unicornleather
05-Feb-11, 09:43
I posted these a few years ago, there is an update and I have added them on hopefully it will give you a good laugh.
Oz http://s2.images.proboards.com/smiley.gif
Churches normally have a newsletter or bulletin which is distributed to the faithful to keep them up to date with the news of the parish. Sometimes, however, the original meanings of the announcements may be somewhat lost....
•Please remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
•This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
•The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
•If any of the congregation have children and don''t know it, there is a nursery downstairs.
•Everyone is welcome this Tuesday at 4 PM for an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
•At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
•This Friday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
•This week we invite any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
•The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
•This Monday we will be holding a ''Bean Supper'' in the church hall. Music will follow.
•This evening there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
•''Weight Watchers'' will meet at 7 PM in the church hall. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
•There will be a special collection today to pay for eight new choir robes. These are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
•Mrs Williams will be going in to hospital this week for testes.
•Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
•This week our Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
•Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
•The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
•Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
•Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
•The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
•Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
•The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
•During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
•Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
•Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
•Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
•The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
•Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
•Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
•The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
•The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
•Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
•The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.
•Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
•The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
•Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine: Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the Way from Africa."
•Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
•The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
•Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
•Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
•At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
•Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
•Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
•The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
•Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm. - prayer and medication to follow.
•The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
•A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
•In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better.
•A worm welcome to all who have come today.
•Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
•We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
•Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
•Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
•If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
•Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
•If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
•We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
•Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
•Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
•Thank you dead friends.
•Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
•Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
•Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
•Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord.
•I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.
•Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour
•Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows
•Child care provided with reservations.
•When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
•Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
•The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
•22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
•A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
•Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
•Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
•The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
•Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
•The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
•The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
•The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Oz http://s2.images.proboards.com/smiley.gif
Churches normally have a newsletter or bulletin which is distributed to the faithful to keep them up to date with the news of the parish. Sometimes, however, the original meanings of the announcements may be somewhat lost....
•Please remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
•This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
•The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
•If any of the congregation have children and don''t know it, there is a nursery downstairs.
•Everyone is welcome this Tuesday at 4 PM for an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
•At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
•This Friday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
•This week we invite any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
•The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
•This Monday we will be holding a ''Bean Supper'' in the church hall. Music will follow.
•This evening there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
•''Weight Watchers'' will meet at 7 PM in the church hall. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
•There will be a special collection today to pay for eight new choir robes. These are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
•Mrs Williams will be going in to hospital this week for testes.
•Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
•This week our Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
•Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
•The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
•Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
•Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
•The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
•Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
•The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
•During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
•Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
•Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
•Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
•The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
•Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
•Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
•The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
•The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
•Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
•The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.
•Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
•The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
•Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine: Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the Way from Africa."
•Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
•The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
•Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
•Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
•At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
•Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
•Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
•The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
•Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm. - prayer and medication to follow.
•The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
•A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
•In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better.
•A worm welcome to all who have come today.
•Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
•We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
•Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
•Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
•If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
•Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
•If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
•We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
•Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
•Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
•Thank you dead friends.
•Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
•Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
•Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
•Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord.
•I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.
•Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour
•Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows
•Child care provided with reservations.
•When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
•Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
•The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
•22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
•A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
•Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
•Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
•The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
•Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
•The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
•The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
•The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.