Dying quietly

[bagpuss]

Many old people do this, I now realise- the frail and elderly convince themselves that they don't need much food. Little by little, they scale down what they eat, often hiding food in a tissue, until they barely eat a few mouthfuls each day. Now consider this scenario- what is the kinder course of action? To encourage the old lady or gentleman to eat, by heating soup, and sitting with them while they tuck into it? or simply putting portions of food into a fridge and giving them the option of not eating it?

While I've been through this scenario myself, a friend has been ordered to stop interfering by a cousin when she tried to help an old lady who has decided life isn't worth living because her husband is dying in a hospital many miles away.

What would you do?

[Scarybiscuits03]

Its the person's choice - nobody else's!!

[theone]

I'm a bit lost with this.

Do you mean these elderly people eating to try to starve themselves into ill health as a means of "giving up".

I know of a family member who started doing similar and it was eventually diagnosed as Alzheimers.

[bagpuss]

The old person in question is over 80 and has never spent a night in an empty house in her life. Now that her husband is helpless (the hospital has yet to start him on morphine) she is alone, and scared.

But the sad reality is that while we try our best to deal with anorexia and bulimia with the young, we don't often realise it happens with the elderly also

[highlander]

BULL scarybiscuits, this is one of those postings that, really makes my heart crumble, these are folk who, no matter what age they are, they have loved each other, gawd how many of us have been worried about a partner and not been able to eat, speak or function, all the more for an eldery person who has looked after each other and has no say or can do no more for them, i have been through this, not easy but u just dont give up on life for others, hey one day..............................................l ook out

[Kevin Milkins]

I can fully understand what it must be like to have a long life with a partner and then in later years to have such a change in circumstances that the will to live goes.

When I lost my mother, my late father pretended he was OK, but seemed withdrawn most of the time and was loosing weight

It took us a while to realise that he wasn't OK and had lost the will to live.

Fortunately we have a large extended family that were able to spend time with him and make his life as interesting and fulfilling as possible.

Unfortunately for many elderly people today, either the family is too preoccupied with there own life or they have no one to give them the time and stimulation they need to want to carry on, and just give up.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

[onecalledk]

have you tried talking to her about how she feels ? the outward signs of her not eating and showing little interest in life are screaming that she is in emotional pain. So why not sit down with her and ASK her HOW she feels.

A lot of the time we presume how a person feels when in reality we have NO way of knowing. We can imagine how we would feel in that circumstance but nothing else.

Talk to her about her fears and her worries. A lot of people are scared they are going to open up a can of worms but todays society has stopped asking and stop listening to people.

It may be difficult but really listen to her, her worries, her pain without trying to fix it in the first instance. It may be a relief to her just to get the words out. Then you can work at helping her in a practical sense.

Food is not the issue in this scenario, her pain and her worry is.

good luck
K

[brandy]

again just repeating the above.
old people are no dif. than young people.
we all feel the same and have the same thoughts and emotions
for the most part.
we all hurt and feel lonliness..
the biggest part is that the young are more resilent in as far as their
bodies tend e stronger and last longer than the elderly.
when tom died, i felt like laying down in the grave with him.
at that time the fact that i had two young children and a very grieving husband did
not matter to me..
all i could feel was my own devestaion.
i quit eating, sleeping, speaking (mostly) and just existed in the barest sense of the world.
should people have said.. let her be.. its her right.. more than likely i would have wasted away..
but it took a lot of work and months of family and friends to get me to a place that i wanted to live.
i mean it hurt to look at my own children for a long time.
you can imagine how hard it is for an older person, who has never been on their own. to finally find theirselves alone, afraid, and just worn out.
something my grandmother use to say sometimes, was that she just didnt feel like living.
and there are many times in our lives this is true for everyone.
i just hope that there is someone there for those who get to that stage.. to tell them
that they are loved, and that they matter.
let them know that you need them, and life is worth living.
very rarely is life worse than death.
there are cases it is a blessing to let go and pass into the next world.. but this life is
precious as well.

[cazmanian_minx]

My grandmother became anorexic later in life - she started having problems chewing and swallowing food and eventually got scared to try to eat. My mother was tearing her hair out for a while until the doctor suggested body building milkshakes as a way to get calories into her to top up the few foods she felt she could eat. Worked beautifully, although it wasn't exactly what you'd call a balanced diet!

[Dadie]

Sitting eating and chatting with them is the better way to go.
You know they have had 1 decent meal that day and some company...
So in that position I would keep going until the old lady said otherwise rather than "family".
It may even cheer the old lady up and she may well be looking forward to the visits...or even a wee outing and a meal...to try to get them involved in life again...im sure there are lunch clubs and things for them to meet up with others...but getting the first step in the right direction is hard...

[Sandra_B]

I would vote for sitting and spending a while with them, loneliness is soul destroying.

[teenybash]

This lady needs people around her who care, not because she is elderly, but because she is a human being and she matters. Regardless of what her family may think, she needs companionship, someone to share a meal with, someone who is interested in how she is feeling and what she has to say, what her thoughts are. Age doesn't come into it when we feel alone and frightened, uneeded and unloved...this wee soul needs a bit of love and kindness....I hope someone is there to give her just a little of their time, it will make such a difference.

[bagpuss]

The lady's brother- an elderly chap himself who's had lots of health problems and is himself a widower does just what you are all saying- he calls her up each evening- when she is alone- and headed for bed. He's been trying to get her to accept help: home care; a 'tuck in' visit each night; but his nephew argues that while brother is many miles away from her, that he's been around and he knows she doesn't need any help.

brother is very anxious- he knows she doesn't eat, and that she's been coughing up blood- but is getting constant 'nothing's wrong' when he calls

I agree with everything that's been posted on this thread- some very nice, decent people out there- all of you

[onecalledk]

If she has been coughing up blood then she is in need of medical advice pronto! Of course she will say there is nothing wrong as older people dont like to put other people out. Coughing up blood is not something to be ignored. If a member of the family was to contact her GP and flag concerns with this then surely there is someway of her being seen?

Phoning her is not really the same as actually visiting her. As previous posters have advised having someone spend quality time with her is what she is needing. She doesnt neccessarily want to be fussed over like some pet, she is a human being who is going through a very tough time.

Physical symptoms like this should never be ignored.

K

[Mrs Bucket]

Sounds like it could be depression.

[Commore]

Having worked in quite a few geriatric homes, the "remedy" is always to try to get them to eat, if they don't they can be fed in other ways, through liquids etc,
in saying that, I have witnessed elderly people who have been left to their devices, and then it could be said they are dying quietly, not having the energy or strength to feed themselves.

I would if I found myself in that position make / heat the food and sit with them, because in my opinion the majority of older people are lonely and cannot abide eating alone, let aone cooking for one.