From a bloke's perspective:

A guy works away... with other guys. You are working away... with other guys. Different circumstances. He feels threatened and worried, natural from a bloke's point of view. Males (of any species) 'win' their partner, or mate, and then the pair set up 'nest' and spend their lives together. The male's instinctive goal is to fend off any challengers. You have placed him in the insecure position of not only being unable to fend off challengers but also expect him to accept the situation.

I would take to him and reassure him. DON'T go down the "don't you trust me" road - it will only make things worse. With communication and time he will get used to the idea.

[rockchick]

We did discuss it in depth beforehand, however the reality of the situation is just starting to hit him, that I'm not going to be around Monday-Friday.

It isn't an issue of trust, sorry guess I should have made that clear, its more the start-stop of our home-life that's throwing him off kilter.

[Lolabelle]

I don't really think double standards come into it. I have agreed to be in a business that takes my husband away and dominates our lives. When we discussed it prior it all seemed quite managable. But the reality is that I hate it and he loves it. So one of us has to compromise. Do I force Dave to stop and do something he dislikes or do I put up with it and be miserable???
I have decided to make the best of it and not offer any ultimatums. He knows that this is not my desire and passion, but that I support him regardless. And he supports my desire to visit the UK, even though it is not as important to him. Sometimes we just have to support something that is not really our own hearts desire. :confused

[Angela]

A guy works away... with other guys. You are working away... with other guys. Different circumstances. He feels threatened and worried, natural from a bloke's point of view. Males (of any species) 'win' their partner, or mate, and then the pair set up 'nest' and spend their lives together. The male's instinctive goal is to fend off any challengers. You have placed him in the insecure position of not only being unable to fend off challengers but also expect him to accept the situation.

I would take to him and reassure him. DON'T go down the "don't you trust me" road - it will only make things worse. With communication and time he will get used to the idea.

Rockchick, it took me quite a while before I realised this is how guys think! They build the 'nest' and they feel their 'mate's' place is right there in it - I think they find it harder to feel at home without us there, than we do if they're away from home.

It can be hard for the partner who isn't working away -they can feel 'left behind', and that can raise worries and uncertainties. What doesn't seem a problem in theory doesn't always seem that acceptable in practice.

I don't think it's surprising that your hubby's finding this change of lifestyle difficult to come to terms with, but hopefully in time you will all adjust to the new situation. :)

[helenwyler]

Hello Rockchick:D

MrW and I were young in the late 70's and inherited its lefty trends, so he never expected his partner to 'look after' him and is reasonably independent (apart from the fact that he doesn't know how to operate the washing machine and is asthmatic, so doesn't hoover!!).

Although he would be happy for me in theory to work away as much as he has for many years, he would be totally at sea in terms of 'running' a home - something we women all learn only through experience.

Only a stab in the dark, but maybe some of his anxiety is due to so-called trivial things like planning menus for the week, shopping lists, laundry requirements etc:eek:, maybe a fear of failure in something which is commonly regarded as easy by some (but by no means all ) men!

Just a thought - good luck!

[Ricco]

It is hard and took me a long time to get used to it. Many rows happened in the past. It also needs your partner to see things from your perspective. I actually find these occasions very useful for getting all those noisy and messy DIY jobs done. ;)