View Full Version : Calling all agnostics and aetheists
David Banks
31-Jan-12, 13:58
How would you speak to a child whose mother had just died from an accident or early onset of disease?
weezer 316
31-Jan-12, 14:15
I would just explain what had happened. If its an accident simply say what an accident is, often bad luck, or if its an illness the best you can likely do is say what it is and they arent suffering any more.
For myself, I would break the news as gently as possible without too much detail. It is very hard to explain death or terminal illness to a very young child and it would very much depend on how much the child knows already as often their minds have been filled with fairy stories or scare stories in the past.
The truth has to be told and questions answered the best way you can without being too graphic. Let them know you will answer any questions they may have at any time in the future. Keep it as honest as you can and temper it with a promise not to forget the person and help them with any photographs of happier times they may want to look at or treasure in a frame.
Let them grieve and share and as the days go on distract them with a little light relief and give them plenty to do but still allow them to talk about their loved one.
Have you tried to see if there are any books for children in this situation? If there are (try online first) read it thoroughly yourself to make sure you approve of the way death and illness are explained and you can edit any sentences to suit the child.
Nick Noble
31-Jan-12, 14:36
Whatever you say never say that the deceased has "gone to sleep" doing so can cause real long term harm to a child who can become terrified of going to sleep!
But yes explain that the person has died, that they will not be with us any more, that you will not see them any more. That it is perfectly normal, that we all die one day.
Accept the tears, and they may well occur over many days, at seemingly random times.
If the child has been fortunate enough to live in a household with short lived pets, fish, mice etc then hopefully they will have experienced what is an "easy" death to understand, after that it just needs to be shown how normal the whole thing is.
I have had to explain death to my children several times, not admittedly their mother thankfully, but very very close relatives. Children are incredibily resilient provided they are dealt with honestly.
How it should be any different for an agnostic or aethiest I do not know, surely even those of a religious persuasion cannot use indoctrination on a child in such tragic circumstances?
JUst explain in terms, that a child would understand. Answering any questions, as simply, and honestly, as you can.
Never hide them from the truth, don't come up with flowery metaphors. Just explain that everyone dies. That it's natural to be sad. That the deceased person lives on in memories, what they said, what they did etc. It's important to focus on the time the person was alive and the experience had with them.
Like Nick said don't use the sleep thing, I suppose if they ask what death is like you could say it's LIKE going to sleep but never waking up or dreaming.
we have gone thru this several times in the past few months.. and even though we are christian the process is the same just without the additions of heaven. when we went home in aug. to see my mother who had just been diagnosed with cancer, i pretty much guaranteed the kids that granny would still be alive when we got there. that she was sick and we were going to see her to spend time with her as she was not going to get better. unfortunately the worst thing happened and she passed 4 hours before we got there. my 7year old who is autistic completely broke down as he could not cope.
after i had my melt down and was able to sit the kids down and talk with them, we talked about how granny was sick. that we knew she would not be getting better, and that her body just gave out sooner than we thought it would. we talked about how sad it was, and how everyone was upset. that it was ok to cry and be sad. that we all missed granny very much. also told the kids that just because granny was dead it did not mean that she was gone. that we would always remember her and think about her and in a little way it meant that she would always be with us.
recently, my 8 year old has been asking about death, and what happens when we die. what causes us to die? and basically what happens to our bodies when we die. not an easy question to be sure! we talked about how our bodies worked.. how our heart beat, and made blood flow thru our bodies, taking the air we breathe in from our lungs to all the other parts. and how when someone gets older or sicker that the body grows weaker and things do not work as well. eventually things start to quit working and that is when we get sick and eventually die. weve talked about how sometimes when some one is in an accident some one may be hurt badly enough that their body can not be fixed and it quits working and dies. basically, in our family we try to keep things very open and when questions are asked .. answer then as honestly and openly as possible.
How would you speak to a child whose mother had just died from an accident or early onset of disease?
With sympathy and honesty
just to add a light note to the thread.. and this may be because my family are weird to begin with.. *G* i sent my husband, oldest son (8), god brother and his son off t a football game after mamas funeral. the youngest (7) myself , my cousin and my aunt.. went to my sisters house where we fixed food for an army..watched dvds of family photos, let the kids run play and laugh, let my brothers be envious that my hubby had the most awsome wife in the world..to send them to a steelers v panthers game..and basically we celebrated my mothers life, by being happy while we were sad. living life for her, and showing the children that life does go on and they are still loved and valued by the ones left behind.
As an aside; our paternal grandmother died when we were very young and my sister and I were told that she had died and gone to heaven.
Later on in the day, mother asked us why were we sitting up at the window so long.
We replied that we were waiting to see Grannie going up to heaven!
Things are much simpler when you are young!
DragonBornsFury
03-Feb-12, 08:35
Be honest, but be honest according to what you believe. For example if your an athiest dont be to harsh & say they have gone nowhere but at the same time if your religious then tell them your views & as they get older they will make their own mind up on wether or not they will see their loved ones again.
David, most funeral directors in Canada have excellent books written for children on the subject of death. Ask at your local funeral home.
weezer 316
03-Feb-12, 12:58
Be honest, but be honest according to what you believe. For example if your an athiest dont be to harsh & say they have gone nowhere but at the same time if your religious then tell them your views & as they get older they will make their own mind up on wether or not they will see their loved ones again.
Basically your saying be honest....but then saying lie if you dont believe in fairy stories.
Just say what has happened and why if that's appropriate.
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