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achingale
20-Sep-11, 13:05
My son has no motivation for work, college or uni and sits at home all day listening to music or doing Facebook. We have tried encouraging him to take his music further as he plays several instruments but he just seems so lazy, it is like he can't be bothered. We suggest jobs and there is always a reason why he won't apply. He tired college but it was too much like hard work. I am at my wits end because everytime we approach the subject he gets on the defensive and makes life hell for everyone else in the house. Any suggestions, tips etc would be really helpful and much appreciated.

teddybear1873
20-Sep-11, 13:17
My son has no motivation for work, college or uni and sits at home all day listening to music or doing Facebook. We have tried encouraging him to take his music further as he plays several instruments but he just seems so lazy, it is like he can't be bothered. We suggest jobs and there is always a reason why he won't apply. He tired college but it was too much like hard work. I am at my wits end because everytime we approach the subject he gets on the defensive and makes life hell for everyone else in the house. Any suggestions, tips etc would be really helpful and much appreciated.

Cut his air supply off.........That is the internet. He will more and probably go off the head but after 2 or so days he will relies that he needs his beloved internet back.

Kids nowadays feel as though everything is owed to them. I took my step-sons X-box as he was told time and time again to clean his room.

After 2 days he knew he wasn't going to get it back until his room was spotless.

Just be patient.

teddybear1873
20-Sep-11, 13:23
Also, if he's refusing to look for work, Don't give him money unless he pulls his finger out.

dragonfly
20-Sep-11, 13:24
its not an easy one Achingale but I'd try tough love.......if he's not willing to get off his behind and go and look for something to do in his life then I'd be telling him to find elsewhere to live and fend for himself - Ormile Lodge has reasonably priced rooms for youngsters who are old enough to leave home. If he knows that he's going to get free food and lodgings for life at home there's not much incentive to do anything except what he's doing. Parenting is not an easy job is it

davem
20-Sep-11, 13:55
Young people often have no ambition because they have no confidence, so if you don't try you can't fail. It makes no difference what you want your child to do, until they want to themselves nothing will happen. I assume that this situation has been going on for a while, threatening eviction or chopping off the internet would just make you the villain. You obviously think he has talent to take further, if it is music does he spend time playing with other people because that is how he'll progress there. Has he friends because you don't mention him being out at all? Sometimes wrapping yourself in music and the internet is just a way of blanking off from a world you find scary, he could just be depressed! Maybe just talking from the point of view that you are worried for his well being now and long term. It is about trying to find a spark of self belief to build on, teenage years are often a low point - schools sometimes seem talented at crushing hopes and dreams; its just about looking for a first step to feel better and maybe refind some confidence.

mi16
20-Sep-11, 14:10
Dependant on his age, punt him out
That will be shock enough to raise his game

pat
20-Sep-11, 14:23
Advise if situation does not change extremely soon - YOU are on strike, no food, no clean clothes, no internet, no telephone calls, no money to finance anything, etc - he has to provide for himself and if he does not sort himself out, become a participant in family life and is seriously trying to find employment, he will be asked to find alternative living accommodation.
Ensure you set a time limit for these changes - a week, 10 days, 2 weeks and stick to it, you will be the bad one but will realise before long how much you have done for him and appreciate the kick into reality he has been given.
We would all love to have a life where we are waited on hand and foot - tell him it is his turn to run around after YOU and to pay all the bills!

Corrie 3
20-Sep-11, 14:47
I agree with Pat...One of the problems with this attitude of Teens is that they will more than likely get a girl pregnant and then expect to be given a council house, bang out a few more kids and then expect the taxpayer to provide for them for the rest of their lives.
Be firm on him now before it's too late!!

C3............:eek::roll:

b3n
20-Sep-11, 15:00
He sounds just like my teenager! Just be patient and love him, he'll figure it out for himself soon.
We all want the best for out teens and nagging at them just makes it worse, try being his friend and he might talk to you more about things he's wanting to do for work. All the best achingale its no easy job!!

weezer 316
20-Sep-11, 15:07
Mixture of tough love and encouragement. I look after my younger brother who just turned 16 a few days ago. He just started college, and he did hat witout any prompting really, but I make sure I encourage him when hes down, and when hes being lazy I hammer him.

I have had him in the routine for years that he empties and stacks the dishwasher, cleans the cats box, and takes the bins out and back when needed for his sky in his room, which is £10 a month. it hard going sometimes, and I need to hammer him sometimes to gt it done, but it seems to have paid off (although we will see once the real work starts).

So in short, give nothing for nothing, encourage when donw and kick up the a*** when they are beign lazy!

dragonfly
20-Sep-11, 15:27
weezer, you have done yourself proud with R, he's a credit to you. To think you were barely out of your own childhood when you took on the responsibility of looking after him, you did a good job......but don't think hammering is allowed in today's politically correct world!

but yes achingal needs both tough love and encouragement of her/his son

teddybear1873
20-Sep-11, 18:42
I can't get my head round with teenagers these days. Some people blame them, some blame the parents which is another topic that should be addressed at another time.

A lot of them will do absolutely diddly and stick by their guns and think everything should be given to them.

I had to get a job by the age of 12 as my mam told me she will give me the basic necessities and that is it. If I wanted luxury's in life, I had to get off me ar$e to earn it. On top of that, I still had stuff to do round the house.

All they do is moan, "well back in your day it was easier to get a job" Bull crap, get off your backside and rap on peoples doors and ask them if they need work done eg - clean the garage or windows, cut the grass, get some messages etc etc.

They get stuck in their own little world in their bedroom, playing the xbox, on their laptop, texting 200 messages per day, watching sky tv on their HD telly...

I'm not saying this is every teenager, but I bet it's a damn good few.

weezer 316
20-Sep-11, 20:07
weezer, you have done yourself proud with R, he's a credit to you. To think you were barely out of your own childhood when you took on the responsibility of looking after him, you did a good job......but don't think hammering is allowed in today's politically correct world!

but yes achingal needs both tough love and encouragement of her/his son

Cheers lol! Not a lcue who you are but cheers anyway!

Kids need it. I had all growing up, i swear its gave me my work ethic. fomr a young age my litle brother has had to "work" if thats thw word for hsi sky in his room. Now he realises you get nothign for nothing.

I reckon the cutting internet off will do the trick. My router was broke a few months ago for a day until i got a replecement and I swear you would think he was being totured!

oldmarine
21-Sep-11, 02:21
its not an easy one Achingale but I'd try tough love.......if he's not willing to get off his behind and go and look for something to do in his life then I'd be telling him to find elsewhere to live and fend for himself - Ormile Lodge has reasonably priced rooms for youngsters who are old enough to leave home. If he knows that he's going to get free food and lodgings for life at home there's not much incentive to do anything except what he's doing. Parenting is not an easy job is it

I concur with dragonfly's comments. Years ago I had problems with my only son. He tried the U.S. Army but complained about his feet and received a discharge. I would not let him lay around the house and do nothing so he joined the U.S. Air Force. I don't know what happened but he was home again. I discovered he had taken money from his younger sisters' banks. I told him that was not tolerated and I put him out of the house. He wound up at my mother's house and she took him in. He caused her problems and she called me. I had a serious talk with him and told him that he needed to get his act together and be on his own. He joined a traveling circus and traveled with them for a couple years. He finally left the circus and settled in Long Beach, California where he got a position with the Press-Telegram newspaper in their advertising department. He completed several successful years there. He even paid back the money he took from his sister's bank with interest when she was attending college. He had slipped a large money certificate into one of her text books where she found it. That act impressed all of us. I have to post an addition to this message: my son was killed by a hit & run driver while on his way to work. I had a good feeling knowing he had succeeded. I support the "tough love" principal.

Aaldtimer
21-Sep-11, 03:08
Aye, get tough, or you may have to resort to the tactics that these folks did!... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14995588 :eek:

achingale
21-Sep-11, 11:24
Aye, get tough, or you may have to resort to the tactics that these folks did!... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14995588 :eek:

Mmmm, worth a try if things get any worse!! Thanks everyone for your input here. I have only been a parent a short time (nearly 19 years!) and I am still learning it seems. Wish someone would give us an instruction manuel when they are born. I am going to try a mixture of measure you have all suggested, and I am pleased to know I am not alone in this situation.

teddybear1873
21-Sep-11, 16:02
Mmmm, worth a try if things get any worse!! Thanks everyone for your input here. I have only been a parent a short time (nearly 19 years!) and I am still learning it seems. Wish someone would give us an instruction manuel when they are born. I am going to try a mixture of measure you have all suggested, and I am pleased to know I am not alone in this situation.

You have to be cruel to be kind achingale. Whatever you do and decide, stick by your guns and don't budge. Kids seem to think that parents can't hold it out and will back down.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

davem
21-Sep-11, 16:38
By imposing ultimatums or setting deadlines you are looking to get your offspring to do what you want, unless they want to change themselves they won't. The way you already treat your children arrives because of your values and beliefs, that is how you are consistent and set rules, rather than coming down like a ton of bricks because other people think it is the right thing you have got to go with your instincts so you can stick to your choice of action. I still think you need to share your concerns with your son so that he at least recognises the situation as a problem. It is obviously an irritation that may drive you to distraction if it gets worse, so better to deal with it now while its easier to take a step back, put the ball in his court. A comfortable home life for everyone is really important,....... what can HE do to take steps in the right direction, so he is happier as well as the people he shares a house with.

squidge
21-Sep-11, 16:38
Try to talk to him first. Ask what he is thinking or worrying about, REALLY listen to what he says and reassure him that you love him. Warn him that things cant carry on as they are and ask him how he thinks you can help him. If he throws a strop or makes you miserable be patient but tell him he HAS to talk about it and that he has two days to decide to discuss things properly or you will have to take steps to make life more difficult for him. Dont get into a slanging match or lose your temper, if he is really struggling then you will just make things worse. If he doesnt agree to discuss the way forward then implement the things that have already been mentioned, no internet, no going out, remove all his electrical items from his room, confiscate phone ipod etc, ground him so he cant go out, inused to put all my teenage son's shoes in the car so he couldnt defy me when i was at work and sneak out. Absolutely no NO NO money to be given to him. Grit your teeth and dig in cos it will be hard hard work but you should get a result. Be comforted though, if your lad is usually nice natured and has not always been like that then something is bothering him and you will get to the bottom of it.

teddybear1873
21-Sep-11, 16:52
Agree with all that squidge said. Obviously every kid is different but the some I know tend to tell their parents last or not tell them at all. They blast everything on facebook or some other social networking site what problems they have. It can be like a merry go round on there at times. One kid telling one problem, then another kid doing the same. Maybe it's me, but teenagers keep things far more close to their chest than I did when I was a teenager. If I felt something was wrong or had a problem, I went to either my old siblings or my parents.

I honestly believe that teenagers have no social values left in this day and age. They can express their feelings on a pc or by text, but when it comes face to face they can't.

onecalledk
21-Sep-11, 19:21
I honestly believe that teenagers have no social values left in this day and age. They can express their feelings on a pc or by text, but when it comes face to face they can't.

Its staggering to read some of the comments on this thread, when did teenagers become enemy no1??? have we not all gone through the teenage years? every generation is different. I quoted the above for the last sentence - if teenagers cannot express their feelings face to face then that is down to how they were brought up and if the comments on this page are anything to go by no much wonder they wont talk!!!

Perhaps putting yourself in the shoes of the teenager in question may help the situation, we all assume that we know what another person is thinking or feeling dont we? but we dont bother to ask sometimes. Perhaps he is feeling terrible, perhaps he is depressed, we could all sit here for days going round in circles pretending we know how he feels but has anyone actually asked HIM?

Not all teenagers are the enemy, just like not all OAPS are senile and all the other rubbish that society wants to label people with. The children of today are the society of tomorrow, if as many people are horrified by that as they are in these posts then the only people that can change that is us..... responsbility for the children of today rests with the parents of those children and those parents were the children of the previous generation and so it goes.

It seems too simple doesnt it for older generations to simply state that the younger generation are out of control, well it was your children who created them. It may be sobering to remember that the teenage suicide rate is highest in the 17 - 22yr age gap or thereabouts. So perhaps we could all just step back from demonising the generation that we have created and look to how we help them move forward with their lives as the adults they will mature into ........

K

squidge
21-Sep-11, 20:01
Expectations are so high. Their own I mean. When my eldest lad was 17/18 we had an awful time with him. He had done 2 college courses and nothing had come from them jobs wise. He was sullen uncommunicative and just awful rude and unpleasant. He would sleep til late, do nothing, refused to go to the jobcentre, refuse to help around the house and was just horrible. It culminated in a big row one night when he stormed out the house. I was desperate to go after him but my husband said not to. I disagreed until my husband told me that my son had gone out without shoes on lol and would soon be back. Right enough he was. We finally persuaded him to talk and out it all came. He felt he had ruined his life, had nothing, would never get a job, was rubbish and had no car, money, clothes or hope of anything. Hubby and i were able to reassure him that things would get better and that it was a bit early to think he had ruined his entire life. Sure enough within a few weeks he had a job and now he is a time served welder fabricator earning plenty and in his own flat with his girlfriend and baby. They measure themselves against their peers using the materialistic society we have become as their yardstick. When they come up short against what they see as 'success' it can make it difficult for them to see a way through. They can feel written off by society as wasters, hoodies, useless
lazy lumps and without the experience to know that things WILL get better they soon believe thats the truth and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

We sometimes think its easy being a teenager, all the stuff, money, opportunity they have that they should be grateful and sort themselves out. Its not as easy as all that though, sometime teenagers get lost in it all and we should support and encourage, aye and discipline and punish when appropriate. They do however always need patience and love.

starfish
21-Sep-11, 20:07
my freind has a son like this so she took his dirty washing out of the bin and his clean washing that she had done and throw it in his bedroom and stopped cooking for him . as in his word why should i work said mum the son soon come around when he had no clean clothes and a hungry belly asked for help to find a job he still looking but that a start

ESR
21-Sep-11, 23:31
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Blame-My-Brain-Nicola-Morgan/dp/1406311162 I would recommend reading this book Blame My Brain by Nicola Morgan. This easy to read book provides a valuable insight to the development of the teenage brain.

teddybear1873
22-Sep-11, 19:41
Its staggering to read some of the comments on this thread, when did teenagers become enemy no1??? have we not all gone through the teenage years? every generation is different. I quoted the above for the last sentence - if teenagers cannot express their feelings face to face then that is down to how they were brought up and if the comments on this page are anything to go by no much wonder they wont talk!!!

Perhaps putting yourself in the shoes of the teenager in question may help the situation, we all assume that we know what another person is thinking or feeling dont we? but we dont bother to ask sometimes. Perhaps he is feeling terrible, perhaps he is depressed, we could all sit here for days going round in circles pretending we know how he feels but has anyone actually asked HIM?

Not all teenagers are the enemy, just like not all OAPS are senile and all the other rubbish that society wants to label people with. The children of today are the society of tomorrow, if as many people are horrified by that as they are in these posts then the only people that can change that is us..... responsbility for the children of today rests with the parents of those children and those parents were the children of the previous generation and so it goes.

It seems too simple doesnt it for older generations to simply state that the younger generation are out of control, well it was your children who created them. It may be sobering to remember that the teenage suicide rate is highest in the 17 - 22yr age gap or thereabouts. So perhaps we could all just step back from demonising the generation that we have created and look to how we help them move forward with their lives as the adults they will mature into ........

K

Oi oi, calm down. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I didn't say teenagers are enemy number 1. For some reason you have gone on a rampage quoting things that I didn't say. Your going on about teenage suicide rate is highest 17-22. Well thats maybe so.

I have a step daughter who moaned and groaned she was depressed, she had it in her head that she was bipolar. Well guess what, she now relies that it's part of growing up in this day and age where everything is at the disposable for teenagers.She hardly uses the pc anymore cause all she See's on teenage websites is depressing, drink, pregnancy, drugs, loneliness, etc etc. It's a little wonder they get sucked in with all that crap.

You can blame parents whatever you like, but I think parents have a far tougher job than they did 20-30 years ago.

I got a wallop across my erse many a time. Did i turn out a saint, no I didn't. But I will tell you now,I gave my parents 100% respect and my elders. I never ever once told my mother or father to f off. Wonder how many teenagers tell their parents to f off. A damn good amount I bet.

I could go on and on.

Kells
22-Sep-11, 19:55
Oi oi, calm down. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I didn't say teenagers are enemy number 1. For some reason you have gone on a rampage quoting things that I didn't say. Your going on about teenage suicide rate is highest 17-22. Well thats maybe so.

I have a step daughter who moaned and groaned she was depressed, she had it in her head that she was bipolar. Well guess what, she now relies that it's part of growing up in this day and age where everything is at the disposable for teenagers.She hardly uses the pc anymore cause all she See's on teenage websites is depressing, drink, pregnancy, drugs, loneliness, etc etc. It's a little wonder they get sucked in with all that crap.

You can blame parents whatever you like, but I think parents have a far tougher job than they did 20-30 years ago.

I got a wallop across my erse many a time. Did i turn out a saint, no I didn't. But I will tell you now,I gave my parents 100% respect and my elders. I never ever once told my mother or father to f off. Wonder how many teenagers tell their parents to f off. A damn good amount I bet.

I could go on and on.

I had three teenagers over 30 years ago and found it tough going. Today with three teenage grandchildren I see my children getting much the same grieve as they gave me, yet my grand kids are great with me and I see nothing wrong with them. The teenage years are tough on both the teenagers and the parents but what is put in to the children when they are younger comes through in the end.

oldmarine
22-Sep-11, 21:50
There are various comments on here with individual experiences. Each child is different. You have to get personally envolved with your child and come to understand what is troubling them and make a decision on how to reach them. Two of my four children had serious problems. I explained about my oldest (a son) in a previous entry. My oldest daughter likewise had problems. Most of her problems occurred after she lost her mother to ovarian cancer. I married her (and my son's) elementary school teacher. My second wife was able to reach out and touch her. This helped immensely. My second wife and I had better fortune with our two, but it took a lot of patience and love to reach them. They probably learned from what happened to the older two children and that was a large helper. I now get to watch my grandchildren & greatgrandchildren. So far, I see positive results. That makes me happy.

Koi
23-Sep-11, 21:57
My brother who is 16 has been a handful this last year. He has always been in the wrong crowd at school and has got himself into trouble by doing what his mates were doing. He came to me one night and opened up. This was after my mum tried and failed several times. He told me how he was feeling and was very honest about everything. I told mum the important bits that i was quite worried about. I urged my brother to go and see his gp and he did. He was put on anti-depressiants and has done ok on them expect they have made him lose his appetitie and he barely eats. He's a skinny lanky thing and needs some meat on his bones. He's trying very hard to eat more and is looking a bit more healthy for it. He's just started his college course and is finding it tough. We've all urged him to stick at it and he will get used to the amount of people around him as its a part of life. Part of the problem is his self confidence is low at the moment.
Tough love helps for negative behaviour but to really get to the crunks of the problem you need to have patience and they will come to you and open up. My brother can not speak to my mum but he does speak to me. I do not tell mum everything only when something is very important and even then its very vaque. Once he opens up to me he will generally speak to mum in time. My mum is too close to the situation at times and can not see things as they are. I've always been good at seeing things in people that other people miss and this has really helped my brother.

orkneycadian
23-Sep-11, 23:14
Any suggestions

Kick him out.

Alas, this is what modern society breeds.