The Drunken Duck
27-May-10, 16:30
I just got caught out on a Facebook chat with a girl I once worked with due to a long forgotten white lie. It involves a cat, a jet engine and 200 Deutsche Marks. I ask for absolution and forgiveness for the following ....
It's 1991 on the German Plain. The Cold War is grinding to a halt and RAF Germany will soon be a memory but this Drunk Duck is 18, going out with a lovely example of a Waaf that I worked with and spending his evenings necking as much Warsteiner as possible and enjoying the company of said girl. On the Squadron I worked on was a cat, it had wandered in a few months before and been adopted by all of us. No that it thanked us much. My girlfriend loved that cat, no one else did as it was an evil little sod. Any bloke who approached it got hissed at, scratched and bitten. But it was fine with the two girls on the unit and they treated it like a God.
One day I came into work and said cat was firmly stuck in full on hate mode, it crawled all over my desk hissing at me and it scratched my hand too. Now, the Squadron building was placed right in about all the aircraft shelters so we were told not to let the cat outdoors. There were 12 F-4 Phantom jets in shelters outside and Foreign Object Damage was a big concern. But on this day I had had enough of the little satanic git running amok on my desk and just turfed him onto the floor. But on looking out of the window a few seconds later I saw the cat bounding towards a jet in the shelter opposite getting ready to be ground run by the Engineers. Looking round I saw the last lad to leave had not shut the door properly. Damn .. better get the cat back !!, As soon as I got outside the cat saw me and legged it. Right towards the shelter with the jet which by now was emitting the shrill whine of a Rolls Royce Turbofan spooling up. The more I tried to catch it the faster it ran towards the now running jet. I could hear the engine tone rising as more power was applied. I waved my hands above my head to get the attention of the Engineer in the cockpit and started wildly making the "cuthroat" sign to get them to shut down the engine. Still the cat bounded away from me still hissing and oblivous to the danger. Too late I saw what was inevitably going to happen.
The cat ran past the safety man who was standing facing the jet and right into the suction area for the port engine. It then rose like a Harrier to about six feet and transitioned into a rapid forward flight, did one complete barrel roll, and entered the intake with a large "Meooooooooooooooowwwwwwww" sound. This last bit came from the safety man who was shocked to see the cat a) appear and b) get airborne. This abruptly ended with a flash and a slight bang from the engine. Uh oh. The surprised Engineers shut down the engine and a debrief began. While we did not mourn the cats actual passing, it truly was evil, we mourned the way it went. No living thing deserved that. We consoled ourselves that it had been quick if nothing else. Luckily for me the engine being tested had already been "rejected" by the Engineers on start up and they were just running off excess fuel so the cat impacting it really made no difference, it was for the scrap heap anyway and it could eat moggies with no real problems. I did however have to pay 100DM (£35) to the Engineers beer fund to ensure they kept their mouth shut. Later I had to pay another 100DM to stop them painting a cat "kill" marking on the side of the jet and making my lapse of concentration public. Hence the 200 Deutsche Marks.
I ask forgiveness for the following so that I may ease my troubled conscience at the re-emergence of this incident ..
My white lie by telling my then Girlfriend that the cat "must have got out and just run away", compounded by my then using her weakened emotional state to get more nookie than normal.
My lapse of concentration in not ensuring the door was secured after the guy left, as per my local orders.
My lack of patience with one of God's creatures. If I had not put the cat on the floor it would have continued attacking me and would have lived. At least longer than that day. Besides, scars heal and women dig them.
My later attempts at dark humour with the Engineers involved by joking that the cat had been "Spey'd". The F-4 Phantom was powered by Rolls Royce Spey Turbofans. This is what caught me out in the recent Facebook chat when I remembered the incident and asked my ex girlfriend if she remembered the little ginger devil that got "Spey'd" that sunny day in 1991.
Perhaps if I can show her that others can forgive me then she will .. :roll:
It's 1991 on the German Plain. The Cold War is grinding to a halt and RAF Germany will soon be a memory but this Drunk Duck is 18, going out with a lovely example of a Waaf that I worked with and spending his evenings necking as much Warsteiner as possible and enjoying the company of said girl. On the Squadron I worked on was a cat, it had wandered in a few months before and been adopted by all of us. No that it thanked us much. My girlfriend loved that cat, no one else did as it was an evil little sod. Any bloke who approached it got hissed at, scratched and bitten. But it was fine with the two girls on the unit and they treated it like a God.
One day I came into work and said cat was firmly stuck in full on hate mode, it crawled all over my desk hissing at me and it scratched my hand too. Now, the Squadron building was placed right in about all the aircraft shelters so we were told not to let the cat outdoors. There were 12 F-4 Phantom jets in shelters outside and Foreign Object Damage was a big concern. But on this day I had had enough of the little satanic git running amok on my desk and just turfed him onto the floor. But on looking out of the window a few seconds later I saw the cat bounding towards a jet in the shelter opposite getting ready to be ground run by the Engineers. Looking round I saw the last lad to leave had not shut the door properly. Damn .. better get the cat back !!, As soon as I got outside the cat saw me and legged it. Right towards the shelter with the jet which by now was emitting the shrill whine of a Rolls Royce Turbofan spooling up. The more I tried to catch it the faster it ran towards the now running jet. I could hear the engine tone rising as more power was applied. I waved my hands above my head to get the attention of the Engineer in the cockpit and started wildly making the "cuthroat" sign to get them to shut down the engine. Still the cat bounded away from me still hissing and oblivous to the danger. Too late I saw what was inevitably going to happen.
The cat ran past the safety man who was standing facing the jet and right into the suction area for the port engine. It then rose like a Harrier to about six feet and transitioned into a rapid forward flight, did one complete barrel roll, and entered the intake with a large "Meooooooooooooooowwwwwwww" sound. This last bit came from the safety man who was shocked to see the cat a) appear and b) get airborne. This abruptly ended with a flash and a slight bang from the engine. Uh oh. The surprised Engineers shut down the engine and a debrief began. While we did not mourn the cats actual passing, it truly was evil, we mourned the way it went. No living thing deserved that. We consoled ourselves that it had been quick if nothing else. Luckily for me the engine being tested had already been "rejected" by the Engineers on start up and they were just running off excess fuel so the cat impacting it really made no difference, it was for the scrap heap anyway and it could eat moggies with no real problems. I did however have to pay 100DM (£35) to the Engineers beer fund to ensure they kept their mouth shut. Later I had to pay another 100DM to stop them painting a cat "kill" marking on the side of the jet and making my lapse of concentration public. Hence the 200 Deutsche Marks.
I ask forgiveness for the following so that I may ease my troubled conscience at the re-emergence of this incident ..
My white lie by telling my then Girlfriend that the cat "must have got out and just run away", compounded by my then using her weakened emotional state to get more nookie than normal.
My lapse of concentration in not ensuring the door was secured after the guy left, as per my local orders.
My lack of patience with one of God's creatures. If I had not put the cat on the floor it would have continued attacking me and would have lived. At least longer than that day. Besides, scars heal and women dig them.
My later attempts at dark humour with the Engineers involved by joking that the cat had been "Spey'd". The F-4 Phantom was powered by Rolls Royce Spey Turbofans. This is what caught me out in the recent Facebook chat when I remembered the incident and asked my ex girlfriend if she remembered the little ginger devil that got "Spey'd" that sunny day in 1991.
Perhaps if I can show her that others can forgive me then she will .. :roll: