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dunderheed
28-Jun-06, 12:35
Be careful what you wish for...



A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"


Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.


Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

willowbankbear
28-Jun-06, 12:36
Good one sir[lol] [lol]

dunderheed
28-Jun-06, 12:42
Drive-Thru cash machines



We at the Bank of Scotland have recently introduced new "Drive-Thru" cash machines on several of our major routes.

However it has become nescessary to introduce a step by step guide to using them, mainly for the benefit of the many customers (often femalehttp://killiefc.com/forum/images/smilies/smilegrin.gif) who have been having difficulty so far.



1) Approach cash machine, keeping in mind that the cars in front of you are almost certainly using the facility also, and are therefore prone to be stopping in order to do so

2) When you arrive at the cash machine, stop and reverse around 2 yards so that you can reach the machine

3) Insert card into the slot with the flashing green light below it

4) The machine will spit the card back out at you, remove it and re-insert it the other way around

5) Carry out your desired transaction, and move off carefully

6) Several seconds later, you will have to stop, however DO NOT reverse as the following customer will have taken your place at the machine. Instead, pull over, taking care you havent completely blocked a single track throughfare, and walk gingerly back to the machine to collect your card, hoping the following car was not full of neds.

7) On returning to your car, take your phone out of your pocket and phone the number on your tax disc, informing whoever answers your call that your keys are still in the ignition and you have locked the door behind you.

8) Once back in the car, check your mirrors, signal, and move off

9) Around 2 miles down the road, you will begin to notice a loud squealing sound, and also that the car does not seem as surefooted as usual. Release your handbrake.

10) Enjoy the rest of your day, you have succesfully used our service



apologies for the sexism, no offence intended!!

Ricco
28-Jun-06, 12:46
Drive-Thru cash machines

apologies for the sexism, no offence intended!!

Get away with you, Dunderheed. Of course there was...;)

crystal
28-Jun-06, 12:47
Be careful what you wish for...



A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"


Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.


Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. very funny lol i like that joke:lol: :lol:

dunderheed
28-Jun-06, 13:10
Get away with you, Dunderheed. Of course there was...;)

just to show there wasn't here's some for the ladies:Razz

Male Jokes



For the males (and females who can have a laugh at males!)

Apologies if they've been posted before...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

----------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

crystal
28-Jun-06, 13:17
:lol: :lol: teehee thats even funnyer than the last one

Elenna
28-Jun-06, 13:20
More laughter from me. [lol] Thanks, dunderheed!

Ann
28-Jun-06, 13:36
Brilliant. Oh but it is good to have a laugh!

dunderheed
28-Jun-06, 13:45
thanks folks , i'm just trying to make up for last weeks wee storm in the Dcup if you know what i mean ;) without making a mountain out of a mole hill:lol:

crystal
28-Jun-06, 13:48
keep up the good work heehee;)

dunderheed
28-Jun-06, 14:11
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''

The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.'' The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

''Yes, you are, that was the barbi you ate''

crystal
28-Jun-06, 15:16
teehee they just get better and better :lol: :lol:

airdlass
28-Jun-06, 16:05
Be careful what you wish for...



A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"


Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.


Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Brilliant:D

willowbankbear
28-Jun-06, 18:07
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It

be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his
briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't
believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

willowbankbear
28-Jun-06, 18:09
>The 4th Affair
>A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening
>the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>"Don't move until I tell you", she said, " pretend you're a statue."
>"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>"Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>so I got one for us, too."
>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
>with a sandwich and a beer.
>"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
>I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered
>me a damned thing."
>

willowbankbear
28-Jun-06, 18:12
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...


From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.


The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.


Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

willowbankbear
28-Jun-06, 18:40
Whats the difference between a councillor(thurso area,Bill) & a battery?
A battery has a positive side!

Ricco
28-Jun-06, 18:43
Whats the difference between a councillor(thurso area,Bill) & a battery?
A battery has a positive side!

Very good! Luv it.:lol:

George Brims
28-Jun-06, 19:06
A man from Wick went out one night drinking with his mates, stayed out very late, and got very drunk. He woke up the next morning with a horrible hangover. He went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face, and discovered on looking in the mirror he also had two black eyes. He went down to the kitchen, expecting to be told off for being in such a state, but his wife said nothing, set a nice breakfast in front of him, and poured him a cup of tea. This made him feel terribly guilty, so he said to his wife "I really must apologise to you my dear, coming home late in such a drunken state, and with these two black eyes." The wife replied "No need to apologise. You didn't have those when you got home".

Nello
28-Jun-06, 19:22
Ever Felt that you have just done something Stupid ??

Bet this guy feels just like that !! ....


The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.


The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

.... :eek: :eek:

George Brims
28-Jun-06, 19:29
That story is an urban legend. A really great TV show in the US is called "Mythbusters". The team is headed by a couple of special effects pros, who set up some really crazy stuff to check out what would happen if someone was really dumb enough to try some of these things. I don't know if they tried that one, but I bet they would love to!

Nello
28-Jun-06, 20:16
Good Spot George,

Im busted .. saw it on the Darwin Awards site but just thought I would post it anyway !! .. just a pity it is a legend as it is quite amusing .. the site is very good and I can recommend the "Gerbil Rocket" story if you can find it !! .. ;)

katarina
28-Jun-06, 20:42
Drive-Thru cash machines



We at the Bank of Scotland have recently introduced new "Drive-Thru" cash machines on several of our major routes.

However it has become nescessary to introduce a step by step guide to using them, mainly for the benefit of the many customers (often femalehttp://killiefc.com/forum/images/smilies/smilegrin.gif) who have been having difficulty so far.



1) Approach cash machine, keeping in mind that the cars in front of you are almost certainly using the facility also, and are therefore prone to be stopping in order to do so

2) When you arrive at the cash machine, stop and reverse around 2 yards so that you can reach the machine

3) Insert card into the slot with the flashing green light below it

4) The machine will spit the card back out at you, remove it and re-insert it the other way around

5) Carry out your desired transaction, and move off carefully

6) Several seconds later, you will have to stop, however DO NOT reverse as the following customer will have taken your place at the machine. Instead, pull over, taking care you havent completely blocked a single track throughfare, and walk gingerly back to the machine to collect your card, hoping the following car was not full of neds.

7) On returning to your car, take your phone out of your pocket and phone the number on your tax disc, informing whoever answers your call that your keys are still in the ignition and you have locked the door behind you.

8) Once back in the car, check your mirrors, signal, and move off

9) Around 2 miles down the road, you will begin to notice a loud squealing sound, and also that the car does not seem as surefooted as usual. Release your handbrake.

10) Enjoy the rest of your day, you have succesfully used our service



apologies for the sexism, no offence intended!!


So it was you in that car behind me?

Cedric Farthsbottom III
28-Jun-06, 21:33
thanks folks , i'm just trying to make up for last weeks wee storm in the Dcup if you know what i mean ;) without making a mountain out of a mole hill:lol:

Ye behave yirsel now!!!Welcome back grizzler.;D

Nello
29-Jun-06, 01:17
Victoria Beckaham comes home to find David runing around the house yelling "47 days .. 47 days" , Victoria ask him what he is on about and David replies " I have finished that Jigsaw and it only took me 47 days" .. Victoria comments that really isnt that impressive at all and David replies ..

"Yes it is .. it says 2 to 4 Years on the side of the box"



When David Beckham was at Man United and had been pretty poor in training for a week so Fergie invited him in for a chat where it transpires that the problem is a jigsaw David is having problems with. Fergie tells him to sort it out and expects to see a marked improvement and soon. David's form however is still poor and so Fergie chats to him again and finds the problem is still the jigsaw. Desperate to get David back on form he offers to finish the jigsaw with him and tells him to tkae it in with him in the Morning. Sure enough David comes in and pours the jigsaw out on the table with with the words "Gaffer it just wont match up to the picture" , Fergie takes one look, rolls his eyes and says ..

"David, put the Frosties back in the box and get out"

George Brims
29-Jun-06, 02:01
David Beckham is out shopping with Posh, and sees a Thermos flask on the shelf. "What's this for?" he asks. Posh rolls her eyes and says "It's a Thermos flask". "What's it for?" he says. "You put food or drinks in it" says Posh, "and it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold". "I'm having one of those" says Becks, and buys it.

Next day Becks is putting his flask in his locker at training, and Sir Alex asks him "What you got in the flask, David?"

"Coffee" says Becks, "and some ice cream".