View Full Version : Teenage sons and Housekeeping
linnie612
26-May-11, 23:38
How does one get housekeeping money from a (nearly not anymore) teenager without losing one's:
a) sanity
b) dignity
c) temper
d) all of the above
You cant...
But if you lay down the rules as they have to pay xx amount or else they dont get their washing done or meals etc it might be easier..
But only if you stick to your guns and dont do the work unless you get the payment!
Try and get your payday the same as their paydays too...
If you have tried reason and compromise then you can always take them to view a couple of grotty bedsits and have them work out how much it would cost them.
You can also move their bedroom into the garage, cut off the phone and Internet, can't afford it if they aren't paying their way, cancel any car insurance you have for them or anything you pay for them at all. You can stop buying stuff they like to eat, stuff for their pieces because you can't afford it. You can cry lol.
You refuse to give them lifts anywhere if they don't drive and you refuse to cook clean or do their washing or anything else that you do for them. You also
embarrass them at every available opportunity in front of friends.... 'how much keep do you give YOUR mum' and aunties, uncles, friends of yours 'he is refusing
to pay keep what do you think of that'.
Make sure all the hot water is gone when they have a bath, lock them out, cancel your sky subscription, take an ad out in the groat, hide their shoes, .... The list is endless. Basically deprive them of the things they take for granted. Hope you sort it out.
linnie612
27-May-11, 00:18
If you have tried reason and compromise then you can always take them to view a couple of grotty bedsits and have them work out how much it would cost them.
You can also move their bedroom into the garage, cut off the phone and Internet, can't afford it if they aren't paying their way, cancel any car insurance you have for them or anything you pay for them at all. You can stop buying stuff they like to eat, stuff for their pieces because you can't afford it. You can cry lol.
You refuse to give them lifts anywhere if they don't drive and you refuse to cook clean or do their washing or anything else that you do for them. You also
embarrass them at every available opportunity in front of friends.... 'how much keep do you give YOUR mum' and aunties, uncles, friends of yours 'he is refusing
to pay keep what do you think of that'.
Make sure all the hot water is gone when they have a bath, lock them out, cancel your sky subscription, take an ad out in the groat, hide their shoes, .... The list is endless. Basically deprive them of the things they take for granted. Hope you sort it out.
Thankyou, both. Have tried some, but not all, of these suggestions already. Nice to know it's not just me!
linnie612
27-May-11, 00:22
You cant...
But if you lay down the rules as they have to pay xx amount or else they dont get their washing done or meals etc it might be easier..
But only if you stick to your guns and dont do the work unless you get the payment!
Try and get your payday the same as their paydays too...
Thankyou, both. Have tried some, but not all, of these suggestions already. Nice to know it's not just me!
When I got my first pay packet back in 19**, my Mum took it from me to see how much I'd earned. She then took from it what she considered a fair contribution to the housekeeping. That increased any time I got a pay rise. Helped me to manage my finances once I'd flown the nest. I did the same for my 3 kids. Worked fine for the girls, buy 'the boy' still can't live within his means, despite being married with 2 kids of his own!
Mum-in-Law asked hubby for a nominal amount each month, which she put away, and when he went to buy his first car, she gave it almost paid for it.
Bobinovich
27-May-11, 09:34
I was the same - a third went to the house, a third was saved leaving me a third to spend. Unfortunately as a typical teenager the saving portion lasted all of 5 minutes, but the third to the house remained in force until I left and got my own place.
When my son first started work he was more than happy to give me some housekeeping , we set a figure and if he did overtime (alot of it) he paid a bit extra, this was fine to start with and then he thought hang on it doesnt cost that much to live! lol. So I clearly told him at the time pay up or get out and even found him a b& B. when he saw the price he decided to stay at home and there was never a problem after that, I was lucky I guess. Later on when my son left home and got his own home he said he realised actually what good it did him and how it prepared him but it was still a shock when all the bills came!
So I would suggest if dont pay, pack them a bag phone a B&B write the details and address down and give both the bag and the details to you son as he walks through the door then instantly turn him around and shove him out the door with a come back when you have changed your mind! He will soon be back!
do not do anything for him and let him but his own food he will soon realise where he is better off
Both my eldest boys started work at the same time but one was earning much more than the other. I worked out their keep on a percentage basis of their gross annual wage and divided it up over 52 weeks. That meant that even though one paid more they each paid the same percentage. If they did overtime or got a bonus it was theirs to keep, I never asked for any more. The only snag we had was when one of the boys got three weeks wages at Christmas and never thought he had to pay three weeks keep lol. What a row that caused!!!!
The 'negotiating' I had to do was always about them not doing their chores lol.
lindsaymcc
27-May-11, 13:15
Im a way off this yet with my eldest only being 7yrs old, but I never remember any fights or arguments between either me and my parents or my brother and my parents over housekeeping.
I started work at 16, bringing home about £400 a month, and £80 of that went to my mum. By the time I was bringing home £1000 a month, I was paying £150 a month to stay at home.
Its still pittance compared to running your own home as I found out at 18, and then after 9 months moved home again!
I had to pay a third of my take home pay.
While I stayed at home.
And we all had chores to do as well...learned to cook, how the washing machine worked, ironing, cleaning the bathroom etc..
All to earn our keep...
The only time I was let off paying was for my last paypacket in the job I had that paid weekly when I moved to a job that paid monthly (at the end of the first month)
It set us up well for living in our own houses...though there were a few times there was too much month left at the end of the paypacket...£20 for 2 weeks food and electricity (the electric meter took about £8 a week)
I'd just like to make the point that if someone is paying their parents then they are essentially renting and so shouldn't be held responsible for anything via emotional blackmail etc.
My first wage was £3 and 3 shillings .....£3/3/0d.................. My Mother took £2/3/0d from my pay packet and left me with a £1 to last me all week!!
C3......:(:roll:
I'd just like to make the point that if someone is paying their parents then they are essentially renting and so shouldn't be held responsible for anything via emotional blackmail etc.
So what's your advice?
I'd just like to make the point that if someone is paying their parents then they are essentially renting and so shouldn't be held responsible for anything via emotional blackmail etc.
I remember when this point was made to me by my daughters, I pointed out that what they were giving was a small payment towards their keep and that they could not afford to pay me for the work and care provided. I laughed when I heard my daughter tell her teenager the same thing a few weeks ago.......... teenagers need to be held responsible for everything and as parents we do need to do what it takes to get the message across. the good thing is that teenagers grow up eventually.:roll:
achingale
27-May-11, 15:26
Striking is definitely the answer. No washing, no cooking, no cleaning, no ironing, no lifts, not Internet, no phone calls unless payment up front and so on, and he will soon discover home is well worth it! Good luck and I hope you get it all sorted out. My son never batted an eyelid when he handed over housekeeping and I am so proud of him for that.
The Music Monster
27-May-11, 15:50
I have never paid rent to my parents - and I still live with them!!! What I do instead is help out with the housework and fund things from time to time. This works well on a level of appreciation from both parties concerned. And I have lived on my own and was not any the worse "moneywise" for never having paid my parents rent.
Also, don't forget that if you charge rent/housekeeping, that has to be declared to the Inland Revenue... For the most part I think it is not worth it. You may even find that your son is more willing to help (either with housework or financially) if you don't set a strict amount.
I remember when this point was made to me by my daughters, I pointed out that what they were giving was a small payment towards their keep and that they could not afford to pay me for the work and care provided. I laughed when I heard my daughter tell her teenager the same thing a few weeks ago.......... teenagers need to be held responsible for everything and as parents we do need to do what it takes to get the message across. the good thing is that teenagers grow up eventually.:roll:
My point is that you were hardly going to rent the room out commercially if she didn't pay (or perhaps you were). It's a very crass thing to do, it will foster resentment regardless of what people say. Parents need to be responsible also and avoid acting like tinpot dictators.
EDIT: Even if it's an informal thing, there are legal obligations also, more than just declaring income. If you try the passive-aggressive approach it can escalate also.
You are allowed to make an income up to a certain amount from your home before you have to declare the earnings.
I cant remember how much but it was about £50 a week...
Once kids have jobs things like child benefit stops and they are classed as an adult in the household and you may have to pay more council tax etc...so its not unreasonable to expect some money from them.
Sit them down and go through the bills with them showing what they cost to keep.
It teaches responsibility and if they dont like the house rules..well they can always move out...soon be back or will get an awful shock when the first lot of bills comes in.
It generally gets spent on the child or saved up for them for something big....house deposit, car, furniture etc.
My point is that you were hardly going to rent the room out commercially if she didn't pay (or perhaps you were). It's a very crass thing to do, it will foster resentment regardless of what people say. Parents need to be responsible also and avoid acting like tinpot dictators.
EDIT: Even if it's an informal thing, there are legal obligations also, more than just declaring income. If you try the passive-aggressive approach it can escalate also.
There is nothing crass about parents being responsible and making sure that their children grow up aware that they should pay their way in life. I am sure that the parents posting about ensuring that teenagers contribute to the home are not so much concerned about the money as the attitude it shows. The word is contributing not the parents making money from their poor downtrodden teenager and not about the parents being dictators or legal landlords.
I have never paid rent to my parents - and I still live with them!!! What I do instead is help out with the housework and fund things from time to time. This works well on a level of appreciation from both parties concerned. And I have lived on my own and was not any the worse "moneywise" for never having paid my parents rent.
Also, don't forget that if you charge rent/housekeeping, that has to be declared to the Inland Revenue... For the most part I think it is not worth it. You may even find that your son is more willing to help (either with housework or financially) if you don't set a strict amount.
no wonder you are still living at home what a wonderful life and what about declaring rent or board to mr vat man what bullocks how about the cost of your food electric heating that you use you get off scot free wake up and smell the coffee
starflower
27-May-11, 23:37
I have to say when I was growing up and living at home studying and working part-time I paid dig money every week it wasnt much i had to pay but it was enough for me to learn how to budget when I left home, it was a valuable lesson and one I hope to pass onto my own children so I know they can stand on their own two feet without having to expect other people to bale them out, or expect something for nothing. As parents we should be teaching our children many valuable lessons in life to allow them to stand on their own feet and be responsible adults when they are older. :)
oldmarine
28-May-11, 01:11
Most teenagers are most difficult to train. It was easier with my 3 daughters than it was with my son. Good luck to you as you try. They do have to learn discipline.
secrets in symmetry
28-May-11, 12:26
And I have lived on my own and was not any the worse "moneywise" for never having paid my parents rent.Likewise.
I hadn't realised that you can't cope with living on your own if you haven't paid rent to your parents! :lol:
You are allowed to make an income up to a certain amount from your home before you have to declare the earnings.
It was £4300 per year but has recently been raised. Basically works out about £350pcm.
It's not about being unable to cope if you don't pay keep but as I see it it's about taking responsibility as you grow older. It's an early step on the road to independence and it's about taking an adult responsibility and not taking people for granted.
As adults they should contribute to the place they live, indeed my lads were PROUD to do that. It's a small thing but it's a signal that they are not taking you for granted and are prepared to take an adult responsibility on.
secrets in symmetry
28-May-11, 14:53
Of course it's not being about being unable to cope. There's no big deal about leaving home, looking after yourself, and managing your own money. Indeed, it's even easier if you've saved a bit before you do it.
Most parents actually save some if not all the "housekeeping" money to give the child some help when they get their own place....
The child doesnt know it at the time.
I think it all depends on how you bring your kids up and of course also on their character. Our daughter will offer to pay for things out of her pocket money (she isn't old enough for a job just yet), whilst our son won't. He keeps every penny to himself.
Being a foster parent we see various different kids with different attitudes but I always make clear to them that most of MY money goes towards bills, some months ALL of it, whilst ALL of their money is for themselves until they are 18 or earn a wage, at which point they are just as much plagued with bills as me. The minimum is 15 quid a week for food if they are on benefits and a fiver for utilities.
Last boy complained that that was far too much out of his 50 pounds a week jobseekers allowance. Next time I was away for 3 days I asked him to look after the dogs and gave him 10 pounds to feed himself. Made sure the fridge was bare. He didn't even manage to feed himself for 3 days with the tenner and changed his mind about 15 pounds being too much for the week.
I had to pay 75% of my wages to my parents but that included paying off a loan for my motorbike they took out for me. The rest paid for petrol, insurance etc. and the odd night out.
Generally I think that kids these days need to understand that parents don't go out spending hundreds on fun things, new clothes, hobbies, junk food etc, but that bills are paid first. And sometimes there is hardly anything left. It's called responsibility and if your teenagers refuse to take it they need to learn the hard way.
I ditto what has been said before, take away all his home comforts and tell him that part of growing up means taking financial responsibility for your family AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. You didn't bring him up to be selfish, so now he needs to act like he is part of the family and help a little with the bills. It may mean that you can afford the meal out once a month or his little sister can have that dress she has been asking for for weeks. So ? You cut back for 18 years to give HIM whatever he needs, time to start appreciating and give a little back.
But you might have to force him or risk throwing him out and him taking a few weeks, months or even years before he turns round and says thank you.
Parenthood is one of the toughest jobs out there ;-)
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. As long as you explain why you are doing things there is nothing wrong with it. Just one little word of advice: persistance. It will pay back :-)
My middle older boy has been out of work since Xmas until the middle of April. Prior to that he always paid his keep no problem so whilst he was out of work I didn't take anything out of his benefit. The Bruce and I helped him with bits and pieces, such as bus fares and the like. If he asked we lent him a tenner here and there and when he got his first part wage packet we didn't take anything off him then. He has just been paid his first full months wages and we are back to full keep. It's about looking out for each other, helping each other out and not taking each other for granted all the time.
squidge, well said... I was referring to a boy who refused to get a job, his job seekers was "free" money to him as he never even applied for a job. I actually shopped him to the job center after a year and they banned him for 6 months... he is nearly 20 now and doesn't earn a penny. Living at a friends who's mum feels sorry for him and feeds him. I paid his mobile phone contract out of the savings I put away for him until last months. Now I have to think if I should pay it out of my own money or let him get into debt.
Even when he was getting jobseekers and wasn't paying keep money he would never pay anything for me, like a pint when I took him to the pub. I was always paying and he was always complaining he had no money... and still is.
The Music Monster
29-May-11, 00:02
no wonder you are still living at home what a wonderful life and what about declaring rent or board to mr vat man what bullocks how about the cost of your food electric heating that you use you get off scot free wake up and smell the coffee
I will endeavour to answer your points :D...
I do, indeed, know what a wonderful life I have. I also accept that there are very few people who have the same, somewhat antiquated views, as my family have about family. This is mainly: What does money matter when we have each other(?) We are a, sometimes overly, loyal and comradely tight-knit group.
I have a friend who was in the rather uncomfortable position of paying keep to his parents only to discover that he could rent a house of his own - bills included - for less money. What discipline did he learn? To get out of what had been the family home for 16 years and live by himself. What chased him out? The obsession with his money his own parents had. Sure, he knew how to pay the bills but it was incredibly detrimental to the family network. Before anyone goes off on a rant about this - I know that this is a minority case, but it is a case all the same. I also know that my family is in the minority in not expecting money from working children.
In terms of the tax man, who I guess "Mr VAT" refers to, this is a double edged sword. You should declare all income, and let the Inland Revenue tell you whether or not you should be taxed on it. Being self-employed everything - EVERYTHING - is catalogued very neatly in my little ledger. I don't consider myself to "get off" anything. I do not claim any food or heating allowance on my tax form, since the room I work from is primarily a Living Room - and even that, I confirmed with the council!
As for the waking up and smelling the coffee, first off: no thanks, I think coffee smell disgusting :p, and secondly: like I said before, I know how wonderfully lucky I am, I just wish other people could see it that way!
Sorry if I didn't cover exactly what you meant, a little bit of punctuation goes a long way!
linnie612
29-May-11, 00:37
.......................
Money does not matter, respect, responibility and looking after each other does. Contributing keep to a household should be INCLUSIVE not about driving children out. I know there are families who use all sorts of behaviour to drive out teenagers much of it worse than charging keep.
It's also about setting the sort of rules you need to live by. Things like letting me know when you aren't home for dinner, not leaving your dirty socks down the side of the couch, telling your mum you won't be home at all tonight so she doesn't wake up find you missing and think you are dead in a ditch. All the rules you agree to in order to live together in a harmonious home. For my family and the way I have been a parent paying keep is part of those rules and structures. Whatever you do should be done with love and fairnessand you won't go far wrong.
linnie612
29-May-11, 01:12
I will endeavour to answer your points :D...
I do, indeed, know what a wonderful life I have. I also accept that there are very few people who have the same, somewhat antiquated views, as my family have about family. This is mainly: What does money matter when we have each other(?) We are a, sometimes overly, loyal and comradely tight-knit group.
I have a friend who was in the rather uncomfortable position of paying keep to his parents only to discover that he could rent a house of his own - bills included - for less money. What discipline did he learn? To get out of what had been the family home for 16 years and live by himself. What chased him out? The obsession with his money his own parents had. Sure, he knew how to pay the bills but it was incredibly detrimental to the family network. Before anyone goes off on a rant about this - I know that this is a minority case, but it is a case all the same. I also know that my family is in the minority in not expecting money from working children.
In terms of the tax man, who I guess "Mr VAT" refers to, this is a double edged sword. You should declare all income, and let the Inland Revenue tell you whether or not you should be taxed on it. Being self-employed everything - EVERYTHING - is catalogued very neatly in my little ledger. I don't consider myself to "get off" anything. I do not claim any food or heating allowance on my tax form, since the room I work from is primarily a Living Room - and even that, I confirmed with the council!
As for the waking up and smelling the coffee, first off: no thanks, I think coffee smell disgusting :p, and secondly: like I said before, I know how wonderfully lucky I am, I just wish other people could see it that way!
Sorry if I didn't cover exactly what you meant, a little bit of punctuation goes a long way!
I can't comment on your circumstances as I know nothing of them - but I do wonder how old you are. You may say this is nothing to do with the thread and you may well be right...
The Music Monster
29-May-11, 08:37
I can't comment on your circumstances as I know nothing of them - but I do wonder how old you are. You may say this is nothing to do with the thread and you may well be right...
That's fine - as the thread opener if you say it's relevant, then I guess it's relevant :)! I'm 25 - it isn't a secret, it says it on my forum profile. I'll be 26 in just over a month -3rd July - don't forget the card :Razz!!
Since leaving school at 18 I've been:
a student for 3 years
unemployed for a year (on the dole)
a paid trainee teacher for a year
volunteer teacher for half a year - gaining unpaid experience
paid teacher for half a year
unemployed for half a year (not on the dole)
finally, a private teacher for a year and a half (since Jan 2010)
Never paid rent/housekeeping once, but that is not to say that I have never helped out with the housework (usually heavy work - singers have good upper body strength) or paid for things for the family (eg replacing worn out appliances like ovens, even the occasional holiday).
So those are my circumstances. Feel free to comment on them on the mutual understanding that each of us will has the right to believe we are right ;).
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