Football free island... [Archive] - Caithness.Org Forums

John Little

12-Jun-10, 10:48

I do not like football.

I have my own good reasons - but the fact is that I could not give a flying wombat who plays, wins, loses or has affairs with other players' wives.

I don't care.

I can't be alone.

Can I?

Is there some nice football hating billionaire out there on the Org who has a nice Hebridean island where we could just go and chill out, away from Ingerlund flags, painted faces, rowdies shouting Ingerland on the train thinking they are terribly clever whilst getting drunk in a way that decent folks would once have been ashamed to in public?

Jingo flags flying, anti-foreigner racism given free rein- me shying away from foreigners because I don't want to be associated with that lot or have people think that is what we are all like.

Telly dominated by football and the Bill cancelled or shifted. Inordinate amounts of cash paid to overpaid yahoos running round kicking a ball while people who do real work get paid a pittance.

I do not like football.

So I'm a weirdo - right?

Sandra_B

12-Jun-10, 10:49

If you are, so am I...

adi1

12-Jun-10, 10:59

I do not like football.

Is there some nice football hating billionaire out there on the Org who has a nice Hebridean island where we could just go and chill out,

Telly dominated by football and the Bill cancelled or shifted.

I do not like football.

So I'm a weirdo - right?
You will need Sky on your Hebridean island John as STV don't show The Bill anymore :)

John Little

12-Jun-10, 11:17

Ah - but on a Hebridean island I would not want or need a telly. ;)

adi1

12-Jun-10, 11:19

Touche :Razz

badger

12-Jun-10, 11:29

You will need Sky on your Hebridean island John as STV don't show The Bill anymore :)

I found to my joy it's on ITV3 quite often - so nice to see all my old friends again :)

I'll join you on the island though until this wretched business is over. BBC is particularly bad - try to watch the news and it's World Cup. BBC 1 and 2 seems obsessed with sport, if it's not football it's tennis. Like John, I don't care. If people want to go to S Africa and watch men kicking a ball around that's their problem but keep it out of my house [disgust]

ShelleyCowie

12-Jun-10, 11:36

Bobinovich

12-Jun-10, 11:39

John I fear your island will baulk at the weight of the many who will join you - me included!

The Drunken Duck

12-Jun-10, 11:43

Football Haters .. Don't forget the Canadian Grand Prix is on this weekend !!

And yes John your right, Football is a borderline male game that should be called Nancyball. Watching men supposedly at the peak of physical fitness writhe around in agony from tackles that a four year old could shrug off is embarrassing. I advocate mining the box and giving the Goalkeeper a sniper rifle.

That'll sort out the men from the boys.

adi1

12-Jun-10, 12:16

Perhaps there is a window of opportunity here to make a few quid
Maybe a tented village on Stroma could be the answer :D

kmahon2001

12-Jun-10, 12:18

Perhaps we could all club together to buy an island, but I'd prefer the Northern Isles - too damp and too many midges in the Hebrides. ;)

John Little

12-Jun-10, 15:08

There's a deadly hush on the Org today
They're all watching England v USA
While they are all goggling the box
The local villains can pick their locks
Hot the ignition and wa-hey-hey-
Steal their cars - and drive away.

northener

12-Jun-10, 15:15

Go onto Freeview and put channel 708 (BBC R7) on, John.

Endless comedy classics (eg, Goons, Clitheroe Kid, Les Dawson,Micheal Bentine, The Embassy Lark...) plus Sherlock Holmes, Lord Peter Wimsey and some crackingly nasty kids stories. Not a whiff of footie, I love it.

Lavenderblue2

12-Jun-10, 15:16

Three weeks on Stroma with a pile of good books and plenty of good food...bliss.;)

John Little

12-Jun-10, 15:17

Souns good to me - thanks N!! I shall look later when me chores is done! ;)

cherokee

12-Jun-10, 15:18

Leanne

12-Jun-10, 15:36

I'll go the island too. I don't mind having a kickabout - I was on a mixed 5-a-side team when I was a teenager. I just don't understand the mentality of the couch potatoes who sit there and cheer on their team. Why refer to them as 'us'? You have never got off your ass in your life so have no right to claim to be part of it ;)

John Little

12-Jun-10, 15:41

Intcha prahd ov yer country?

Inger...laaaa----and! Inger-larrrrr---nd

Doncha wanna see yer country win?

Wot r u?
Corl yesel a patriot?

Inguer-laaaaaarnd!
Incha prahd uv yer flag?

Belch, sway, reel, vomit.

Gawd save the Qean. Larnd ov HOOOp and Gloorrrry.

Gad! Makes me proud to be British! [disgust]

And actually - that's not a bad impression of the guys on the train back from London last weekend....

brandy

12-Jun-10, 15:52

do you know i have not seen a single football related anything on tv! *G*
saying that the only time the tv is on is when the kids are watching something and thats usually ben 10 or star wars related.. maybe a bit of chowder to mix it up..
and ohhh my shows.. but i record them and watch them when i have time.
so nope no football nightmares for me.. but saying that i did see a american flag in wick today and i was shouting sam sam look look theres the red white and blue! thats the american flag! its scary.. ive lived here for 10 years.. and seeing that flag waving in the air.. just brought joy to my heart.. i guess you can take the girl out of the country but not the country out of the girl!
never thought i would get giddy over seeing the stars and stripes,, but its just got me .. i guess seeing it on scottish soil so to speak.. saying that we saw two more scottish flags that i pointed out to sam and ben and we were having a talk about all the dif flags after that!

Leanne

12-Jun-10, 16:05

but saying that i did see a american flag in wick today and i was shouting sam sam look look theres the red white and blue! thats the american flag!

How come it was flying?

brandy

12-Jun-10, 16:11

dont know, maybe because of the game tonight.. but it did tickle me.. its at the top of harbour hill where the old furniture store use to be.. the ones they are turning into houses/flats

EDDIE

12-Jun-10, 16:11

I hate football to what amazes me is why cant they stick the football and other events similar on bbc3 or itv3 so it does annoy people or interrupt the normal run of the mill programs

bekisman

12-Jun-10, 16:29

Never really followed football - apart from kicking a ball around as kids..it (to me) seems strange, that - for example - if we had a billionaire living in Watten, he could 'buy' the best players in the world?

So that eventually 'Watten United' could win the word cup or top of the league, or something? - seems a bit silly that...:confused

upolian

12-Jun-10, 16:50

Football is boring 'yawns' no adrenaline what so ever! Just people trying to get a ball in a net...i mean.....why why why?

I find motorsport interesting exciting :)

bekisman

12-Jun-10, 17:02

Football is boring 'yawns' no adrenaline what so ever! Just people trying to get a ball in a net...i mean.....why why why?

I find motorsport interesting exciting :)

Yep, just about to watch qualifying for Canadian F1;)

Kenneth

12-Jun-10, 17:24

Quite frankly how anyone who can't enjoy football is beyond me - there is a simple pleasure in kicking something, so why not make a game out of it?

It is a game which brings people across the continent together, its such a beautiful sport, in it's simplicity and in it's tactics and skills, and how it can be played by anyone.

Agreed there are some leagues wherein players are paid a ridiculous amount, but this comes from sponsorship, media, and fans who are willing enough to pay high ticket prices (and anything over £10 in the SPL should be considered high!!!)

And for those who say its a namby pampy sport, try being a 5 foot 7 goalkeeper in the Summer league, and having your face kicked as you dive towards the ball. Rugby it isn't but tiddlywinks it aint. ;)

John Little

12-Jun-10, 17:26

MMMMMMmmmmm........... thinks for a moment.

Nah! Guards - deport this man from the island!! :lol:

Vistravi

12-Jun-10, 17:27

I will happily go to that island! I hate football and im sick of hearing about this world cup, its just a cup, i have a cup if they want it!

But im lucky because my OH doesnt like football either :D

The only football i will watch is when the kids play for their wee teams. Love watching that, its just a bit of fun for them, nothing serious at all and they enjoy it.

I'm like you Shelley, I utterly detest the game!!
Aren't we lucky gals that our OH's feel the same !:lol:

My partner doesn't like watching football either but he does like a game of kick about with his mates and my younger brothers.

I had to watch my partner, Sami's godfather and a couple of their mates playing against 4 lads out in reay recently. My partner and our son's godfather wanted me and Sami to watch and Sami was declared their mascot lol. Some boys just never grow up lol.

Gizmo

12-Jun-10, 17:57

I don't follow football, but i don't "Hate" football. I despise....with a passion, the ignorant religious bigotry that infests Scottish football though. I don't care who wins the World Cup, but i'll still probably watch a couple of games, and the final, if there is sod all else worth watching.

John Little

12-Jun-10, 18:06

Right! That's it!

Send for Riggerboy!!!

We on the island have a wee job for you...... :Razz

northener

12-Jun-10, 18:47

Right! That's it!

Send for Riggerboy!!!

We on the island have a wee job for you...... :Razz

Hmmm...I see where this is going to end up....

.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2IwOemnjbI

John Little

12-Jun-10, 21:15

I could play air guitar....:lol:

No - we'd have to establish a committee of public safety and erect a guillotine by the merkat cross on the island. At the bottom of the guillotine would not be a basket but a goal mouth......

And I'd love to play Robespierre.....

riggerboy

13-Jun-10, 07:55

sorry i took so long to get here,

""" was busy setting up the special gallows for the gala thief"""

anyway here now, whos for the rope

hang em hang em hang em
hang em hang em hang em
hang em hang em hang high

o i do like a sunday hanging, (no charge if its a football fan)

anyone for tea afterwards,,,,,,

John Little

13-Jun-10, 08:03

Right!
Just so's there's no misunderstandings!

If you are a foootball person please read the above.

There will be no football on this island.

Now all we need is a secret police..... any volunteers.

ducati

13-Jun-10, 08:56

I'll come and set up the polis force. The uniform I have in mind......

http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jun2010/1/4/england-fan-in-south-africa-pic-dm-522676828.jpg

Watcha think?

John Little

13-Jun-10, 09:25

I hereby appoint you chief of Polis.

Any football fans creeping onto the island will be wrapped up tight and screaming in the St George's flag and delivered up for trial.

Gotta have a fair trial though before Riggerboy gets em.

Who for the judge, jury and lawyers?

brandy

13-Jun-10, 09:46

i though riggerboy was going to be the judge!

The Drunken Duck

13-Jun-10, 10:04

Who for the judge, jury and lawyers?

Can I be Judge ??

I have some seriously "alternative" forms of punishment thought up .. :D

I promise to be ruthless, slightly amusing and am dedicated to ensure that those who appear before me will NOT want to re-offend. For instance a first time offender will be sentenced to be made airtight with a bag of carrots. It's effective and what's more the cost to the taxpayer, in these austere times, will be negligible. No comfy cells and Playstations for those sentenced in my presence.

I can promise effective, amusing, cheap and sensible sentencing options to the guilty, sorry the accused, who dare to enter my presence. I also propose the losing lawyer share the fate of his client just to spice things up a bit.

Phill

13-Jun-10, 10:12

Can I be Judge and Jury please?

In these times of economic difficulty I think it would be prudent to merge some services to deliver a cost efficient service. Plus I'd be wizz bang fast, no lengthy trials here.

GUILTY!
"but what about opening statements for the defence yer honour?"
GUILTY also, Hang 'em both

Amy-Winehouse

13-Jun-10, 10:28

Football is boring 'yawns' no adrenaline what so ever! Just people trying to get a ball in a net...i mean.....why why why?

I find motorsport interesting exciting :)

Driving a car is boring too, go round the circuit 74 times, come 1st & spray everyone with champagne ?? Thats dull imo . Usually after the first lap its over so why bother? Its not as if ye can play it when yer a wee boy is it?

Look at the damage ye do to the enviroment with the carbon omissions , no , give me sport ye can participate in every time:Razz

The Drunken Duck

13-Jun-10, 11:52

Driving a car is boring too, go round the circuit 74 times, come 1st & spray everyone with champagne ?? Thats dull imo . Usually after the first lap its over so why bother? Its not as if ye can play it when yer a wee boy is it?

Look at the damage ye do to the enviroment with the carbon omissions , no , give me sport ye can participate in every time:Razz

Give today's race a watch. Lots of incidents in Canada, there is an average of TWO safety cars a race in Canada which will bunch them back up. The track hasn't been raced on in two years and is tearing the softer tyres up. Lewis Hamilton is on pole and starting on these tyres, some of the guys behind him aren't. But they will have to run them at some point. Should be a cracker.

F1 has been anything BUT boring this year.

John Little

13-Jun-10, 12:36

Can I be Judge ??

I have some seriously "alternative" forms of punishment thought up .. :D

I promise to be ruthless, slightly amusing and am dedicated to ensure that those who appear before me will NOT want to re-offend. For instance a first time offender will be sentenced to be made airtight with a bag of carrots. It's effective and what's more the cost to the taxpayer, in these austere times, will be negligible. No comfy cells and Playstations for those sentenced in my presence.

I can promise effective, amusing, cheap and sensible sentencing options to the guilty, sorry the accused, who dare to enter my presence. I also propose the losing lawyer share the fate of his client just to spice things up a bit.

Well :( You can if you want, but I had you in mind for the supreme ruler - Hermann von Drunckenduk

The Drunken Duck

13-Jun-10, 12:55

Well :( You can if you want, but I had you in mind for the supreme ruler - Hermann von Drunckenduk

Jawohl !! .. Ist Gut.

:D

Raus !! .. Raus !! .. Schell mein Gunstling !!

horseman

13-Jun-10, 13:01

No footie!!bad place to be that!!!Each to their own as ever, so I would be in a big minority on this post. I usually mooch around in a huff in the summer season, mrs h with a smug smile on her chops--I can usually console myself with the g/prix, Canadian today, an after yesterdays showing in S/Africa-- I need some thing to cheer me up, so I will be cheering on Lewis.
No at all into tennis- cricket-rugby like golf though--so I would be giving your wee off shore island a very wide berth.:D

John Little

13-Jun-10, 14:13

As the MV Hamnavoe pulled slowly into the small harbour on the independent northern Paradise island of Socafree she was watched by a deceptively languid figure lounging by the dock. Nick Ducati, dread chief of the Free Island from Football Agency. (FIFA) the island’s secret police drew slowly on his cheroot and scanned the passengers eager to disembark. Looking at the hard world-weary eyes behind the suntan and pencil moustache it could be seen that this was not a man to mess with.

The movement with his hand was almost imperceptible, but at his signal trench-coated figures moved forward to intercept a large hairy figure coming down the gangplank. Realising that he had been recognised the man tried to bolt so that he could mingle with the throng along the cornice, but Ducati’s men knew their work and pinned him against a wall. One of them whipped off the wig and sunglasses and beard to reveal a florid face and on his bald head was painted the flag of St George.

‘Inger-laaaaand!’; he shouted. ‘Inger…..agh!’

He was cut off short by Ducati’s hand whipping across his face.

‘Silence you dog!’ hissed Ducati. ‘You are not infecting our people with your plague. Take him away!’.

The prisoner was bundled into a waiting limo.

One of Ducati’s agents came up to him and asked ‘Where to guv?’

Ducati snapped ‘Take him to the boss – I think it’s time we made an example…’

‘By ‘eck’ said the agent (He was a man of the north) ‘He’ll wish he’d never been born.

A few minutes later the hapless prisoner was ushered into the presence of Supreme Leader of Socafree – Hermann von Drunckenduk.

‘Zo!’ sneered Drunckenduk. ‘Anuzzer football fan sinks zat zey can defy our laws und get wvay wiz it!

Vare are you from?’

(He always talked like that after a couple of Old Pulteneys)

‘Liverpool’ answered the wretch, trembling by now.

‘Zat is even vurse!’ said Drunckenduk. ‘Very vell … vee shall haf to put you on trial but I sink it likely zat you vill shortly be meeting wiz my friend von Riggerboi…..

Ze crime ist football! Ze penalty is………’

northener

13-Jun-10, 14:25

To be pelted with peltags and crushed under a containerload of rotten cuddings....

John Little

13-Jun-10, 14:27

"But first you must face trial in the court of Johan Klein- my Chief Justice.... he shall decide your guilt....."

John Little

13-Jun-10, 15:03

The England fan was brought into the imposing courtroom where sat Chief Justice Johan Klein of Socafree.

The chief justice, a tall man with a red nose, the mark of a heavy drinker, was an old buddy of El Supremo and owed his position entirely to nepotism and the fact that he knew exactly what was expected of him.

'What is your name?' he queried the prisoner with a piercing gaze.

'Fabio Capello your honour' replied the man in the dock.

'And you are English?' asked Klein?

'Well - no your honour - I'm Italian'

'So!' mused Klein. 'Stranger and stranger- you are Italian, and yet you pose as an England supporter and bring this forbidden vice to our island?'

'Your honour - I was trying to escape?'

'Escape? Escape? I sense there is far more to this than meets the eye- I commit you for a full trial and appoint von Aldtimer as your defence.
Now you need to find a lawyer for the defence......'

Aaldtimer

14-Jun-10, 03:08

Sorry JL, cannae oblige...eh canna make oot a wurd this tally is sayin ti me...onnyweys, ehm too bizzy watchin' the footie!;)
Franz von Aaltimer.

Michael .Sk

14-Jun-10, 04:07

I,m not surprised that a post like this was put up for everyone to have a moan about. But do you think there would be so many moans if Scotland had qualified i think not. Its a fact of life that football is a part of every day life now and whether or not you like it it will be shown on TV, you don,t have to watch it so why moan about it. The world cup happens once every 4 years and lasts for 4 weeks surely there are more important things to moan about than having to moan about a few games of football for that period.

As for me i,m glad the football is on and hopefully it will stop shows for a while like corrie and eastenders and programs that should have been taken of the air years ago like the Bill.

Oh and well done Hamilton

ducati

14-Jun-10, 08:41

Your are a disease...........

And I am the cure :eek:

northener

14-Jun-10, 09:47

John Little

14-Jun-10, 09:54

Sentence has been passed.

Send for von Riggerboi..............

riggerboy

14-Jun-10, 10:30

Football bore.

Hang him.

Sentence has been passed.

Send for von Riggerboi..............

i`m here bring him to the gallows, stop birch him first for not reading the rules,,, then i`ll hang him, knot to the back of the neck mes thinks, death is slower that way ,,,,,

everyone agree,,,,

then i shall drop him,,,,

John Little

14-Jun-10, 10:35

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyFyAqLtHq8&feature=PlayList&p=43CD38BB1F389D5C&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=11

The Drunken Duck

15-Jun-10, 09:55

Have we had any new residents that have lived past the first five minutes on the Island yet or has Riggerboy just hung them all as they arrive ??

I think we need a different approach, make it a bit more sporting if you will.

1 .. "Football fan in a Caravan" .. Two cranes each with a football fan tied to the hook by their feet and wrapped in a foam suit and equipped with a crash helmet. In a Caravan a la Top Gear. First you have to bash them out of the Caravan and then you just bash them. The best bit is that they don't break and can be used again and again.

2 .. "Running Fan" .. Like the Arnie film of a similiar name. Basically give them a Lycra suit and a one hour head start. The fun part is that we have laced the crotch with Deep Heat and chilli powder. They wont get far and it will be like watching someone run with a beehive in their trousers.

3 .. "Trebauchet-Away" .. Take a trebauchet and mark out a bullseye on the grass a mile away. Wrap football fan in cling film and give the relevant amount of points for the circle they land on. First to 50 points wins. Bonus points awarded for the loudest pop made on Landing. Bounces too, earn extra points.

4 .. "Drunken Windmilling" .. We pair up the fans and make them box for five minutes each. But only after they down eight tins of Stella, three double whiskies, a family sized trifle and a Pot Noodle. Points are awarded for each punch landed, which wont be easy but will be funny to watch. Making your opponent re-gurgitate is an outright match winner.

5 .. "Minefield Madness" .. We tell the fans that they can leave the Island .. BUT .. a piece of ground stands between them and freedom that contains one mine. What they don't know is there isn't one mine. There are none. Meanwhile we stand pelting them rotten eggs as they gingerly make their way through and then tell them as they exit the area.

I think that Capital Punishment for the Nancyball supporting fraternity should be amusing, Justice doesn't have to be dour.

John Little

15-Jun-10, 11:45

The Drunken Duck

15-Jun-10, 20:21

Sounds good to me Oh Supreme Leader.

But we must cater for the wives abandoned or forced to watch their lives thrown into neutral by the world cup.

May I suggest a football fan gauntlet where they can make a run for a rowing boat to escape the island, but they have to run between two lines of football widows armed with double strength paintball guns firing red and white?

signed

Johan Klein ( Chief Justice of Socafree)

That does sound good, .. can we use real guns though ?? .. [evil]

Might I suggest also holding a Foxy Boxing/Hot Oil wrestling tournament for the abandoned spouses ??, forshame to them for letting their other halves turn to the dark side that is Nancyball. They too should share the punishment !! .. :D .. and we do deserve to see some eye candy.

We could call it "Miss World Cup", the winner gets an all expenses paid night out with Riggerboy consisting of a luxury meal of their choosing from the Chipper, followed by two bottles of alcopop and a couple of boogies in a dingy nightclub while he regales them of the people he has hung that day.