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dunderheed
09-Jun-06, 11:51
The Gospel Of Judas (Glesga Version)



Jesus, in an awfy wurried state, convened aw ay his apostles an disciples tae an immerjincy meetin cos ay thi high drug kinsumpshin problem aw ower thi wurld.

After giein it much thocht they reached thi kinclooshin thit in order tae better deal wi thi problem they shood try thi drugs thumsels an en decide oan thi correct way tae proceed.

It wis decidit thit a commission made up ay sum ay thi members return tae earth tae get thi diffrent types ay drugs. The secret operayshin is effected an two days later thi commissioned Jesus hears a chap it thi doar:

"Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens thi doar.

"Whit did ye bring back Paul?

"Hashish fae Morocco"

"Very well son, c’moan in."

anither chap it thi doar....

"Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens thi doar.

"Whit did ye bring Mark?"

"Marijuana fae Colombia"

"Excellento, moan in."

anither chap....

"Who’s err?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens thi doar.

"What huv ye broat is Matthew ?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Attsigemme sun, moan in."

anither chap...

"Who’s at noo?" "It's John" Jesus opens thi doar.

"Whit did ye bring John?"

"Crack fae New York"

"Hmmm, moan in."

doar goes again...

"Who is it?" "It's Luke" Jesus opens thi doar.

"Whit did ye get Luke?"

"Speed fae Amsterdam"

"Qwick, in ye get."

another chap it the doar ...

"Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens thi doar.

"Whit did ye bring Judas?"

"DRUG SQUAD! UP AGAINST THE WA'!!

dunderheed
09-Jun-06, 11:57
Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

dunderheed
09-Jun-06, 12:02
Ireland v France



Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringin to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied,
"This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right, now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."




Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.

"Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."



Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the penispit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared ! his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy,
"I will have to ring you back."



Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness"

"And decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."