Never try to outsmart a woman!

[Lindarabett]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and
was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to
his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the
casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died,
she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was
stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her
friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before
the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a
minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it
away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm
a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to
put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that
money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Billy Boy]

A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be found guilty?"

[Billy Boy]

Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[fred]

There was a woman from in Bolton whos husband dies and her friends tell her she has to put a notice in the newspaper. So she goes to the newspaper office and asks how much it costs, they're a tight lot in Bolton. "It's 5 words for £1" says the lad in the office. "put 'Fred's dead' " says the woman and gives him 40p. The lad explains that it's £1 for each 5 words but if you use less than 5 words it still costs £1.

So the woman stands and thinks for a while then says "put 'Fred's dead. Ferret for sale.' ".

[Billy Boy]

A Dying Man's Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."