Top tips for an easy life

[ducati]

What are your top tips?

Here are a couple nicked from VIZ about 20 years ago

You all know this one: When you are shot, lie on the ground with the side that is wounded closer to the floor, that way only one lung fills up with blood. Simple?

Or.. to create a handy garden shed. Just board up all the windows in your greenhouse!

Off you go..

[joxville]

Save on expensive diet fads by eating less you fat git. [disgust]

[ducati]

Save on expensive diet fads by eating less you fat git. [disgust]

Thanks, didn't realise I had left the webcam on :eek:

[The Drunken Duck]

Houswives .. Save money on Brillo pads by simply filling a shredded wheat with pink soap.

Rappers .. Save yourself the time and energy of repeating "Know what I'm Sayin" by speaking clearly in the first place.

Dont waste money on Binoculars .. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

Drilling a hole in the door of your fridge will enable you to check that the light does in fact go off when you close the door.

Men .. Save getting into an argument with the woman in your life about the position of the toilet seat by urinating in the sink.

Dont buy ribbed condoms. Save money by buying normal ones and putting a handful of frozen peas down it once you put it on.

Make your missus cry when your making love. Simply phone her up during the act and tell her.

Wieght Watchers .. Avoid the temptation of that fattening choclate bar in the cupboard by not buying the blinking thing in the first place.


(Only two of those are mine .. the rest are taken from an e-mail from a mate.)

[Scarybiscuits03]

My partner was well into the Viz sayings but Id never heard of the mag - is it an age thing or an English thing? Hes from Manchester???

[ducati]

Timeless classics DD [lol]

[ducati]

My partner was well into the Viz sayings but Id never heard of the mag - is it an age thing or an English thing? Hes from Manchester???

You never know what might happen when you are from Manchester??? :cool:

[John Little]

Top tip for an easy life-
If in doubt - ask the wife.

[upolian]

Top tip for an easy life-
If in doubt - ask the wife.

lose the wife - ask caithness.org;)

[joxville]

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. :)

[Liz]

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. :)

Ha ha. Good one!:lol:

[Bazeye]

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.
DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.
DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".
MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.

[Beat Bug]

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing

[joxville]

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. :)

[Bobbin]

If someone chokes on an ice cube pour boiling water down their throat.

[The Drunken Duck]

Found these in an old notebook from years back ..

The most dangerous weapon known to man is an Officer with a Map.

The most lethal weapon known to man is an Officer with a Map and a Plan.

Avoid Officers whenever possible.

If its stupid but it works .. it isn't stupid.

Never tell your superior you have nothing to do.

Never be first or last at anything and never volunteer.

If your attack is going really well .. its an ambush.

If all else fails its time for an airstrike.

Mr Grenade stops being your friend once the pin is pulled.

If you end up the furthest forward then STOP. Everyone behind you knows something you dont.

There is always a way, but it usually doesnt work.

Success always occurs when no one is watching. Failure always occurs when the Boss is.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never stand when you can sit, Never sit if you can lie down and never be awake if you have time to sleep.

If there is only one solution available it will invariably be a stupid one.

Suspect anyone who calls himself a "Professional" and give credence to "Amateurs". Never forget that "Professionals" built the Titanic and "Amateurs" built the Ark.

[ducati]

Another military wisdom for you:

When you are running out of everything except the enemy, you are engaged.

Oh, and everything that needs to be together, will be delivered
separately

[redeyedtreefrog]

If you're trying to lose weight but want some cake, only have half a slice. Then, because that means it's half the calories, you can have twice as much!