Brick Layer's Accident Report

[Kingetter]

This is a brick layer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. It is a
true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block
3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six
story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left
over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500
lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
The sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,
Swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
Untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of
The third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an
Equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions
and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report
Form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
The fingers of my right hand were two kuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
Hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal
Of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit
The ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
Of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again
To my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of
the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
Accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations
Of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The
Encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
When I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae
Were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain
and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey
back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller

[teuchter]

The Darwin awards are always worth a read. This bloke must have had someone looking after him to not receive 1 himself.

[candyfloss]

Lol. thats a brilliant story Kingetter[lol] Not so funny for the poor bloke though:eek:

[changilass]

Heard this done as a song years ago, its funny

[angela5]

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."
"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."
"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

[angela5]

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere." :lol:


Another daft one.

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!" :lol:

[angela5]

"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully." [lol]

[fred]

Heard this done as a song years ago, its funny

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

[darkie@dreamtilt.com.au]

Have it on CD with the Corries singing it,play it all the time when on the Computer,a song you can never tire of listning too http://forum.caithness.org/images/icons/icon6.gif

[JimH]

It is called "Murphy's Bricks" - I can't remember the name of the Irish Guy that sings it, but I have yet to hear a funnier song.
It is requested every year on Radio 2 BBc Children in Need.

[fred]

It is called "Murphy's Bricks" - I can't remember the name of the Irish Guy that sings it, but I have yet to hear a funnier song.
It is requested every year on Radio 2 BBc Children in Need.

The songs original title was "The Sick Note" it was written by Pat Cooksey and first performed at the Dyers Arms Coventry in 1969. It has been recorded many times with various different titles since. It was based on a recitation done in the music halls in the 1920s and was printed as a story by Readers Digest in 1937.

[badger]

The Bricklayer's Story is Gerard Hoffnung's probably most famous monologue written by him and recorded in 1958 - I have it on cassette. Amazing that it's still being reproduced but it really needs his voice to appreciate it. This is the written version:
http://www.monologues.co.uk/004/Bricklayers_Story.htm

[JimH]

A bit of research has turned up " Murphy's Bricks". Sung by Noel Murphy.
£10 for CD or £7 for cassette at:-
Fine Hairy Records
The Bricks
Cove Road
Mullion
Cornwall
TR12 7DQ

[trinkie]

This is a true one from a school near in Wick around 1950.

Dear Miss
Please excuse wur Jimmy from school as he has diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe and I dont want him to spread it through the class.

T.