It's saturday and time for a laff!!!! The flying drunk

[_Ju_]

[lol] High-rise Bar
Ray walks into a bar. The bar is on the 12th floor of a skyscraper.
He takes a seat at the bar. He notices a guy drinking some cocktail on the next stool. Next thing Ray knows, the guy gets up, goes to the balcony and jumps off the 12th floor!

Ray looks at the bartender with shock and horror. The bartender ask's Ray just to ignore what just happened!

Five minutes later, the guy who jumped off, comes back and has another cocktail at the same stool. Again he jumps off the balcony and again Ray is bewildered.

The guy comes back again, still in one piece and takes a seat at his stool. By this time, Ray could not keep quite anymore. So, he asks the bartender to give him whatever the other guy was drinking. Ray puts down his cocktail in one go, goes to the balcony and jumps off the 12th floor.

The bartender turns to the guy who jumped off twice and says "You can be such a pain when you are drunk, do you know that Superman?"

[_Ju_]

Scared Straight
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

[_Ju_]

Zoo Keeper
This bloke starts working at a zoo and on his first day is given three tasks, the first of which is to clear out all the weeds from the exotic fish pool. So he starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish leaps out and bites him. The bloke isn't going to let some animal have a go at him so he beats the offending fish to death. Afterwards, he realises that his boss isn't going to be best pleased, so he tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. Eventually, he hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions, as lions will eat anything. So that's what he does. [ Of course, first he had to ask where the lions were...]
The bloke then moves on to his second job, which is to clean the monkey house. He gets stuck in, but suddenly a couple of chimps starts throwing feaces at him. Losing his temper, the bloke whacks both chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. The bloke is now terrified, but decides that he can't afford to lose his job, so he feeds the chimps to the lions, knowing, of course, that lions will eat anything.

The bloke then moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. He starts on this and obviously gets attacked by the bees. Infuriated, he pulps their hive. At this point the bloke isn't too worried because he now knows exactly what to do. So off he goes and feeds the dead bees to the lions.

Later on that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. This lion wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?" The other lion replies, "Absolutely brilliant. Today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[Alice in Blunderland]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.:eek: :eek:

[Dreadnought]

It's Saturday night and time to get home without falling over (http://www.wagenschenke.ch/site/homerun.htm)... play Home Run.

[_Ju_]

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband. "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."