View Full Version : Who are you?
cuddlepop
16-Jul-07, 21:09
Feeling a bit lost,maybe an identity crisis,I'm not sure but I've been wondering who I am.
I know its a very deep thread:eek:
I'm a mother,sister,aunt,cousin,friend and probably foe but who am I really.
Not in paid employment but am a full time carer to a daughter with special needs for the past 16 years.Is it a paid job that gives you your identity or something else?
I use to rattle the cages of the service providers about their lack of childrens services but now I know there's no point.Adult services are just as dire.:(
How would you define yourself?
soccermom
16-Jul-07, 21:25
I know the feeling cuddlepop, although I'm not in your position and can't truly imagine what hoops you must have to go through to get help.
I'm a wife, mother, only daughter of an elderly and increasingly infirm (but thankfully still sharp as a tack) mum, aunt, employee. I was going to put friend in there too but it sounds a bit cheesy. The order of priority depends on what crisis happens to be underway at any particular time.
When my mother fell ill and was hopitalised in the city I felt quite isolated and out of the loop but discovered on subsequent occasions that you have to push for every little bit of help. I understand the system better now I suppose.
I do sometimes wonder where "me" comes into it though. I think that I'm just at that life stage where other people tend to come first - although I'm sure in a few years I'll be moaning that I've no-one to fuss over and look after!
cuddlepop
16-Jul-07, 21:44
Soccermum,its probably a mum thing.
My mum's been ill now for the past few months and is under going tests to see if she has MS.Maybe its the thought of now looking after my mum as well as my daughter thats making me feel like "who am I ,where has me gone?"
It's very difficult when you're sandwiched between two generations who both need you, cp. Seeing our parents as vulnerable and in a sense having to become their parents, especially when you are still actively parenting your own children, is confusing too.
There's now nobody older than me in my family, which is quite a scary feeling. :eek:
I think any period of change and stress makes us wonder quite who we are, and to a great extent we do define ourselves by our relationships with other people, especially those close to us.
I've found it very hard to come to terms with being a widow rather than a wife, but I must say it's a lot easier and more enjoyable getting used to being a granny! :)
Do try to find the time to take care of yourself!
Angela x
cuddlepop
16-Jul-07, 22:10
Thank you Angela.
Think we're actually called the "sandwich" carers:eek:
Strange thing is, much of the time I feel very little different from how I did at 16! Now that is a scary thought! :roll: :lol:
Hi Angela,
I usually go for 17, a good year all round!
Me & OH met at a very young age!
You've got it spot on, but I'm lucky,.just the, 75 year old, The 80 year old,..and my mum,..at 81, feisty mad as,...by the way, ..forget pudding and you have a big round trip to make!:roll:
I love my mum, so much more now, its a learnin' curve! One I am more than happy to make.:)
karia
you do often loose your individuality when you give so much of yourself away. i have always felt whole and just me no matter what has transpired in my life. until tom, now i feel as if a part of Me is missing. its very strange. i dont feel like you normally feel when you loose someone. it feels as if a part of myself, of who i am is just gone and i will never get that piece back.
i guess it goes back to you are a part of your mother and your daughter is a part of you. all three of you are parts of each other yet seprate people.
i know that may not make sence and im feeling pretty random tonight .. so may be off my head as usual.. but just the way i feel right now.
Hi Brandy,
We hear you!
and love you for who YOU are, not anyones anything!...Just Brandy!;)
Karia
I am what I am. I have no one else to be.
Lolabelle
17-Jul-07, 06:27
I hear you girls, (must be a bit of a girly subject, fella's are just doing their thing)
I think sometimes we get so caught up in being everything to everyone that we forget to make time and head space for ourselves.
I am involved in the running of a transport business, am studying and trying to write, run a house, and am involved in a church fellowship. I used to stress myself no end trying to not let anyone down and be there for each and every thing. But have decided to STOP. When it starts to be a burden (all the extras for others, not my family) then I think that I am doing it for the wrong reason. So now I have decided to save and visit the UK, I have been doing everything that everyone else wants for the last 25 years and it is my turn, and luckily for me, Dave appreciates my need to do this.
Who am I? I am Paula/Lola and that is who I am, I am not what I do. I am the sum of my parts. I am happy with who I am. I am me!!!:D
Having said all that, I hope it says something to you, but if it doesn't, well it feels good to me to have said it.
I hear you girls, (must be a bit of a girly subject, fella's are just doing their thing)
I think sometimes we get so caught up in being everything to everyone that we forget to make time and head space for ourselves.
I am involved in the running of a transport business, am studying and trying to write, run a house, and am involved in a church fellowship. I used to stress myself no end trying to not let anyone down and be there for each and every thing. But have decided to STOP. When it starts to be a burden (all the extras for others, not my family) then I think that I am doing it for the wrong reason. So now I have decided to save and visit the UK, I have been doing everything that everyone else wants for the last 25 years and it is my turn, and luckily for me, Dave appreciates my need to do this.
Who am I? I am Paula/Lola and that is who I am, I am not what I do. I am the sum of my parts. I am happy with who I am. I am me!!!
Having said all that, I hope it says something to you, but if it doesn't, well it feels good to me to have said it.
No, it does affect blokes as well but in a different way. I too still feel around 24-ish - thank goodness I can keep my composure most of the time and not behave like it ;).
I am finding that I increasingly wish to go back to places that I have lived in before, though I know that in most cases this is not a good idea. I used to live in Cheshire for 3 years and once went back - the entire area had become a huge estate -yuk! Thurso, however, does not undergo such radical changes. I know that this provides little in the way of opportunities for work but it does prevent it becoming another large conurbation.
I'm a bloke and no, this is not exclusively a girly thing. It's a human thing. I believe that who I am is less important than how i am. How I operate as a human being and who I think I am has been determined by where I was born.
If I had been born in Japan or the North Pole I would have been different from how I am now but I would still be governed by the same human impulses and as a result of those impulses.....feelings!
Feelings are what makes me who I am. Nothing else! I believe feelings are not isolated impulses but are closely related to a structured evidence of reality every human being experiences as they mature from birth to death.
Some of us get stuck in a rut as a result of these automatic responses which I believe are nothing more than defence mechanisms against getting hurt, either physically or emotionally.
I further believe that most of these mechanisms inhabit an unconscious side of our natures so if anyone disagrees with me it's mostly because they are not aware of their own stuff. ;) (<<<<<<<<Joke)
Lolabelle
17-Jul-07, 08:57
I gotta say that I'm so glad to hear that men have the same kind of introspective feelings as we girls. I tend to think (incorrectly I know), that the fella's are just work and rest orientated. But my husband isn't like that, so how I manage to assume others are, is a bit of a mystery to me.
Ricco something I have noticed is that I don't want to go back to where I used to live and things like that, for some reason I want to move to somewhere I have never been, and Dave seems to be feeling the same. I love moving to a new area and learning all about it, I love the newness of new things and experiences. I was about to say that I feel the same as when I was 20, but you know what, I don't. Because at 20, I was a depressed miserable person, who didn't want to live past 25, scared of anything new, and now I am a happy, contented, adventurer, who loves to try new things. NO wonder I like me now, I am so much more fun. ;)
helenwyler
17-Jul-07, 10:31
Hello cuddlepop:Razz!
I've only got my last and very difficult teenager to 'care' for at the moment, so I don't now have the pressures you have, but the question of who I am is only recently resolving itself...
Mum was a Yorkshire miner's daughter whose father scrimped and saved to pay for her secondary education (she would be 90 now). She was very conscious of the value of "education" and her way of making sure I "got on" in the world was to compare me negatively to my peers, especially 'goodie goodies' who I privately disliked!!
I'm sure she thought she was urging me on in a positive way,but
you can imagine what a negative effect this had on my feelings of identity:confused.
Well I got into Cambridge and her ambitions for me were fulfilled, but I still felt 'not quite good enough' because I never had. She was a teacher and wanted me to 'do better'!! What is better than a good teacher? The words of the teachers I most admired in my life still echo in my head.
Anyhow, guess what, I'm a teacher!! A dyslexia specialist teacher and I LOVE it. Small-scale, part-time, underpaid, but making a difference to some children's self-esteem and attitude to school.
Hang on in there cuddlepop...nothing stays the same forever!
I hope you do'nt mind me joining in on this thread I used to know who I was mother,daughter,sister,auntie,grand mother,friend,etc but in April 2004 I lost "me" for ever I lost my son.I lost part of me that can never be replaced.Now I am still a mother to my beatiful daughter but theres still 50% of mother missing i am still a daughter,sister,auntie,grand mother,friend etc but theres part of me missing.So do I find "me" again on this journey through life or do I wait until I also join my son then once more I am completely 100% me.
cuddlepop
17-Jul-07, 15:24
I hope you do'nt mind me joining in on this thread I used to know who I was mother,daughter,sister,auntie,grand mother,friend,etc but in April 2004 I lost "me" for ever I lost my son.I lost part of me that can never be replaced.Now I am still a mother to my beatiful daughter but theres still 50% of mother missing i am still a daughter,sister,auntie,grand mother,friend etc but theres part of me missing.So do I find "me" again on this journey through life or do I wait until I also join my son then once more I am completely 100% me.
Everyone's welcome to join the thread Moureen.So sorry to hear about your sad loss cant even begin to imagine the ache you must feel.My identity crisis pails into insignificance.
I can relate to going back to your roots,we've both been going back to our old stomping grounds these past few months.Stirring up lots of happy memories.
Glad no one's really identified themselves with their job.Although that is one of the first things a new aquantaince will ask.:eek:
Being a mum is the most important thing in my life and I should be grateful for that.
Who am I? Nobody really...
cuddlepop
17-Jul-07, 17:55
Who am I? Nobody really...
Now I know I dont know you Sandra but I guess you've had a crap day.
Repeat after me.
I am a special person and I would be missed.:D
Stop and think about all the little things you do.Even saying hello to someone could make their day.Your hello might be the only human contact they have all day.
That's what makes the Org. so special!
Here we are our own, unique, individual selves,..regardless of occupation, marital status, kids etc.
No-one knows if we're looking our worst,...but folks here care if we are feeling our worst.
Someone on another forum lost a dear friend and was told ' well, she was only a virtual friend!':roll: She had known this person for 10 years and met them twice...That, however, is not the point, I don't consider you 'virtual friends'
and I would be very, very upset to lose any of you, even those I argue with, ( in many ways,..especially those I argue with!;))
Thank you guys!
No-one knows if we're looking our worst,...
Now that is a definite bonus...when I check in to the Org in the morning, nobody knows (or cares) that I am wearing NO MAKE-UP...:o[para]...
Now that is a definite bonus...when I check in to the Org in the morning, nobody knows (or cares) that I am wearing NO MAKE-UP.....
Yes honey, but you're always wearing a smile!:D;)
Karia
Well today i feel quite worthless but cant put my finger on it why !Im not depressed have a good social life and have 4 wonderfull grown-up kids with kids of their own, a very loving hubby, i cant say i want for anything but still i find myself thinking i wouldnt be missed if anything were to happen to me . And im not simpathy hunting !!! Just feeling a way in which i cant really describe. I wonder why our brain makes us feel so low at times when nothing has gone wrong or bad . Am i weird when im sitting watching tv for instance and imagining ive just died and how everyone around me copes ?? I surpose it a motherly instint to worry about things like that ....is it ??? jan x:confused
cuddlepop
17-Jul-07, 19:32
Well today i feel quite worthless but cant put my finger on it why !Im not depressed have a good social life and have 4 wonderfull grown-up kids with kids of their own, a very loving hubby, i cant say i want for anything but still i find myself thinking i wouldnt be missed if anything were to happen to me . And im not simpathy hunting !!! Just feeling a way in which i cant really describe. I wonder why our brain makes us feel so low at times when nothing has gone wrong or bad . Am i weird when im sitting watching tv for instance and imagining ive just died and how everyone around me copes ?? I surpose it a motherly instint to worry about things like that ....is it ??? jan x:confused
I can say with all honesty Jan that I too have felt like that all too often.Its not depression just "worthlessness".
It'll pass usually does:)
Lolabelle
18-Jul-07, 01:37
Well today i feel quite worthless but cant put my finger on it why !Im not depressed have a good social life and have 4 wonderfull grown-up kids with kids of their own, a very loving hubby, i cant say i want for anything but still i find myself thinking i wouldnt be missed if anything were to happen to me . And im not simpathy hunting !!! Just feeling a way in which i cant really describe. I wonder why our brain makes us feel so low at times when nothing has gone wrong or bad . Am i weird when im sitting watching tv for instance and imagining ive just died and how everyone around me copes ?? I surpose it a motherly instint to worry about things like that ....is it ??? jan x:confused
Jan(paris) I think we all feel like that at times, I know I do, but if you be realistic and think of your kids, husband friend and relatives, you know that if you disapeared they would be devastated. And then there is your friends here. Many times you have gave me a giggle or a tear with some of your thought provoking comments and funny anecdotes. We are all needed and loved. Especially you. :grin:
helenwyler
18-Jul-07, 09:40
Well today i feel quite worthless but cant put my finger on it why !Im not depressed have a good social life and have 4 wonderfull grown-up kids with kids of their own, a very loving hubby, i cant say i want for anything but still i find myself thinking i wouldnt be missed if anything were to happen to me . And im not simpathy hunting !!! Just feeling a way in which i cant really describe. I wonder why our brain makes us feel so low at times when nothing has gone wrong or bad . Am i weird when im sitting watching tv for instance and imagining ive just died and how everyone around me copes ?? I surpose it a motherly instint to worry about things like that ....is it ??? jan x:confused
I have days like this too Paris. Can't listen to music without tears welling up, no energy, just feeling very low without any obvious reason...
It's so hard when your children have flown the nest and and you don't seem to be needed nearly as much as you you did for so many years (mine will be doing that in the next few years). But remember that their happiness and independance is a measure of your success as a mother! And you are still vital to their sense of well-being.
Maybe it's a hormonal thing too? It hasn't got much to do with rationality in my case at least!!
Hope you're feeling a bit better today!
Helen
Isnt it funny how a few words from others makes you feel better. I took my frustrations out yesterday by knocking a wall out in my kitchen ! Then had the boring task of cleaning up ! Thank-you all and i know that if i ever got "so down " i can always talk to you all . jan xx:D
Isnt it funny how a few words from others makes you feel better. I took my frustrations out yesterday by knocking a wall out in my kitchen ! Then had the boring task of cleaning up ! Thank-you all and i know that if i ever got "so down " i can always talk to you all . jan xx:D
I hope that you had planned to knock down the wall in your kitchen!
I am just me. If people don't like it then there is nothing I can do about that.
I think we are different people at different times in our lives. Im having to readjust to being a soon to be new mum when i thought that part of my life was long over and after being alone for five years i am readjusting to being someone's partner, lover, best friend. Our lives never stay the same and who we are changes in relation to that.
In addition our values change too, Im not the same person today that i was five years ago or fifteen years ago. i try not to worry too much about labelling who i am and rather concentrate on whether who i am is likeable. Life has a way of giving us a jolt, sometimes its nice sometimes its not but we have to find a way to muddle through
A question I've often asked. It seems that a conflict of what you do and how you feel about it can bring about this type of identity crisis.
Self perception is a fragile thing with some people. Even meeting someone new can throw some people into confusion as to their place in life.
The results of this test helped me to put things in perspective (everyone's results from this could start a whole other thread!!):-
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
A question I've often asked. It seems that a conflict of what you do and how you feel about it can bring about this type of identity crisis.
Self perception is a fragile thing with some people. Even meeting someone new can throw some people into confusion as to their place in life.
The results of this test helped me to put things in perspective (everyone's results from this could start a whole other thread!!):-
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
I gave this a very quick try (there are a lot of questions, so I was rather paranoid that I was contradicting myself!), however I was quite amazed the outcome, really quite accurate I think. :eek:
Yes it seems to be a test that is gaining more credibility.
It is almost uncanny
cuddlepop
18-Jul-07, 12:21
A question I've often asked. It seems that a conflict of what you do and how you feel about it can bring about this type of identity crisis.
Self perception is a fragile thing with some people. Even meeting someone new can throw some people into confusion as to their place in life.
The results of this test helped me to put things in perspective (everyone's results from this could start a whole other thread!!):-
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Thanks for the link Saveman.
Wil give it a try when I'm feeling brave.:)
Lolabelle
18-Jul-07, 13:05
Go for it Cuddlepop, it is totally harmless and the results are quite suprising. I thought it was good. :)
Cuddlepop,
When I was feeling particularly drained and just knew I looked awful (Haven`t done mirrors or make up for years!) somebody passed the remark "You look so awful today"..........I must have slept in the cutlery drawer for my speedy reply was "Oh, I must have died in the night and nobody told me!"
My late mother spent the last eight years of her life housebound and saw very few folk. When she died she we had the service at home as thought there would only be a handful of people there, but there were over 60 and the house must have had elastic sides that day!
I just take a day at a time as wife, daughter, carer, friend and try to take the knocks life throws at me on the chin.
cuddlepop
18-Jul-07, 15:07
Cuddlepop,
When I was feeling particularly drained and just knew I looked awful (Haven`t done mirrors or make up for years!) somebody passed the remark "You look so awful today"..........I must have slept in the cutlery drawer for my speedy reply was "Oh, I must have died in the night and nobody told me!"
My late mother spent the last eight years of her life housebound and saw very few folk. When she died she we had the service at home as thought there would only be a handful of people there, but there were over 60 and the house must have had elastic sides that day!
I just take a day at a time as wife, daughter, carer, friend and try to take the knocks life throws at me on the chin.
Good advice Poppett.usually i'll roll with all the punches life throws at me,:) just sometimes they seem to come from all directions and you wish you could just stand still for a wee while and just be you.
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