Your own life?

[John Little]

Do you live your life to please others? A prisoner of expectations?

Do you follow your own path?

Or is life a mixture of choices between the two?


And did you always live that way - or become who you are as you grew older?

[ShelleyCowie]

Do you live your life to please others? A prisoner of expectations?

Do you follow your own path?

Or is life a mixture of choices between the two?


And did you always live that way - or become who you are as you grew older?

I have no path, i used to try to hard to please everyone. In the end i found out i was doing that, but i wasn't happy. If i want other people to be happy, then i need to be happy myself.

I think expectations that some people make are so hard to keep nowadays. Some people may expect my house to be spotless and not a thing out of place! Oh thats so wrong! Im sick of trying to please. If i have a few dirty dishes sitting waiting to be done or have toys everywhere then deal with it. If you dont like it then dont come in!

The expectations i have heard from some parents of what they expect their children to do/become is absolutely unbelievable. The stress of a parent forcing studies and things on a child can lead to depression and anxiety.

Do your own thing is what i say. I am who i am because this is the way i want to be! Bubbly and talkative (sometimes) if you dont believe that last part ask some of my mates, they will tell you i am shy to start with! ;)

[ducati]

My life plan was to live fast and die young......er

[John Little]

It was this that prompted my questions....

"When I was taking Philosophy 101 my professor made a remark that had a strong and lasting impact on my life. He said simply, "We are all selfish. "Yeah, right," I thought. "Jesus was selfish. Gandhi was selfish. Martin Luthor King Jr. was selfish."

But I continued to think about it, trying to understand what he meant, because he obviously couldn't have meant it at the face value. And as I thought about it, it gradually became clear. I never discussed this with the professor, so I don't know if the interpretation I came to is what he meant, but I decided he was right. We are all selfish.

This isn't selfishness as most of us interpret it, though. It is positive selfishness. Free Dictionary defines selfish as "Concerned chiefly or only with oneself". "How can that be positive?", you ask. Think about it. You are responsible for your thoughts, your emotions, your desires, your actions.

When you help others, you do it because it gives you pleasure, or because it gives you less pain than not helping them would give you. By the same token, when you don't help others, you receive the greatest benefit by your actions. This is the way we are built. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. There is no one who has lived, saint or sinner, who has not had the same basic motivation.

The difference between the saint and the sinner is the saint has realized that the personality isn't the sum total of who we are. The saint has realized that helping others brings more pleasure than harming them. The sinner focuses on short-term pleasures that cause long-term pain. The saint focuses on long-term pleasures that can sometimes bring short-term pain. You can be a saint, or you can be a sinner, or, like most of us, you can be a little of both, and each day make choices that will take you to long-term pleasure."

http://www.shardsofconsciousness.com/how-to-be-selfish-in-a-positive-way

[Sage]

aaah good post

Definitely a little of both...although sometimes it can seem a lot one sided

I think as you grow older (ok someone correct me here :lol: ) you spend more time pleasing others. As you grow into family life, for example, you start doing things more for the benefit of the family, rather than for yourself.

I think its just the way it is, through my experience anyway. The more responsibility life brings, the more you have to think of others...if it means not following your dreams to help the dreams of others, then thats the path you may chose to take. Obviously you can be selfish and say "sod em" but life rarely works like that...unless you have limitless funds and a large staff ;)

No matter how hard you try, the expectations of others will always influence your life...unless you are a sociopath :eek:

[debimac]

I think i always tried to please more people when i was younger to be honest, and not long ago realised that there are a lot of selfish people out there and thought i've had it, i haven't got enough strength to waste my time on them anymore!
When i see my nan, who is in a nursing home, she makes me realise my time and energy is better spent with her as she appreciates it and deserves it!!
I think you do try to tolerate certain people or situations to make life a bit easier whether it be family, friends or work collegues.
I have felt a lot better since ditching the dirt (as i say), you don't have to walk on egg shells, which makes you feel less stressed and less worried!
I do tell my children not to rely on people too much as you will get let down and that hurts!

[Aaldtimer]

DESIDERATA
　
-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --


Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

:)

[joxville]

I lived my life to please others, always cared what others thought of me by my actions or words, consequently I wasn't entirely happy within myself; though it's too personal to go into detail on a public forum, my life changed 10 years ago, subsequently I slowly changed to the person I am today, I really don't give a damn what people think of me or can't take it when I tell them the truth, at least I'm being who I really am.

[mrlennie]

It was this that prompted my questions....

"When I was taking Philosophy 101 my professor made a remark that had a strong and lasting impact on my life. He said simply, "We are all selfish. "Yeah, right," I thought. "Jesus was selfish. Gandhi was selfish. Martin Luthor King Jr. was selfish."

But I continued to think about it, trying to understand what he meant, because he obviously couldn't have meant it at the face value. And as I thought about it, it gradually became clear. I never discussed this with the professor, so I don't know if the interpretation I came to is what he meant, but I decided he was right. We are all selfish.

This isn't selfishness as most of us interpret it, though. It is positive selfishness. Free Dictionary defines selfish as "Concerned chiefly or only with oneself". "How can that be positive?", you ask. Think about it. You are responsible for your thoughts, your emotions, your desires, your actions.

When you help others, you do it because it gives you pleasure, or because it gives you less pain than not helping them would give you. By the same token, when you don't help others, you receive the greatest benefit by your actions. This is the way we are built. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. There is no one who has lived, saint or sinner, who has not had the same basic motivation.

The difference between the saint and the sinner is the saint has realized that the personality isn't the sum total of who we are. The saint has realized that helping others brings more pleasure than harming them. The sinner focuses on short-term pleasures that cause long-term pain. The saint focuses on long-term pleasures that can sometimes bring short-term pain. You can be a saint, or you can be a sinner, or, like most of us, you can be a little of both, and each day make choices that will take you to long-term pleasure."

http://www.shardsofconsciousness.com/how-to-be-selfish-in-a-positive-way

I think this is a slight oversimplification of things...For example,

A dog is (and most animals for that matter) are purely selfish in the way you would put it. They are in it for themselves and cannot see past their needs. But if you were both placed in a room together and left to starve the dog would not try to kill you though it may have the ability, It might even try to look after you. A selfish human though (the short term one you mentioned) if selfish enough would eagerly sacrifice you to save his own skins. Although his brain functions are much higher. So it is my belief that there is more to it than that theory suggests. Might be wrong though...

[onecalledk]

The buddhists believe that is not possible to become and adult until you have reached the age of 54 because until that point you do not have enough life experience to use the term adult. As I have grown older I have become to realise just what it is that they mean.

As a youngster I tried to live to please my parents, after my father died I tried to please my mother, it was not until she died (5yrs ago) that I realised I cannot please anyone except for myself. Life is not about pleasing other people. It was not until I underwent various studies in beliefs and undertook the training in the various therapies that I do that I truely looked at what life is and what I had been doing. I was conditioned like everyone is conditioned, this comes through society, throught the family you are born into, the one you marry into, there are various conditionings that are placed upon you from birth.

That is NOT who we are though, until we can look under the layers of conditioning and find the true person we are we cannot live as that person. All of my experience of life has taken me to this point and it is only now that I can look at what serves and what doesnt. It is hard to let go of conditioning that you realise serves no one but is deeply embedded within you.

I truely believe that each one of us is here to do something. We are not here to blindly follow what others would have us be or do. A lot of parents live through their children thus denying the child what they came here to do. Society is moulding us as well as we try to "fit in" where in reality we are each unique so cannot fit in. In my personal opinion each one of us carries within us the seed of unlimited potential. We then spend our human experience trying to uncover that potential and work through the layers of conditioning that was placed upon us.

As I work through the layers and find who I really am my sense of peace heightens, my ability to accept who I am and what I do increases. When we can look at ourselves in the mirror and accept who looks back at us we have reached a sense of inner peace and contentment. That is ONLY found within and never outside ourselves. We spend our whole lives looking for happiness and contentment that ultimately it is down to us to embrace. No one can give us peace and happiness except for ourselves.

We all want to be accepted and loved for who we are but how many of us love and accept ourselves? When we love and accept ourselves then we look at our fellow humankind with a new perspective.

K

[David Banks]

At first, I lived my life mostly to meet others' expectations.

Then, I followed my own path, which in part was still within 'expectations.'

Things changed significantly four years ago, and I learned about the unexamined life - I would not go as far as to say that such a life was not worth living - but that there were many things which I had not considered. And I did realise that some things learned in my childhood are good for any life that I might now lead.

So I now have (hopefully) a working balance of the two.

[John Little]

What about parents?

Do we ever escape what they wish us to do or be, or expect us to behave?

And do we grow out of that too - and perhaps see through them?

I won't repeat Philip Larkin's thing here for fear of an infraction - but I wonder if he was right.

[daviddd]

Yes, Larkin was right (...they 'messed' you up your mum and dad) - but one can't go on living in the past and blaming parents for things that go wrong in our lives many years later. More and more people are looking for 'something more' to add meaning to life. Bring it on I say.

I have come to realise that I have tried to please people all along, because I never felt connected to my parents, and I have thereby been programmed to strive for this. Awareness of this is helping my healing and creating more self-love.

[Tatbabe]

When you're young you don't know what you want, what your strengths and weaknesses are and don't have any life experience.

I did 'what society expects from you', such as get married, have your statistic 2.5 children and work your a*** off to pay the bank for buying your own house / flat. You sort of sacrifice yourself in your job, i.e. working hours, dress code etc. for the money you make. Along the way you don't spend quality time with your family.
Worst case scenario is that once your children start living their own lives you find that you and your partner don't have enough in common anymore to keep the relationship going, so you divorce and sell the property ... !?

Luckily - for my - we didn't have children and when we got separated I started doing things I wanted and became the person I felt I was.
I know I have to compromise in life to a certain extent but I now rather take a job that pays less money and therefore live a life I'm satisfied with - hence my motto "Live your dream - don't dream your life".

So many people wish they could do this and that but don't dare to because they've put themselves in a position where they have to keep the job they have to pay the bills etc. and / or because they don't want to be 'different from the norm'. Or they wait to do things until they retire - hey, you might not have the money or health to do them then ... so do them while you can!
What happens is that they might end up retirement sitting in their armchair thinking "what if I had done this" ... "what if I had done that" ...

It definitely won't happen to me!

[sandyr1]

[QUOTE=Tatbabe;812068]When you're young you don't know what you want, what your strengths and weaknesses are and don't have any life experience.

Luckily - for my - we didn't have children and when we got separated I started doing things I wanted and became the person I felt I was.
I know I have to compromise in life to a certain extent but I now rather take a job that pays less money and therefore live a life I'm satisfied with - hence my motto "Live your dream - don't dream your life".

So many people wish they could do this and that but don't dare to because they've put themselves in a position where they have to keep the job they have to pay the bills etc. and / or because they don't want to be 'different from the norm'. Or they wait to do things until they retire - hey, you might not have the money or health to do them then ... so do them while you can!
What happens is that they might end up retirement sitting in their armchair thinking "what if I had done this" ... "what if I had done that" ...

Very well said.....I did!
I have a friend whose sailboat is named...IFIDA...If I'd a done this and that!
And a company called.....WISHWEHADA...Wish we hada done this and that.

[oldmarine]

Do you live your life to please others? A prisoner of expectations?

Do you follow your own path?

Or is life a mixture of choices between the two?

And did you always live that way - or become who you are as you grew older?


I am close to 86 years of life and feel like I have had a full life. I now try to live my life helping my children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildrem to the best of my ability. That includes my young wife who is 17-1/4 years younger than me. I lost my first wife to ovarian cancer and I know what life means.

[John Little]

That is the best life I think - not only have you a full life but you have a fulfilled life.

You are a happy man I think.

[achingale]

Good thread. I think I try and appease people too much but I am in a situation where this is something I just have to do for now. In a few years maybe I will hopefully follow my own path but one day it is certain. I have so far lived a full and varied life but there are so many other things I want to do. One day I will do them because if I do not I will not have lived a full life. I one day want to look back and say I did everything I always wanted to.

[Garnet]

This is a brilliant thread and everyone seems to be in much the same vein of thoughts.
I can honestly say that I fall into the helping others cagory, where exactly that came from I'm not sure, why did I feel the need to do this my whole life, especialy when in my teens I had so many things to do and places to go and never did. However I have no regets as to the path I took....just a shame I wasn't more adventurous when I'd the chance and single, still had I taken that course I probably not be where I am but somewhere else...that might not be as good.

[John Little]

Oh I think that's all about choices really.

The trouble is that when we are younger we do not really know that we have a choice.

Not that we are all the same of course - some people do know they have a choice.

And does gender make a difference?

If I had a pound for every person I have known who marched into marriage and did the whole bit at age 20 then woke up in their early 40's mentally screaming ' Where am I?' and 'What on earth am I doing here?' then I could pay for the Orger curry night.

Maybe the divorce rate is so high because we are prisoners of what we are supposed to do?

Do we blind our growing years with visions of what we are supposed to do?

[onecalledk]

Oh I think that's all about choices really.

The trouble is that when we are younger we do not really know that we have a choice.

Not that we are all the same of course - some people do know they have a choice.

And does gender make a difference?

If I had a pound for every person I have known who marched into marriage and did the whole bit at age 20 then woke up in their early 40's mentally screaming ' Where am I?' and 'What on earth am I doing here?' then I could pay for the Orger curry night.

Maybe the divorce rate is so high because we are prisoners of what we are supposed to do?

Do we blind our growing years with visions of what we are supposed to do?

From an energy point of view the chakras are all processed individually (we have 7 main ones in our body) from when we are born. When you reach the age of 35yrs old you would be processing your heart chakra and all the emotions this entails. If I had a pound for every person I knew who left their partner around this age !!! Its is the age that most of us decide whether we are on the right track or we need to make amends and move in another direction. Its a mini mid life crisis if you will.

K

[John Little]

There's friends too of course. I suppose they can have quite an influence.

Do you think what you think- or, like a feather pillow, bear the impression of the last head that leaned on you?

If your friends do or think something, do you immediately adopt that view or fall in with it and say nothing?

Or fight back in a blazing argument.

Or say nothing, hold your counsel for the sake of the friendship then go and do what you want to do?

Surely if if we have to live and believe as our friends wish, then there would be no real basis for a friendship at all? For our friends are compromises with facets we like and some we do not so much.

We have our friends on balance and if we have to fall in so much with what they do and say that we compromise what we think or do, then they are no friends.

Who owns your thoughts or deeds?

You - or your discourse group?