Andfield
22-Apr-10, 13:13
Scouse Olympics
http://www.dodgyscouser.com/jokes/safsepa.gif
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2012, the organisers of
Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
The city, wearing the traditional costume
Of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the
duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES
Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven
one under each arm and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as
possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors
will aim at a post clerks, a bank teller or a wages delivery guard.
BOXING
Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday night The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the first
three survivors back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot Guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised brick
throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top
floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.
http://www.dodgyscouser.com/jokes/safsepa.gif
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2012, the organisers of
Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
The city, wearing the traditional costume
Of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the
duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES
Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven
one under each arm and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as
possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors
will aim at a post clerks, a bank teller or a wages delivery guard.
BOXING
Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday night The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the first
three survivors back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot Guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised brick
throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top
floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.