jacko
13-Oct-13, 10:25
WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?A. It is money the government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money ?A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely: * If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka * If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs * If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and GuatemalaIf you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea * If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan * If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in the UK by:1. Spending it at car boot sales2. Going to night clubs3. Spending it on prostitutes4. Buying beer or whisky5. Getting yourself a Tattoo6. Visiting a bookie(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. ) Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night ! No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.