joke time

[dunderheed]

A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

"Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager.

"The famous Barras mate?", nodded the young weegie.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.
The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.

"So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy.

"just the wan"

The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for?

"£101,237.64" said the lad.

The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gaun' fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat.
We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined powerCat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a 4x4 Suzuki......."

The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a
four-by-four ... "

"Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's up the swanney, ye might as well go fishing..."'

[dunderheed]

The Scientist



A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had
successfully cloned a human being.
He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory
until it was an adult.
Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top
scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the
podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs
-- to an amazed audience.
But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone
stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists
assembled there. This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language
that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his
colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.
Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the
room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts
would go unheard.
The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's
parentage, his sister, his mother...

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed
forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the
hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for.....












making an obscene clone fall."

[dunderheed]

Yellow Paint



What's Red and smells like Yellow Paint?












































































Red Paint http://killiefc.com/forum/images/smilies/laughing1.gif

[dunderheed]

No sex tonight



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?? What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either...

http://killiefc.com/forum/images/smilies/no.gif


that should keep you chuckling for a wee while!

[peedie man]

keep them coming,its good to read something sensible:lol:

[Cedric Farthsbottom III]

Tax Inspector goes to talk to the Rabbi at the synagogue.

Inspector says,"So every year what do you do wi' all the wax that comes off the candles?"

Rabbi says,"We keep it all and send it to the factory to make new candles."

The Inspector says,"All the crumbs from the bread,what do you do wi it?"

Rabbi says"We keep it all and send it to the bakers and they make more."

The Inspector getting a bit miffed decides to put up a challenge,"So after all the circumcisions what do you do with that?"

Rabbi says," We send them to the Tax Inspector Office and they send us one of you!!!!!"