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Lolabelle
14-Sep-06, 05:45
Have you ever wondered what it means to be Australian?
I have changed the words in red from a possible swear word so I don’t get in trouble from the mods. I must make the comment, that it does lose a bit with the changes, as the previously used words are part of the Aussie language. But I am sure you get the drift.
Thought some might find this amusing, as I did.

Subject: Basic Guide to Aussie Life

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by
a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of
tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by
placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this
out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs
from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a
fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing
black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total mongrel". By
contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a mongrel".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the
1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".
Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to
himself, but to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not
worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the
one that has the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
family drinks too much.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then
spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have
catered for it).
20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take
everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to
the car, you're not trying.
22. You are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your
front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on thefence is
acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local
mayor.
24. On picnics, the Esky - no matter how large - is always too small,
creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved
by leaving the salad at home.
25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's
pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach
umbrella in high winds.
28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction,
most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact
that the call is "being made on my mobile".
29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises
that the Aerogard is a blinking sight worse than the flies.
30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER
says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

Elenna
14-Sep-06, 09:42
That gave me a really good chuckle this morning Lolabelle. Thanks! I shall save these priceless words of wisdom and guidance, so to be able to refer back to them when Saltire and I manage to visit your wonderful country some day! :D

darkie@dreamtilt.com.au
14-Sep-06, 09:50
Great story Lolabelle,and true now I know why it took you so long to paint the kitchen to many snags on the barbie,keep up the good work,hope it's not to cold down there http://forum.caithness.org/images/icons/icon6.gif

Lolabelle
14-Sep-06, 11:28
Great story Lolabelle,and true now I know why it took you so long to paint the kitchen to many snags on the barbie,keep up the good work,hope it's not to cold down there http://forum.caithness.org/images/icons/icon6.gif

Thanks, it's starting to warm up, days around the 24/25 mark.;)

pultneytooner
14-Sep-06, 13:18
This how to tell an Aussie, and how to prevent yourself from accidentally getting beaten to death.


Things dinkum (real) Aussies do and don't do:

Call everyone"mate". This is because we are lazy and can't be bothered remembering your name.

Quite OK to call a sheila (female) "mate ' as well. Warning: This is an all -purpose term,and someone may also call you "mate' just before he king hits you. If you hear it said with an exclamation point, or hint of menace, best to leave immediately.

All Aussies life heroes are athletes.

The most acceptable form of religious belief is some code of football.There are three. We don't count American Football, which is called "gridiron". This "pastime" (NOT "sport") is for nancies who wear armour, to avoid sudden death. It's Ok to like hockey, as there is usually a lot of blood and the odd fatal injury if you're lucky.

You should be able to swim be very fast and not be afraid of sharks or crocodiles.

Australians do not have close acquaintance with the vowel "a", preferring "i" instead. Hence: " Piydi Fridi". The name "Wayne" is pronounced "whine"

If you are a bloke (male) baby boomer, there is a good chance you will be called Bruce, Barry,Trevor or Kevin.---known as "Brucie, Kev, Trev and Bazza.-And indeed you will run into men of the cloth known as "Kev (or Trev) the Rev"

Aussie men love their barbeques, at which they wear funny aprons and burn everything on their fifteen burner, $5000 gas space-age wonder. When attending such functions,(unless you have to take a gift) to avoid social ostracism in the future you absolutely must: take a slab of beer (2 dozen bottles) and make sure you consume half a sheep.

If holding a function,such as a wedding, wake, 21st birthday,and providing the alcohol,you must have enough for every male to get drunk. The old rule of thumb was 1/2 gallon for every male. This has changed because a lot women women also now drink beer.(that just means maybe half a dozen fewer bottles of 7 up) Hard liquor: Southern Comfort, Bacardi AND dark rum, Ouzo, tequllia,and vodka should be about right.

You may get drunk and make a pass at your host's wife, she may be flattered But if you make a pass at 16 yr old Kylie, or Chantelle, her Uncle Bazza will flatten you. (he saw her first)

Under no circumstances mention that you actually finished high school. Unless you did a trade.

You may brag about your past (NEVER present) sporting prowess. Especially if you are over 25,which is when all Aussies cease any strenous activity not work related.

You will learn that a prawn is what the yanks call a "shrimp', and that there are three kinds of saltwater ones,and two freshwater,all of which you will consume in great quanities at every opportunity,with even greater quantities of beer. Although Oz has the best crayfish (lobster) in the world, you can't afford to buy it, as it is mainly exported.. This not something which is mentioned in polite company.


If you live in the 'burbs, by all means buy a large wheel drive. You might want to go to a National Park one day.Besides,they're very safe; if you hit another car, they might be killed , but you won't.

You don't REALLY have to like sport. (you just don't EVER admit it)

Oh yeah, Australians think 100 years is a long time. But,we think little of driving 500 miles (each way) for a weekend, or 2000 miles on a holiday, each way ( I've done both)

Australia actually has far fewer venomous animals than ,say equatorial Africa, and hardly any live in the suburbs, which is where 80% of us live.

I do hope these little bits will help you decide if you are thinking of migrating or just visting.

Oh,I almost forgot: Oz is a casual country.Australians are very laid back, very welcoming, hospitable, kind hearted,generous and accepting. (and if you live in US or UK, the exchange rate is in your favour):D

George Brims
14-Sep-06, 17:33
Heck no 'tooner - that last bit is out of date. The US dollar has practically evaporated relative to the Aussie one over the last few years. I know this all too well as I live in the US and have a kid in college in Sydney.

The rest of both lists is however absolutely spot on.

robynaus
15-Sep-06, 03:32
Australians never go swimming with the crocs unless you were Steve Irwin (RIP). We leave that for the tourist who do and get eaten, regularly!!
Otherwise spot on

It's 25 today the sun is shining and winter is over here in Adelaide but we have a drought and another el nino so it going to be a very poor year for the farmers. Heavier water restrictions about to kick in and in this dry country we have a "thing" about recycling water for anything but agricultural use. Water tasted ok in the UK when I was there and I beleive it's recycled there.

Never mind it's the best place in the world and I would not want to live anywhere else on a permanent basis. holidaying is fine
luv to all robyn